“Umm… no,” I replied. “I’m good. I have to eliminate the bastard who’s trying to ruin the worldwide celebration of my birthday.”
“You have a birthday?” she asked. “Why don’t I know about this?”
“I’ve only just discovered the date myself,” I told her as she stood up and began to arm herself.
“Don’t you worry about a thing,” Elle said, putting a few doughnuts in her pockets along with several vicious-looking daggers. “I’ll destroy anyone who wants to ruin your party. Just tell me who to kill. I’m feeling so violent lately it would be nice to use it productively.”
Teasing her back to the bed with a hunk of cheesecake, I disarmed my beauty and kissed the top of her head. Having someone who wanted to defend me was new. I was still getting used to it.
“I have it covered,” I promised. “Lizard knows a badass named Murry who can find the culprit.”
“Mmkay,” Elle said with a wrinkled brow and a mouthful of cheesecake. “Murry is not a badass name.”
“While I agree with you, I have no leads at the moment. I thought it might be one of the Sins, but it’s not,” I told her as I picked up a napkin and gently wiped the extra cheesecake from her lips.
“Ohhhh, I forgot to tell you,” Elle said as she squealed at the sight of cheese pizza. “Strangely enough, all Seven Sins poofed in here a short while ago. They seemed just as shocked as I was. Sloth said something about trying to get to Paris and Envy was bitching about house hunting. Of course, when Gluttony went for my cookies and I put a fork in her forehead, they left rather quickly. I feel a little bad about that. I mean, it’s one thing to stab you. I probably shouldn’t be maiming your daughters.”
“No worries,” I assured her. “If I thought I could get away with incinerating them I would.”
“Okay, good. That makes me feel better,” Elle replied, inhaling the pizza. “Oh, and my new buddies Martha and Jane are searching for their Aunt Flow. If you see her, could you kidnap her for them? Apparently, she’s a real piece of work.”
I was positive I went paler than a ghost. Elle went on eating as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Martha and Jane were rather alarmed as well. I could only surmise that my Siren was as unhip as I was and didn’t know the slang lingo for lady time.
My head would stay attached to my neck for the time being, but I shot the old Vamps a look that was impossible to mistake. I’d warned them not to bring up lady time. I’d actually done it for their own good. If they were stupid enough to speak of it, their deaths would not be on my hands.
Gingerly approaching Elle, just in case the mention of Aunt Flow was a set up for an attack with a fork, I kissed her again and ended up with pizza sauce on my lips. It didn’t bother me a bit. Nothing my lover said or did could drive me away.
Not even a fork in the forehead.
It was good to be nuts. It was excellent to be the Devil. But being in love with a Siren who controlled fate and could wield a fork like a damned ninja was outstanding.
Chapter Five
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” I snapped as we hid in the bushes outside of a modest ranch home in the middle of Tennessee.
“Nope,” Lizard whispered, peeking out to make sure the coast was clear. “Murry’s mom is about to leave. We can enter the premises as soon as she drives away.”
“Murry does not sound like a badass if he’s terrified of his mother,” I muttered, realizing the irony of my statement. I was the ultimate badass, and my mother scared the shit out of me. My mother was a force of certifiably insane nature.
Lizard glanced over at me and grinned. He was a smart Demon not to say anything. But in my defense, my brother God, was terrified of Mother Nature as well.
“I don’t have all day,” I hissed. “Elle is eating Hell out of food. I need to get back and make sure someone goes shopping for the love of everything ridiculous.”
“My sexy concubines will take care of her,” Lizard assured me as he chomped on his gum. “Martha and Jane are creative and crafty and have incredible hooters.”
I nodded curtly so I didn’t throw up. Beauty was truly in the eye of the beholder.
“Is that his mother?” I whispered as a tiny, frail-looking old woman with a walking cane left the house and got into what had to be a thirty-year-old station wagon. She didn’t look like she could hurt a flea.
Lizard appeared perplexed as well. “I guess,” he said, checking his phone for a text from Murry the badass. “Yep. That was her.”
The more I observed, the more this idea seemed like a bad one. I’d give Murry the badass five minutes. If he was as appalling as his name, I was out of here.
“Sire, just so you know, Murry’s kinda weird,” Lizard explained. “Go with it.”
“Go with what?” I asked, annoyed.
“You’ll see,” Lizard said with a grin.
I didn’t like the sound of it, but with April 1st less than a week away, I needed to get to the bottom of who was trying to stop my celebration. It was beyond unacceptable that the world not celebrate me and my womb eviction day.
“Fine,” I conceded. “Does Murry the badass know who he’s dealing with this afternoon?”
“Nope,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “I figured if you wanted to tell him, I’d leave that up to you.”
“Good thinking. I won’t kill him unless he’s too weird,” I announced grandly.
“Works for me,” Lizard said. “Let’s do this.”
“Yes. Let’s,” I said with an eye roll as I climbed out of the bushes and hoped no one was watching. I didn’t like bad entrances and this one was awful.
* * *
The basement was dark and windowless. Open bags of chips and beef jerky littered the coffee table and the scent of what I could only guess were hot dogs lingered in the air. A television was blasting and set to a channel with entertainment news. I briefly saw the image of my own face flash by with a story about how the movie version of my book was setting records overseas. That feat had cost me a damned fortune.
Our illustrious host stood about five foot two and had to be a hundred pounds soaking wet. He had a mullet that defied reason. His choice of outfit rivaled Lizard’s except Murry’s tracksuit was skintight. The man resembled a polyester toothpick. I was going to have to bleach my eyes when I got back to Hell.
Murry the badass stood up and greeted us with a deep bow of respect. It lasted about five minutes too long. I glanced over at Lizard to see if Murry was stuck and we should help the badass up. My Demon warrior just shrugged and mouthed, I told you he was weird.
Weird was an understatement. I’d go with strange, abnormal, bizarre and disturbing.
“I’m gonna hug ya,” Murry said in a voice that cracked like a prepubescent teenage human boy. “Need to get yer vibe.”
“Hugging is not my thing,” I said, shooting Lizard a glare.
“Huggin’ is fer everyone!” Murry announced, coming in for a show of affection.
It took herculean effort not to fry him where he stood.
The hugging was bad. The sniffing was appalling. The small man sniffed my neck for at least ten minutes while Lizard tried not to laugh. It felt like an assault by someone with a smelling fetish. Murry the badass was a whack job, and Lizard was going to pay.
“Holy shee-ott,” Murry said as he finished inhaling and looked startled. “Reptile, ya didn’t tell me you was bringin’ the Devil to my lair.”
“It’s Lizard, not Reptile,” Lizard corrected the freak. “And you didn’t ask.”
“Ya got me there!” Murry the badass shouted and laughed so hard he fell over and couldn’t get up.
“Sweet Hell on fire,” I muttered as I waved my hand and set Murry the dumbass back on his feet. “You’re a Dragon?”
“Yep,” Murry answered, looking at me with so much awe that I decided he could live. “And yer the Devil?”
“I am,” I replied. “Your mother is a Dragon as well?”
Murry nodded his head
and grunted out a chuckle or a burp. I wasn’t sure. “Yes siree, she’s as mean as a snake, but I love her somethin’ fierce. Told me last week she was gonna have my birth certificate canceled if I didn’t take out the trash. Can you believe that shee-ot?”
Having no clue if that was an actual question, I declined to answer. It didn’t matter, Murry kept yapping.
“Mammy can fry the hair off yer nuts from a thousand yards away. Yer testies will look like the day you were born.”
“Impressive,” I said, holding back a gag.
“Yep, Mammy’s legally blind and not quite right in the head. But just in case ya need a trim, I’m gonna recommend that ya don’t ask her to fry yer pubes. Her aim sucks ass on account her peepers don’t work and you could lose yer pecker. Mammy sizzled the hair right off my head last month when I asked her to trim my nose locks. Underneath my fabulous wig, I’m as bald as a freakin’ cue ball. But Mammy makes the best beans-n-franks ya ever tasted.”
“Okay,” I said, pressing the bridge of my nose and trying to have a semi-decent attitude. “That was entirely too much information. You let a blind woman drive a car?”
“Awww, it’s fine,” Murry said with a wave of his hand. “She enjoys it. Normally Mammy just takes out a few mailboxes. No biggie.”
“So why is it that we can’t be here when your mother is present?” I asked, immediately regretting it. Curiosity was an admirable quality when you were speaking with a sane person who wasn’t sporting a mullet wig.
“Well, Lord of the Dark Shit, it’s a little embarrassin’ to have people know I live in my Mammy’s basement bein’ that I’m three thousand years old and all. So, if I only let people in when she’s not home, no motherhumper’s the wiser. I’m the king of my lair.”
“But we know you live in your Mammy’s basement,” I pointed out, only to watch the dolt become seriously confused.
“So yer sayin’ I didn’t have to send Mammy to the Piggly Wiggly and endanger all the mailboxes in town cuz you already know I live in the basement?” Murry questioned.
I was ready to incinerate Murry the badass. The Dragon was clearly missing brain cells. This was absurd. Thankfully, Lizard could sense my ire. Or possibly the fact that I was glowing and sparking might have clued my Demon in.
“Murry, we need information,” Lizard said. “If you can supply us with what we need there will be payment.”
“Now Alligator, that sounds right fine,” Murry said, rubbing his tiny hands together with glee.
“It’s Lizard, not Alligator,” Lizard corrected the idiot for the second time.
“Whoops, my bad. Lizard, I’d like a two-hundred-dollar gift card to the Red Lobster, a few extra wigs since there’s a fine chance I’ll be bald fer a while, and a lifelong season pass to the Monster Truck Rally.”
“Is he serious?” I asked. I was the fucking Devil and he asked for a gift card to the Red Lobster?
Lizard nodded and grinned. I just hoped this wasn’t a case of you get what you pay for…
“Are you able to ascertain where a letter came from? And who it came from?” I asked.
“Did ya bring it?” Murry inquired, moving in dangerously close.
If he hugged me again it would be the last thing he ever did.
“I did,” I said, easing away so I didn’t have to electrocute him.
“Lemme smell it.”
Glancing over at Lizard, he nodded. What could it hurt? Nothing. Maybe the badass wasn’t a dumbass. Possible but doubtful.
Murry took the letter in his tiny hands and raised it to his nose. The sounds he made as he smelled it rivaled a ravenous Hell Hound at feeding time. It was enough to make me never touch the paper again. However, it was evidence. I’d simply make Lizard hold it.
“Whoever wrote it is of Demon persuasion. The letter comes from Hell,” Murry said then froze as the front door slammed shut. “Shee-ot! Hide.”
Lizard dove under a table. I glanced around the room in annoyance and squatted behind a chair. This was preposterous. I was the fucking Satan. But the fact the badass-dumbass could tell the threatening letter had been penned by a Demon and came from Hell was more information than I had five minutes ago. If the imbecile wanted me to hide, I’d hide.
“Murry, honey,” his mother called down the stairs. “Ya got some friends over?”
“Umm… no, Mammy,” he lied.
“I call bullshit,” the little old lady shouted. “I’m gonna make some beans-n-franks! I’m so excited ya finally got ya some buddies. All the neighbors think yer a serial killer. I’ll be right down. Does anyone need a trim?”
“Hell to the NO,” Murry yelled.
“Wonderful! I’ll get my inner fire stoked,” she squealed.
“Dangit,” Murry muttered. “Sorry, guys. Mammy’s a little hard of hearin’ too. Keep yer hands over yer nuts when she comes down.”
“Wait,” I said, standing up and squinting at Murry. “Why are we hiding?”
Again, Murry got terribly confused. “No clue.”
It was time to leave. I didn’t want to have to decapitate an old woman with a cane. “Can you tell me who wrote the letter?” I asked tersely.
“Nope,” Murry said. “I’d have to go to Hell and do a little sniffin’ around.”
I almost laughed when I realized he meant it literally.
“Fine. That can be arranged. Do you need to read the letter?”
Murry blushed a deep blotchy red and stared at his feet. His skinny body shook with embarrassment, and I had to look away. Even Lizard appeared sorry for Murry the badass Dragon who was clearly illiterate. Closing my eyes and letting my head fall back on my shoulders, I sighed—dramatically… very dramatically. The Dragon couldn’t read. Being compassionate wasn’t in my wheelhouse. It gave me hives and didn’t look good for my asshole reputation.
“Lizard, if you ever repeat what you’re about to hear, I will send you on a spa trip with Murry’s Mammy—for a century or twelve. I shall give explicit directions to have your nut hair trimmed multiple times a day. Am I clear?”
“You are, Sire,” Lizard said with a twinkle in his eyes and a hint of a grin on his thin lips.
The bastard behaved as if he knew what I was going to do… How did he know? I wasn’t even sure if I was going to do it. And then I glanced over at Murry the skinny dumbass Dragon who was bald under his mullet due to his mother’s bad nose hair aim. The idiot was three thousand years old and lived in his mother’s basement… and couldn’t read.
Damnit. Ever since I’d become happy, I was losing my edge.
“On your knees,” I directed curtly.
Murry’s eyes grew wide and he did as he was told. The skinny Dragon trembled and bowed his head.
“You get one wish granted,” I said then realized the dolt might wish for a trip to Red Lobster. “I’d suggest you use it wisely.”
“Can I get a hint about the wisely part?” Murry inquired.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I counted to ten and went against everything I believed in. Being nice was fucking debilitating.
“Ask me to grant you the power to read,” I ground out, sure I was covered in hives.
“You can do that?” he asked, shocked.
“I’m fucking Satan,” I shouted. “Of course, I can do that.”
“Daayum, you can do that too?” Murry asked, wildly impressed.
“You forgot to add the,” Lizard reminded me.
“I know that,” I hissed and blew up Murry’s coffee table, so that I wouldn’t set him ablaze. “Okay, here’s the deal. Yesssss, I can give you the ability to read. And no, I can’t fuck myself. Although, metaphorically, I’m doing a fantastic job of it. So, ask me fast before I change my mind, Dragon.”
“I wanna know how to read, Oh Great Master of Dark Shit,” Murry said quickly, plastering his face on the floor in respect.
With a wave of my hand, black enchanted glitter covered Murry from head to toe. He jerked and convulsed on the floor for a m
oment then hopped to his feet.
“That hurt like a mother humper,” he shouted with a wide grin and a thumbs up. “Almost as much as when Mammy shoots a fireball at my nards.”
“Too much information,” I said with a raised brow. “Read the letter, Murry.”
Murry unfolded the letter and stared at it for a long moment in confusion. Had the spell not worked? That was impossible. I was fucking Sa… I was the fucking Satan. Murry’s joyous blubbering put my worries to rest.
“If you get the letter wet with your boohooing, I’ll electrocute you,” I said calmly. It felt lovely to be an asshole again after such a ridiculously magnanimous gesture. “Read, Dragon.”
“Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists,” he read then scrunched his nose.
“What?” I asked, wondering if he had more information.
“I can read it, but I got no clue what it means,” he said, scratching his mullet.
“Someone is trying to destroy my birthday,” I said flatly. “And they shall not be successful.”
“You want me to sniff out the baddie?” Murry asked.
“I do. And you are free to trim the culprit when he is found,” I added.
“Ain’t no he,” Murry said, sniffing the letter again. “It’s a she.”
My eyes narrowed dangerously. Could my mother have done this after all? If it was indeed Mother Nature, many of Murry’s clues were wrong. My mother was not a Demon, and she didn’t live in Hell. Although, my father, Bill, was a Sprite and visited Hell frequently to fix appliances. I had to procure new electrical items every time he came to Hell to repair things. He was a fucking disaster with a hammer and screwdriver. Could the Demon essence be on the letter because Bill spent so much time amongst Demons but lived in Nirvana with my crazy mother?
Preposterous. Or was it?
“You will come to Hell,” I commanded Murry as I snatched the letter from his hands and gave it to Lizard for safekeeping. “We will gather all the female Demons, and you will sniff them. Lizard, you will accompany Murry so none of the females maim or decapitate him.”
Fashionably Fooled Page 6
