A New Beginning

by Samantha Hicks

  After Amy sipped the last of her fourth glass wine, Laura asked, “Are you ready to go?”

  “If you are.” Amy’s cheeks glowed a deep pink and her eyes were shimmering and unfocused. The effects of the alcohol making themselves known. It was cute.

  “Yes, my feet are killing me in these shoes.”

  They said their goodnights to Craig and some of the fellow guests and made their way back to Laura’s car. After settling Amy in her seat, Laura got in the driver’s side and headed for home. Amy’s slightly slurred voice murmured to her.

  “Aaron has finished with school now for the summer so any time you have a day off, we can go somewhere if you want.”

  “I’d like that. I’m my own boss don’t forget, so I can take a day off whenever I need one. Just let me know when and where and I’ll be there.”

  “I don’t want to take up all of your time if you’re busy.”

  Laura reached over, taking Amy’s hand in her own, entwining their fingers. “I only have two clients now, plus your father, and the other projects are pretty much near completion. I’m sure your parents won’t mind if I take some time off to take out their beautiful daughter and grandson.”

  Amy gave her hand a squeeze. “As I said, you’re all conspiring against me.”

  “Do you mind?” Laura asked, uncertainty edging its way into her voice. She didn’t want Amy to feel pressured into being with her. As much as she was falling for Amy, she didn’t want Amy to feel like she was being forced into anything. If Amy told her to leave her alone, she would, no matter how much it would hurt.

  “Not one bit,” came Amy’s reply.

  “Good.” A few minutes later she pulled up outside Amy’s home. “We’re here,” she said, looking over and seeing Amy’s eyes closed. She gently shook her shoulder, waking her. Amy blushed. “I’ll get the door for you.”

  After Laura helped her out of the car, Amy said, “Thank you. I had a really great time,” leaning into her personal space.

  Laura lightly grasped her waist. “Thank you for accompanying me.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Can I kiss you now?” Laura murmured, her mouth inches away from Amy’s. “I’ve been waiting all night and I feel I may combust if I don’t.”

  Amy didn’t answer, she just leaned up and pressed her lips to Laura’s. And like every time they had kissed before, Laura’s heart hammered against her ribs and her mind went fuzzy. Kissing Amy was like nothing she had ever experienced before, and it drove her to the edge of distraction. Amy tasted of wine and promises. She trailed her hands up Amy’s sides and cupped her face. A few moments later they broke apart, resting their foreheads together, both gasping for air.

  “Oh God. I get so hot when you kiss me like that,” Amy breathed.

  “Me too.” Laura pulled back further. She shook her head to try and get her brain her to work properly. “Are you free for coffee tomorrow? You can bring Aaron if you like.” She watched as Amy tried to focus her eyes.

  “It’ll just be me. Dad is taking him fishing I think.”

  “Okay. One o’clock at Betty’s?”

  “Perfect. See you tomorrow.”

  “I look forward to it.” Laura watched as Amy wobbled on unsteady legs to the front door. She wasn’t sure if it was from the wine Amy had consumed or her kisses. Judging by how unsteady her own legs felt, she chalked it up to the latter.

  Chapter Thirteen

  A little after one o’clock the next day, Laura found herself sitting in the quaint cafe not far from the sea front waiting for Amy. A pleasant buzz ran through her body in anticipation of seeing her again. Last night had been perfect and the memory of holding Amy in her arms as they danced kept her awake long into the night. Her mind drifted thinking of the whole evening until Amy’s voice startled her back to the present.

  “Hi,” Amy said as she slid into the chair opposite Laura. She had on tight jeans and a scoop neck blouse which showed off her throat. “Have you been waiting long?”

  “About five minutes,” Laura replied, trying not to let her gaze linger too long at the hint of cleavage Amy displayed. “How did you sleep?”

  “Not great,” Amy said, shaking her head.

  “No?”

  “No, and you damn well know why.” She grinned, and Laura watched as a light pink dusted her cheeks. “You worked me up so much with that kiss that I tossed and turned for hours.”

  Laura smiled knowingly. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, my night wasn’t that great either.”

  “Good.”

  They stared at each other for a few moments, both smiling softly at the other. Laura was the first to break eye contact. She could spend all day just looking at Amy, she was beautiful. She was enthralled with her and every fiber of her being seemed to pull toward her. She ran a shaky hand through her hair. “I’ll get the coffee.” She stood. “Latte and a muffin?” she asked, remembering that was what Amy had ordered the first time they had met for coffee.

  “Please.”

  A few minutes later she placed a tray on the table and passed her a raspberry muffin and coffee and set her own croissant and tea in front of herself. “Here you go.”

  “Thank you,” Amy said then took a sip of her drink. “So, I was thinking—”

  “Amy? Is that you?”

  Laura glanced up seeing a very attractive honey blonde woman standing next to the table, her gaze fixed firmly on Amy. Her skin was flawless, and her blue eyes were piercing and sparkled. Laura glanced back to Amy who had the deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes.

  “Jessica.” Amy said, finally looking up at the woman next to them. “What are you doing here?”

  Even to Laura’s ears the question came out as harsh and accusatory. Whatever the history between these two it obviously wasn’t a good one.

  “My visa expired so I thought I’d come back and check up on Mum.” Jessica briefly touched Amy’s shoulder and Laura could swear Amy flinched at the contact. “I was hoping to run into you,” Jessica continued. “How’s Aaron?”

  “He’s good. Growing really fast.”

  “I’d love it if I could see him while I’m here.”

  “I’m sure he would as well. We can arrange something with Diana when we’re all free.”

  The tension between the two women was palpable and Laura felt herself shrink in on herself, not wanting to interrupt this awkward meeting. Whoever this Jessica was, Amy wasn’t happy to see her.

  “Okay,” Jessica said. “I, um, better get going. It’s great to see you. You look well.”

  “Thanks,” came Amy’s flat reply.

  “Maybe we could catch up too?” Jessica asked, her brows raised in hopefulness.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Come on.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Good enough. I gotta run. Talk to my mother.”

  “I will.”

  Laura watched the interloper walk away and out the door. Glancing back to Amy she noted her death grip on her mug and her gaze staring off into the distance. Laura cleared her throat. “Who was that?” she asked quietly.

  “Hmm?”

  Laura reached across the table, placing her hand on Amy’s tight grip clutching the cup. “Amy, you’re as white as a sheet. What’s going on?” She had never seen her look so lost before. Whoever that woman was, Amy clearly wasn’t pleased to see her. Eventually Amy loosened her grip and entwined her fingers with Laura’s

  “That was Jessica. Julia’s sister. Her twin sister,” she finished, regret in her eyes.

  Laura felt her brows pinch. “Identical?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “She’s beautiful.” A wave of jealousy rolled through Laura. Something had obviously transpired between them and Laura couldn’t help feeling dowdy in comparison. She wasn’t naive, she knew she was good looking, but not classically beautiful like Jessica was, or apparently Julia.

  “So was Julia, the only difference between
them is Julia had longer hair.”

  Finding her voice, she said, “I sensed tension between you. Did something happen?”

  Amy shook her head. “Yeah it did. I made a total dick out of myself.”

  Laura’s eyes went wide as Amy stood quickly from the table and rushed out of the cafe before she could even blink. After a second of her brain trying to fathom what the hell was going on, she took off after her. She caught up with her striding along the pathway next to the beach edge.

  “Amy wait!” She grabbed her arm, slowing her down. “Tell me what happened.”

  “You don’t want to know,” Amy said angrily, shaking Laura’s hand from her.

  “Yes, I do,” she pleaded. “Please.” For a few moments Amy just stared at her and Laura could see her trembling.

  “Fine. Let’s sit on that bench.” She pointed to a bench a few feet away. Laura followed as Amy turned and walked away. After settling next to her, Amy began her story. “About six months after Julia died, I was a mess. I couldn’t cope with anything. Jessie would try and talk to me, but I would never see her. She looks exactly like Julia and every time I saw her it just brought Julia back to me and I couldn’t handle it.”

  Laura took Amy’s hand, hoping to give her the strength to continue, pleased when Amy didn’t pull away. She could only imagine how difficult it would be to see the face of your dead lover in her sister. “That must have been hard.”

  “Understatement. Anyway, one night, Aaron was staying at my parents place and I got blind drunk. I found myself knocking on Jessie’s door begging her to kiss me. I missed Julia so much and figured kissing Jessie would help bring her back. She wanted to, I know she did. She always had a crush on me and I played that to my advantage. I practically jumped on her and shoved my tongue down her throat. We ended up on the couch. I tore her shirt off, intent on sleeping with her, and it was then I noticed the tattoo on Jessie’s chest. She has a little ying and yan symbol on it. Through my drunk haze I knew she wasn’t Julia and I burst out sobbing.”

  Laura stared straight ahead, watching the gentle waves rush to shore and back out again. Thinking of Amy in so much pain back then broke her heart. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the rest but knew she had to. If she pulled away from Amy now it would forever be between them. She needed Amy to know she didn’t think less of her, that she hadn’t done anything wrong. Amy had been consumed with grief, she couldn’t be blamed for making a bad judgement call. “What happened next?” she asked.

  “She held me, promised everything would be okay, and that she’d always wait for me. I told her she was crazy, she wasn’t Julia. I hurt her bad that night. I got out of there as quick as I could, and I haven’t seen her since. She took a job in the States, as far away from me as possible.”

  Laura asked the one question she needed an answer to. “Did you, uh, do you have feelings for her?” It was very apparent Jessica had feelings for Amy and perhaps now she was back from America, Amy might want to be with her. If that was the case Laura didn’t know what she would do. She should be gallant and walk away, affording Amy the chance at being happy, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to. She wanted to fight for Amy. She wanted to be the one Amy loved.

  “Jessie was always like my sister. It’s Julia I love,” Amy whispered, tears shimmering in her eyes.

  “Right, of course.”

  Amy pulled her hand back from Laura’s, her voice emotionless. “Don’t make me feel guilty for still being in love with my wife.”

  “I’m not.” Was she?

  “You are.” Amy stood and turned around to glare at her, hands on her hips. The tears were now flowing down her cheeks. “If she hadn’t have died we’d still be together.”

  Laura stood too. “Don’t you think I know that?” she asked desperately. “And yet, here I am just hoping you could love me the way you love her.” She held her arms out to the sides and then let them fall hopelessly. She had foolishly thought they were moving in the right direction, that Amy had finally moved on from Julia, but she hadn’t, Amy was still just as much in love with Julia now than she was before she died. Who was Laura to try and change that?

  “I could never love you like I loved her,” Amy said. “No, I don’t mean that in a bad way.” She swiped her hand over her cheeks, brushing the tears away. “We were together for a very long time. She had my innocence, my joy in life. We had our whole lives ahead of us. We had a family and it was cruelly taken away from us. I could never love anyone like I loved her because I’m not the same person anymore.” Her voice softened, and she reached out to cup Laura’s cheek. “I could never give you all of me. I would have to keep something back for myself. I couldn’t survive it again.”

  Laura shook her head. She wanted all of Amy, not just bits and pieces. “Love doesn’t work that way. You can’t have reservations. Perhaps you’re not ready to move forward.” She backed up a step. “I should go.” She needed to get away from here, away from Amy, to go and hide and lick her wounds. Someplace she could start to build her walls back up.

  “Laura, please,” Amy begged. “Please don’t give up on me.”

  “You don’t get it do you? All my life I have wanted someone of my own. Someone to love who loves me back.” She shook her head, her own tears falling now. “I can’t be your second choice. I’ve been a second choice before and it sucked,” she said, referring to her mother. She smiled sadly. “I’m falling in love with you and I fear you’re going to break my heart. She’s gone, Amy, but I’m still here.” She thumped her chest. “Why can’t I be enough?”

  They stared at each other, both breathing heavily from the emotional outpouring. Amy lowered her head and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve no need to be. I knew when I met you you still loved Julia. I was just stupid enough to think you could love me too. I need to get back to work.” Turning on her heel, she strode away, forcing herself not to race back to Amy and beg her to love her. It was true, she was falling in love with her and she had thought Amy was feeling the same. But one interruption from a woman from Amy’s past had blown apart the bubble she was in. However, it was better Laura found out now Amy would never be hers, instead of down the road when Laura wouldn’t be able to survive the loss.

  She settled into her car but didn’t start the engine. She gripped the wheel tightly, her chest rising and falling fast with every frustrated breath. She forced herself to hold the tears in. She wouldn’t let this destroy her. She had an office full of work she could do to get her mind off Amy and the lost opportunity of a family of her own. Determined to put Amy far from her mind, she started the car and headed toward her office.

  #

  Amy watched Laura walking away until she rounded a bend and was out of sight. Today now officially sucked. What had started out as a new beginning for Amy turned into one of the worst days possible. Last night at the party had been magical. It had been so wonderful to go out for the evening and enjoy being with a woman again. It had been too long since she had last been out on a proper date and the evening had ended with the whispered promise of good things to come. Amy had finally let down her guard and allowed Laura to find her way into her heart. Amy thought she would never be able to do that again after Julia, but Laura had proved her wrong. She was once again looking forward to her future and feeling wistful about the life she could have with Aaron and Laura. How could five minutes of talking to Jessica ruin all that?

  Amy stuffed her hands into her pockets and slowly wended her way back to her car, thinking about what had happened. Seeing Jessica again after all this time still gave her the same instant recognition of Julia, and again, the same punch in the gut came when she realised it wasn’t her. It wasn’t Jessica’s fault, she couldn’t help how she looked, but for Amy, Jessica would always remind her of her wife. And that was why she was glad when Jessica moved away. Not having to see her all the time helped lessen the pain of not having Julia anymore. Kissing Jessica had been a terrible mistake, one she was ashamed of, especiall
y knowing Jessica had feelings for her. She hoped they could move past it.

  Amy reached her car and got inside. She wanted to go after Laura, to try and explain how she was feeling, but how could she? She barely understood it herself. Laura had looked so heart broken when Amy had said she could never love her like Julia. It was the truth though, she couldn’t. Julia was one of kind, despite being a twin, and no one would ever match up to the amazing woman she had been. She started the car and drove to the cemetery, needing to be close to Julia. Fifteen minutes later she was sitting on the grass in front of her head stone.

  “Hi, honey. I guess you know your sister is home. The shock of seeing her still hurts. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I hope it does. I want Aaron to know his aunt.” Amy wiped at a tear as it rolled down her cheek, thoughts of Laura swirling in her mind. “I’ve really messed up, Jules. I was falling for her, and now she’s gone. What am I going to do?” She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, letting the afternoon sun warm her skin. A sudden thought hit her. Julia was one of a kind, but so was Laura, with her throaty laugh and gorgeous eyes. The tender and playful way she was with Aaron. Amy had a chance at happiness and she wanted to take that chance with her. She probably couldn’t love Laura the same as Julia but that was okay, she wanted to love Laura in her own way, the way Laura deserved. Laura shouldn’t be a second choice, Laura was right about that, Amy just needed to find a way to show her she wasn’t second best.

  She opened her eyes and looked at Julia’s name on the headstone. “I don’t think I can come back here for a while, Julia. I need a chance to be happy again and I can’t do that if I’m carrying around your ghost.” More tears fell as she spoke. “You know I love you, and I always will, but someone else has to come first. I need to give Laura and I a chance because I’m falling in love with her.” She stood from the ground and laid a hand on the cold stone. “I’m sorry, love. Goodbye.” Amy bent at the waist and kissed the cold concrete of the head stone. She blinked back the rest of her tears as she headed to the carpark without looking back. She felt her spirits lift the farther she got from Julia’s resting place. She hadn’t realised how much she still clung to the essence of her wife. Her love and grief had sustained her all these years, but she needed to let her go. Amy realised she wanted Laura, had always wanted her since they had both met here for the first time over nine months ago.