“Mammy, where are you?” I roared. “Speak.”
“All’s good,” Mammy shouted as the explosions began to die down and the smoke cleared. My vision came back but it was blurred.
Had my eyes been permanently damaged? I could barely see Mammy. I could tell she was holding something. I could somewhat make out her smile.
And that’s when I heard my son cry. It was glorious.
A tingle shot through my body. I felt it from my fingertips all the way to my toes. My stomach tightened, and my heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest. A sparkling amethyst glow mixed with shimmering black light surrounded the small perfect bundle in Mammy’s arms. As she handed the amazing little person to Elle, my heart lodged in my throat. In all my eternity, I’d never been so moved. It was the definition of beauty.
“He’s got a large Johnson for such a little thing,” Mammy commented with a thumbs up.
“Of course, he does,” I choked out with pride. “He’s my son.”
My vision was fine. It was blurred with tears—such an unfamiliar occurrence for me. The Devil didn’t cry.
Today the Devil did.
For a moment, I wondered if Hell had frozen over and then pushed the thought aside. With the sheer amount of fire and explosions that had just occurred, there was no way my kingdom was ice. Hell awaited my son. It would never fail him, and neither would I.
“Do you want to hold him, Lucifer?” Elle asked softly with a smile.
“Will he break?” I inquired, terrified. “Is there a correct way to do this?”
I should have kept Lizard in the suite with me for the birth. The Demon knew everything. However, he and Astrid were busy with last minute party planning for the evening. Since the culprit who penned the death threat letter had still not been found, Lizard was prepping the Demon Army on security measures for the celebration. I was taking no chances.
“Babies don’t break,” Mammy said with a laugh.
“You’re certain about this?” I asked as I gently touched his plump cheeks and stared at the little man who I was immediately besotted with.
“Darling, I dropped you on your head repeatedly as a baby,” my mother volunteered with a giggle. “You were very squirmy. You turned out just fine.”
“I’m perfect,” I muttered as I took my son into my arms and held him for the first time.
Again, my heart hammered in my chest, and my eyes filled with the tears I had no clue I was capable of. The child was perfection. His eyes glowed a deep purple, and there was a smattering of dark hair on his perfectly shaped head. Lizard had been incorrect about babies being bald. I’d electrocute him for that shortly.
“He smells so good,” I whispered in awe as he stared straight into my soul.
“Like Heaven,” my mother said with a happy sigh as she gently touched his cheek.
“No,” I said with an eye roll. “Like Hell. Heaven smells like ass.”
“Of course,” Sadie said with a smile as she hugged her daughter and gazed at the miracle in my arms. “He smells just like Hell.”
Laying down on the bed next to the woman who made me complete, I placed our son between us. I could stare at both of them for the rest of eternity and be fulfilled. It was a strange concept for the Devil to care more for others than himself.
I loved it.
I was still an asshole. I would always be an asshole, and I hoped my son would be the same. It would be necessary since he was the heir to Hell. Lying, cheating and stealing would come naturally to him, I was sure of it. It was in Elle’s and my DNA.
“You’re my hero,” I whispered to Elle.
“And you are mine, Devil,” she whispered back, gazing at our son with adoration. “Your shmackle is safe for now. However, I can’t do this again for a few centuries.”
“Not to worry,” Sadie said. “Sirens only bear a child once in a lifetime… if ever.”
“So, you’re saying Lucifer doesn’t need to invest in condoms? He doesn’t need to slap a glove on his Johnson?” my mother asked as she circled the room and repaired all the fire and explosion damage from the birth.
If she hadn't been doing something productive, I would have zapped the Hell out of her. Her ease with talking about my jewels in public settings was appalling.
Sadie giggled and shook her head. “Umm… no. Lucifer and Elle are fine to resume life as normal without worry.”
“I’m a little worn out,” Mammy said, sitting on the edge of the bed looking pale and ill.
Elle sat up, placed our son in my arms and quickly crawled to the end of the bed where Mammy sat. Wrapping her arms around the tiny woman, she kissed her and held her close.
“Did I harm you?” Elle asked, upset. “Can I help you now? Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”
Mammy gave Elle a tired smile and patted her head. “Nah, I’ll be good in a few days. Yer one powerful mother humper,” she said with a chuckle. “Never snorted magic like that before.”
“Are you certain you will be alright?” Mother Nature asked, taking Mammy’s chin in her hand and examining her eyes. “I can cast any kind of spell you need. Tell me what hurts.”
“I’m good,” Mammy insisted. “Just need to sleep it off.”
“Promise?” Elle asked, still holding Mammy close.
“Yep, don’t get yer sphincter in a knot over me,” Mammy said, standing up. “Can ya lift the binding spell so I can go get some shut eye?”
“Of course, Mammy,” Sadie said, clapping her hands and lifting the spell. “Will you be joining us at the party this evening?”
“Wasn’t invited,” Mammy said sadly.
All eyes landed on me. None of the eyes were pleased. If glares could kill, I’d be a dead Demon. Even my son gave me the stink-eye, and he was barely an hour old.
“What? Impossible,” I shouted, feigning shock. “How could this embarrassing oversight have happened? I will behead someone for this. Mammy, you and Murry will be guests of honor at the celebration. And… you are welcome to trim me right now. I’m not normally a man of my word. It’s dreadfully bad for my reputation, but for you I shall make an exception. Do I need to remove my pants?”
Mammy shook her head and gave me a lopsided grin. “Too tired to trim. But I appreciate the invite. Me and Murry would love to come to the party. I have a few vats of beans-n-franks that I froze. Should I bring ‘em?”
I wanted to scream no at the top of my lungs. The word was on the tip of my tongue. However, my son had another plan in mind. I felt a small, yet potent, zap to my head and glanced down in surprise. The heir to Hell had lifted his tiny middle finger and aimed it right at me. It was so impressive, I almost cried again. Containing my delight that I’d been the very first person to be flipped off by my child was difficult. However, I got the message loud and clear. If my baby wanted the odiferous fare at the soiree, then he would have it. I could deny him nothing.
“I was hoping we had more beans-n-franks,” I lied through my teeth. “It’s my favorite, and I’d be honored to serve it to my guests.”
Mammy giggled and blushed. “Roger that. I’ll get to thawin’ ‘em out and then take a little nap before the party. Elle ya did real good and that there baby is perfect.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Elle said. “I am forever in your debt.”
“Does the boy have a name?” Mammy asked as she slowly made her way to the door of the suite. Mother Nature and Sadie flanked the old Dragon and gently helped her to the exit.
Elle glanced over at me. We both grinned.
“He does,” Elle said. “We will announce our son’s name at the celebration tonight.”
The plan was perfect. The morning had been perfect. I just hoped the evening ahead would be the same.
Chapter Fourteen
The soiree was to die for. Astrid had outdone herself. The Grand Ballroom of the Dark Palace had never been more festive or exquisite. Everything was done up in sparkling black, and the murmurs from the crowd were appropriat
ely impressive. Ravens sat atop priceless nude statues and glared menacingly at the crowd. The party favors were black diamonds shaped like a baby bottle in honor of the Heir to Hell. No expense had been spared. It was truly macabre and outstanding. Not a dust bunny in sight. Astrid was now on the Favor from the Devil list. I didn’t mind a bit. It would take a tremendous amount to sour my mood at the moment. Life was indeed going well.
Elle had recovered within the hour after our son’s arrival just as her mother had predicted. I actually missed my lover’s rounded body, but she was perfect in any form. Her breasts were still wonderfully large due to the fact she was nursing our son—something I was grateful I was incapable of, mammary glands or no. My mother, unable to stop herself, gleefully inquired at least ten times if I’d like to give Elle a break and nurse the baby. If my son hadn’t been present, I would have singed all the hair from my mother’s head and rammed her stripper pole where the sun didn’t shine. But I realized if I wanted my son to show his mother respect, I would have to show respect to my own mother… even when it wasn’t deserved. Of course, all bets were off when my boy wasn’t within listening range.
The pile of stolen gifts was appropriately impressive, and everyone was dressed to the nines. April 1st aka Satan’s Womb Eviction Day was far better than Christmas. The human world had been informed via every illegitimate rag magazine and every reputable news outlet I owned that scientists had uncovered the true birthdate of the Fallen Angel, Lucifer aka Satan, Beelzebub, The Dark Angel and to a very few… Uncle Fucker.
Of course, many wondered if it was a joke since the date conflicted with April Fool’s Day. This was not an issue for me. No press was bad press, and I was receiving tons of both. Love me. Hate me. Never forget me.
Steve Perry and Dr. Ruth were present and holding court. It was frustrating that I’d yet to get within a hundred feet of my idol, but the evening was young. The most talented singer in the Universe had consumed four large bowls of beans-n-franks. It blew my mind. The smell alone was enough to make me gag, but I seemed to be the lone Immortal of that opinion. Everyone was partaking in the runny looking dreck and going back for seconds. I owed Mammy yet another favor. I’d suggested promoting Mammy and making her Admiral in the Demon Army to Lizard. He’d agreed whole heartedly.
“Mammy is batshit crazy, but she’s earned the respect of all the Demons in Hell,” Lizard commented as he partook in a bowl of beans-n-franks… while still chewing his gum. “She’s got a waiting list of Demons wanting a trim.”
“You lie,” I said, shocked.
“Always,” Lizard agreed. “But not this time.”
“Interesting and horrifying,” I said, keeping Elle and our son in my sights.
I hadn’t strayed far from their side the entire time. It put a small crimp in my chasing down Steve Perry, but the safety of my family was infinitely more important.
“Beginnin’ to think the letter was a hoax,” Lizard said, also glancing around at the guests with his beady little eyes. “Murry sniffed all the female Demons in Hell multiple times—even sniffed everyone as they arrived at the party. Some of the Vamps were a bit put out with the greeting but kept the violence to a minimum. If the perp was here, we would know it.”
“I’m inclined to agree,” I said. “However, we’re taking no chances. Make sure the army stays on its toes.”
“Roger that,” Lizard replied. “Sadie, Martha, Jane and Mammy are staying close to Elle and the baby as well. My sexy concubines and Mammy are scarier than the entire Demon Army.”
“Fine point. Well made,” I agreed as I scanned the crowd and relaxed slightly.
Mammy still looked pale and ill but was soaking up the praise for her beans-n-franks with gusto. I’d even spied her speaking to Steve Perry and giving him the recipe. My envy almost got the best of me until Elle elbowed me in the gut and informed me if I zapped Mammy, she would decapitate me at the party in front of all the guests.
I was incredibly lucky my lover had my back at all times.
Maybe the threat was a hoax. Maybe, I would have time to blackmail Steve Perry into being my BFF. The apology from the Seven Deadly Sins should help. Wait. Where the Hell were my daughters? Dixie was the only one in attendance with her mate, the Angel of Death. Dixie was delighted with her new little brother and the feeling was clearly mutual. My good Demon daughter was the only person besides Elle, Mammy and myself that the boy would allow to hold him. He’d even smiled and blew a raspberry at his sister.
My son’s advanced progress, as far as a one-day-old baby was concerned, wasn’t surprising. Immortals were a different breed. Mother Nature had informed anyone willing to listen that I’d spoken the word shit at three days old. I was certain she was full of shit, but I let her talk. Talking kept her from pole dancing. Anything was preferable to my mother tumbling off a pole and showing her bits to the five hundred in attendance.
“Where are the Sins?” I asked Lizard as I studied the crowd of revelers. They would never miss a party with all of the most elite Immortals in the Universe present.
“Shit,” Lizard hissed. “With all the to-do, I forgot about them.”
“Understandable,” I said with a curt nod. “I try to forget about them constantly.”
“Want me to poof to Paris and bring them back?”
It was a conundrum. On the one hand, I didn’t want them causing trouble. So far there had only been two fist fights and one stabbing—very little bloodshed. I called that a win. On the other hand, they might come in handy with the Steve Perry BFF plan of action. And who knew? Maybe seeing their little brother would mellow them out, and they wouldn’t commit a murder this evening. Stranger things had happened.
“Go get them,” I told Lizard as I noticed the arrival of my brother with his entourage of glowing Angels and flocks of white doves. God was so fucking over the top. “Tell them if they step out of line even once, they will spend a few centuries in the Basement of Hell burning in the fire pits.”
“Harsh, my liege,” Lizard said with a grin. “Diabolical.”
“Yes,” I said with a grin of my own. “I’m good like that.”
“That you are,” Lizard said with a bow and then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
“Lucifer,” God bellowed so everyone would hear him. He was such a show off. “Congratulations on your son. I’m honored to have been invited.”
“Must have been an accident,” I lied with a smile. “But now that you’ve crashed the party, please enjoy yourself.”
“Such a jokester,” God said in his outdoor voice and then leaned in close. “The village lost their idiot. You should probably go home.”
“Clearly your mind is on vacation,” I retorted, enjoying myself tremendously. “But your mouth is working overtime.”
“Nice,” God said with a chuckle. “You should roll your eyes. You might find a brain back there.”
“Not to worry,” I shot back. “I am trying to see this from your perspective, but it’s rather difficult to shove my head that far up my ass.”
“I find that hard to believe,” God said with a wide grin as his bright blue eyes twinkled with mischief. “You’re fucking Satan. Right? I’d think you were quite limber.”
The son of a bitch had bested me. Rare, but possible. The only thing to do now was electrocute my brother. I had to save face. It was my party after all.
Raising my hands high, I prepared to smite the good guy. It would be the talk of the century.
“Absolutely not,” Astrid hissed as she came up behind me and whacked me in the head. “You will not set your brother on fire. I worked far too hard on this bullshit party for you to get your panties in a wad and ruin it. You feel me, Uncle Fucker?”
God simply stood there and smiled. What a dick.
“I go commando,” I snapped, knowing my niece was correct.
“So does Ethan,” she said with a giggle as she hugged God. “I’m so happy you came. Is Cousin Jesus here?”
“He is, my child,” Go
d said with a nod and a chuckle. “He’s standing by, just in case you run out of wine.”
I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. As much as I loved to hate my brother… I secretly loved him and always would. Fate had handed down a harsh decree at the beginning of time that had torn us apart. But all through eternity, we had always been connected and always would be.
“Good one, Uncle God,” Astrid said with a laugh. “Uncle Fucker, you need to make the rounds at some point and say hello to your guests.”
“Can’t leave Elle unattended for too long,” I said, glancing back at my mate with pride. “We never apprehended the one who wanted to destroy the party and try to kill me.”
God’s eyes narrowed and shimmering white crystals burst around his head forming a halo. It was impressive. “Who is trying to ruin my brother’s day?” he demanded as a sharp wind blew through the room. “I will not allow it—even though it pisses me off that you have a birthday and I don’t.”
“Look,” I said, pulling God aside as Astrid scurried off to speak with the caterers. “Mom can’t remember shit. She was joking when she pulled the date April 1st out of her ass.”
“She does have a wicked and alarming sense of humor,” God whispered, glancing around to make sure our mother wasn’t within earshot.
“I’d describe it as warped,” I said. “However, calendars didn’t exist at the beginning of time.”
“Ahh,” God said, nodding thoughtfully. “So, if I just grabbed a random date, you would support it?”
“If you support April 1st for me, I will have my people lie to the world about your day as well,” I replied.
“I shall give it some thought,” God said with a chuckle. “And happy birthday to you and your beautiful boy.”
“I prefer womb eviction day,” I said. “But thank you.”
“I’m sorry. What?” God asked with his mouth agape. “Did you just say thank you?”
“Fuck,” I muttered. “I think I did. Can you keep that between us?”
“With pleasure,” God replied with a laugh. “Times, they are a-changin’,”
Fashionably Fooled Page 14
