“Tell me about, Avril…before. About what it’s like to have a twin.”
Surprised, she looked up at me. A flash of sadness struck across her face before it quickened into tenderness. The smallest laugh left her mouth, and she swirled the straw in her tea, getting lost to the memories.
“We were inseparable, as you can imagine. It was like always having your best friend over to play. A friend who never had to go home and was exactly like you.”
“You both liked to do the same things?”
She gave a slight nod. “Yeah, but like I told you before, I was a little more adventurous, always coaxing her along when she got scared. But she always got this look on her face… It was different from the one I got. It was when I knew she was happy. Free. Experiencing something she’d never thought she’d be brave enough to do. ”
She looked straight at me, her voice lowered like a confession. “I think maybe that’s why I pushed her so much. I wanted to see her face like that because it made me feel amazing inside to see it. Lit up that place where I felt our connection most.”
Her tone turned wistful. “I can still see her…we were about seven and Chelsey had taken us to the park. Avril didn’t want to get on the merry-go-round. I hopped on, begging her to come with me. I told her I wouldn’t let her fall. She was terrified, but finally she climbed on. We both hung on to the same bar, our arms wound around and locked together, facing each other, while Chelsey spun us round and round.”
A tiny grin pulled at my mouth. “I can picture it. Bet you two were adorable.”
She gulped around the emotion as she continued, “I could see it the moment she started to realize how much fun it was. When she realized what she would have been missing if she hadn’t gotten on.”
The saddest smile rimmed her mouth as she looked across at me. “I was always coaxing her to go faster and farther, and she was always encouraging me to stop and look around. To appreciate what was already there.”
“And together you both experienced the best things in life.” I went for reassurance, but somehow my words were filled with longing, yearning for the days that’d been lost.
Both for Alexis and Avril and for me and Mark.
“Exactly.” Something pleading climbed into her expression. “I know you see this horrible person, Zee. But I still see the person she used to be…that person who’s hiding underneath. That’s who she really is, and I can’t stop believing that person exists.”
I reached out and threaded my fingers through hers where they rested on the tabletop. “No one should ever ask you to stop believing in that. The only thing I’m asking you is to protect yourself along the way. You’re living for her, and you deserve to be lived for, too.”
Maybe I meant more by it. Maybe it felt like I was exactly like Avril. Taking all the good I could get from Alexis while I could.
I cleared my throat. “So…it was just you and Avril, your older sister, and your mom?”
She seemed to try to shake the heaviness off, even though I could see the remnants clinging to her. “Yeah. Mom had to work a lot to support us, so it was Chelsey’s job a lot of the time to watch us and keep us in line. She really hasn’t stepped down from the position.”
I chuckled. “She’s protective of you, yeah?”
I could’ve sworn she rolled her eyes a bit. “You could say that.”
I laughed a little harder. “Nothing wrong with someone looking out for you.”
“Oh, she takes it to a whole new level.”
“I like her already,” I said.
Alexis giggled. “Between the two of you, I don’t know how I even make it out my door. I’m surprised one of you didn’t show up to escort me to work this week.”
“That sounds like a great idea.”
Her head shook. “Goofball.”
My chest squeezed. I loved it, the way she talked to me. Like I was just another guy.
No. Strike that. Not just another guy—her guy.
The kind of guy who might be good enough for a girl like her. I ran my thumb over her knuckles, our fingers still wound, hooked on this connection, for just a little while, refusing to let it go. “So…was it hard without your dad?”
Her gaze dropped in contemplation, the girl so open when she looked back up at me.
“It was hard in the sense that we didn’t get to spend as much time with our mom as we wanted to. She is great…like amazingly great. So, it was hard with her being gone so much, on her because she didn’t want to leave, and on Chelsey because it gave her so much added responsibility. But otherwise?”
“Yeah?” I asked.
Her shoulders lifted to her ears. “No. We were all better off without him. He left when Avril and I were barely walking. I could have let it bother me. Turn me needy for attention. But I don’t really think I ever felt that void. The love I received from all three of them…it was enough…and I can only hope now it was enough for the rest of them.”
God.
This girl.
“You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met, Alexis.”
Redness flared, and she dropped her chin, fighting one of those grins that tugged at all those strings inside me. Strings that were getting more and more attached to her.
She squeezed my hand. “What about you. Are you close to your parents?”
I guess I wasn’t prepared for her to turn the conversation on me, and I sucked in a breath before I turned my gaze to a spot on the ground, trying to gather myself. To find an answer to give her that wouldn’t be a lie.
Just a bit of the truth.
“I used to be.”
I stared at her fingers, fiddling with them as I spoke. “We were really close. Like yours, my mom worked a lot, but our dad was there, working just as hard.”
A pained chuckle knocked loose from somewhere in my chest. “Mark and I…we kind of ran wild. We were boys, so I don’t think our parents worried about us quite as much. Figured as long as we were outside and not starting fires, we were free to run around and tear up the countryside.”
Her smile was gentle with encouragement. “Why do I get the feeling you two started a few fires?”
I choked on a laugh. “Oh yeah, we started a few fires.”
Wistfulness tweaked the corner of my mouth. “Mark was five years older than me. You’d think he’d try to get rid of me…think I was a nuisance. But he always wanted me right there at his side.”
Sympathy swept across her features. She brushed her fingers across the star on the back of my hand, and I trembled. “I’m so sorry you lost him. He sounds amazing.”
Emotion clotted my throat, words thick. “He was. He was my best friend.”
Blinking back tears, she averted her gaze. When she looked back, she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking in me. “And now…are you still close with your parents?”
I scratched at my beard, trying to keep it together. “Don’t see them all that much. It’s difficult…going over there after Mark. It’s like there’s this void in them that I feel responsible to fill, and I know that won’t ever be possible.”
A frown edged between her eyes. “But I thought you said you settled here since it was near your parents?”
But that was the thing. I was always just on the outside, watching in on the good things of my life and never being able to quite take part.
“Not sure I’m that good for them.”
She leaned over the table, coming closer. “How could you not be good for them, Zee? I bet they miss you terribly.”
The waitress showed with our food. Alexis sat back, and I did the same. But it didn’t matter. I could feel that connection all the same. This girl’s spirit pulling and tugging and demanding all the things I couldn’t give.
I was beginning to think there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.
“Thank you for lunch. It was delicious.”
“I dare you to tell me you’ve tasted better cheesecake.”
Walking beside me, she shot me a smirk. Pure flirt
with a dash of sex. “You haven’t tasted my cheesecake.”
I nearly buckled over. A shot of lust straight to the gut. “Woman, don’t tease me.”
“Hey, you dared me. It seems with you I’m always up for the challenge.”
That was it, I needed to touch. My hand went straight to that sweet spot at the base of her spine, fingers splaying wide in hopes of copping a feel of her delicious ass. We were both smiling when I pulled open the door and guided her out and into the afternoon sun.
We chatted quietly as I led her to my car that was parallel parked at the curb. I opened the passenger door for her, helped her in, and closed it when I heard the gasp, the telltale vibe that suddenly radiated from someone who had stumbled to a stop three feet away from me.
“Oh my God…it’s you…you’re Zee Kennedy, the drummer. Oh God. I seriously can’t believe it. This is crazy. My friends are never gonna believe it. Can I get a picture…and…and…um…can you sign this?”
A girl who couldn’t have been older than fifteen shoved her backpack at me as she stood there stammering.
While I stood there floundering.
A flood of panic surged through my being. Saturating every cell. Overpowering. I tried to blink, to focus, to hear through the sudden ringing in my ears.
You idiot.
You fucking idiot.
I swallowed, barely able to hold the marker she’d pulled from her backpack. I scribbled my autograph across the front pocket.
My smile was nothing less than a grimace when I leaned down close enough so she could snatch a selfie of us.
At least I had enough sense to make sure it was angled the opposite direction of my car.
“It was nice to meet you,” I mumbled the second she clicked, not stopping to let her say another word as I raced around to the driver’s side, breaths labored and my heart this manic thunder of dread.
I turned over the ignition and slammed it in gear, at the same second gunning the accelerator and taking to the street like doing so might stand the chance of letting me leave all these foolish mistakes behind.
I pounded the heel of my hand on the steering wheel, my teeth clenched as I fought the nausea threatening to rise in my gut.
What were you thinking?
Discomfort pressed and pulsed, laying siege to that energy that refused to let go. That energy that’d gone dark and ominous, filled with questions and confusion, this throbbing chaos of outright hurt and grief.
I weaved through traffic like I was some kind of madman, swerving as I changed lanes, car skidding as I took too sharp of turns.
I slammed on the brakes in front of her house.
Not a single word had been uttered the entire ride home, and that bottled silence echoed back, somehow amplified by the rumbling idle of the engine.
Alexis reached out a trembling hand and set it on my forearm. “You’re upset that girl recognized you?” I could feel the hurt riding on her question.
I made the mistake of looking at her. At the girl who’d done her best to ruin me in the best of ways, heart and body and mind.
All that white, shiny hair falling around her face.
So fucking pretty.
Stunning, inside and out.
Angel.
“Tell me what happened back there,” she demanded, her voice cracking on the emotion that ran heavy in the air. “Why you’re so upset about it. Please.”
My jaw ticked in anger. Anger directed entirely at myself. I could feel it bursting, busting out at the seams.
“You want to know what happened back there, Alexis? That was me, making mistake after mistake. That was me fucking everything up. That was me, disregarding the things I need to protect most. Just like I told you I would.”
Confusion shook her head, lines pinched between her eyes. “What does that mean?”
My skin itched, this feeling crawling over me like a dirty rash. Sickness sinking in as memories flashed.
Too vibrant. Too close. Too much.
“He’s gone, man…he’s fucking gone.”
Disbelief. Horror. Grief.
I fell to my knees, couldn’t breathe. I gripped my head in my hands as I wept.
What did I do? What did I do?
“It means I can’t do this. This was a mistake.” It flew out harder than it should have. This hatred I couldn’t contain.
She jerked back like I’d slapped her. “That was about me? About the fact I can’t be seen?” She sat there blinking as she came to her own twisted conclusion.
But it wasn’t about her. Not even close.
It was about me.
But it was better this way. This needed to end.
Before it was too late.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Alexis
“What a jerk…what a total, complete jerk.” I muttered the words under my breath, hands still shaking as I yanked at the weeds in my tiny flower garden at the side of my house.
Even as I said the words, my consciousness whispered it wasn’t true.
A sensation fell over me. Gutting me. Crippling me in a way I didn’t quite understand.
Zee had used my shock as a tool to get me out of his car as quickly as he could. So he could get away.
Run. Escape from whatever was chasing him.
Or maybe his intention had been to run straight back to his chains. To submit himself to whatever kept him bound.
Because I’d felt it—the agony that had radiated from him.
A vacuum.
A black hole.
Nothing left in the wake of this tornado that had torn this boy to shreds.
Tears streamed hot down my face, and I wiped them with my forearm, gasping for a breath as I sat back on my haunches. “Shit,” I whispered, sniffling and looking around as if I’d find the answer to what could have caused his sudden shift.
Our lunch had been…magical. All week, I’d missed him like crazy, the emptiness of my bed never feeling quite so vacant since that mesmerizing man had made his mark on me. I could only hope that somehow, in some way, I was making my mark on him.
It wasn’t until I was sitting across from him at lunch that I was struck with a realization. He understood me in a way no other person ever had. He saw my strengths and he didn’t judge me for my weaknesses. Just as I saw his strengths.
So why would he think I would judge him for his weaknesses?
Disappointment and this thick, drenching sorrow swam inside me. I pushed to standing, my footsteps sluggish as I rounded to the back of my house and climbed the three steps that led up to the backdoor. I entered my kitchen, which was dimmed with the late afternoon light, and trudged over to the sink to wash my hands.
I turned the faucet on high, scrubbing the dirt from my nails and trying to convince myself to let him go. To ignore the nagging that thrummed with every beat of my heart. But it was too loud to disregard.
I guess I’d never been one to turn away.
Anxiety fired in my nerves as I paced the hall, whispering toward my feet, reminding myself of why I was there. I just needed to let him know I was there for him. That if he ever needed someone to talk to, I wanted it to be me.
Maybe I wanted more, but that was okay. I’d be honored to be considered his friend.
The heavy metal door swung open, and Zee was there, clinging to both sides of the frame to support himself.
Distressed and tormented.
Pieces of that light brown hair stuck up every which way, as if he’d spent the entire day ripping and yanking at it.
But it was his eyes—emblazoned in bronze and secrets and significance—that shattered my world and sent a rush of affection rushing through my blood.
“Tell me your truth,” I whispered.
On the way over, I’d practiced what I was going to say, but maybe it was my own truth that came sliding out. I wanted him to know he could trust me. That I would keep his secrets safe.
“Alexis.” It was a growl of relief and restraint.
A severity rose in
the air, and I gasped when he rushed for me.
His mouth crashed against mine.
Devouring. Destroying. Demanding.
Taking everything I had to offer.
His tongue parted my lips, claiming more. He pulled me inside and slammed the door shut. He pushed my back against it in the same second he pressed his big body against mine.
I wanted to weep with relief, with the feel of him in my arms.
This beautiful, confusing man.
“Lex. Thought I would die after I left you….saying those things to you. How could you be a mistake? How?”
The words were half past mad. Delirious. Just as delirious as the rush of insanity that spun through my mind when he rocked against my center.
“Zachary,” I whispered. “I don’t want to let you go. Don’t let me go.”
He spun us, hiked me up higher as he began to carry me across his loft. My legs were fastened around his waist and my breasts begged at his chest, nipples tight and flesh on fire. My fingers sank into his shoulders, holding on as I kissed him recklessly.
Unable to get close enough.
Shock jutted from my mouth when he suddenly had me against the metal railing of the staircase. My back arched over it and my head dropped back when he wedged a knee between my thighs and ran a path of needy kisses down my throat.
He held me at the waist while the other hand rode the length of my thigh. “This dress,” he moaned as his fingers brushed the lacy material of my underwear aside.
I gasped when he plunged two fingers into me.
Possessively.
No hesitation.
My nails scraped at his chest as I writhed against his fingers that continued their perfect assault. “Zee…oh…God.”
“This body, Alexis…”
He kissed lower, his mouth moving over the neckline of my dress and running to just above my breasts.
He breathed through the thin fabric, pressing a scatter of kisses over the spot that thrummed and sped and raced. “This heart…this fucking miraculous heart. You make me want to be better. You…you make me forget. Make me forget who I am.”
Stand: A Bleeding Stars Stand-Alone Novel Page 17
