I kept them safely hidden from everyone else for fear they would try to exorcise them. I hated them with every inch of my soul, which is precisely why I needed them even more.
I think that’s what made tonight strange in more ways than one. The ache between my thighs and the way my fingers lingered on his skin for longer than they needed to should have set off alarm bells in my head. It was stronger than it had been in quite some time. I brushed aside my stirrings of desire as simply needing to get laid.
I once had few inhibitions when it came to sex, but he hadn’t attempted to fuck me again, and the last person who touched my body before that made sure I knew fucking me was like fucking a corpse.
All the self-confidence in the world couldn’t stop me from feeling the stinging humiliation that followed those words. Maliki keeping his hands to himself wasn’t helping me feel better.
As to why I was touching him longer than necessary? Simple: I loved touching him.
But we were just friends.
I would keep repeating those two words until I made myself understand that’s all we’d ever be. I was okay with that, because I knew what I risked losing.
Denial was one hell of a drug.
Maliki’s ability to pull me from a chaotic downward spiral directly to a state of tranquility with merely a look or a few softly spoken words was an obvious sign that he was my recovery. Regrettably, I was unable to accept that.
I continued massaging the lotion into his flesh, taking my time when I got to the top part of his shoulder where a shaded sleeve began, wrapping around his entire right arm. Aside from the Venom insignia on his neck, it was the only other place he had ink.
Feeling the sudden need to break the silence, I cleared my throat. “You did a terrible job drying off. That’s what I was staring at, not eye fucking you.”
He chuckled softly. “Nyx, if you didn’t eye fuck me, I’d be offended, but since you wanna be a girl about it, I’ll pretend to believe you weren’t thinking dirty things about me.”
His words needled too close to being true for me to find the amusement in them. I shook my head and gently pushed between his shoulder blades. He didn’t go anywhere, but it had been worth a try.
“You can get up now. You’re done. And while you’re at it, put a shirt on so I can control these filthy thoughts of mine.”
The muscles in his back flexed as he twisted to look at me, a cocky grin in place. “I’d rather you share those thoughts. We can compare notes afterward.”
“Get up!” I shoved him again, this time successfully making his body slide from between my legs. I recapped the lotion and wiped the last bit on my jeans, passing the bottle off when he stood and reached for it.
“You tired?” he asked, tossing it towards his duffel.
“Nope,” I lied. I was always ready to meet the sandman on the other side, but I hated what was waiting for me in my dreams every time I arrived.
Maliki hummed in response and rounded to the opposite side of the bed.
“Switch me spots.”
“What?”
“Swap places with me,” he clarified.
“Um…okay.”
I slid down a bit, and he claimed the spot I’d just been sitting in.
He spread his legs and gave me an expectant look when I hesitated to climb between them. Wondering where he was going with this, I shrugged and took up the same position he’d just been in.
At first, nothing happened, and I began to think he was screwing with me. His deep exhale swiftly had me changing my mind. It was as if an immeasurable amount of stress expelled from him with that one breath.
I related to it so much that my heart constricted in my chest. This was what none of the others would understand about us.
It’s why I’d never tell him to stop doing whatever it was he was doing in these motels, even though I desperately wanted to know. As nice as moments like this were, it didn’t change the fact that we were both all types of screwed up.
We all were, but Malik and I were on an entirely different spectrum. Our pain was worse. The betrayal cut deeper because it came from people we stupidly thought we’d loved, but had never loved us.
I was just getting acquainted with death, and darkness had gradually been becoming his constant companion. The domino effect of events the last few weeks forced us to embrace them fully, whether we were ready or not—and neither of us had been.
This was the result of life hitting us harder than we expected and testing to see if we were strong enough to get back up. He was struggling to cope, but until he let me all the way in, I could do nothing more than be there when he needed me to.
I knew this because I was struggling, too. I was lost in a sea of chaos and beginning to feel battered by the waves. The only difference between the two of us was that my demons and I were becoming the best of friends, and he was still waging war with his.
I wasn’t going to demand he tell me why his jeans had blood on them because I knew he would when he was ready. And I didn’t protest when his arms slipped around my waist and pulled me further into him.
He stretched one arm out and turned the light off, shutting us in the dark, and then he laid me down, my back flush against his naked chest.
The bed squeaked and dipped as he settled behind me, resting one hand on my hip. He didn’t try to press his cock into my ass or feel me up, he simply held me and we took comfort from one another—just like we had a million times before.
“This never gets old,” he murmured after another stretch of silence.
I made a sound of agreement and closed my eyes.
This was nice. It was peace and solitude minus the loneliness. He was warmth and small moments of peace. I couldn’t risk losing this any more than I could stop myself from comparing him to the man who fell short of how incredible he was in every single way.
“Not tired, huh?” I heard sometime later, feeling cool breath on my cheek seconds before I fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter Four
quattuor
I pulled my fresh T over my head, and then popped my toothbrush out of my mouth so I could spit.
In the mirror, I had a perfect view of Nyx still slumbering in bed. I knew she was tired. She’d eventually learn I could see past all her bullshit.
One flower-inked arm was slung over her eyes, long silky hair fanned out beneath her head like a dark halo. She was fucking mesmerizing.
Every inch of her was captivating.
I’d never been this close to a woman that looked like her—in all fairness, that was because no one was on her level. I had only fucked her twice. That was testament to how much I liked this girl.
On top of her being the most divine thing I’d come across in this wasteland, her personality was dope—even when she was being a cold-hearted bitch.
She had a few odd habits of her own that I was positive she wasn’t aware of. Some that would freak an average man the fuck out. I found them interesting, to say the least.
Nyx was the first woman I’d been cool with on this level. I was tight with Trix, of course, but she was into the same kind of chicks I was.
I had no issues with Adelaide, but she was in love with my brother, and he was madly obsessed with her.
Last night, I’d gone from gutting a bitch to making it my mission that Nyx would smile—all in the span of five minutes. That summed me up pretty well as a person. I wasn’t soft, and I didn’t do sweet—not unless it was about her.
Hearing a light knock on the door, I hurriedly rinsed my mouth and toothbrush, placing the travel cap back on it before I went to see what he wanted—he being Zane. The sky had changed from black to blue thirty minutes ago, but he would have gotten up hours before then.
Swinging the door open, I stepped out and pulled it shut behind me, making sure I didn’t wake Nyx.
“Never thought I’d see the day you fully handed your balls over,” Zane said amusedly.
I glanced over to where he was leaning against the brick
exterior of the motel. “Is that why you have those teeth marks on the side of your neck? Addy take your balls, Z?”
He grinned and brought his hand up to touch the dark spot, suddenly looking prideful as fuck. “She got a little pissed off last night, but my balls are still firmly intact and her ass looks twice as bad.”
I shook my head at him and chuckled. With Zane, there could be a million different reasons Addy went Cujo on him. Those two were a match and gasoline that had yet to fully combine; when they did, shit was bound to explode.
“Outside of you mauling your girl’s ass, did you get anything from the bartender?”
He pulled a joint from behind his ear and a lighter from his jean pocket, sparking it up before replying.
“Yup.” He took a hit, held it, exhaled and then passed it to me. “We head to Dartmoor as soon as everyone is up. After that, we can loop back to V3, regroup and restock on diesel and food. Maybe by then we’ll have some fuckin clue as to what we need to do next.”
I took a pull from the joint and nodded. “You gonna tell me what’s in Dartmoor?”
“I was getting to that. We’re going to find a guy named Buddy. He’s a panhandler who supposedly pawned off a man with shoulder length hair and a redhead with an accent.”
“Darrian and Ace.”
We’d wondered what the fuck had happened to him when he was snatched during our infamous showdown a few weeks ago.
“Yeah, and if either of them were with these Stag fucks, they might have heard or seen something that can help us pinpoint where they’re hiding out and lead us to the kids. Although, I’m not too sure they’ll be all that young anymore.”
I took another hit from the joint and passed it back. He was right; the chances of them being in perfect physical health was debatable. Mentally, it was highly unlikely.
I’d seen Adelaide’s baby sister the day we got her back just as clearly as the rest of our group did. The bruises on her thighs painted a clear picture of what had happened to her.
We couldn’t be sure that Demon, Lilith, and Samael were even still alive.
There was still way too much we didn’t know where the Stags were concerned—like why they took them in the first place or what it was they truly wanted, because one thing for certain, it was not Butcher or Gwen, and I didn’t know what three teenagers could give them, either. What I did know was that for the sake of everyone involved, not a single one of those kids had better be dead.
“Have you spoken to Lucifuge?”
“He’s the one who sent me the directions to Dartmoor. For once, I think he’s actually focused on the same thing we are.”
That didn’t surprise me. Luce was a lot of things, and I didn’t trust his ass, but there was no disputing that he was fiercely protective of his friends and family.
He was one of the key reasons Addy and Zane were openly able to be together. Their relationship was thoroughly weaved into the details of our factions’ alliance. The one I was still wrapping my head around.
Most already knew better than to fuck with the devil’s daughter, but for someone to come at the Savage princess and the Venom queen? That was suicidal. If one of her psychotic ass family members didn’t take them out, one of ours would—exactly what Luce had wanted, his sister heavily protected, which led me to believe he was up to something.
“Maliki,” Zane said, tone turning serious, “how bad is it?”
I turned his question over in my head, wondering how to respond. I didn’t lie to Z.
At times, I bullshitted my way around certain topics, but we never lied to one another. Keeping secrets from the one person who had always had your back was a dumbass move.
“I think I’m breaking.” Four words he would understand perfectly. Four simple words that let him know the demons were no longer contained inside my head, that they were now manifesting in my blood.
Every second of every day, they grew a little stronger, and I was feeling fucking hopeless. I couldn’t tell if I was still sane when my issues were leaking from my brain and into reality. I put on an act so no one knew, but it was only a matter of time before they met the man I’d been trying to hide.
A man who did shit he was ashamed of to take off the edge. A man who was beginning to hate the sight of himself.
Zane nodded as if confirming something. “I’m going to tell you what I told you once before, way back when we were sleeping on thin sheets over concrete in a subway station.”
“And what’s that?”
He snubbed out the joint and turned his stocky body so that we were facing one another.
“Let yourself break. Stop trying to fight it. Stop trying to change who you’ve always been. No amount of drugs or alcohol is going to take this away. It comes with being part of this degenerate generation.” He placed a hand on my shoulder. “No matter how bad it’s gotten, it isn’t going to stop you being from my brother, or that girl in there from needing you.”
Dropping his arm, he looked across the parking lot where Greer was leaving some random room.
“Mi amigos!” he called to us, spreading his hands out.
“This fucking guy.” Zane laughed, the heavy veil draped over us temporarily lifting.
“Wake your girl up; I’ll fill this asshole in and have him wake Trix. You know how that goes.”
I didn’t bother correcting him. He’d been calling Nyx my girl before she and I had ever had a full blown conversation.
Grinning when he called Greer a dumbass loud enough for me to hear, I held onto the fleeting feeling of being able to breathe without the self-loathing clawing at my insides.
I knew Zane was right. He had been right since we were two kids fighting to make it out of the underground.
It was funny how family could tell you exactly how to get your shit together, but everything was easier said than done, and it wasn’t easy to admit that.
I sat her bag down beside mine, eyeing the dios los muertos sticker on the side of it.
Knowing the woman sleeping a few inches away from me was meant to harness souls of the dead didn’t bother me like you’d think it would. Of all the twisted fates there were, desiring death was my favorite one.
From the second her hands wrapped around my neck and I discovered what flavor her pain was, I’d been hooked.
I watched the rise and fall of her chest for a minute, taking in how peaceful she appeared right now. I hated to wake her, but we needed to go. The sooner the better, considering there was a fresh body behind this building because of me.
“Nyx.” I placed a hand on her forearm and gently shook. Her eyes popped open and she peered up at me through dark lashes.
“Time to get up.”
“I fell asleep?”
“Yeah, about six hours ago. We got a lead to follow.”
She swung her legs over the side of the mattress, still staring up at me.
“Boots are at the end of the bed. Your bag is next to mine. Coffee and a Nutribar are on the nightstand,” I told her, studying the outline of her pretty mouth.
“Thank you,” she said, gracing me with a small smile.
My dick throbbed—painfully. I’d had to keep it from pressing into her ass all night. There were a million things I wanted to do to her streaming through my mind.
“You don’t have to thank me, babygirl. What are friends for?”
Her smile slipped and she dropped her gaze, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth.
I may have said that last part with too much sarcasm. I knew I was an asshole. I didn’t have an excuse for it, and I didn’t feel bad.
This friendship was ironic all on its own. There was a time she and I would avoid looking at each other. Now, here we were. I knew there were lines and boundaries. Things friends didn’t do.
I wanted to say fuck em all, but I had to do it right. I couldn’t risk fucking up and losing the only person who quieted my demons with her presence alone.
I felt ten times lighter just knowing this thing between us wasn’
t one-sided. The way she’d been looking at me lately told me all I needed to know. The way she’d touched me last night placed a nail in the coffin of this ‘friendship.’ She just didn’t know it yet.
I left her to eat, shower, and get dressed, and by the time her boots were re-laced, her karambit scythe secured inside one, and her Glock safely holstered on her hip, I had our bags in the SUV and everyone was ready to go.
We left the room together, her in front of me and giving me a grand view of an ass wrapped in olive cargo shorts. They were the kind that rose high around her waist, so every step she took made it seem as if an ass-cheek might pop out.
“Stop it,” she snapped, trying to side-step so I wouldn’t be right up on her anymore once she realized what I was doing.
“Aht-aht.” I slipped an arm around her waist before she could fall too far behind me, forcing her to walk by my side.
“You’re such a pig,” she grumbled.
“Not a pig, just a man who appreciates a great ass.”
“This is disgustingly cute,” Addy commented when we reached the SUV, waving a finger between the two of us.
Realizing everyone had been watching us, Nyx wiggled away from me.
I had to restrain myself from dragging her ass back to me by the hair. I hated when she did this shit. Our friends weren’t stupid. They knew how close we were. Greer already thought we were fucking on a regular basis and refused to believe otherwise.
Seeing Addy climb in back with her cousin, I took shotgun. Zane slid behind the steering wheel, Trix and Greer got situated all the way in the third row, and then we were back on the road, heading to wherever Dartmoor was. According to the coordinates Luce sent, it was a good two and a half hours away.
Forty minutes into the drive, the SUV had fallen into a familiar heavy silence, all our remnants of happiness replaced by a grim reality.
We each had our own broken thoughts to sort through, shit only we could deal with.
Zane reached out and tapped a few icons on the SUV’s screen until DJ Dystopian’s station came in. Johnny Cash’s worn voice poured through the speakers, filling the quiet with his bleak words. I tried not to read too much into what he was saying.
Hellions: Badlands: Next Generation Page 5
