The sliding door rumbled open behind me, and Bethany’s arm wrapped around mine.
“You okay?” she asked.
I nodded, but didn’t realize until Zack stepped up on the other side of me and reached over to wipe a tear from my cheek with his thumb that I’d gone so long without blinking that my eyes were watering. “Yeah. No,” I said. “She’s not here. We came all this way, but… she’s not here.”
Bethany sighed and laid her head on my shoulder. Her hair smelled like apples and I had a thought that this was just one more change in all the changes that Bethany had gone through since going away to college. But her hair felt so good when it blew in my face. So comforting.
“She’s here,” she whispered. “You’ll find her.”
Zack reached around my waist, pulling me in close.
“Plus we’re here. We’re always here,” he said, his words tight around a toothpick.
“We don’t have to go up there,” Bethany said. “We can just go home.”
My free hand reached up to my collarbone and felt the familiar leather strap of my necklace, which Celia had found in the parking lot of The Bread Bowl the day after Cole had left me there bleeding, and had fixed by clamping a clasp to the broken ends like a regular necklace.
Bethany was wrong. We did. We needed to go up there. And not just me, either. All of us. Because, in a very real way, we had all been victims of my mother’s death. We had all suffered. We all needed to go up there and see that the mountain was just a mountain and she was no more there than anywhere else. We needed to see that we couldn’t fix her… we couldn’t fix me… by climbing a mountain, any more than she could fix herself by doing the same.
I held my fist around the dream catcher, feeling the little feather in my palm. And for the first time ever it occurred to me what I would do.
I would climb, broken, to the top of Cheyenne Mountain.
And I would leave her necklace there. In a tree, maybe. Or on a rock. Or maybe I would dangle it over a cliff and just let it go.
And I would climb back down, both of us—all of us—whole again.
There was a knock at the door—the pizza being delivered—and Bethany left to pay, leaving Zack and me out there alone. I gazed at him. We locked eyes. He smiled, very gently, and pulled me in tighter. Then he reached over, brushed a strand of hair out of my face, then pulled the toothpick out of his mouth, leaned in, and kissed the top of my head lightly.
“Race you to the top,” he said.
I grinned. “You’re on.”
He chuckled. “Those are some big fightin’ words. You sure you’re up to it?”
“I’m up for anything,” I said. “I only look all patched up like Frankenstein. On the inside, I’m buff, baby.” And I was almost surprised by how much that was true. There were still scars, both inside and out, but something about being here made me feel as though I could finally let them go. All of them.
He reached down and brushed the hair out of my eyes again. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever known,” he said, and something about the way he said it made it the truth.
“Pizza’s here,” Bethany said, stepping back out onto the balcony, but she twined her arm back into mine and rested her head on my shoulder again, just as she had been before.
None of us made a move toward the pizza. Instead, we just stood there on the balcony, arms interlocked, staring at Cheyenne Mountain, until darkness took it away from us.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, thank you to my amazing agent, Cori Deyoe, for the endless encouragement, advice, and friendship. You make me believe in myself.
A huge thank-you to my editor, Julie Scheina, for your tireless enthusiasm and hard work and for pushing me to always look deeper. And thank you to everyone at Little, Brown who worked to make this novel the best it could be, including Jennifer Hunt, Diane Miller, and Barbara Bakowski. Also, thank you to Erin McMahon for the cover design.
A special thanks to my friend T. S. Ferguson for the idea, and for the help with the early stages of the manuscript.
And thank you to my personal in-house teen editor, my daughter Paige, for telling me when I use a word that teens don’t use or name a character a “gross” name and for always being willing to read the rough drafts. For the record, I totally think Alex and Zack should get together, too.
Thank you to the 2009 Debs for all your help and support and for holding my hand when I’m feeling that I’m made of lame, especially Michelle Zink, Malinda Lo, Saundra Mitchell, and Sydney Salter.
Thanks, as always, to Cheryl O’Donovan, Laurie Fabrizio, Nancy Pistorius, Susan Vollenweider, and Melody O’Grady for never tiring (outwardly) of hearing me drone on and on about the horrors of being a writer.
Finally, thank you to my family, especially to my husband, Scott, and to my kids, Paige, Weston, and Rand, for the patience and the love and for pretending not to see me cry when the revisions came. I love you so much.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
In college, I majored in psychology. I’d always had an intense interest in human thought and behavior. Always wanted answers to why people did what they did, what motivated certain actions or inactions.
During my junior year, I took two courses in psychology of women. The first was a classroom course, but the second was an independent study, and I got to choose my own topic for the semester. I chose domestic violence.
I wanted to learn about the cycle of abuse, about what happens to a woman emotionally and cognitively when she suffers abuse. My goal was to discover the answer to the ever-popular question, Why doesn’t she just get out?
I’ve heard myself say the words “I would never…” plenty of times. “I would never let someone abuse me. Hit me once and I’d be outta there, baby!” In fact, I’ve heard lots of women say something along those lines. “If a man ever hit me…” we like to say, and then we have all kinds of strong and powerful things to follow up that phrase. I wonder how many women stuck in an abusive relationship with no idea where to go or what to do had once said, “I would never…” or “If a man ever hit me…”
So I spent the semester learning about the cycle, or pattern, of abuse. I learned about the tension-building stage and the abuse stage and the honeymoon period of an abusive relationship. I learned all about learned helplessness and battered person syndrome. I had it down pat. I knew exactly what went on in a woman’s mind when she stayed with an abuser.
But what about her heart? Where is the heart in those textbooks?
Because we don’t often enter romantic relationships based on what’s going on in our minds. And we don’t often stay in them for what we’re thinking. We love, and because we love, “I would never…” becomes an incredibly inaccurate prediction.
I suspect that Alex is not much different from a lot of women out there, stuck in a relationship with a guy who is really great and would actually be perfect if it weren’t for this one horrible thing he does every so often. She loved Cole, and he gave her lots of reasons to love him. She loved their relationship. She loved the good times. She loved the way he made her feel special. And she was willing to forgive him, to make excuses for him, to feel sorry for him, because she loved him so much.
And, also like a lot of women out there, it’s this special ability of Alex’s to love that makes it so important that she get out of the relationship before she loses the capacity to feel much at all.
In some ways, I feel like this book, this exploration of the “love” side of abuse, is the completion of a project that I began more than a decade ago in that independent study on domestic violence. And Alex has helped me understand that if you’re not actually in the situation, maybe you have no idea what you would do at all.
As always, thank you, reader, for taking this journey with me.
—JB
QUESTIONS ABOUT ABUSE
Q: What are the traits of an abuser?
A: Abusers can be emotionally controlling and manipulative, jealous, cruel, and relent
less, without empathy or conscience. An abuser can make you feel insecure, guilty, unworthy, confused, and intimidated and can try to alienate you from your other friends and your family. An abuser can also be physically threatening; boys are more likely to be physically abusive than girls.
Once a person has revealed a violent, mean, or abusive side, he or she is capable of doing it again. The attacking behavior is not caused by you—it happens in spite of who you are, what you mean to the abuser, and what you do. It comes from a problem in the abuser, although he or she may blame the outbursts on you or on external circumstances. If you tolerate, minimize, brush off, or make allowances for the attacks, they will get worse.
An abuser may be mean out of coolness rather than anger (that is, he or she is abusive in an unemotional, mechanical, detached, or indifferent manner). Coolly aggressive abusers can be much more dangerous than emotionally aggressive ones. You should plan to exit the relationship immediately.
Q: I suspect my friend is being abused. What can I do?
A: Tell him or her what you have observed, and ask directly (and privately) if something bad is happening. If your friend’s initial response is “nothing” or “I’m okay,” ask more specific questions. You can also say “I’m concerned about you” or “You don’t seem happy (or relaxed).” If you get no response, but no convincing denial, wait a few days and ask again. Keep asking as long as you keep seeing worrisome behavior.
Q: Some couples just fight a lot, and some people say and do things they don’t really mean while they’re fighting. How do I know I’m being abused and we’re not just having a really nasty fight?
A: Ask yourself these questions:
1. What would you call it if you heard about the same things happening to your best friend?
2. Do you hesitate to tell anyone else what is happening?
3. Do you feel tense or apprehensive when you are about to be with the possibly abusive person?
4. Do you feel guilty when you have been accommodating to the possibly abusive person?
5. Does he or she make you feel worse about yourself?
You can also share with a professional (see “Whom Can I Tell?” here) and get that person’s opinion.
Q: But I feel like it’s my fault and I’m always the one who starts the fights.
A: Sometimes unhealthy, abusive people—particularly those who are demanding or controlling—can make you so uncomfortable or fearful that you react by fighting. Your reaction can be a form of protesting, getting distance, or feeling stronger in the face of an abuser’s pressure or manipulation. If you have a pattern of starting fights, you may be scared, hurt, frustrated, or threatened, and you need the attention of a helpful person. Happy people do not start fights.
Q: I don’t understand how I got into this mess. How do I get out of it?
A: Take steps to get out of it first. You can analyze later, from a distance, how you got into the situation. Here are some suggested steps for exiting an abusive relationship:
1. Write down everything that’s happened.
2. Tell an authority figure (for example, a parent, police officer, or principal) what’s been happening, and tell that person about your plan to break up with the abuser.
3. Make, and write down, two plans.
How to break up with the abuser: Try cutting off all contact. If the individual needs a more definitive message, write a letter or an e-mail. Do not signal to the abuser that you are afraid. Let the abuser know you have confided in several other people. Report even the slightest threatening behavior to someone in authority. Do not meet with the abusive person alone under any circumstances or for any reason.
How to stay safe once you’ve ended the relationship: You’ll need a contingency plan in case the abuser pursues, confronts, or bothers you after the breakup. Again, seek the help of a person in authority in making this plan.
These questions were answered by Daniel C. Claiborn, PhD, a forensic and police psychologist in private practice in Overland Park, Kansas. He has been a therapist for forty years and has provided consulting and training for the Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault (MOCSA) in Kansas City, Missouri, for twenty years. Dr. Claiborn has taught graduate courses in psychotherapy, family therapy, psychological assessment, and hypnosis at Iowa State University and at the University of Missouri-Kansas City and has lectured nationally on psychotherapy, forensic psychology, and the criminal mind.
WHOM CAN I TALK TO?
Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship. If you are being abused, it is very important to talk to someone who can help you get out:
a teacher
a school counselor
a police officer, including your school resource officer or campus police
your doctor
a minister
your parents or a trusted friend’s parents
your therapist
a hotline or helpline representative
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 TTY
www.thehotline.org
National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC):
1-877-739-3895
1-717-909-0715 TTY
www.nsvrc.org
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline:
1-866-331-9474
1-866-331-8453 TTY
Live chat at www.loveisrespect.org
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FRONT COVER IMAGE
WELCOME
DEDICATION
AUTHOR’S NOTE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
CHAPTER FORTY
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
QUESTIONS ABOUT ABUSE
WHOM CAN I TALK TO?
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by Jennifer Brown
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Little, Brown and Company
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Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com
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Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
First eBook Edition: May 2011
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious
. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
ISBN: 978-0-316-13414-9
Bitter End Page 26
