by Harlow James
“Please tell me you remembered that you offered to watch my children tomorrow night?” Ally’s voice comes through the Bluetooth speaker on my Mustang as I drive to work early, a pleasant result of rising a few minutes earlier than usual this morning.
“Of course I remember. Do you not know who your best friend is? The queen of planners?” It’s true. I have three and use different colored pens for each category of scheduling.
She exhales. “Thank you. I know it sounds sad, but I’m actually looking forward to getting the hair ripped out of my nether regions just so I can get a break from my kids.”
I can’t help but laugh at her. “Who knew a Brazilian wax could actually be like a vacation for a mom?”
“You have no idea. And then the best part is when Collin gets to take pleasure in it. Makes the pain worth it.”
“Well, don’t dawdle though because my appointment with Sonja is right after you.”
“We are on the same wax schedule, huh?”
I nod, even though she can’t see me, and signal to turn into the parking lot of the firm. “Yup. Are we still on for brunch Sunday morning too?”
“Syd, any event that gets me out of the house is one I never forget.”
“Perfect.” I smile and shove the stick shift into park.
“So how’s the self-defense class going?”
As my eyes veer out over the parking lot, I feel my heart rate pick up just at the mention of what I’m looking forward to tonight. “Um, good. I forgot to tell you last night, but Javi actually saved me from the thunderstorm yesterday.”
“Wait? What?”
A small laugh escapes my lips. “Yeah. I was running and it just started raining out of nowhere …”
“Like it does in Texas,” she interrupts.
“Exactly. And he happened to be driving by at the time and offered me a ride to get me out of the rain.”
Ally is silent for a few moments and then the sound of her hum comes through the phone. “Hmmm … so then what happened?”
“He took me to Home Depot with him so he could pick out tile for his kitchen floor.”
“What the hell?” She shouts, and then instantly lowers her voice. My bet is she remembered her kids are still sleeping and this time in the morning is the only peace she’ll get all day until it’s nap time.
“Yeah. It was … interesting.” I debate telling her what Javi said to me about what sex is like with him since I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. But then I glance at the clock on my dash and realize I don’t really have the time.
“Interesting? How?”
“Hey, I’d love to keep chatting, but I need to get into my office to get a head start on the day. I’ll fill you in more tomorrow night when I come by to watch the kids. Or, on Sunday at brunch.”
“You’d better not leave me hanging. I can’t believe that guy … I’m baffled right now.”
I scoff. “Believe me, you and me both. But I gotta go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Go kick some ass … or help people plan their deaths, whichever you have to tackle today.”
My chuckle shakes my body as I disconnect my phone from the Bluetooth, stand from the car, gather my purse, and lock the doors behind me, striding toward the front of the building. “I will. Love you, Al.”
“Love you, Syd.”
It seems I’m the first person here, so I use my key to get in and head straight for my office. I love this quiet time in the morning when no one else has arrived yet so I can get my head on straight for the day. Unfortunately, I only get ten minutes to myself before the rest of the staff and attorneys make their way through the doors.
“Good morning, Sydney. Do you need anything from me right away?” Tessa pops her head in to my office as I glance from my computer screen to her.
“Nope. Just get started on that paperwork I told you about yesterday and let me know when Mr. Nickson comes in for his meeting.”
“Sounds good.”
I ask her to close the door to my office so I can get work done in peace in the meantime, and then the day flies by in a blur. When my eyes find the clock and I see it’s already after five, I sink into a panic not wanting to be late for my self-defense class.
I launch my body up from my chair and reach for my purse, side-stepping my desk just as Byron, my boss, slides right into my office, blocking me in.
“Hey, Byron. I was just on my way out.” I hope he can sense the urgency in my voice because I really don’t want to be late.
For my class. Not to ogle the instructor for a good ten minutes before the class ever begins.
Nope. That’s not it.
“I’m glad I caught you, Sydney. We have another custody case consult that came through today, but everyone is already full and doesn’t want to take it on. Do you have any room on your caseload?”
I know I should say no because the longer I pick up the slack around here, the more I’m going to be expected to do it. Although I did just close a case out yesterday.
But that’s beside the point. This is about standing up for yourself, Sydney. This is about being taken seriously.
“You know I wouldn’t ask unless we were in a pickle. And I know I can count on you to be a team player. Your dad would be so proud of how hard you work for this firm.”
Damn you, Byron—using my father’s approval to get your way. I revert back to bad habits in the blink of an eye.
I relent with a sigh as I bring my purse up further on my shoulder. “Yeah, I suppose I can. Give Tessa the client folder and I’ll glance over it tomorrow.”
Byron’s hand finds my upper arm as he gives it a tight, reassuring squeeze. “Thanks, Sydney. I know you’ll never say no to me.” He winks and then hobbles back down the hallway as I stand there, slack-jawed and fuming.
When I slide into the seat of my car and fire up the engine, I have to remind myself there is a speed limit on the roads as I race across town, my adrenaline fueling my car more than the gasoline in the tank.
“I know you’ll never say no to me.”
It’s like every instance in my life where I’ve said yes to avoid being a disappointment filters through my mind with that one simple statement by my boss.
I’m a pushover. I always have been. And just when I finally felt like I was finding my voice, I retreated and was slapped in the face by what everyone has always thought of me.
I’ve avoided conflict because I wasn’t allowed to stir it up. I’ve smiled and did what was asked of me because that’s what was expected from the poised Sydney Matthews. I bit my tongue in instances when I thought something was unfair because heaven forbid I should have an opinion of my own that differed from the ones of my family.
And apparently people in my life have seen it and used it to their advantage—and I’ve let them.
By the time I arrive at the gym, I’m so angry I slam my door closed on my car so hard that it echoes throughout the parking lot and with my gym bag in hand, pull open the door of the gym with such force that it slams into the wall outside. I stomp inside, heading right for the locker room, not bothering to acknowledge anyone around me.
I’m fuming mad—at Byron, at my mom and dad, at myself. How did I end up in this position in my life?
As I strip my clothes from my body and glance down at the outfit I packed, I remember that earlier this morning when the buzz of anticipation of seeing Javi was coursing through my veins I thought this little number would have him clenching his jaw real tight tonight. But now that nothing but fury is running through me, I don’t feel like flirting anymore.
The tight red sports bra and shorts combo I packed was with the intention to tease Javier a little bit, hoping to get a rise out of him again. Why I felt the need to poke the bear is still something I’m having trouble processing, but now my resolve has crumbled.
I feel lost and sad, berating myself for not having the courage to speak up for myself yet again.
Knowing I can’t hide in the locker room foreve
r and having no other options for attire, I put on the skimpy outfit, pull my hair in a high ponytail, and check my appearance in the mirror.
Even though I feel like shit on the inside, at least I feel confident in my appearance on the outside.
By the time I make it to the mat, the other five girls are there, but there’s no sign of Javi yet. When I take a seat, I stare down at my hands in my lap, tearing at my cuticles while anger still runs through me and the sting of tears threatens to make me crumble in front of these people.
But I can’t. I just need to focus on why I’m here and take out my aggression on the punching bags later.
A throat clearing behind me causes my head to turn as I see a hesitant Javier make his way to the front of our group. We all move to stand and that’s when our eyes lock before his trail down my body and back up so slowly that I can feel the heat of his gaze travel along my skin.
When his eyes find mine again and widen when he realizes I saw his perusal, he shakes his head and then turns to address the group. I can’t help the sly grin that pulls at my lips, knowing my outfit did exactly what I wanted it to. And in turn, it makes me feel a little better.
“Good evening, ladies. How are we today?”
The rest of the girls answer, but I just nod my head. I’m not sure I trust myself to speak just yet.
“Alright. Well, let’s get to it. The warm-up is on the board.” He points behind him to a whiteboard where a list of various exercises is written and I hear the collective groan from our group. And as much as I didn’t want to stay here just minutes ago, I know that working out my aggression will help me feel better.
After we do several rounds of jumping jacks, weighted jabs, squats, and crunches, Javier and Clay move to the front of the class to demonstrate today’s maneuvers. And we finally get to work on being attacked from behind, which definitely makes my ears perk up.
When that man came up behind me and held that gun to my head a few short months ago, I froze. I had never encountered a moment in my life where I ever felt so helpless. And the entire reason I’m here is because I never want to feel that way again.
“Okay, so today we’re going to talk about escaping from a bear hug attack,” Javi says and then Clay gets into position as the attacker so he can demonstrate. “The key is to bend forward to shift your weight and make it harder for your attacker to pick you up.” Javi’s upper body leans forward as Clay wraps his arms around Javi’s waist. “This stance will also make it easier for you to throw elbows side to side as we learned last week.” Mimicking the movements, Javi’s arms move side to side as he simulates elbowing Clay in the face. “This should give you enough space to turn fully so you can use another move to strike the groin area. With the space you’ve created from your attacker, you should be able to get out of their reach and run away.”
The girls all look to each other and nod in agreement. Seems simple enough.
“Alright, let’s practice on each other.” If we’re doing this the same way we have before, then two girls will work with Clay and Javi while the other four pair off. I turn to face Jessica next to me just as a shadow hovers over my head.
“Sydney. Come work with me first.” I crane my neck back to see Javi standing above me with an outreached hand.
“Oh … okay.” I swallow down the lump in my throat, hoping my nerves move with it as Javi brings me away from the other people and looks almost as nervous to be alone with me.
“Are you okay today?” he asks, pulling on the back of his neck.
“Uh. Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You’re awfully quiet. Usually by now you’d be trying to tell me off.” He grants me a sly grin on his lips as I feel mine do the same.
I shake my head. “Just tell me how to elbow you in the face and kick you in the crotch, Javi.”
That comment earns me a full-fledged smile from him as he moves behind me to get in position. The warmth radiating off his skin is hitting my own as my bare torso feels the fabric of his shirt brush against me. That slight touch has my spine straightening just as his calloused fingers grip my upper arms.
“I’m going to wrap my arms around you now,” he says in my ear in a low voice that makes my pussy quake. Dear lord, I need sex.
“Okay,” I breathe out in response.
His hands slide down my biceps ever so slightly, cup my elbows, then leave my skin for just a moment before they encase my waist as I feel his chest press against my back, every inch of my skin that’s touching his coming alive from the proximity. And since I only wore a sports bra and no actual shirt, that’s a lot of skin.
“Now, lean forward,” he directs as I bend at the waist, pushing my ass into his crotch. I’m vibrating with nerves as I wonder if I’ll be able to feel how I affect him. A hardness starts to push into my cheeks and I have my answer.
He clears his throat and then speaks again. “Now carefully throw your elbows up toward my head as you twist from side to side.”
I nod, taking a deep breath and then mimicking the movements, careful not to actually hit him.
A slight chuckles passes through his lips. “Good. Now as my arms loosen, shift your weight to the side so you can act like you’re going to strike my groin.”
As I look back over my shoulder, I catch a glimpse of Javi’s face. His brow is furrowed almost like he’s in pain and his entire body is tense.
And in that moment, I realize I’m not. Since Byron came into my office and I forgot how to say the word ‘no’, being in Javi’s arms is the first time I’ve felt relaxed in an hour, even though I’m getting ready to simulate hitting him in the crotch.
I don’t want to read too much into that and instead try to focus on practicing hitting him without actually hitting him. As I make my first movement, he slides his body back just enough that I don’t make contact with his groin, which if what I felt earlier was any indication, is quite the package.
“Excellent,” he says after clearing his throat and stepping away from me now so not one part of our bodies is touching. “You did well.” He gives me a curt nod and then walks away—not over to another girl or even to say something to Clay.
No. He walks completely out of the room and down the hall, leaving me even more confused than before.
Clay commands our attention after he watched Javi walk out without uttering a word. “Alright, girls. That ends today’s class. We will work more on those moves on Thursday. Have a good evening.”
We all help sanitize the equipment we used and the mats where we sat before grabbing our water bottles and heading for our cars.
And as I cruise home, rolling the top down to enjoy the slightly cooler air as the sun sets, I overanalyze my demonstration with Javier, wondering if there was something I did wrong or if I actually hurt him. Whatever it was, I’m no closer to understanding our relationship after that encounter. And I don’t even know how to describe our ‘relationship’ in the first place.
Chapter 12
Javier
“So, how are things going for you, Javi?” Lisa Peterson directs her attention to me in the small group of people sitting in a circle in my court-ordered anger management class in Dallas. I didn’t particularly want a group setting where I had to talk about my feelings, but now these people are like an extension of my family.
“Fine.”
“Come on, Javi. You know we need more than that.” She smiles politely and waves her hand in encouragement.
I blow out a breath and then lean forward in my chair, resting my forearms on my thighs. “I haven’t felt triggered in months, but that’s probably because I haven’t put myself in a position like the one I was in that landed me in jail.”
“How so?”
“Well, no parties. No drinking in social settings. I’ll have a beer at home when I’m alone, but I’m not drinking to get drunk.”
“Good. And how is work?” Lisa jots down a few notes as the group continues to stare and listen.
“Great. Construction helps me take out m
y aggression since I get to destroy stuff and pound nails into wood daily.” That remark earns a chuckle from the group. “And then at the gym, I get to punch bags and work out my aggression in a healthy way.”
“Are you still teaching that self-defense class for women?” One of the guys, Hector, chimes in.
I nod. “Yeah. And I think that helps too, knowing I’m contributing something positive to someone else’s life. I don’t want other women to end up like my sister.”
I spent two years in prison seething about how I let her down, how I never taught her to protect herself because I always thought I was going to be there to do so. That was the expectation my father held of me too, which only made the guilt even worse. And during one of the only times I left her alone, her pathetic excuse of an ex-boyfriend pounced when he had the opportunity.
I told her Jesus was a piece of shit, but she didn’t listen. I think part of her wanting to date him was because she knew I didn’t approve. Selena has always been a little of the rebellious type, especially after our dad died. She and I both put our mom through the wringer by getting into trouble and sneaking around, doing drugs, and barely graduating from high school. Add on my shoplifting charge at sixteen, and let’s just say it wasn’t necessarily a surprise that I ended up in jail.
But Jesus and I always had animosity between us growing up, and when my sister starting seeing him, he knew it grated my nerves. Honestly, I think that’s what part of his intentions were—he just wanted to fuck with me.
And when I walked in on him raping my unconscious sister, it gave me all the more reason to beat the shit out of him. If Andre hadn’t pulled me off him when he did, I probably would have killed him, not that the fucker didn’t deserve it.
