I stood, wiped some dead grass off my butt, and then slumped.
“Come on there, killer, you can do this.”
I nodded and tried to force myself to take a step in the right direction, but my legs wouldn’t move. The only thing they wanted to do was crumble.
I fell back down next to Ruck.
His shoulder bumped mine. “Maybe later?”
“Yeah, maybe later.”
Three
Maybe I’d overreacted. I was a big enough person to admit to that. So he’d accidentally pulled on my magic again. It wasn’t as if he’d needed it. It hadn’t been intentional, right? He’d done it to save us, and I’d blown up at him like a banshee, then punched him in the gut. That might’ve been a bit severe. Just as him telling me he wouldn’t try to sever the merge had been a bit much. He’d reacted to my overreaction. We were both adults. We could talk this out.
I walked up to his place. His window coverings were drawn back, the light glowing inside. I walked past the window, and a flash of movement caught my eye. There, on his couch, was Marly. She was one of the gardeners that I’d caught staring at him over and over again. She was sitting in my corner of the couch, in one of his shirts, her leg bent as she lay there reclined.
I jumped back as if I’d seen a murder.
I turned, keeping my head down as I walked away. I wasn’t with him. If I sniffed, it was because the night air was cold. I didn’t care what Ryker did. We were nothing to each other. I had no right to be upset. For magic’s sake, he hadn’t kissed me in months and months. Just because the trail of women in and out of his place had stopped didn’t mean he was celibate all of a sudden.
A woman leaned against a building down the way, her smile wide, as if she’d guessed what I’d seen and was happy for it. What seemed like decades ago now, she would’ve been the first person I sought out when I was upset. Now I kept walking as if I’d never seen Marra standing there.
* * *
There was a tap at my door. I rolled over onto my stomach, dulling the sound with a pillow over my head. The tapping turned into banging, and it was clear they wouldn’t be leaving. Still, I didn’t speak, clinging to hope.
It wasn’t that I was in the depths of despair. It was more the depths of uncertainty. Was this how I was going to live out the rest of my life? Watching Ryker sleep with every chick that lived here when he was on a break from stealing my magic? Having to make peace with him when he wouldn’t even discuss what I wanted? I’d thought this place was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and now I longed for the Ruins.
The door creaked open. I should’ve locked it. No one respected privacy in this place. If I’d been back at the Ruins, I wouldn’t have had a door, but I also wouldn’t have had the illusion it provided.
“Bugs? You okay?” Dez walked in, glorious blond hair swinging. It was amazing that someone so beautiful could also be one of the most wonderful people I’d ever met. She’d taken pity on me one day when she’d caught some ugly looks flowing toward me from Marra’s table. We’d bonded over biscuits and lost friends. It turned out a lot of women struggled with being friends with a goddess.
“Hey. I’m fine. Just tired.” If she was a good friend, she’d ignore the crack in my voice.
“What happened?” She walked over and sat on the bed beside me. So much for that.
“It’s nothing. An off day.” I sat up a bit straighter and smiled. See? I’m fine.
“It’s Ryker, isn’t it? I’ve seen his casualties before.” She toyed with a blond lock. “Plus, I saw you heading from that direction.”
I was shaking my head before she finished, leaning an elbow on the windowsill by my bed and looking out at the stars. “It’s complicated. This whole magic merge thing…” I waved a hand in the air and shook my head again.
She flopped back on the bed, bumping me a few inches off to the side as she did, and stared at the ceiling. She took a deep breath then shredded on her exhale. “I get it. I was in love once. He didn’t want me.”
She bit her lip, but I’d seen the tremble in it. I wasn’t sure if she’d been in love once or still was to a certain degree.
“Are you sure? I’ve seen the way men look at you.” Dez was perfect. When she walked into a room, every other person in there looked like they had troll blood. And on top of it, she was a Wyrd Blood. Although no one actually knew what she could do. She didn’t like to talk about it for some reason, and I’d never pressed the issue.
“Yeah, well, not this one.” She sat up and turned her head away from me, and there was a suspicious swipe of her arm before she turned back. We now had matching fake smiles. The day was not ending well.
“Look, I think you’ve got to get out of here for a while,” she said. “Take a break and regroup. Knife and I are going back to Dorley for a little while. Why don’t you come with us?”
“Not an option. I’m linked to Ryker in more than one way. I lost a challenge to him, and now my magic is merged with him. I’m stuck here.” I got out of the bed and paced in front of it. How many times had I thought about doing that in the last couple of weeks? If it were only that simple.
She sat up, her brow crinkling. “I think you’re wrong. If I know magical theory as well as I think, the merge would cancel out the forfeit of the challenge. In essence, because you’re merged, you’re never that far from him, even if you physically are.”
I stopped pacing. “You think I could just get up and leave here? No problem?”
“Yes. And I bet Ryker realizes it. Plus, it’s not like the King of Bedlam is a problem anymore. After they lost the dragons, Harvo got pushed out.”
“He did?” What the fuck? Why hadn’t Ryker told me? Was this where we’d gotten to? Withholding and dictating?
“Let’s face it: whatever his reasons, Ryker wants to keep you here, but it’s not fair to you.” She took in a deep breath and then relaxed back on the bed. “Look, he’s not a bad guy, but I think you need some space. Maybe it’ll help him see the situation a little clearer. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away.”
I wrapped my arms around myself. I could actually leave. I could get some space to clear my head and figure things out, maybe stomp some feelings away while I was at it. The idea made me feel split in two. Every part of me should want to go, right? But it didn’t. Still, could I keep going on like this?
“It’s not like you can’t come back,” Dez said.
“When does Knife want to leave?”
“Two days.”
Two mornings, two nights. Not a lot of time. But she was right. I needed to go, get out of here so I could think straight.
“What about Ruck? He’d have to be welcome.”
She threw back her head and laughed. “Are you kidding? Knife would roll out the red carpet for Ruck if it meant you’d come.”
I didn’t doubt it. Ryker and Knife had an odd relationship. I didn’t doubt their loyalty or competitiveness. In another life, they might’ve been brothers.
“Maybe I will,” I said.
“Good.”
Four
I climbed up to the top of the tower platform. Ruck had another five hours left on his shift and I wouldn’t make it another twenty minutes. If I was going to leave, and I wanted to, I needed to know if Ruck was going to come. It would be hard enough to make the break with Ryker as it was. There was no way I was leaving Ruck at the same time.
I hit the top of the tower landing. Ruck’s back was to me as he watched the horizon. He waved for me to come sit by him. “Just tell me. I already know that whatever you’re here to say is bad by how slow you climbed up the rungs and how you stopped halfway up.”
Only Ruck would notice the difference in my climb. Why couldn’t he be into girls? Life would be so much easier.
I walked the few paces to where he was sitting, his legs hanging over the edge. He moved his canteen and half-eaten biscuit so I could sit down beside him.
A few minutes later, I still hadn’t spoken, and the
ripped hem of my shirt was a lot worse off than it had been.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” He held out his half-eaten biscuit, as if that could cure all the woes in the world.
I waved it off and took a deep breath. “Before I tell you, you need to know there’s no pressure. You make your own choice, and I won’t fault you for your decision no matter what.” But please say you’ll come with me. Please. I can’t lose you both.
“You’re scaring me.” He turned toward me, taking his eyes off the horizon.
I really must’ve been alarming. Ruck had told me countless times how the watch was serious business. If you didn’t keep a good lookout, you lost tower duty. That didn’t sound like a big deal until you were digging ditches or chopping up onions for weeks. Or even worse, cleaning the bathrooms. There were stories of one tower watch person who’d fallen asleep on the job. Word was they were still on bathroom duty a year later.
“I want to go to Dorley for a while. It would be nice to have a change of pace.”
Ruck’s mouth parted slightly as he stared back off into the night horizon. His confused wrinkles finally smoothed into something a little sadder. It didn’t take him long to fit all the pieces together.
“Ryker? I guess the talk didn’t go so well.”
I leaned back so he’d have a hard time seeing my face unless he turned away from his watch again. “I need some space from here. Between the magical slips and the…” It wasn’t the girls. It wasn’t. It was the magic only.
“The what?”
Fuck it. If I couldn’t tell Ruck what was eating at me, who could I tell. “I feel like I’m stuck in this holding pattern where I can’t move on and he’s banging everything that walks.” I pulled a heel up so I had a place to bang my forehead.
“If it helps, I haven’t seen anybody coming and going since—”
“I just saw one splayed out on his couch.”
“Oh.” The seconds ticked by as Ruck rubbed his palm over the top of his pants leg. “I mean, you guys weren’t really a thing.”
“I know, and I can’t seem to accept that. I think space would do me good. It’s not like we set out to make this place home. Why stay if things are taking a bad turn?” Before he spent another hour rubbing through his pants leg, I said, “I get it if you don’t want to leave here. I don’t expect you to drop everything and run away with me because I can’t be near someone. If you don’t want to leave, I’ll make it work, and it’s not like I won’t come back.” But it was going to be hard. Ruck had been my rock, my family, the one constant in my life.
“No. If you want to go to Dorley, we go to Dorley. That’s it. Done.” He made a fist and held it out to me, like we used to do before raids, way back when.
“Ruck, are you sure? I don’t want to take the best place you’ve ever had away from you. This has become your home too.”
“Bugs, we’ve been together since we were kids. This place isn’t home. You’re home.” His forearm bumped me as he lifted that still-clenched fist toward me. “You going to leave me hanging here?”
I made a fist and brought it down atop his, trying not to sniffle as I did. It didn’t work.
His head tilted slightly toward me.
“It’s getting cold.” I gave him a face that said he was crazy if he thought I was getting choked up that easy.
He rolled his eyes. “You know, there’s a big upside to this for me.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m running out of worthy indulgences.”
I hadn’t heard him say that since we’d lived in the Ruins. “Here? But this place has so many more guys. You couldn’t have gone through all of them.” Although he might’ve. I’d seen Ruck in action. His name should’ve been Rut.
“You like to live like a prude. I like to be generous with my love.”
“Nobody you want to maybe wash and repeat with?”
“No. He’s not here. Maybe we’re supposed to go to Dorley. Maybe he’s there. This was probably meant to be.” He was nodding, a smile budding on his lips. He was how Ruck had always referred to the one. Ruck had a romantic streak that was wide and never-ending.
“Going to Dorley might be a great idea.” He patted my leg. “I’m glad we made this decision.”
I wished I had the same optimism he did.
Five
Ryker was standing in my door. No need to hide the bag I was packing. He knew. His riled magic filled the space. The confrontation I’d wanted to avoid had come and found me, and I had no idea how bad this would go. There was no good ending here, not the way I was feeling inside. Too painful to stay, too miserable to leave. My only hope was that getting away would soothe the ache.
I’d been so close to getting out of here without this conversation. There were so many things I wanted to say but could never voice to him directly. The note I’d written him was still on the table beside me.
It was all in that letter that I’d probably never have given. I would’ve chickened out and jotted down something fast and inadequate a few minutes before we left. I would’ve snuck out like a thief in the night.
I heard him stirring behind me.
“I told them that Bugs wouldn’t sneak out of here without saying a word to me. She’d never do that. I didn’t believe it, but I guess I should’ve.”
I glanced over as he stared at my full bag sitting on the bed.
“I was going to let you know.” I paused only a second before I threw a few more items into it.
“When? After you left?” He leaned against the wall, watching me.
I couldn’t answer without being a liar, so I bit my tongue instead. The vision of the girl on his couch hammered in my head. I forced myself to think of how awful it felt when he’d taken my magic. Worse, he’d refused to try and undo the merge. Truth was, now that I’d had some space, I didn’t know if that was smart. But to be unwilling to discuss it with me? Those were his choices. Leaving was mine.
I threw the last of my things in my bag and then refolded the already folded items, looking for any distraction I could find.
“What about the fact that someone out there still might want to kill you?” His voice was calm, as if he already knew whatever he said wouldn’t make a difference.
He was right.
“Nothing’s happened for months. The merge fixed that problem. There are enough stones that there is no threat anymore.”
“What about the Debt Collector? You know I’m still trying to pin down his location for you. Doesn’t that matter anymore?”
“Of course it does, but that could take years. I know how slippery he is. With Switch, I could be back here within minutes. There’s no reason I have to stay here and wait.”
“And years are too long to get stuck here, is that what you’re saying?”
I didn’t answer, waiting for where he’d go next. I’d dreaded this conversation enough to have rehearsed it for days. There wasn’t a question I wasn’t ready for.
“What about the challenge you lost? The one that indebted you to me?” he asked.
“Dez thinks that once we merged, it neutralized it and made it null, since our magic is always linked at this point. But you knew that, didn’t you?” I looked at him, daring him to deny it.
“It’s possible, but we don’t know anything for sure,” he replied, as if that made it okay to have not told me.
“Then I won’t get too far.” I went back to my bag, struggling to find new items to fix but not having the strength to walk away from him either.
“Is that for me?” He stepped forward.
There was only one thing he could be talking about, and it was the folded note on my table. The one I’d dreamed of slipping under his door, which in all truth, would never be read by him.
“No.” I grabbed the folded piece of paper and shoved it in my bag, and then my hands finally stilled. I took a shaky breath.
He was so close now, just a couple of feet away. Our magic was doing that same dance it always did
, pulling me toward him, as if I were meant to be by his side. It was another reason to leave. I didn’t know where my feelings ended and the magic took over.
Still, leaving was like tearing myself in two.
“Are you going to try and stop me?” I asked, almost hoping he’d say yes.
“No. You want to go? Then go. I won’t beg you to stay.”
He might as well have shoved his hand in my chest and squeezed as he spoke those last words. I wanted to crumble, fall onto the bed, and cry. I stood still, not even a muscle twitching.
He walked out, his magic leaving and creating a vacuum until the void was overwhelming. I leaned forward over the bed to look out the window, trying to catch a last glimpse of him as he left. At least leaving had been easy for one of us.
I tied my bag closed, breathing past the pain. In a couple of days, this would fade. Maybe a couple of weeks. Maybe a month, but I’d get past it. The pain would dull, and then maybe I could come back a stronger person.
Dez popped in a few minutes later. She leaned against the doorjamb. “How’d that go?”
I dropped onto my bed, feeling like the energy I needed to remain standing had been sucked from my veins. “Well enough, I suppose. No teary farewells. That was probably a given for him.” I laughed at my own joke and gave her a half-smile.
She smiled back, sans the laughter and with a sadness about the eyes. “Knife is ready. Let’s get going. Better to do it quick, then.”
“Yeah. You’re right,” I said. Still, it took me a few more moments to get up. I slung my bag on my shoulder and walked from the room. I tried to keep my breathing even instead of the jagged mess that my heart wanted to shred it into.
I walked through the Valley, smiling and nodding to the people I’d become so familiar with, while I pretended everything was fine. That I wasn’t leaving here, maybe for good.
Blood Binds: Wyrd Blood Book Three Page 2
