by E. J. Noyes
“Lucky you.” I bent to kiss the top of her head, and when I slung an arm around her shoulders Jana leaned into me.
She looked up, her head still pressed to my side. “Did I forget we had dinner tonight? Is Bec stuck at work?”
With a final brush of my hand over her hair, I pulled away and fumbled behind myself for a kitchen chair. “No, no dinner planned. Bec’s not coming. I just, I think I need to crash here for a little while. If that’s okay…” Dammit, almost got it out without losing my shit.
With deliberate care, Jana tapped some keys on her laptop, closed it and pushed it away. She leaned close and grasped both my hands in hers. “What’s going on, Sabs?”
“I fucked up, Jannie. Like really fucked up. Big time.” I managed to hold the tears away for another few seconds before they erupted. Again. It took almost twenty minutes to tell her the horror of the night before, why it’d happened and give her a brief rundown of the issues Bec and I had been having. The whole time, Jana just watched me, her eyes wide and her hands clutching mine.
When I’d finally finished, I offered a helpless shrug and a hoarse, “So, that’s it.”
And my younger sister said something so Jana that it eased a fraction of the tightness in my chest. “Well. Shit. That is pretty fucked up. More than I’d thought.” She kissed my temple, gave my shoulders a light squeeze, and went to fetch a glass of water. When she handed it to me, she elaborated a little, “You’ve always been an internalizer, Sabs. Maybe it’s time to start letting things out?”
Even after a mouthful of water to ease the dryness of my throat, my question came out small and childlike. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
Jana blew out a breath. “Do what the shrink says. Surround yourself with people you trust, people you love and who love you. And let us help you. And take your fucking medication.” Her expression turned from earnest and pleading to one I knew well—still supportive but with an edge that meant she was about to push and probe. “Seriously, why are you here and not at home with Bec? Shouldn’t you two be talking about this?”
I shrugged and was about to leave it at that. Nope, say it, be truthful. “Because I’m afraid,” I whispered.
“Of what?”
“Afraid of what I did, what I could have done. I’m afraid she hates me, that she’s scared of me, that I’m really too big of a fuckup now for her to want to be with me. It’s not just what I did last night, Jannie, it’s everything before it too. All the withholding and weirdness.” If I’d been completely honest and open from the start, included Bec as I should have, then this would never have come about.
“No,” Jana said emphatically. “Sabs, that’s never going to happen. She loves you.” She leaned forward, her dark eyes wide. “What’s worse? The discomfort of having to talk about it and telling her what’s in your head, or losing her because of this?”
“Losing her, obviously.”
“Yeah. Exactly. So you need to tell her the truth, from the start. All of it.”
“I guess.” I gulped down a quarter of the glass of water. “I’m not sure I know how to. How to explain all those deep-down things.”
“Like what, sweetie?”
I set the glass down, gripping it tightly in both hands. “Like…how I can’t get around the fact that Bec’s so tied up in all this.”
“How so?” Using her knuckles, she gently brushed under my eyes, then handed me another tissue.
“She was there, like right fucking there when I was open and exposed on her table. And every now and then I have this thought about her hands inside my chest and what she had to do and how hard that must have been for her, and I can’t put those images in the right place. She’s forever in all of it. The bad part of when it happened and then with me after, helping me get better.” I took another sip of water. “I mean it was always going to be people I knew, but it was Bec. And that’s really hard. Hard to know she saw me like that, so completely fucking ruined. And now she’s still seeing me that way while we’re trying to move past that to just being together like a couple.”
“Oh, honey. You know she doesn’t think that.” Jana sighed in fond exasperation. “Nobody is as hard on you as you are with yourself, Sabs. You always assume that people are seeing you as a failure and we aren’t.”
My sister knew me better than anyone, knew all my secrets. And I both loved and resented her for the fact she always had my measure. “I can’t help being that way,” I mumbled indignantly.
“I know.” Jana sat back in her chair. “You should really tell Bec what you just told me.”
“That’s a little unfair, don’t you think? How is that going to make her feel, knowing that’s how I feel?” We’d never really discussed it in detail, only skirted the edges, and bringing it up after all this time felt pointless and cruel. It felt too late.
“Upset, probably because you’re upset. But doesn’t she deserve to know everything?”
“I guess.” My throat was raw, eyes scratchy and sore from crying. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Jannie.”
“No,” she agreed, her voice tight. “But it is, and you have to decide what you’re going to do about it. Either you let it devour you, or you face it and do whatever you have to do to beat it.” She grabbed me by the shoulders, the emotion in her voice now offset by familiar fierceness. “I’m not losing you to this thing, Sabs. I won’t. I’m going to kick it in the balls if I have to, but it can’t have you.”
Chapter Twenty
Rebecca
By the time I turned into our driveway, my anxiety had coalesced into a hard ball in the pit of my stomach. The day had been a constant up and down, trying to balance concentrating on work with the memory of the night before, and worrying about Sabine all day. During the trip home—which was interrupted by a detour to a firearms dealer to get rid of the Beretta and remaining ammunition—I’d thought about the inevitable conversation awaiting me.
This wasn’t the time to be confrontational or accusatory. This was the time to be loving, supportive and strategic so we could work out a plan. Sabine loved guidelines and could handle anything if she had a concrete plan. We’d lay everything out, look at all the options and where we wanted to be, and then figure out how to get there.
As the garage door rolled up, I noticed right away that her Honda was missing. Had she been caught up in a last-minute case? But she was supposed to be on leave. Completing paperwork before her break? Or…was she avoiding us?
On my way through the house, Titus wound insistently around my feet until I nudged him out of the way with a gentle foot under his belly. It was only when I’d set my bags down that I noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen counter, anchored exactly in the middle by a can of cat food. I picked up the can, sliding my finger under the tab as I read the few lines penned in Sabine’s neat hand. My finger stilled as the impact of her words hit.
Bec,
I’m going to stay at Jana’s for a while, until I can sort this out and trust myself with you again. I’m sorry but I can’t be here, not when I’m like this. I don’t want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Sabine xxoo
Didn’t want to hurt me… Though intellectually I understood, emotionally I was shattered. Couldn’t she see that excluding me while she tried to deal with this on her own hurt me just as much as any physical threat? That this was part of our problem? I dumped the cat’s dinner in his bowl, checked his water, then gathered my purse and coat again.
The drive to Jana’s was automatic, my brain stuck in a numb loop. Jana opened the door, a sad smile tilting her lips. She drew me in for a hug. “Hello, gorgeous.”
I melted against her, absorbing her unwavering love and support. “Is she here?”
“Mhmm.” Jana released me. “She’s in the den.”
I knew the answer even before I asked the question. “She told you?” I was surprised at how flat my words sounded.
“Yes.”
“Is she okay?” I hung my
coat and set my handbag on the sideboard.
“She’s coping. In a very Sabine way.” Gentle hands came to my cheeks. “Are you all right?”
“I’m…unharmed.” Physically at least.
“Good. I’m so sorry, Bec. I didn’t realize it’d gotten this bad.” Jana kept her hands on my cheeks, and I welcomed the grounding sensation of her warm touch. “Look, I don’t know everything, but what I do know scares the shit out of me. I love you, but she’s my sister and she’s not doing very well. Be careful with her. Please.”
At another time, I might have come back with a rebuttal or reassurance that I’d never intentionally hurt Sabine, but I didn’t have the mental energy to tell Jana something she should already know. So I smiled in weary agreement and made my way through her apartment. As I walked into the den, I heard a door closing down the hallway.
Sabine sat curled on Jana’s comfy leather couch with her knees drawn up under a blanket. She wore a gray soft knit grandpa shirt, the sleeves pulled over her hands and thumbs poking through the holes she always made in her long-sleeved tees. Her gaze remained fixed on the blank television screen until I approached, when she looked up and smiled. But the lift of her mouth didn’t reach her dark eyes. Usually so expressive, now they were flat and rimmed in red. “Hey,” she said hoarsely.
“Hello, sweetheart. Can I sit?”
“Mhmm, of course.”
I lowered myself beside her, leaving six inches between us. Reaching out cautiously to tuck a wayward strand of dark hair behind her ear, I asked, “Darling, what are you doing?”
One shoulder came up in an uncertain shrug, and when she eventually answered me it was with a question of her own. “Are you afraid of me?”
My response was a forceful and immediate, “No. Never.”
“I am,” she said simply. Her mouth worked for a few moments before she spoke again. “I’m afraid of this new me. I’m such a fucking basket case, Bec. I don’t even know where to start.” She paused, swallowed, and when she spoke again it was barely audible. “I haven’t been honest with you.”
I tilted my head. Honest about what exactly? It sounded almost sinister. I placed a hand on my stomach, pressing against my diaphragm as though that would stop its spasming. A few deep breaths settled me enough to ask, “What do you mean?”
She stared across the room, her throat bobbing irregularly. Sabine always held intense eye contact, and on the rare occasion I’d had cause to discipline her in the Army, throughout all our difficult conversations, the painful moments we’d shared, she had always looked me directly in the eyes.
Now, they were focused on everything except me.
“I haven’t been totally honest about what’s going on with me, Bec. I tried everything I could think of to make things better and it didn’t work.”
“What do you mean, darling?” I asked again.
“Doing all those things I didn’t want to do just made it all worse.” She let out a raw, hiccupping cry. “I screwed up, Bec. Like, really screwed up. All I did was overwhelm myself so much that I got worse instead of better. And then…last night happened.”
Gently, I rubbed her arm, relieved when she accepted my caress. “I’m not sure I’m following, Sabine. I thought that you were supposed to be working on gentle exposure therapy?”
“Gentle, yes. Small things, baby steps, yeah. But all those things I was doing, the forcing and stuff was way more than what I should have done. It was all me, Bec. I made that decision. Not my therapist. It was me and it was too much, and it was the wrong thing.”
A wave of nausea crashed over me as the implication hit. She’d made herself a treatment plan, all on her own the same way she’d decided to stop taking her medication. Independently of her therapist was one thing, but to not tell me and to make out that it was what she was supposed to be doing was…unimaginable. It was a lie.
My throat tightened, and tears slid down my cheeks. “I’m upset that you didn’t share that with me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” The words were distorted by my crying. “And maybe I could have helped you.”
She was crying freely herself, great hiccupping sobs between her words. “I know, I’m so sorry. I thought I could just deal with it by myself, my own way.”
I had no answer, no argument.
It took me a minute to organize my thoughts. I suddenly knew exactly what had been niggling at me since I’d first realized she was in trouble. “I think I’ve been coming at this all wrong.”
Sabine pulled the bottom of her tee up to wipe her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve been approaching this like a CO, not a girlfriend.” I raised helpless hands. “Part of being a leader is stepping back and letting those under you find their feet, especially when you see them struggling. And all you want to do is fix it, but sometimes you have to let them fail at the small stuff so they learn how to handle the big stuff.” I reached across the back of the couch to take her hand. “I didn’t want to push you, and make you pull away from me so I held back. But I’ve been standing too far away. I shouldn’t have left you so alone in this and I’m sorry.”
“You haven’t left me alone, Bec,” she insisted. “It’s like I want your help, but needing it just feels awful. And you’ve been there the whole time, trying and I haven’t let you see what’s happening.”
“Well, yes…I suppose that’s true too. I guess we’ve both made mistakes.” I drew her hand to my mouth and kissed the butt of her thumb. “Do you remember the last time we were in Afghanistan together? That afternoon on the bench when we spoke about your relationship breakup?”
“Mhmm.” Her thumb briefly brushed the edge of my mouth.
“You told me you felt helpless because you were there and she was here. I feel helpless now, Sabine. I just don’t know what to do. Please, let me help you now. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, I’m so sorry, Bec. I just need you to be here. Please don’t run away.” She gripped the front of my blouse.
“You’ll always belong with me. I promise I’m not going to leave. This is too important to me.” Tears ran uninhibited down my cheeks. “You’re too important to me.”
Frantically, she wiped at my face with the edge of her sleeve. “I’m going to fix this. I promise.”
I leaned forward to kiss her forehead and we stayed close, foreheads lightly touching. “Okay, so where do we go from here? What’s the plan?”
“Tomorrow I start a week of psych leave. And Pace is making me medicate again. Zoloft and now that fucking Prazosin for the…nightmares.” She sounded so defeated that I wanted to gather her in my arms and never let her go. But she needed to talk. “Bec, I just…every time I take the medication it reminds me about what happened that day. It’s so hard, I don’t know if I can.”
“I know, but it doesn’t have to be forever, darling. It’s just something else to make it easier for you. To help you stop constantly reliving that day. Please trust us to help you.”
Sabine wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands. “I’m just so tired, like in my head, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where to start.” Her tears fell freely.
I pulled her close, held her as she cried. “We’ll start with what Andrew says, okay? With following his treatment plan. One step at a time. We can do that, right?”
“Mhmm.”
“Come home with me. Please.”
“I can’t,” she choked out, now clutching my blouse so firmly that it pulled tightly against my back.
“Please,” I begged again. “I love you so much.” As though love was enough to fix whatever was wrong.
“I love you too, Bec. And that’s why I can’t.”
“What are we talking about? A few days? A few weeks? A month?” I could barely get the words out. The thought of being separated from her again was so immensely painful.
“I’m not sure. Whatever it takes to make us feel safe.” Her breathing had steadied, and she seemed a little calmer now, as though wor
king out the details was helping her relax.
As much as I hated it, if time apart made her comfortable then I’d give it to her. “Okay, if that’s what you think. But I want to see you every day, if that’s all right.”
Her eyes widened. “Of course.”
“Even if it’s just for a few minutes after work, or whatever you’re comfortable with, but I need to see you.” I was babbling, something I rarely did. “I’ve already had almost a year away from you. I can’t stand any more.”
“Me either,” she murmured. “I just can’t be with you at night, when I’m asleep and my dreams might take over.”
“Sure, if that’s what you want.” I took a chance and quietly asked, “Can I stay here with you tonight?”
Her eyes held mine for the longest moment then flicked toward Jana’s kitchen. It took a few seconds for me to make the connection. There were knives in the kitchen. Jesus Christ. “Sabine…”
When she brought her gaze back to mine, her wide, fearful eyes begged me to understand. I knew she couldn’t say it, not again. She’d already brought that up this morning but the idea that she’d go into the kitchen, fetch a knife and attack me with it seemed so ludicrous I could have laughed. Or was it?
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her what was different about her staying at her sister’s instead of home, if she was worried even about that. If she was so paranoid, what was to stop her having another incident in the middle of the night and attacking Jana? Or were her night terrors only tied to me because of how intertwined I was with The Incident? Because subconsciously, maybe she did blame me? But I didn’t say anything, except, “Okay then. Listen, sweetheart, I might go so you can get some sleep.” Staying and continuing to push her wasn’t going to do either of us any good. Leaving her felt terrible, but I knew I could trust Jana to keep her safe for me during the night. I had to.
She mumbled a barely audible, “Sure, thanks.” She walked me to the door, her arms folded and hands tucked into her armpits. “Let me know you got home safely. I’ll call you in the morning?”
