by Eden Finley
Granted it’s massively selfish and a big deal …
Shit, maybe I shouldn’t?
This is for Ash, I remind myself.
That’s enough for me to hit the button on my steering wheel that’s connected to my phone.
“Call Ollie.”
“Calling Polly. Is that correct?” the voice says back at me.
“No. Cancel.” When I get confirmation they’re not calling some chick named Polly—I don’t even know what a Polly is doing in my phone—I hit the button again and speak clearer. “Call Ollie.”
“Calling Grammy. Is that correct?”
Motherfucker. “No.”
How did it get Grammy from Ollie?
“Call Ollie Strömberg.”
“Calling Leo Strömberg. Is that correct?”
I huff. Close enough. “Yes.”
“What’s up?” Leo answers immediately.
“Can you message Ollie and get him to call me?”
“What? Why?”
“My stupid voice thingy isn’t working, and I’m a little over an hour out from New York.”
There’s a pause. “Why are you going to New York?”
“Why do you think?”
“With none of us there to referee the fight? I dunno if we should let that happen.”
“This is between Ollie and me. Just get him to call me.” I hit End before he can protest more.
Knowing my family, they’d want to turn this into a spectator sport and add their own comments.
The call from Ollie comes in a few minutes later.
I hit Answer. “Hey.”
“Why exactly do I have to call you?”
“What’d Leo say?”
“That your phone is broken and that I need to call you, but that didn’t make sense if your phone was broken.”
“I’m on my way to New York and I’m driving, so I couldn’t reach my phone. I’m coming to see you.”
He’s silent for a beat. “Coming to see me? Why?”
“Brotherly chat?”
“Mmm. What about?”
I sigh. “I think you know, but I want to do this face-to-face. Where are you?”
“At home.”
“Yeah, great. You do realize I haven’t visited you in New York yet? Send me your address.”
“’Kay.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
The nerves build the rest of the drive, settling in my stomach and setting up permanent residence.
Before I hit the city, I punch his place into the GPS so I know where the hell I’m going. I’ve only ever been to New York a couple of times, and it’s as confusing to navigate as I remember.
I notice I have a slew of notifications from Ash wondering where I went. So after I find a parking garage near Ollie’s apartment and balk at the cost, I message Ash back and tell him I’m sorting this once and for all.
It’s almost eight, and the thought of having to drive back to Boston tonight makes me want to gag. Maybe after my brother punches me out, he’ll offer me a place to sleep.
I reach the stoop of his apartment and hold my breath as I hit the buzzer to let me in.
Climbing the stairs in his building, I have a moment of panic where I want to turn and run away, because my relationship with my brother means everything to me, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.
But then all I have to do is think of Ash and remember that he deserves this. He deserves a man who will fight for him.
Neither Ollie or Taylor were willing to, and if this is my only shot, I’m taking it.
Ollie’s door comes into view as I round the last set of stairs, and I pause.
I haven’t wanted anything more than Ash. And to get Ash, I need Ollie’s approval.
His door pops open, and there’s baby bro, looking more intimidating than usual.
I mean, he’s a six-foot-four hockey player—intimidation is his career. He’s just never intimidated me that much, because he was always the little shithead brother who wouldn’t leave me and Ash alone growing up.
“Aww, don’t chicken out now after driving all this way,” he taunts. It’s not a playful taunt, but in a way that lets me know he’s not going to make this easy for me.
I trudge up the last of the steps and head inside his apartment.
The door shutting literally sounds like locks on a cell and I’m about to start my sentence.
“Drink?” Ollie asks.
“Definitely.”
He smiles. “Don’t worry, bro, I’m going to make this as painless as possible.” Something in his tone suggests the opposite.
“So you do know why I’m here.”
“Surprised you didn’t come sooner.” Ollie takes out three glasses, the scotch from on top of his fridge, and starts pouring.
“Three …”
“Hey.” Clark’s voice comes from behind me.
Oh great. I get to do this with an audience. An audience who hates me, because admittedly, I was a dick to Ollie’s boyfriend when I first met him.
“Uh, hi.”
Clark walks around the other side of Ollie and takes his drink. Ollie’s arm wraps around his boyfriend’s shoulders, and they wait.
Right. Time to grovel. I go to start when I stare over at Ollie’s living room. “Should we sit for this?”
Ollie shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. Then just stares at me.
God, this is already painful.
“We can sit, but it’s going to be a short conversation,” Ollie says. “You can’t fuck my ex-boyfriend. End of story.”
Any hope I had disappears with a whoosh.
My mouth drops open, but Ollie remains stoic. The drink in front of me looks mighty inviting. Ollie’s too.
I drink mine down and then take Ollie’s out of his hand and drink that as well.
“That’s it, then? I don’t even get to plead my case?” My gaze flicks from Ollie’s to Clark’s and back again.
Clark nudges my brother. “You promised you wouldn’t do that.”
Ollie breaks out into a grin. “Come on. It was so easy. And fun. It looks like Maxi’s gonna throw up.”
I resist the urge to punch him. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“Hey, you’re the one who’s here to tell me you have a thing for Ash. I’m just trying to deal with it the only way I know how, because if I don’t joke, I’ll fucking beat the ever-loving shit out of you.”
“I’d like to see you try.” I step closer.
Clark gets in between us. “Okay. That escalated quickly. Back to your corners.” He turns to Ollie. “You said you were going to hear him out.”
“Fine.” Ollie pours himself some more scotch and heads for his couch. His eyes are cold as he takes his seat. “Convince me why this shouldn’t piss me off.”
A million excuses run through my head.
You’re happy with Clark.
You’ve been broken up for a year.
He was mine first.
I’ve been in love with him longer than you.
Though, that one’s technically not true. Ollie pretty much fell for Ash as a kid, he just didn’t know it until he was fifteen and realized the infatuation meant he was gay.
None of my reasonings are good enough excuses to come between us as brothers.
“Because five years ago when you started dating, I was already in love with him and I never said anything.”
Ollie loses the smugness in his face. “W-what?”
I huff and take a seat in the armchair opposite him. “My junior year of college, I realized I liked Ash more than a friend, but the timing never worked out. When we graduated, we were going into business together, and I was scared of fucking everything up.”
“Y-you’re in love with him …”
“You remember the summer you two got together?”
“Duh.”
“It was the only year I went to Camp Frottage without him, and the whole summer I spent building the courage to tell him how I f
elt. And, of course, when I came home—”
“We were already together,” Ollie says, his voice quiet. “You never said anything.”
“You made each other happy.” I shrug. “I couldn’t want anything more for my brother and best friend. Saying something after it had already happened was only going to cause shit.”
Ollie still appears to be in shock. “You should’ve said something. He would’ve chosen you, and then maybe … maybe we wouldn’t have tortured each other for so long to make something that was wrong work.” He hangs his head.
“What do you mean he would’ve chosen me?”
“You know what I always used to think?” Ollie asks.
I shake my head.
“I used to always think, ‘Thank fuck Max isn’t gay.’ If you were, I never would’ve stood a chance. It’s like you two were complete complements of each other, and I thought it was a best-friend thing, because you were straight. Guess it was more than that all along.”
Guilt gnaws at me. “I was never going to act on something that would’ve hurt you. But when you broke up, it’s like all those feelings came flooding back, and I’ve been ignoring it and pushing it down for so long that I ended up kissing his best friend just so I could try to forget.”
“That Jordan guy,” Ollie murmurs. “Why can’t you just date him?”
I wish it were that easy. “He’s not Ash. While you two were together, I could accept that he would only be mine in a platonic way, and I’ve been telling myself the same thing every day since I found out you broke up. I don’t want to disrespect you or what you had—”
“Fuuuck.” Ollie runs a hand through his ash-blond hair.
“What?”
“How am I supposed to sit here and tell you not to date him after that? I … I didn’t realize you’ve been in love with him forever. Though it makes total sense now.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. And the thing is, I don’t even know if Ash and I will work as a couple, but it’s getting to the point where we have to try or we’re going to send each other crazy.”
Ollie purses his lips. “Have you … have, you know …”
“Nothing’s happened. But …”
“You want it to.”
“Hence driving all this way to talk to you even though I have to be back at the shop in the morning.”
Ollie lets out a long sigh. “I still really don’t like it. I mean, I’m in love with Clark”—he smirks at his boyfriend—“and I couldn’t be happier, but Ash …”
Even I see the guilt in his eyes as he stares at his current boyfriend.
Clark steps forward. “He’ll always mean something to you, and I understand it. You have matching tattoos, for fuck’s sake.”
“Uh, about the tattoos. Ash asked me a few weeks ago to do a cover-up on his …”
“He what?” Ollie asks.
“He couldn’t go through with it though. I thought, maybe you could talk to him about it?”
Ollie stands. “I’ll be back.”
I narrow my eyes. “Okaaay.”
He disappears into his bedroom.
“What the—” I turn to Clark. “What’s he doing?”
“Sending Ash a video of him jerking off?” He shrugs.
I stare at him like he’s crazy.
“Okay, that was a joke. Breathe.” He sits where Ollie was sitting a moment ago.
“How are you okay with all this?” I wave my hand around.
“I’m not. I mean, not really. But I guess that’s why I understand it. I don’t like that Ollie still has hang-ups over Ash, but I also know it’s not because he still has feelings for him or wants him back or any of that. I may not know what it’s like to have a family as close as yours or an ex who I still have to see, but I do know what it’s like to be heartbroken, and that never really goes away. I know Ollie loves me and that I’m the guy for him.” Another shrug. “That makes it easier.”
Ollie’s low murmurs come from the bedroom and then stop. Then start again, but I can’t hear anything he’s saying.
“For what it’s worth, I think you and Ash will make a great couple. You’re defensive of him and protective, and I know the reason you treated me like shit is because of the love you have for both Ollie and Ash. I hope everything works out for you two.”
“Even if it’ll be awkward at family gatherings?”
Clark laughs. “Hey, I’m already pretty awkward. More won’t get me down.”
Ollie reappears.
I narrow my eyes. “What did you do?”
“Sent Ash a video.”
After Clark’s joke earlier, my eyes widen. “What kind of video?”
Clark smirks.
“Telling him if you guys want to be together, I’m not going to make your lives difficult. And to keep the fucking tattoo, because erasing it won’t erase what happened between us, and I don’t want to forget anyway.”
“Really?”
“Yes. He’ll tell you the rest when you go back. Which is when, by the way?”
I groan. “I should probably wait awhile after those drinks. Don’t suppose you could feed me dinner?”
Ollie chuckles. “Let’s go out to eat.”
“Wait, have you guys not eaten?”
Clark looks at me incredulously. “Are you kidding me? He’s already had two dinners. This will be his third.”
“I’m a growing boy.”
“You better watch it, because it’s off season and with your lack of training, you’ll start growing outwards.”
Ollie pulls Clark close. “We’ll work it off later.”
“Too much information for your older brother,” I interject. “Please feed me.”
“You two go,” Clark says. “I’m not hungry at all, because I eat one meal like a normal-sized human being. Might be a good thing for you two to hang out on your own now I know you’re not going to kill each other.”
Ollie leans in and kisses his boyfriend. “I’ll be back soon.”
He nods. “I’ll be in bed waiting for you.”
I sigh. I want that type of relationship in my life.
Now that I have Ollie’s blessing, the opportunity is within reach.
Ash and I just have to take it.
6
Ash
Max has ignored my calls since he walked out of the shop hours ago, and now I feel like an idiot for waiting for him in his apartment.
Or technically, our apartment.
We’re both on the lease, and up until a few months ago, I was living here with him.
I think back to every time I sat in this very spot on the couch and broke down over his stupid brother. How Max would be there to wrap an arm around me, tell me Ollie was a dumbass, and then kiss me on the top of my head.
Fuck, how did I miss seeing Max had feelings for me? Straight guys don’t kiss their gay guy friends on the head … do they?
I always thought it was normal, but now I’m not so sure.
I take out my phone and message Jordan.
Me: Do straight guys show affection to their gay friends?
Jordan: In my experience, no. They always wanna ride the D. Then again, everyone wants to ride my D.
Me: Sure they do. Keep living in that delusion, buddy.
If Max actually wanted me all that time … Oh my God, how did he put up with me dating so many guys after Ollie? Once I got over Ollie’s rejection, I went on the prowl for someone who could give me what I wanted. Some of them made it home with me, only to discover the next day they were full of shit and I never saw them again. But most were up-front about not wanting to settle down and wouldn’t make it past the first date.
Yet, there Max was every night, reminding me of my value and telling me I deserve the world.
I never once thought he was offering it. Which, I guess he wasn’t, technically, because he thought he couldn’t. Now I don’t know where he is at all. He said he needed to talk to Ollie, but surely he didn’t mean he was going to New York.
I try to
call him again, but before I can hit Dial, a message from Ollie takes over my screen.
When I open it, a video-still pops up, and I hit Play without hesitation. Maybe I should’ve hesitated.
There’s my ex-boyfriend, all messy blond hair and hazel eyes staring at me. “Hey, Ash. I thought you should know Max is with me, and we’re … talking some shit out. I’m sending you a video, mainly because I don’t think I can talk about it with you yet, and I didn’t want to send you a text message.”
My heart beats erratically, and my mouth dries. Max told him. He actually told him.
I hold my breath, because the next thing out of Ollie’s mouth could go either way, and I don’t think I’m prepared for either answer.
If he was okay with it, there’d be an enormous amount of pressure on Max and me. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we’re wrong? On the flip side, what if it’s everything we’ve both wanted for fucking years? What if it’s our time to have a real chance at this?
If Ollie is not okay with it, we’re going to have to figure out a way to deal with that. I vote for moving to New Zealand, because the only way I’ll be able to stay away from Max now I know how he really feels is to move to the other side of the world.
Ollie runs a hand over his hair, messing it up some more. “I … I’m gonna be honest and say I hate the idea of you and Max.”
My heart sinks.
“But you wouldn’t be happy with me loving the idea either. If you really think about it.”
“True,” I say aloud even though he can’t hear me. I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if Ollie turned to his brother and said, “Have at it.” It’d be like hearing he never actually cared for me.
“I will be okay with it,” he continues. “Eventually. Don’t let me stand in the way of what you guys could possibly have, because from what Max has told me, it could be everything you’ve ever wanted. I didn’t live up to that, but maybe he could. I just want you to be happy. As empty as that sounds, it’s true.”
It’s more than we could have possibly hoped for, and I have to say Ollie’s a bigger man than I probably could be.
“One last thing. Don’t get rid of our tattoo, jackass. It means something. We meant something. That’ll never change no matter what happens.”
