by Zoey Shores
It wouldn’t sink my career before it started. We could do it.
That is … if Luke even really wants to date officially.
Early in the afternoon, my phone rings.
Rings? Who the hell calls anymore?
I lift it up and see it’s Luke calling. Not texting – calling. Talk about serious.
“Hi, Luke,” I answer, laden with nerves and anxiety.
“Hey, Heidi,” the answers. He goes quiet for a minute before continuing, “Can we talk later today?”
“Aren’t we talking now?”
“I mean, you know, in person.”
“Oh, yeah, okay,” I reply, feeling silly and awkward.
“Let’s meet at the coffee shop. Around three?”
“See you then,” I agree, before we quickly say our goodbyes and hang up.
I’d be lying if I said that the idea that Luke got what he wanted and now is ready to move on to the next girl didn’t cross my mind. But truly, I never really believed it. And Luke calling and wanting to talk in person about what happened makes me believe that he takes this seriously, too.
I actually think he really wants this. I think I trust him.
We can wait until the season is over, and then we can be together again. For real. Like we were, and like we always should have been.
We can make it work.
I get showered, dressed and sit back down on the couch again. I decide to watch the local news. Almost like it’s fate, about three minutes after I turn it on, they play a clip of Luke throwing a touchdown from last Saturday.
“Luke Tanner has definitely skyrocketed up the list of draft prospects to watch next year,” one of the sports analysts says.
“After last year, people were talking about him maybe as a fourth or fifth rounder, maybe making his way onto a team as a backup. Maybe even a third stringer. But after this year, I say there’s no way he doesn’t get picked up in the second round, at the latest,” another echoes the sentiments.
“Forget second round. Luke Tanner is a first rounder, and you heard it here first. As good as he’s been this year, I think he’s gonna dazzle us even more in the playoffs. I don’t think it’s impossible that the Wolves come out with the national championship this year,” a third analyst declares.
“Whoa, calm now there, Tom. You think the Wolves can survive a team like Clemson? Alabama? We already saw them lose to Ohio.”
“They lost by a hair to Ohio, the best, at worst the second-best team in the NCAA. No one would have predicted they’d have done as well as they already have. I’m not going to doubt them now. They’ve shocked the world already. And they’ll shock the world some more. And Luke Tanner will be a starting quarterback in the NFL two years from now.”
“Starting? You really hold him in such high regard?”
“Absolutely. You can take it to the bank, Winthrop fans. Luke Tanner will be playing every snap Sunday nights, for a real NFL team. The only question is, for who?”
A realization hits me like a bolt of lightning.
Luke is really going to be drafted this year. Drafted to the NFL. And it’s true what the guy on TV is saying. He’s playing well enough that he’s probably going to be a starting QB somewhere.
And that’s the key word: somewhere. He could end up anywhere next year. Anywhere in the country.
The chances that we’ll end up in the same city, him with the right NFL team and me with the right newspaper, is miniscule. Almost impossible. For one, the top places for me to find a job would be, of course New York, maybe Washington DC, San Francisco, Boston … all places not looking to draft a starting Quarterback this year.
So, what happens if Luke and I get together after this season? We’re together for another year before we both graduate and go our separate ways. Again. So, what, we spend the next year getting attached again, only to get ripped apart?
I don’t think I can go through that again. I know I can’t.
If we were freshman and had four years to look forward to, maybe things would be different. But we’re juniors, and junior year will be more than half over by the time we’re able to be together for real. We’ll have less than a year and a half. And then to break up? Because would a long-distance relationship ever be able to work?
How often would we even be able to see each other with him headquartered in another city and traveling all over the country? And I want to cover international politics, which will have me traveling all the time, too.
I only need to try and look into the nearest of the near future to see that Luke and I … could never work. We could never last. It’s just not in our stars. No matter how much either of us want it.
But I don’t want to damage our friendship. And I know that as long as we’re both single, and around each other often, our passion for each other will always boil over.
It seems like there’s only one way to resolve this. Only one way for us to still be friends, still be in each other's lives, without ending up hurt and damaged when any romantic relationship we have would just end up torn apart by distance.
“Heidi.” Luke greets me with a smile and stands up from his chair when I walk into the coffee shop.
I can tell by his excitement to see me that this conversation might not be easy. But I know this is the right decision. And I’m sure he’ll realize that, too.
I order a coffee and sit down. “So, Luke, I was thinking a lot today ...”
“So was I, Heidi,” he interrupts. “About last night. It was all I could think about. I couldn’t stop –”
“That’s not what I mean,” I cut him off, drawing a look of hesitancy and uncertainty from him. “What I mean is …" I sigh.
“Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. But I realized something. Me, you … this just can’t –”
“Heidi, wait,” he says, not mistaking from the tone in my voice the direction the conversation is headed.
“Let me finish. Me, and you, it won’t work.”
“Not during the season, I know. With you having the article, you can’t risk it. Hey, I don’t have time for a relationship either now that we have the playoffs to get ready for. But when the season is over –”
I silence him my shaking my head. “I thought of that. Believe me, I haven’t been thinking of anything else all morning. But no matter what, it’ll never work. You’re going to get drafted, we’ll be apart.”
“You don’t know that. It’s possible I’ll get drafted to the Giants, and it’s almost a sure thing that you’ll be working in New York.”
“Come on, Luke, we both know that the Giants don’t need a Quarterback this draft. I might be a newbie to sports, and that’s putting it mildly, but I know that much after being around football for the whole semester.”
“So, we won’t be in the same city right after we graduate. So? The NFL season is only a couple months. Wherever you are for the rest of the year, I can be there.”
I sigh. “Luke, I just … I can’t get attached to you again and then have us separated. You might not believe it, but when that happened the first time, back in high school … it took a long time to get over it. I never really did get over it.”
“I can believe it. I felt the same way. I didn’t get over it either ... until now. Now that we’re together again.”
“Yeah, we’re together. As friends. And if we stay friends, we can stay together as friends. Even in different cities, we can be friends. Even if we only see each other a couple times a year, we can be friends. And our friendship means so much to me. But if we’re dating, if we’re going to try to be together … well, that’s not possible if we can only see each other a couple times a year. We’ll break up, we’ll get hurt again, and we won’t be anything. We won’t be together, and we won’t be friends, either. I don’t want that to happen.”
“But think about last night. We’re not just friends, Heidi. We can’t be just friends. I want you. Just sitting here, looking at you, you look so fucking beautiful that I want to tu
rn this table over, take you in my arms, and fuck you right here. I don’t care who watches.”
“Luke,” I blush, melting under the intensity of his look, and the even greater intensity of his words.
“How can we be just friends? The whole time we’ve been friends this semester, we’ve been attracted to each other. After last night we don’t need to deny it anymore. Fuck, we can’t deny it anymore.”
“You’re right,” I say. “As long as we’re both single, we can’t just be friends.”
Luke nods his head with an expression on his face that says that’s what I’ve been telling you. “Yeah, I know. So …"
“So, if you were dating someone else. And dating them for real, a nice girl, not a hook up. Then we could be friends, because we couldn’t be anything else.”
“I don’t want to date someone else. I want to date you.”
“Please, Luke. This is important to me. I can’t lose our friendship, and I can’t get hurt again like I did last time. I have a friend, April, she’s --”
“I can’t believe this,” he says with a caustic laugh. “After last night, your idea is to set me up with one of your friends?” A look of incredulity is etched on his sharp, bold features.
“It’s the only way, Luke. Just give it a shot. You’ll get along great.”
Luke shakes his head again and chuckles to himself, before sighing and pushing back his chair. “Look, if you don’t want to be together, fine. I can’t force you. But I’m not dating someone else.”
“Just think about it, Luke. You’ll see, it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“The only thing that makes sense is you and me being together. And you know it, too.”
With that, he walks out of the cafe, leaving me sitting alone.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: LUKE
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After the most passionate night of my life – and I’m pretty fucking sure the most passionate night of hers, too – the next day she’s trying to set me up with her friend? What?
I was pretty shook up at first. After working out some of my frustration with a long run, and then some hard practice throws on the field, I was able to calm down a bit. I thought that maybe she would come to her senses. Maybe it was just taking her some time to mentally adjust to what had happened.
But that’s not what happened. It’s been almost two weeks, and we’ve hardly said a word to each other.
Now it’s Saturday. An away game against Penn State. Heidi and I have been avoiding each other all trip. The tension and awkwardness make the air thick if we’re even within fifty yards of each other.
And it sure as fuck isn’t helping my game.
“Damn it, Tanner!” Coach Riker fumes as I sulk back onto the sidelines after my second interception throw of the game. “What the hell’s gotten into you?”
“Sorry, Coach,” I drone as I take off my helmet, unable to make an excuse for myself.
“Put me in, Coach,” Carson jumps at the first sign of my weakness. “I can play QB, you know I can. Luke’s shitting the bed out there this week.”
“Still better than you could do. Stay in your lane, you’re a wide receiver.”
“Big talk from the guy who just threw his second interception.”
I square up against Carson, and he straightens his back to meet me, staring me in the eye.
“God damn it!” Coach Riker booms. “Get on the bench or I’ll take both of you out of the game. Now!”
Carson and I both salk back to opposite ends of the bench, mumbling on our way.
I glance over at Heidi, who’s trying to pay attention to what’s happening on the field. I don’t want to blame her for my own failings today but ... shit, I can’t think of anything else but what happened between us. If things stay this way, it’ll be a damn short playoff run for us.
I crack open my third beer of the night and plop back down on the couch.
“Trying to drink away the memory of those three interceptions, buddy?” Chase jabs.
“Ugh, don’t remind me of the third one,” Archer groans.
“To be fair, the game was already lost at that point, so that one didn’t really matter,” Lincoln adds from the kitchen, where he’s cooking our dinner for the night.
“Thanks for the support, Linc,” I say ironically, before downing about half of my third can in one gulp.
“For real, though, bro, lighten up. Everyone has a bad game now and then,” Chase tries to sugar coat.
“That’s true, Luke,” Archer adds. “I mean, not everyone has a game that bad, but ...”
In response to Archer’s joke, I finish the last of my beer and toss the can across the room into the recycling bin.
Archer nods his head in approval. “Hey, at least you can still make that throw.”
“Always the optimist,” I deadpan back.
Lincoln slides a cooking sheet of Brussel sprouts into the oven and then joins us in the living room. “Alright, we’ve been beating around the bush for two weeks now. What happened with you and Heidi?”
“Nothing,” I answer instinctively, knowing that none of the guys are going to buy it.
“No one plays a game as bad at this last Saturday’s without girl problems, Luke,” Chase calls me out.
I sigh, wishing I had another beer – or two – in my hand right now. “Let’s just say it became clear that we can’t be just friends, and she’s trying to resist that.”
“Give her some time,” Archer tries to encourage me. “She’ll come around.”
I breath out half of a bitter laugh and shake my head. An empty platitude.
“And if she doesn’t?” I ask, more to myself than to anyone else, because I know it’s a question without an answer.
“If she doesn’t, well, you’re Luke Tanner,” Chase tries to answer it anyway. “There are plenty of finish in the sea.”
Ha. Sure there are. But not for me.
For me, there’s only one. And she won’t even try to make it work.
And next week is Thanksgiving break. I’ll be back in my hometown. The town we grew up in together. The town we met in. The town where we had our first kiss.
And so will she.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR: HEIDI
Ever since I got home to my parents’ house on Wednesday, I’ve been moping. I’ve tried to force myself to seem cheerful, like nothing was going on, but it’s impossible. I know Luke is only a couple miles away. Within walking distance. Still.
Everyone was asking me what the matter is during our Thanksgiving get-together – my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles a couple cousins. I just fibbed and told them that this semester was really overwhelming, and that I was worried about finals season coming up. Since I do go to Winthrop, after all, it’s a plausible enough fib.
But it’s still, of course, total bullshit.
I’m moping because I can’t stop thinking about Luke. I can’t stop doubting my decision that we won’t be able to make things work out, but the rational part of my brain can’t stop reminding me that I know I’m right. I can’t stop wanting to run out the door and to his house and throw myself into his arms. I can’t stop remembering that night in the offices of the student paper. I can’t stop remember his striking looks, his intoxicating scent, his electrifying touch.
And I can’t tell anyone about it. If my parents knew about me and Luke, they’d freak out. If I weren’t already sure that we could never work out in the long-run, I’d have them to remind me at every turn.
After the rest of the family leaves, I tell my parents that I’m going to take a walk for a while. It’s a crisp night, very much like the night Luke and I …
I shake my head and let out a sigh. I can’t keep dwelling on it. It would be best if I would wipe that memory from my mind.
But how could that ever even be possible? Who could forget a night like that?
As if I don’t have enough to worry about, it’s possible that Luke just ruined all other men for me for the rest
of my life. Because compared to what Luke did to me that night, what I’d done before with Paul … that wasn’t sex. That was a joke. How can any other man -- any other man who would ever give me a second look – ever measure up to a man like Luke Tanner?
As I walk aimlessly around the town I grew up in, the town Luke and I grew up in, my feet eventually bring me to my old high school. I walk around the grounds, breathing the crisp, cool air into my lungs and feeling overtaken by wistful reminiscences.
It’s only been about two and a half years since I graduated from here. Why does it already feel like a lifetime ago?
The moon is full, and the clouds are sparse tonight, allowing a soft, ethereal white light to fall softly on the campus. I walk around the perimeter of the main school building out to the back, where the football field lies, flanked with long and high bleachers.
When Luke was our Quarterback here, these bleachers were packed every Friday night. I remember how much excitement there was around the school at that time. A lot like the excitement that sprung up at Winthrop once Luke took the reins at Quarterback and, along with Coach Riker and the other new players, turned around the formerly long-mediocre Wolves.
I walk behind the set of bleachers flanking the east of the field. Emotion overtakes me and chokes my throat as a memory flashes in my mind. It was right here …
Early sophomore year. Luke and I had had about four dates at the time. I’d just finished up at yearbook club, he’d just finished football practice. We met up here to talk. He seemed preoccupied the whole time. I was worried that he was losing interest.
Then, all of a sudden, he kissed me.
Our first kiss. My first kiss. And, as hard as it was for me to believe when he told me, his first kiss, too.
I take a couple steps back, looking into the dark shadows underneath the overhang of the bleachers. Soon, the memory of being with Luke in the student paper offices will be as far away as the memory of kissing him underneath these bleachers when we were sophomores in high school.
