by Emily Wilson
His heart breaks for his brother. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get there sooner. When I saw you laying there, I thought the worst. Every time I tried to get close to you someone blocked me off.”
“I know. I know you'd have gotten to me sooner, but it wouldn't have made a difference. Stupid Tactare took my leg clean off, it's not like you could’ve reattached it. Just hurt so faeching bad I couldn't even try to get up.” He frowns down at the makeshift prosthetic Aleon put together for him and then actually smiles. “Bet this is gonna get me laid a lot though.”
Kato laughs at that so hard he feels like he’s going insane, but he has to turn and steer them away from the pyre. “People are mourning, shadowhead! Don’t make me laugh!”
“Sorry, you looked miserable, and I have terrible coping mechanisms. It's part of my charm.” He grins, ruffling Kato’s hair — but the gesture sends him off-balance, and he nearly rips Kato's shirt trying to stay upright. “Sweet shadows, I'm gonna have to learn how to move again.”
“You won’t get laid if you fall all day.” Kato wraps an arm around his back and starts toward the mountain. “Actually, that isn’t true, there’s a man looking at you right now that seems to want to have victory sex. Should I tell him no one won here?”
Teagon grimaces but offers a wave to the guy in question. “Yeah, maybe I'll get him once I can be a little more sure neither of us will burst into tears in the middle of it. It's not exactly a dealbreaker for me, but... this seems more important.”
“I don’t know. I’m sure I would too, but I still want it. It’s confusing.”
“It's the adrenaline,” Teagon explains. “It happens, don't sweat it. It'll go away once you start smelling what's coming off of those pyres, and if it doesn't... then you gotta start worrying.”
“Gross. Did you hit your head? Get in the faeching mountain before I heal your mouth shut.” Kato tugs him a little faster toward Aleon. “Get your brother.”
“He’s your brother too,” Aleon retorts, limping over. “My foot hurts.”
Teagon blinks, every inch of him oozing offense. “Shame, Ale. Shame.” He smacks him across the face and then kicks him with the prosthetic, but neither were hard enough to hurt and all kicking him does is dislodge his makeshift leg and send it clattering to the ground.
“That's what you get, Teag. You're a child, and now I'm taking this.” Aleon picks up his leg and slings it up against his shoulder, slowly backstepping toward the door to the mountain. “Come get it.”
“Ale!” Kato lets go of Teagon to rush after his other brother for the leg, but Teagon goes crashing to the floor with Kato no longer holding him up. “Shadows!” Both brothers rush back to help him up and get the prosthetic back on, but instead of anger, all Kato feels off Teag is contentment. “You like the attention, don’t you?”
“Can't possibly get enough of it,” Teagon says with a genuine grin. “This might be the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Aleon scowls and flicks Teagon in the forehead. “Great, now he's going to be extra insufferable.”
“He is.” Kato can’t fight the smile that appears on his face. It isn’t until he’s thanking Cettia that his brothers survived the battle that it hits him; all of his brothers didn’t survive.
Zero is dead.
His face falls, because regardless of how annoying that brother was, he was still his brother. “Ale... you got Teagon? I have something to do.”
“Yeah, of course.” He loops Teagon’s arm over his shoulder and smiles sadly at Kato before taking him inside, and Kato turns to walk back to the wreckage.
It doesn’t take long to reach Zero. He’s tossed aside like he was in life and no one bats an eye. Kato takes it as his responsibility and wraps his brother in some discarded cloth and kneels beside him. “It didn’t have to end like this, Zero. I would have been your brother if you’d let me. I hope you find peace in the After, regardless... maybe I’ll see you there.”
Azrian approaches and kneels next to him so quietly that Kato barely notices until his rough hand joins his own. “I'm so sorry, Kato.”
“Me too.” Kato takes another moment to say goodbye and then lifts him up onto the pyre.
Neginah walks over with a torch and hands it to him, letting him light the fire for his brother on his own, and then he instantly turns away. He doesn't want to be surrounded by death even a moment longer. He’s running before his brain even registers the movement, running as far away from the smoke as he can, and he darts into the mountain without a look back.
AZRIAN WATCHES KATO disappear and wraps his arms around himself. He's glad Kato listened for once in his life and went inside, but if he's being honest with himself, he wishes he would've stayed. There's so much left to do and he's just not sure he's got it in him to go it alone despite what he'd said when he was trying to be brave.
It takes too long to get the pyres completely ready and the bodies placed where they should be. Some of the Tactare and Terrare are already trying to repair the broken mountainside and aren't available to help, so a lot of this work is falling to the Caelim, Torenia, and the natural strength of Ronan, Erante and himself.
Even seeing Ronan out here makes Azrian's stomach churn, so he sends him inside before any of the other pyres are actually lit. He considers asking Cindreg to do the honors, but he has a feeling that her fire would get a little out of control and just make things worse, so he relies on torches and Peilar to get each one of them going.
Surprisingly, it takes the smell a little while to actually hit him. It seeps into his nose slowly, but once it's there, it becomes such an ever-present, unavoidable thing that he nearly considers asking Syphon if he can steal senses, too. But without that option, Azrian pushes forward, ignoring the flames as much as he can as he moves from pyre to pyre to offer a few pointless words of apology to each burning body.
To Alstro, he offers a whispered prayer for safe travels to the After. He didn't know the Regnum’s Sana well at all, but he seemed like a good man, and certainly one that didn't deserve to die at the hands of Syphon or anyone else. He deserved to live.
To Linaria, he offers more of the same. The Regnum’s Tactare was quiet but wise from what Azrian had known, and she'd fought hard to protect him and those he held dear, which is something he’ll never forget. She deserved to live.
To Guara, he sends up a prayer to Cettia and Osyn for forgiveness. He's not sure if he’ll ever know what caused her to take up Syphon’s cause and not the one of the Regnum that she oversaw, but he's not sure if her motivation matters much at all. The dead don't care about heart, but she still deserves peace in the After.
To Kareen, Pax and Loni, he offers forgiveness. An absolution from one of the many they'd harmed in their service to the Venandi, but likely just a drop in the ocean when it comes to their many crimes. Still, they deserve to move forward in freedom.
To Talitha, he doesn't offer words. The anger he feels for everything she'd put Kato through is still too strong, too fresh... but in his own way, he still wishes her well with whatever she's facing now. Those that guard the After will judge her more fully than he ever could. She deserves everything she gets.
To Zero — he's not sure what to say. His body is worse off now than the others since it took him so long to get here and it's hard to be close to him, but Zero deserves his time and attention just as much as the others. Part of him knows that all Zero ever sought was inclusivity, and his own dismissal of the man stings more than he thought it would. He offers a wish that he'll reunite with Neena in death. He deserves at least that much.
To Zinna, he sends all the gratitude and well-wishes that he can. For bringing Jasestros into the world and raising him to be the man he is, for not wavering in the face of fear, and above all else... for giving her life to a cause she didn't have to take up. She deserves the finest spot in the After.
He hugs Jasestros and Tague before moving on. He's not sure how long they'll stay near Zinna’s body, but something tells him that they
won't be coming inside until the embers themselves have died out. He can’t blame them and steps away slowly to give them time to grieve.
And lastly, to Cal — he can't seem to get his vocal cords to do much of anything but offer a broken sob. Cal shouldn’t even have been there; he should've been at home in Coldhallow, safe and sound with his family and friends... but instead, he's burning on a pile of splintered wood. There will never be an adequate apology for what they did to him. He deserves so, so much more than what this life — what they — have given him. “See you in the morning sun, Callisto,” Azrian whispers.
He swears he hears Cal answer. The impossibility of such a thing makes him turn away from him, from all nine burning pyres, from the stench that will never truly leave him. Neginah is standing just beyond the line of pyres looking as miserable as Azrian feels, and his feet carry him toward her before he can think better of it. “Are you okay?” he asks, realizing exactly how inadequate that question is.
“I hurt her,” she says with a broken voice. “I didn't kill her, but I hurt her. Jase, too.”
“It wasn't your fault.” Azrian knows his words don't do much, but he has a feeling that's a phrase he's going to be repeating quite a bit over the next few days, so now is as good a time as any to practice. “Guara had control of you. There was no way you could’ve—”
“I'm an Oculare,” she counters. “I'm supposed to be the greatest Oculare in all of Athoze, yet I didn't see any of this coming. Han did, he should be in the Regnum. Not me.”
Azrian glances over to where Hanigen is kneeling in front of Linaria’s pyre and tilts his head. He never saw them interact much, but the bow of his shoulders is one he's seen before. He cared for her... maybe in more ways than one. “I don’t think Hanigen would be fit for this job. He's not quite as diplomatic as you are, but I do think you should give him a bigger role. Listen to him more. Give him a voice. Things will change now with all these Regnum dead. You can make a difference.”
“She chose me because she knew I was weak,” Neginah says bitterly. “I should've known better than to fall prey to her. We go through training to become Regnum — tests, courses... we were taught to block Cogitare out of our minds. I should've been able to stop her.”
For a while, Azrian can't bring himself to deny that. If she'd truly been trained for this exact purpose, it stands to reason that she did fail, and she does share at least some of the blame — but he's met Guara, and the longer that he gazes out at the smoke filling the sky, the more he realizes that there's only one person to blame here. It's neither Guara nor Neginah. “She was an extremely powerful, extremely gifted Cogitare. Blocking out someone like Syphon who barely knew how to use his powers is one thing, but her? No one could've expected you to do that even under the best of circumstances, and that battle was a disaster. It seemed like every time I turned around, things were going wrong for us. And it wasn't supposed to get that bad... it was supposed to be an easy grab. None of us were prepared for a fight that size.”
She smiles sadly at him and folds her arms as if she's trying to hold herself together. “I appreciate the attempt, Azrian. But some ghosts are just... with us, no matter what anyone says.”
At her words, the air shifts around them until they're surrounded by the ethereal visions of those that came before. If he hadn't seen it so many times in the last day, it might frighten him — but now it just brings him comfort.
He doesn't recognize most of their faces, but Cal and Zinna and the rest of the ones they lost are there, smiling soundlessly and waving from wherever they are now. Azrian wants to speak, wants to repeat the words he said over their pyres — but nothing comes out but tears. He's filled with an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and sadness until he can't take it anymore and steps back from Neginah and her ghosts.
Every part of him wants to run to Kato and forget the fiery nightmare in front of him, but he holds his ground. He moves slowly between the pyres to check on those who are grieving and ensure that the quickly assembled structures don't fall apart and allow the flames to spread, but it ends up taking longer than he anticipated for the pyres to finally burn down to ash. When they do, he helps Jase, Tague and a seemingly healed Scaevol dispose of the ashes and repair the charred, broken ground until there's almost nothing left to suggest the horror that had happened at the foot of the mountain.
“You guys good?” he asks, exhaustion and smoke inhalation making his voice crack.
Jase nods solemnly and pulls Tague closer like he’s afraid to ever let him go again. “Yeah. Thanks for everything, Az. You didn’t have to stay here for all this.”
Yes I did, he thinks to himself. None of you would be here if it weren’t for me and Kato. “No one should have to face this alone. If you guys need anything, I’ll be curled up somewhere in Kato’s lap and I’m not sure I’ll ever be leaving.”
It doesn’t make either of them laugh like he hoped, but he supposes the heaviness in his tone during the delivery didn’t help at all. He makes one more round to check on Hanigen and the surviving Regnum that are still outside, then heads toward Axis and Nut. Thankfully, it seems like neither of them are hurt at all — he’s not sure if that’s Kato’s doing or if they truly managed to escape unscathed, but either way, he’s so happy to see them both alive and well that he even hugs Nut.
He offers to let them come inside with him, but Nut screeches like the very thought is offensive and Axis shakes his head, so Azrian pets them both again before finally forcing his feet to move toward the door inside the mountain. Even the walk to his room seems to take forever, but knowing that he’ll be with Kato soon helps him push through.
When he sits down on the bed, he drops his head to his hands. Not pulling his own hair out is a struggle — he doubts he’ll ever get the smell out and he's tempted to just shave it off and start over, but he doesn't want to think about how mad Kato would be.
He looks up when he feels Kato sit next to him. “We have to deal with him tomorrow, Jellycrai. We can't put it off anymore and this mountain — and your powers — can't hold him for long.”
His boyfriend nods, sliding his hand into Az’s and staring down at them. “I know, Azzy. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.” Kato meets his eyes, and the gold dwarfs the green just as it always had before. “Are you okay?”
“That's a silly question,” he says bluntly. “I think it's going to be a while before any of us are okay again, but Syphon’s execution will go a long way toward that.”
Kato slides down to his knees and lays his head in Azrian’s lap. “I was so worried about you. If something would have happened to you—”
“I'm okay, Kato. I don't know how, but I'm okay. I think Dawnreaper had a bit more to do with it than I'd like to admit, honestly.” He plays with Kato’s hair and tips his head back. “I'm so ready for this to be over.”
For a while, they just breathe together, both slowly relaxing with each passing second. Az sees Kato’s eyes flutter closed and he can’t find it in him to wake him for several moments. Just as he touches the side of his face, Kato sits up with a confused expression. “Did you say execution?”
Azrian licks his lips slowly and nods. “Yeah. I mean, I get why you didn't do it right away, he's your brother. But Kato, we can't know for sure that Deadrun will hold him, and we’re in shambles over here. Half the Regnum are dead. We won't survive another attack.”
“He’s still my brother. Deadrun will hold him.” Kato pulls away from Azrian and stands, staring down at him in disbelief. “Are you really suggesting we kill him?”
This isn't a surprising turn of events for Azrian, but seeing Kato look at him like that hurts more than any injury he sustained during the battle. “Yes, Kato. I am. You might have had the luxury to run away from what happened out there, but can you smell me? The stench of the burning bodies of the people we love? Syphon did that. Syphon saw to it that we have to tell Blue and Bash that their big brother isn't ever coming back. That your big brother isn't ever coming back.”
>
The way Kato looks at him is as if Azrian slapped him. “Alright then, Az. Let’s just forget who we are.” The brute begins to pace, his hands tugging at his hair. “Guess you’re right. We faeching lose.”
“Forget who we are? Kato, nothing about this is who we are. We’re not warriors, I don't care how many swords Cettia hands me. We’re barely adults half the time — you laugh at Teagon’s fart jokes, for Cettia’s sake! But we took this responsibility on the day we decided to come here for help. All I'm trying to do is make sure he never hurts anyone else again.”
“He won’t. Because he will be in prison!” Kato argues. “Deny your fate all you want but Cettia chose you because you are a warrior. You would have given up a year ago if you weren’t.”
Azrian stands, and as much as he tries to stop it, he can feel the weight of that time period bubbling up. “I did give up a year ago, Kato! I did! All this time, I've just been fumbling around blindly because the gods think I’m faeching expendable! I don't want to be here. I don't want any of this, I never did! You're the hero here, not me.”
Kato looks completely taken aback and Azrian knows it’s a combination of him using a curse word and being called a hero. “Hero?” he whispers and falls to his knees again, this time in defeat. “I won’t burn another brother. I can’t. I faeching can’t, Azrian.”
“And that's what makes you such a giant, stupid hero,” Az mutters. He knows this particular argument isn't going to go his way, and part of him is glad for it. “My instinct is to eliminate the threat no matter what. Your instinct is mercy, and if you ask me... that's what makes you a hero.”
“I don’t want to be a hero. I just want people to stop dying. I just want peace... how can I fight for peace if we continue war?”
Azrian huffs. “If we knew the answer to that, we wouldn't be here, Jellycrai.” He helps him back onto the bed and leans against him, letting out a long, slow breath. “I trust you. If you want to imprison Syphon, then I’ll shut up about it. But I want you to know that it's not because I think Syphon deserves it — it's because I think you do.”
