by Sonya Lalli
“Did you figure it out?” Kanika said “figure it out” with the exact same intonation as Anu, as if it was the first time she had ever used that phrase and was trying it on for size.
She was growing up. Anu could feel the weight of it all, as Kanika climbed onto her lap.
“You, Kanu.” Anu squeezed her. “I love you!”
“Just me?” Kanika rolled her eyes expertly, just like her auntie Jenny. “Mommy, you’re allowed to love more than just me.”
Anu was taken aback, and she shifted away to look her daughter in the eye. She was just a little girl squirming away on her lap, yet just then she had sounded decades wiser than her years.
The moment froze around her, and her breath was short as she came to understand. Could it really be that easy? Could Kanika, her sweet little girl, really have the answer?
Anu could be a good mother and be herself, too. She could be there for Kanika and love and live how she wanted, too?
The world came back to life when she felt Kanika pulling on her hand. Anu sat up, startled, and kissed her daughter hard on the head.
“You’re right, Kanu.” Anu set her on the bed and then ran toward the door. “You’re absolutely right!”
* * *
• • •
The hot pink piece of paper was still in her desk drawer where she had left it. Anu grabbed it and then raced down the stairs. The kitchen was empty, and after she moved to the patio window, her eyes skirted across the lawn. Her parents were out there with Priya, chatting near the mechanical surfboard. Next, she checked the living room and the basement. What about the front yard? Opening the door, she spotted Neil on the driveway, a tray of baked goods balanced on his left hand.
“Where should we store these?” He smiled as he looked up at her. “Garage?”
“Good idea.” She keyed in the punch code, and the garage door opened. She suddenly felt nervous. Neil set down the tray on a nearby shelf. The sun was behind her, and as he walked back onto the driveway, he shielded his eyes with his hands.
“Do you need a hand with something?”
Anu pressed her lips together and walked down the steps to meet him. Her hands were shaking.
“What is it?”
She pressed the paper into his hands and watched Neil’s face as he unfolded it, as his eyes moved across each of the items.
“What is this?”
“I wrote this,” she said, “when Ryan and I were together. When I thought I had it all figured it out.”
He handed the paper back to her, his eyes down on the pavement. “And did you?”
“Do you remember our first kiss?”
She could tell her words caught him off guard. Slowly, a slight grin stretched across his face.
“How could I not? I nearly broke your front tooth.”
“And I think I actually chewed your lip.”
“Your tongue,” he said, “felt like a dead mouse in my mouth.”
Anu laughed, remembering the way he’d held her awkwardly in Priya’s car. “I got pimples on my chin from all the drool.”
“It was the worst first kiss in the history of first kisses.”
“No, Neil. It was perfect.” Her hands trembled as she stepped closer toward him. “It was perfect for us.”
He blinked, his eyes glistening. “We got it right eventually, didn’t we?”
“I reckon we got pretty good at it.”
“Anush.” He breathed hard, stepped away from her. “Don’t toy with me—”
“I’m not.” The wind had picked up, and she brushed away the hair that had flown into her face. “I’m right here, Neil. And I want—” She hesitated. “I want you.”
She reached for his hand, and when he didn’t pull away, she squeezed it. “I was so hell-bent on being a role model for Kanika . . . I never realized the best thing I could do for her was be . . . me.”
His voice caught. “And who are you?”
“I’m Anush.” She shrugged. “I’m just . . . me. And I want to be with you.” She pressed their hands to his chest, looked him deeply in the eyes. “I’ve realized that our marriage, our separation, Ryan, punching Ryan—none of it was a mistake. Because otherwise I wouldn’t have realized how much I love you. How much I want our family back.”
She could feel him shaking, and he was gazing at her the same way he had when they were eighteen years old and sneaking desserts off Auntie Jayani’s dining room table. The way he looked at her when he had first told her he loved her, when they were puking their guts out on their wedding night. When they drank their coffee by the crib every morning, after their daughter was born. Or Anu accomplished something as insignificant as beating another level of Fruit Ninja.
“It’s always been you, Neil. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”
She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. A moment passed, and she felt the weight of his arms around her, too.
“You have to promise me something, though.”
“What’s that?”
“You have to shovel the driveway.”
She pulled back, smiling. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I hate it. I’ll do any chore—hell, I’ll do all the chores—but for the love of God, woman, I hate shoveling snow.”
“Deal. Any other requests?”
“Well”—he pulled away—“if we get back together, I have one more condition for you.”
“And what’s that?”
“Even though we’re still married, if you want me back, you’re going to have to propose to me.” He shrugged. “Formally.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s nerve-racking. Women need to go through that, too. . . .”
“Really, you were nervous? But you knew I’d say yes.”
“Still,” he said, “it was the scariest day of my life.”
A garbage truck rumbled past, and as he turned to look, she sank to the ground.
“Do you think—” He stopped short, taking in the sight of her down on one knee.
“Neil.”
He toed toward her. “Anush.”
“I’m going to make you a proposal.”
“What’s that?”
“I propose that if you move back in, if we give our marriage another chance, you’ll never have to shovel the driveway again.”
He laughed, set his hands on his hips.
“As long as you clean the bathrooms.”
“Deal.”
“And I promise to love you—” She choked up as Neil dropped to his knees in front of her, took her hands in his. “I promise to never give up on us again.”
He was smiling at her, and she felt exactly the way she had on the day they first met.
“I promise to always be a woman our daughter will be proud of.”
He kissed her then, slow and soft. She wound her hands through his hair, pulling him close as he clutched her waist. After what felt like an eternity, they pulled away.
A rush of color flashed to the side, and they turned to look. Kanika was standing there, beaming at them. She ran to them, and Anu and Neil pulled her in, wrapping her tight in their arms.
Anu wasn’t grown-up—not yet. Not even close. But maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have to do it alone.
acknowledgments
Thank you to Mom, Dad, and my whole family for your love and support, and for our afternoon “writers’ room” sessions that have been a wealth of inspiration to me. Thank you for giving me the freedom to be truthful and encouraging me to follow my dreams, regardless of whether they were what a “good Indian girl” would do.
Thank you to my brilliant agents, Federica Leonardis and Martha Webb, for believing in me, and to all my creative writing teachers—formal and informal—over the years.
I am immensely grateful to everyon
e at Berkley for throwing your heart and soul into this book, in particular my insightful editor, Kerry Donovan; Fareeda Bullert; my publicists, Brittanie Black and Dache Rogers; and Sarah Blumenstock. And a huge thank-you to Penguin Random House Canada for your incredible support in my home country, especially Claire Pokorchak, Kara Savoy, and Kyrsten Lowell.
Thank you to my work family at House of Anansi Press and Groundwood Books for your daily doses of encouragement, and to my wonderful friends—my personal hype squad—who are there for me every day regardless of time zones.
And to Simon, for everything and every day.
questions for discussion
1. As much as Anu loves Neil, she chooses to separate from him rather than try to keep working on their marriage. What reasons led her to make this decision? Do you think she resented him, or resented the traditional roles each of them had taken on in the marriage?
2. Anu often uses labels such as “good Indian girl” or “good wife and mother”—and she feels the weight of the expectations that go along with those characterizations. Do you think such labels are ever black and white? How much did you think the burden Anu was feeling came from expectations she placed on herself?
3. Anu and Jenny lament over the fact that their alumni magazine, and society in general, tends to celebrate milestones such as marriage and children, and fails to give recognition to personal accomplishments. Do you agree with their viewpoint? In what ways does Anu’s viewpoint influence her decisions?
4. Initially, Anu believes she is more grown up than her best friends because she is, among other things, a mother and wife, although she ultimately comes to realize she’s wrong. What do you think it means to be “a grown-up” in today’s society? Is there a difference between acting like a grown-up and truly being grown up?
5. Comparing her own family to Monica’s and Priya’s friend Auntie Jayani, Anu talks about how there is a spectrum of Indian families in terms of how traditional they are. Do you see this kind of spectrum in your own community? How do you think social mores change over time?
6. Do you think Anu’s decision to take over Mags’s studio was impulsive? Irresponsible? Are there ways in which following her dream to run a yoga studio helped Anu grow as a person?
7. Anu partially justifies her decision to leave for London by telling Monica that if she doesn’t go, she doesn’t think her daughter will ever be able to think of her as a role model. What does Anu mean by that, and did you agree with her reasoning?
8. Anu has a close relationship with both her parents, but at the same time, she’s felt that she has needed to hide a lot about who she is and what she wants in order to meet their expectations. How has her relationship with both Lakshmi and Kunal evolved? And why do you think Anu was never able to be honest with them until their confrontation in London?
9. Is Anu’s jealousy of Neil’s love interests reasonable, considering that she was the one who asked for the separation and first started dating other people?
10. Anu feels responsible for Imogen’s hospitalization, and thinks she should have done more, even though she tried to respect Imogen’s decision to deal with her depression on her own terms. Do you think Anu did enough as a friend? What further action could or should Anu have taken?
11. Toward the end of the novel, when Anu and Neil are discussing their marriage, Neil says, “We started a family so young and had to grow up so quickly, sometimes I think we didn’t have time to grow up at all.” Did you agree or disagree with his statement?
12. In Anu’s own words, she “goes off the rails” for a while in a bid to find her own sense of self and independence, much like an adolescent. By the end of the novel, do you think Anu was ultimately able to “grow up”? What do you think she struggled with the most in her bid to become a grown-up?
Photo by Ming Joanis at A Nero’s World
SONYA LALLI is a Canadian writer of Indian heritage. She studied law in her hometown of Saskatoon and at Columbia University in New York, and later completed an MA in Creative Writing and Publishing at City, University of London. Sonya loves to cook, travel, and practice yoga. She lives in Toronto with her husband.
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