by E. J. Noyes
Right away, I knew where this conversation was headed. “It’s not a rumor,” I said, stretching my legs to keep up as we strode down the hall. “I served for almost two decades. I’ve been out for two years.”
She glanced sideways at me. “And you enjoyed it?”
“Very much so. It’s not without challenges, but it’s extremely rewarding.” I looked up at her and smiled. “Let me guess. Your son has a desire to join one of the Armed Forces.”
She pulled a face. “Got it in one.”
“What exactly would you like to talk about? Are you unhappy with his decision?”
“Unhappy, proud, terrified, elated.” Vanessa shrugged, smiling sheepishly. “The usual mom emotions whenever they say they’re going to do something life-changing or dangerous.”
“I can imagine that must be a difficult part of parenting.”
Both her eyebrows rose. “You don’t have kids?”
“No, I’ve never felt inclined.” Thankfully, neither did Sabine. Gently, I directed the conversation back. “Are you worried he won’t be able to cope, or are you worried he’ll love it?”
“Honestly? A little of both. Rebecca, he’s an idealist and I want him to get some feedback from someone who knows how things work, without being bombarded by all the serving and sacrificing-for-your-country rhetoric.”
“Of course, I—” My phone vibrated with a text alert. “Excuse me.” I glanced at the message. Not Sabine, but Jana asking if we wanted more bags of coffee. Pushing my disappointment and concern aside, I dropped the phone back into my pocket. “My experience was limited by the parameters of my job. There’s enough horror behind the wire, but I was never out there fighting.” I cleared my throat. “Still, we had some uncomfortably close calls.” Surgical units were targets, and over the years there had been a number of attacks where I’d been stationed.
“I’m just worried he hasn’t thought it through,” Vanessa admitted.
“It’s a great honor to do your duty for your country, but it isn’t for everyone. And there’s no shame in that. The military is an institution, a lifestyle, a family and it can be your best friend or your worst enemy. But it teaches you things you never forget, and skills you will always use.”
“That part, I like,” she mused. “It’s the danger part that worries me.”
“Understandable. I’d be more than happy to talk to him and give him an overview of how it works, and what he might expect.”
She grasped my forearm, pulling me to a stop. “Would you? I’d be incredibly grateful. I’ll speak with him and get back to you? Perhaps we could take you to dinner for your trouble.”
“Absolutely. I’d like that.” After a pause, I added, “What exactly are you hoping I’ll say? Do you want him discouraged, or…” I let the question hang.
She seemed surprised I’d even suggested it. “Oh no, of course not. I’d never do that. It’s his life but I just want him as informed as possible about what he’s getting into.”
“Well, I can certainly do that.”
We’d reached the doors of the trauma ICU and she turned to face me, one hand on the swinging door. “Can I ask what level you were when you left?”
“My rank? Lieutenant Colonel. Another few years and I’d likely have made Colonel.”
Two perfectly-shaped eyebrows arched skyward. “That’s fairly high? A leadership type role?”
I made a noncommittal gesture. “Somewhere in the middle. And yes, it is.”
“You must really love administration.”
“Actually, I do.” There was something deeply satisfying about doing the work needed to keep the machine running. Add to that the mother-hen streak that made me want to nurture and support those under me and I was in my element when balancing surgery with leading a group.
“Mmm, better you than me. Running a level-one trauma department is my idea of hell. I don’t know how you do it.” She paused, then asked quietly, “If the Army is all these wonderful things, why did you leave?”
Tilting my head, I said honestly, “I came to realize that some things are more important to me than a job.”
She smiled knowingly and pushed through the door. I stood still for half a minute, mentally setting aside everything but the current necessities. I’d honed the technique early in my Army life, finding it the best way to deal with stress. Despite my best attempt to clear my mind, thoughts of Sabine snuck in. She’d always existed alongside everything else. She was the one thing in my life that refused to be sidelined.
I checked my phone one more time, knowing even as I did it that there would be nothing. Unable to help myself, I thumbed a quick text.
Hope everything’s going okay. Love you, see you at home.
* * *
By the time I’d finished work almost four hours later, Sabine had responded to my text with a brief apology and explanation that she’d been caught up. With what, she didn’t say. I arrived home just before she did and was immediately conscious of how off balance she was. And I knew the reason. She was uncomfortable and trying to push the feeling aside. My assumption was that her discomfort had something to do with whatever had kept her busy at work.
She was practically attached to me—following me around the house, even sitting on the closed toilet lid while I showered. And she talked. Endlessly. It wasn’t a real conversation, mostly just her rambling. I agreed with her statements, answered her questions and prompted here and there for no other reason than I wanted to listen to her wonderful stream of thought. And…because the more she talked, the more likely it would be that she’d eventually arrive at whatever was bothering her.
Her inane chattering continued through dinner, as we cleaned up and then when we settled on the couch. “What do you want to watch?” I asked as I stretched across her for the remote.
Sabine shrugged. “Nothing heavy, I’m kind of brain dead after seeing Pace again today.”
Ah. Clue number one. “How about a movie? Trashy reality show?”
She paused, the silence sitting heavily between us until eventually, she shook her head, slow and certain. “Neither.”
I set the remote on our heavy wooden coffee table. “Okay, well what do you want, darling?”
She smiled, then it flickered like a dying light bulb. Her expression told me she was having an internal debate and for a moment I wondered what about, and which side was winning. After a deep inhalation she said quietly, “I just…want you, Bec.” Sabine grasped my forearm to pull me close, then tugged my thigh, until I was so off balance I had no choice but to straddle her.
Finally, after hours of talking, she was quiet. Her hands slid down over my ass, pulling me forward, and I could feel her heart beating against my breasts, her pulse quick but steady. My stomach fluttered, and my own pulse made itself known in my groin, deep and needy. Celibate for close to a year, teased for days, I was about ready to burst. The way she kept rocking me back and forth in her lap wasn’t helping.
Sabine studied me in that way she had when she didn’t know how to put words to thoughts. Then she whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m just so confused.”
It was increasingly hard to concentrate, the way each movement pressed me against her, and I wondered if she even realized she was doing it. I forced the sensation away long enough to ask, “About what, Sabine?”
“About this. Us. Sex.” In the dim light, her eyes were so dark the pupils were barely visible. “I want to make love with you, but I’m scared. Something feels weird.”
“I thought so,” I murmured. Clamping my knees around her hips made her cease her tantalizing movement. “About what exactly? Will you talk to me?”
It took her a little while to answer, and I gently stroked the back of her neck until she admitted, “I’m scared you might feel differently about me.” After a long breath she added, “And I’m scared of hurting you.”
The relief of having her respond without evasion, of having her look inside herself and offer me something about her feelings was so acute t
hat I had to blink away tears. I took her face in my hands, forced her to focus on me. “I feel exactly the same way I always have about you, Sabine. I love you. You won’t hurt me, how could you?”
She scrunched her eyes closed, as though hiding from her own admissions. “Because I want you so badly, and it’s been so long that I might forget myself. I don’t want to be too rough, Bec.”
“Oh, darling, you won’t ever do anything I don’t want.” I kissed her forehead, her closed eyelids. “And besides, what’s wrong with a little rough sex? It’s not like we’ve never done that before.”
“Mmm,” she agreed, but she didn’t sound entirely convinced. Her eyes fluttered open.
“Do you remember our six-month anniversary? That little mountain place in Banff where we stayed inside and just made love for days. Those toys you’d bought…” The memory sent a shudder down my spine. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed her by dredging up memories of previous lovemaking, but I was selfish and greedy for her. I couldn’t help myself. I’d never been able to help myself when it came to Sabine.
The change came over her immediately. She swallowed hard, her hands tightening on my ass. The coiling in her muscles, the unconscious way she pulled me closer and lifted her hips to meet me were achingly familiar. I kissed her lightly, teasing my tongue along her lower lip. “And that time we were driving home from the movies and you touched me the whole way? Then you stopped in the corner of that empty parking lot and dragged me onto your lap, pulled my dress up and took me hard and deep until I came all over your hand.”
Trying to excite her with memories had me even more excited and I let myself go, relaxing my knees and rocking forward to press against her again, enjoying the jolt of pleasure it sent through my body. Licking her neck, I tasted the sheen of sweat misting her skin and couldn’t help but think of other tastes. I bit her lightly. “I want all of it, baby, just the way I always have.”
Her breath caught. Without a word, Sabine twisted us sideways, dropped me down onto the couch and lay on top of me. I arched my body up, trying to make contact with as much of her as I could, loving the familiar weight of her. Sabine’s mouth was hard against my lips, almost bruising and I let her in, stroking her tongue with mine, welcoming the desire and urgency in her kiss. After the lightest nip at my lower lip, she kissed her way down my neck, licking and sucking until she reached my collarbone. She sucked the skin just above my breast, groaning that low needy sound which made my pulse quicken further.
Sabine lifted herself off me, kneeling up enough that she could yank off her tee. She pulled at the string of my sweats, tugging them down and tossing them aside. My underwear followed quickly. We were both clumsy, fingers catching in fabric and on buttons as we tried to remove the barriers keeping our skin apart. I sat up, removing my shirt while she wiggled out of her jeans.
I slipped both hands around the back of her neck. “Come here,” I murmured, pulling her down to me again. Our legs intertwined with thighs pressed hard against each other’s sex, and when I lifted my leg, increasing pressure, she began to slide up and down. As she rocked against me, I could feel the evidence of her arousal, knowing my own would be just as evident on her skin. The butterflies in my stomach went crazy.
She groaned again when I grabbed her ass and locked my leg around hers, pulling her closer and holding her in place against me. My nails raked along her back, and I knew she would have scratches when I was done with her. When she was frantic like this, she always wanted a little pain. I pulled away to suck at her neck and bite her shoulder just hard enough that I felt the muscle tense, and then I soothed the bite with my tongue.
Sabine’s hand slid down, lingering on my breast to pinch my nipple before it trailed over my belly and slipped between us. I couldn’t help but bite her again when her fingers made contact then skittered away again. “Sabine, please.” I was almost incoherent with need. “Right there, baby, please.”
“You’re so hot. So wet,” she breathed, teasing me with the lightest, laziest circles over my clit. “Maybe we should go up to bed…”
Writhing underneath her fingers, I bucked against her to get more friction, something, anything. But she began to pull away. Some distant part of me recognized that she was doing it to tease and build my climax, rather than because she was afraid of what might happen. But the reason didn’t matter, not now, not after so long. I needed her knowing, certain touch, and I needed it right now.
I grabbed her shoulders, trying to keep her close and she went still, holding her weight off me. My fingers fluttered over her shoulders, up her neck. “No, please don’t stop touching me. I’ve missed you so much.” My leg clamped harder around the back of her thigh, both of my hands tangled in her hair. I was almost sobbing with frustration. “Don’t tease me, not now. I need you so badly, I can’t stand it.” I was so far gone that I knew if she stopped, if she pulled away now, I would have to finish myself off. She would hate that…and so would I.
Abruptly, Sabine rolled off me, her momentum breaking the grip of my legs around hers. She dropped to her knees on the floor beside the couch. Hands grabbed my thighs and she yanked me forward so my legs fell off the couch. She was just those few inches taller than me and strong enough to shift me around. And I loved it. I loved her gentle dominance, the concentrated fierceness in her eyes when she quietly ordered me to open my legs and show her how much I wanted her to fuck me.
She touched the inside of my thighs, pushing my legs further apart. Her hands curled into loose fists against the top of my thighs and then opened again, as though she’d been hit with a sudden wave of indecision. “What do you want me to do, Bec?” she murmured, the slightest hint of hesitation still lacing her words.
I grasped the armrest with one hand, my other reaching for her. I wanted to tell her something crude to push away any lingering uncertainty and fuel her desire—that I wanted her to tongue fuck me, to finger me deep and hard, to take me from behind until I came around her tongue and fingers. Instead, my voice cracked when I told her, “I just want you to love me.”
“I do love you,” she whispered. “More than I could ever find words to tell you.”
“Then show me,” I urged. “Please.”
Sabine wasted no time, leaning forward to press her hipbone against my aching center. She pulled my leg up and hitched it around her waist, tilting me back to open me wide before her fingers found me again. But she didn’t take me. She teased and stroked, slicking fingers through my wetness to linger near my clit before they danced away.
When I tried to reach between us to thumb her small, tight nipple, she moved backward out of my reach. “Nuh-uh. I won’t be able to concentrate if you touch me.” Light kisses peppered my collarbone, my breasts. “I need this, Bec. Please just let me have you first.”
I nodded, swallowing thickly. Craning my neck, I watched Sabine’s tongue sweeping across my hard nipples, sucking and biting before moving down…down…down. I tugged softly on her hair as her tongue slid over my hipbone and down my thigh, tantalizingly close but still so far away. A deep, unconscious groan fell from my lips as her fingers slid into my heat.
Sabine withdrew and I groaned again, this time with frustration, clutching her wrist until she entered me again, curling her fingers forward. The fluttering pulse became a deep, insistent throb. She said something I couldn’t quite make out but the tone was one I recognized as self-chastisement, and in current context it made no sense. But when I opened my mouth to ask, she silenced me with a deep kiss and a deeper thrust.
She sucked my neck, a tiny center of pain to enhance each of her deep, measured strokes. With each one I rose up to meet her, my moans loud and unashamed as Sabine fucked me, pressing me back into the couch with her sweat-slick body against mine. It was so good, I almost felt I was coming apart. My limbs felt molten, my breasts full and heavy and I had to take them in my hands, kneading and stroking.
Sabine lifted herself slightly, and gently pushed one of my hands away to pinch my nipple. She d
ropped her head to the other breast and sucked my finger before her mouth closed around the other nipple. She bit and licked and I began to build, the heat scorching until I knew release was imminent. The moment I cried out, her thrusting ceased until I came down again without climaxing. I knew what she was doing, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating and I couldn’t help the strangled grunt that spilled from my lips.
Her hands and mouth stilled. “Bec?”
I opened my eyes, trying to focus through eyes hazy with pleasure and anticipation. I had to gasp and swallow before I could answer with a simple, “Yes?”
Those magic fingers began to dance inside me again. “I am going to show you how much I love you. How much I’ve missed you. How much I need you.” She dropped her head, licked her way down my stomach to my parted thighs, and took me in her mouth.
Chapter Seven
Sabine
I rolled a pair of jeans into a tight tube and placed them in my suitcase, perfectly parallel to the side. As I reached for the second pair, Bec’s voice floated up the stairs. “Sabine? Gavin’s Skyping you.”
“Can you answer it please?” As I jogged down the stairs, I could hear her talking and laughing with my friend before saying her goodbye. I jumped over the final two stairs and rushed toward the den.
Bec passed me in the doorway. “I’ll be in the garden.” She kissed me in passing, continued on her way, and I heard the soft click as she closed the back door. Whenever I had a call with Gavin, she always took herself somewhere she wouldn’t hear our conversation. I’d always assumed this separation was Bec’s way of letting me have what amounted to a therapy session without fear of having to filter myself. Every time she did that for me, the part of me that was full of love for her filled even more.
Gavin Elliot had contacted me in the months following my discharge from the Army Medical Center, and I’d almost ignored that first email message from an unknown sender. Until the subject “Transport Blue” and the last name Elliot triggered a memory.
