by Tara Pammi
God, she should’ve had this with her mum. This outlet to let all her fears out, to sob through the crippling fear, to have the plain comfort of another person’s touch...there was nothing to be gained in hanging on to a relationship that only brought grief. “You’re right. I need to let her go. But I can’t do it overnight. I...just can’t.”
“I know, cara.” Arms tightening around her, his mouth warm against her temple, Leo just held her for a long time, his body a haven of tenderness. “Describe the attack to me.”
She took the rope he threw her with overflowing gratitude. Words came so easily then, piling on top of each other, as if they’d been waiting to be let out.
“I’d been working without a break for months. We were shooting a segment for my guest appearance in between my tour in Beijing. I’d barely eaten and I still hadn’t adjusted to the jet lag. When the lights came on, I froze for a few minutes. I...had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I could hear people calling my name, but it was like I was in a separate world.
“It felt like someone was cutting off my breath. I fell to my knees and stayed on the floor until it passed. I... It was exactly the wake-up call I needed.”
He held her like that for she didn’t know how long, and Neha stayed there. Long fingers clasped her cheek, fanning out in a caress. “For future reference, I would like for us to not have any more secrets, sì?
“Your health, your finances, your business—anything and everything that concerns you, your future, this baby, I want to know. I want you to come to me if you need help. If you need a sounding board. If you—”
Neha placed her finger on his mouth, smiling at the pure arrogance in his tone. “That’s a tall order. You can’t just order me to open my life up to you with a command.”
“I believe I just did.”
“It doesn’t work that way,” she said, fighting not him but her own weaknesses.
She wanted to feel the tensile strength of him beneath her fingers any time she reached for him; she wanted to escape the increasing rift between her and her mum in his arms every night. She wanted to ask him to hold her until all the destruction she had begun was done and she could see the light at the end of it and maybe even beyond. “You don’t want a woman completely dependent on you, Leo.”
“Do not tell me what I want or do not want, cara mia. You shouldn’t be under any pressure. Dealing with Mario and your mother is enough to begin with.”
“But—”
“Learn to ask for help. Learn to take it when I give it.”
Neha nodded slowly, knowing in her heart that he was right. She hadn’t even conceived yet—she had resolutely kept away from the dozen or so pregnancy kits she’d stashed in the cupboard under her bathroom sink—and already she was on an emotional seesaw from morning to evening.
She looked down at her hands and then back at Leo. “I’ve spent years making myself self-sufficient. I can’t undo it in a few days.”
A nod of concession. “Tell me one of these things you outlined for us.”
Neha pulled the laptop forward on the coffee table and pointed to the browser. “I’m going to put the flat up for sale soon.”
Leo didn’t even look at the browser. “Why? Its value is only going to go up.”
“I’ve been doing my finances, and retirement means my income’s going to be fluctuating in the near future. Also, I don’t want to raise the baby in a flat. And since I have plans to experiment with some new recipes and start a baking school, I figured it would be a good thing if I buy land and have a house and an industrial-size kitchen custom-built. All that’s going to need a lot of capital—”
“If you raise the child outside of London, I’ll barely be able to see him or her.”
The vehemence of his tone took Neha aback. “I understand that but—”
“Move closer to me. Whatever property you want or capital you need, I’ll provide it. Keep the flat.”
“That’s not a good idea. Everything will get too complicated then and—”
He stood up so suddenly that Neha lost track of what she was saying.
“I made it very clear that I won’t play the role of a stud that provides you with genetic material. This is a partnership and you have to start treating it as such.”
Neha had never seen that hardness directed at her before.
Her guarded nature, her fears that she’d want more and more, would always come between her and the future she could have with him. And she was sick of living in that fear. She wanted to take more than one step toward him. She wanted to carve a place for herself by his side; it was all she’d been able to think of this past week.
She went to him and took his hand in hers. “It’s not my first instinct to ask you for help or even accept it when you offer it but I’m learning to navigate my way through this. I’m learning to find a way to you. Uprooting my entire life, however, just so you can be near—”
“You began uprooting your life before I came into the picture, cara. Do you truly have such a full life in London that you can’t turn your back on? We can’t move forward with our lives with you determined to keep all the lines, Neha.”
Neha smiled at the impatience peeking into his tone.
She didn’t want to be alone anymore.
She’d need him more and more in the coming months, especially because she wanted his advice on some of the legalese around her retirement and IP associated with So Sweet Inc. And because her growing hormones would only make her more susceptible to another attack. She couldn’t forget that stress could always make her anxiety worse.
He’d already more than proved that she could count on him, that he’d be there for anything she needed. And yet to uproot her life in London and move to Italy on the strength of his words sent her heart palpitating. To see him with another woman down the line, when they called their own affair off, God, the emotional stress of that would be too much...
“What happens when there’s another woman in your life? Can you imagine how awkward it will get with me trying to cling to the fringes of your life? I don’t want to presume a place in your life—for me or for the child—and then be made to feel that I took more than was mine. I couldn’t bear to—”
Leo placed his finger on Neha’s lips, cutting off her rambling protest.
“No woman will come before you as my child’s mother. I give you my word on that.”
“It’s not possible, even for you, to predict the future. You might fall for another woman, you might get bored of being a parent, you might want to escape with a—”
He pulled her to him by her shoulders, needing to feel her soft body against his. “None of these scenarios will happen because we will marry as soon as possible.”
“What?” She stepped back, her frame radiating emotion. “Marriage is not a small thing you decide on on impulse, Leo,” she said, mirroring his own words.
“It’s not an impulse. I’ve been thinking about it for more than a week.”
“But...why?”
“Think on it, cara. What we have between us—respect, admiration, an attraction that’s not going anywhere soon and clear expectations of each other...it’s more than most marriages have. We share the common goal of doing everything right by our child. Why not just make it official, then? Why these arguments over logistics when a simple, convenient solution is right in front of us?
“Both of us are too wise to get embroiled in love and all that entails. Instead, we can build something even better.”
“But what will it mean between us?”
“It means fidelity and respect. It means we’ll build a family, cara. Isn’t that why you started this?”
Her brown eyes flashed with an emotion he couldn’t recognize. “I have to think on this. Will you give me time?”
Leo nodded. He wanted her acceptance more than anything he’d ever wanted in
life before.
For now, he decided to be satisfied by the lack of her objection. And really, she was a sensible woman and he hadn’t expected her to jump with joy. He knew she would weigh every pro and con just like he’d done. And she would come to the conclusion that they were a perfect fit, just as he’d done.
However, he’d never been one to leave things to chance, either.
He reached for her from behind and drew her into his body. She smelled like the most decadent treat, her body warm and curvy and so soft against his. He shuddered at the press of her buttocks against his front. He caught his hips from thrusting into that behind with the last inch of his control.
Dio, the day she discovered the power she could wield over him with that sexy body of hers...
She didn’t stiffen or pull away. Leo leaned his chin on her shoulder, his palms settling on the almost flat curve of her belly. The very idea that she might already be carrying his child filled him with a joy he had never known.
Mine, a part of him wanted to growl. All mine. It felt as if a part that had been missing from his life for so long had finally settled into place.
He pushed away the silky curtain of her hair and rubbed his stubble against her soft cheek. Sent his fingers questing up the dips and valleys of her curves until they rested right beneath her breasts. “While you decide whether you want to accept my proposal or not, there’s no rule that says we can’t indulge ourselves, is there?”
He couldn’t see if she smiled or not, couldn’t see if those gorgeous brown eyes had flashed with want that she had boldly shown him that night. But he felt the rise and fall of those gorgeous breasts, felt the tremor that shook her luscious body. He trailed soft, slow kisses along the line of her jaw.
She pressed her behind into him, and he hissed at the tight groove he nestled against. “I want to be inside you, cara mia. Desperately. In every way possible. And it has nothing to do with business empires, or twisted revenge schemes, or even conception.
“Just you and me and what’s been there between us for so long. Say yes to this at least, carissima.”
Her whispered, “Yes,” was barely out before Leo clasped her chin and took her mouth in a kiss that told her he had no doubts about their future.
CHAPTER TEN
SLEEPING WITH A man wrapped around her—a mansion of a man at that—was a sensual feast Neha would never get enough of. As dawn filtered orange light through the windows, her entire body ached with the good kind of soreness; a lethargic sense of well-being, like honey, filled her limbs. They’d spent most of the last two days in bed—after almost a decade of wanting each other, getting the edge off took a long while.
While the attraction between them still amazed with its intensity, Neha was also aware that Leo was very systematically seducing her into accepting his proposal.
The space he created around them was like a cocoon of warmth and laughter and security and thrill. To reach for him in the middle of the night and find solid, dependable, utterly masculine Leo at the tips of her fingers—whether she wanted comfort or closeness or this mind-bending physical intimacy that was so good between them—it was a potent, addictive feeling.
With Leo there would never be a doubt that he had her best interests at heart.
She would always know exactly where she stood. There was a such a sense of security in that and a sense of freedom, too, especially after the minefield of emotional dependence she’d been navigating with her mum for so many years.
A real family with Leo was more than she’d ever even conjured in her wildest dreams. So why was she hesitating so much?
Why did her heart stutter when he outlined all the rationale as to why they’d be a good fit? Why did doubts engulf her when she was away from him?
Was there still some naive part of her that hoped for the happiness that her parents had shared once? For all the pain her papa’s long illness had caused them, she was sure her mum wouldn’t trade the number of joy-filled, loving years they’d had together.
If she went into this with Leo, that naive part had no place in her life. She could never hope for more for this relationship than what they had now. And there was something very heartbreaking about that.
She reached out with her hand and found the other side of the bed empty. Burying her face in the pillow, she breathed in the scent of the man who consumed her thoughts to distraction.
She pushed up on the bed just as Leo walked back into the room, his hair gleaming black from the shower, already dressed sharply in black trousers and a neatly pressed white shirt that made him look painfully gorgeous.
His gaze took in her bare torso, and the heat in his eyes stopped her fingers from pulling up the duvet to cover herself.
Any awkwardness Neha would have felt over being naked with a man she’d admired for so many years, a man she’d always told herself wasn’t for her in that way, had disappeared after Leo had pushed her to new realms of pleasure with his carnal demands.
Sitting on her sofa with her bum pulled up to the edge and her legs splayed open in shameless abandon, while Leo on his knees pushed her over the edge with his mouth and tongue and fingers, left no place for awkwardness.
Having sex on the rug in front of a cozy fireplace on her hands and knees, his powerful body thrusting into hers while she urged him on to go deeper and faster, dissolved any self-consciousness.
Being taken care of afterward with tender, apologetic words in lilting Italian, masterful hands wielding a washcloth with tender care she couldn’t ever have imagined him to possess, did away with lingering doubts.
Laughing about the rug burn on her knees and being fed crisp grapes and apple pieces by a half-naked giant of a man removed every rational defense and argument against not doing this for the rest of her life.
“Buongiorno, cara,” he said in a voice that sent ripples down her skin, even though his blue eyes seemed alert, almost distant.
“Hey,” she said, nothing more coherent rising to her lips. “You’re already dressed.”
“I had the chauffeur bring me some of my stuff. I have to catch a flight to Bali. Sorry if I disturbed your sleep.”
“Is the honeymoon already over?” she teased in reaction to his curt tone.
“It wouldn’t have to be if you agreed to just move into the villa immediately.” A pithy curse followed the sharp retort. “The last thing I need right now is to worry about what Mario will do to you while I’m on the other side of the world.”
“Stop treating me as if I were another obligation.”
“What do you think the future we’re building together means, cara? I’m obligated to worry about you, and you’re obligated to stop being your old stubborn self and make things easier on both of us.”
“You know it’s not that simple,” she said, sticking to her guns about not moving to Italy for a couple more months. Her fingers finally found the loose T-shirt she’d discarded only a few hours ago and she pulled it on. “Is everything okay?” she asked, not liking the sudden distance between them. And yet wary of trespassing where she wasn’t wanted.
“Nothing that I can’t handle,” he said, turning away from her. “But I would sleep better while I’m gone if we make the announcement official. If you refuse to move there, I’d have to simply ask Massimo or Nat to keep you company while I’m gone.”
“That’s not necessary,” she added, trying to understand that behind his high-handedness he was worried for her. That he had felt her fear when she’d described the panic attack.
“What’s not necessary, cara? The announcement or the engagement itself?” he said in a rising voice that reverberated around them.
The tight set of his shoulders chipped away at her own rising frustration. She wanted to spend her life with him building the family they both wanted; she knew he would never hurt her...so why was she still punishing them both with her stubbornness?
Once upon a time, marriage and a husband and real, messy love were all she’d wanted. But Leo would never offer that. Did that make everything else less real?
Neha went to him and wrapped her arms around his wide frame and pressed her cheek into his back. Uncaring that she was mussing him up. She was slowly realizing she didn’t want the perfect, larger than life, arrogant Leonardo that had dazzled her back then. She wanted the real man beneath that—the man that was determined to do the right thing despite the odds, the man who fought every inch of himself he gave. She shouldn’t, but Lord help her, she did.
“You insist this is a partnership and yet, when it comes to your personal matters, you push me away. You don’t share what’s going on with you, you...you keep those boundaries around you so very tight, Leo.” Her heart ached at how alone he always seemed, at how much burden he carried on his shoulders. “What is the point of getting married if you won’t even share what’s on your mind? If you’re determined to keep me in the same box after all these years. Talk to me. Please. Share your burden, if nothing else.”
“I’m not used to it.”
She smiled into his back. “I’m not used to a giant of a man ordering me about in my own flat. But then I remind myself of what the giant can do with his crafty fingers and how he holds me when my mum’s breaking my heart and how he finds ways to let me know I’m not alone anymore and I go...okay, I can compromise.
“I can let go of stupid, girlie dreams and reach for what’s real. I can have an imperfect but real future instead of fluffy, romantic fantasies.
“I want you to be my husband. I want to make a promise to you that I’m committed to the life we build together. Watching my parents together all those years ago, marriage is the most honorable thing for me. If I make that promise to you, if I agree to be your wife, I take everything that comes with it very seriously.
“We’ve been good friends, lovers, we trust each other, but being a husband and wife...there’s something about that holy bond that changes everything. I want to be the best wife I can be, Leo,” she said, trying to articulate some of her fears into words. “But I can’t if you shut me out at every turn.”
