I let him possess me right out there in the open. Beneath the sun and the trees. And I thought maybe, just maybe, I had my answer.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Zee
“Where are we going?”
Alexis struggled to keep up as I eagerly hauled her along behind me. Seemed it’d been that way a whole lot of late. Me pulling her along. Wanting her with me no matter where I went.
I was unable to fight back the full smile that broke free. “Figured you could use a little fresh air.”
She giggled, a tinkling sound that bounced off the closed-in walls of the stairwell. “Fresh air? In the middle of Hollywood? Don’t tell me you’re confused and think you’re back in Savannah.”
Grinning, I kept climbing the stairs to the building rooftop. A tease found its way into my voice. “Isn’t it you who’s always going on about making the best of the things we’ve got?”
“I guess I am, aren’t I?”
“Yeah.” I glanced at her from over my shoulder. “You’ve just got this way of seeing all the good through the bad. Figured you might wanna take a peek at this, as well.”
A flush rushed to her cheeks, anticipation swelling with that shyness that had her chewing at her lip.
There were few things I liked more than that. The humbleness radiating from this tender girl. The grace and the good that emanated from her like a lullaby.
Harmony.
Her voice softened. “I’m not sure I don’t see the bad in things, Zee. Sometimes I just choose to look at them differently.”
“Case in point.”
Confusion slowed her and a line dented her brow. So damned cute. “What?”
Light laughter filtered free. “You just keep proving my point, again and again. You’re better than me. Better than this…what I’ve been giving you.”
She blinked up at me. “When are you going to realize you’ve given me more than anyone ever has?”
“Lex,” I sighed, smiling at this girl who kept tripping me up. Distracting me. Leading me astray.
Wanted to follow her everywhere.
When we made it to the top, I wedged open the heavy door. A gust of warm wind blasted across our faces as we stepped out onto the rooftop.
Alexis gasped and immediately wandered out toward the railing at the edge. “Oh my God. It’s incredible up here. I had no idea this was even here.”
“Best part of the whole place, in my opinion.”
Her smile was so bright when she looked back at me, those locks of white whipping around her face as another gush of wind came barreling through.
“I would have to agree,” she whispered as she turned back to the view.
A summer storm was on the horizon, the city alive on the streets below, and up here, you couldn’t help but feel removed from it all.
Like you were looking at it through a different sort of lens. A lens that obscured and bent and distorted. Made things look better than they were.
Night wrapped us tight from above, sinking so low it felt as if we could reach out and dip our fingers into its murky depths.
Hidden in the darkness was a blanket I’d come up earlier and spread out on the ground. I had a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket, fruit and crackers on a tray, pillows spread about.
All that shit that was supposed to be romantic.
Because I wanted to share that with this girl. Something normal. Give her something good. And having a glass of wine with her sure wasn’t any worse than the traditional shot I always took with my crew after a show. Maybe she and I were making our own little pact.
I couldn’t help but find an extreme contentment in that.
Alexis looked over at me. A gasp parted her lips when she noticed where I was kneeling on the blanket. Something so damned simple. And there she was, looking at me like I might have given her the world. “Zee…you did all this for me?”
I pulled the wine from the ice and focused on removing the cork. “This is nothing, Alexis.”
She edged my direction, wearing a thin, loose-fitted dress, white like her hair that whipped all around her.
Chaos and light.
Angel.
Temptation.
I swallowed hard as she approached.
“It means something to me.” There was no missing the undercurrent. That she meant more. That I meant something.
Just like she was coming to mean something to me.
Too much.
“And I think you know it does, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t put in the effort.” The smallest of smirks lifted to her sweet mouth. “You know, since I’m already kind of a sure thing.”
Surprised laughter jetted from my lungs.
This girl.
She took me by surprise at every turn.
“You are, huh?”
Slowly, she settled onto her knees on the blanket. “Mmhmm…considering every time I get around you, I can’t seem to keep my hands to myself.”
I inched closer, my mouth just brushing hers. “I’m thinking that’s just fine. I kinda like those hands on me.”
She blushed, dropping her gaze for a heated second before she looked back at me with this adoring expression on her face. “Zee.”
I pushed out a sigh. “Get over here. Seems when I get around you, I can’t keep my hands to myself, either.”
She released a giggle, and I settled to the ground, pulling her between my legs and letting her back rest against my chest.
I reached around her, finished working the cork from the wine, and poured us each a glass. “Something tells me you like it sweet.”
Just the way I liked her. Pink and sweet and luscious. Every delicate, lust-inducing inch.
She took a sip. “It’s delicious.”
My mouth was at her ear as I wrapped an arm around her waist. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
She released a contented sigh, and I leaned back a little more so we could turn our gazes to the weighted sky that rippled with the glow of the city below, while we sipped our wine and nibbled at the food. Relaxed in a moment’s peace, as if nothing mattered other than this.
“It’s gorgeous out here. You were right, I needed some fresh air.”
I pressed my lips to her temple. “It reminds me of you, you know.”
“What?”
“The sky.” My voice was a throaty rumble. “Beautiful and deep. I look up at it, at the massiveness of it, and it feels like anything might be possible.”
Fingertips fluttered across my forearm. “I like to believe everything is…if we want it badly enough. Believe in it strongly enough.”
“And that’s exactly why I can’t stop looking at you.”
She shifted deeper into my hold, like she felt safe there and wanted more. Of all the things I wanted to give her, safety was the one thing I could actually deliver.
Silence swam around us. Palpable like that space that came alive. Though there was so little distance between us, the energy had gathered to a sharp point. Compressed and amplified. Like her spirit was slowly becoming a part of mine.
“I wish we could see the stars from here,” she whispered.
She didn’t even have to look, her eyes still attuned to the sky, her fingers attuned to me. Tracing over the star on the back of my hand. “To me, that’s what love feels like.”
A shudder rocked through my being. This girl too keen. I should have shut it up and shut it down. Instead, I was murmuring the words, coaxing her deeper. “What’s it feel like?”
Her voice was a wisp of emotion. “The falling part. Like you can’t catch yourself, no matter how hard you try, even if you wanted to. And I don’t want to.”
I clutched her tighter. Maybe if I held her tight enough, I wouldn’t ever have to let go. “Don’t. Fall.”
“I think it might already be too late.”
My chest hurt from the pressure. From all the things I wanted and everything I wanted to give her. I wanted to say something, but any words felt bottled, these overbearing cha
ins of restraint that tugged and pulled and struggled to keep me from falling right along with her.
“Have you ever been in love?” She whispered it like it was a secret. Treasured. Like the answer wouldn’t hurt and she’d embrace it like the beauty she was.
I tried to form the lie, but the lie wouldn’t come. The admission was dust. “Yeah.”
I could sense her sad smile. “What was she like?”
A quiet shot of disbelieving air puffed from my mouth. “You really want to talk about this, Alexis?”
“I told you, I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. Tell me your truth, Zee.”
But that was the problem. When she really knew, she’d run. She’d find no beauty in my truth and all those slivers I had left would be gone.
Emotion throbbed in my throat, my voice turning soft as I let myself get lost in the memory. “She was pretty. Ambitious. That music school I told you about? I met her there. She played violin.”
Those fingers were trailing across the star on the back of my hand. “While you played piano.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“My little drummer boy.”
God, this girl was undoing me. Ripping me up and turning me inside out. I didn’t even have to tell her playing the drums for Sunder hadn’t ever really been me.
She already got it.
Waves of that old grief rushed and surged, pushing at my heart, taunting at my spirit. I chuckled a little. “She was kind of stuffy. Expected things a certain way. Not a whole lot of wiggle room in the world we came from.”
The softest giggle rippled out and became one with the wind. “It’s hard to picture you that way.”
I squeezed her. “What way?”
“Not a badass rock star, all dressed up for a performance. I only have the pictures of you in my head from a different kind of stage.”
I buried my laughter at the back of her neck. “I was always a badass. Believe me, I can own a suit.”
Light, light laughter, playful and good. “Are you sure about that?”
“Oh, yeah. Girls couldn’t get enough of me.”
“Now that I can imagine.” Alexis sobered. “What happened to her?”
Regret puffed out with my exhale. “I happened, Alexis.”
“Do you miss her?”
I hefted a weighty breath. “Used to think I did. It killed me at the time. But I just had to add it up to another thing I’d lost. I can’t help but wonder, if I had loved her enough, if she’d have loved me enough, would things have happened differently. Maybe then, we would’ve stood by each other, made decisions for each other, instead of letting it ruin everything.”
Alexis was barely breathing while she absorbed what I said. Processing. Tucking away the few bits I’d offered. I wondered when she was going to hold everything—all of me.
I sucked in a breath, my insides shaking with possession, fighting the feeling that she was mine as I asked her, “You…have you ever been in love? You said there were a couple of guys…serious guys.”
She seemed to waver, contemplating her feelings. “I think I’ve gotten close. In high school, of course I thought I was in love a thousand times and it was over just as fast, and I had a couple guys I dated in college. Then there was Sam…”
I didn’t mean to fucking flinch. But I did.
“He was good to me…treated me well, and I liked him a lot. I wanted to love him. But it just wasn’t there. Because being in love…it should be something more.”
“What is it you want?” I suddenly murmured, right up close to her ear. “What have you been wishing for?”
I could feel the tremble skate her spine. “I don’t know, Zee. I just know I want more.”
Her voice dropped to a murmured wish. “I want to fall. I want to feel it. I want to see stars. Float with them and fall with them.”
She burrowed herself deeper. Closer. “I can feel it. Can you?”
Chapter Thirty
Zee ~ Twenty Years Old
“Can you just be cool for one night? It’s my brother’s birthday.”
Julie sat in the passenger seat of the car with her arms crossed over her chest. Over the last couple of years, it’d gotten harder and harder to talk Julie into hanging out with his brother and his crew.
It seemed to be Zee and Julie’s single point of contention.
The place where they always seemed to clash.
“I told you I don’t feel comfortable around this crowd.” Her voice was pleading.
Frustrated, Zee swiped a hand down his face. “If you’d just give them a chance, you’d see they’re all really good guys. Yeah, they’ve made some mistakes, but we all have and there’s not a single one of us that is perfect. You know that.”
Tears pricked at her eyes. “Give them a chance? Every time we show up to a party, there are drugs all over the place—and before you say something, I know your brother has been trying to stop. That the rest of the guys have. But that doesn’t mean it’s not right there, in my face.”
She pulled in a frantic breath. “Not to mention every single time, there is some slut trying to steal you from me, acting like I’m not even there. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”
Searching for patience, he looked to the ceiling. “And you really think that’s ever going to work, Julie? That I’d step out on you like that? Mess up my entire life for a night of fucking around? I think you know me better than that. ”
He squeezed the steering wheel. “I grew up with them. They’ve always treated me like a brother. They’re family to me.”
He loved Julie. He did. So fucking much. But ever since they’d gotten together, he felt like there was a little bit that had gone missing in his life.
Friendship and brotherhood.
That sense of really belonging. That bond to his brother had always been tight, and it was time to take the steps to make sure it didn’t weaken.
Julie touched his forearm. “I just worry if you hang around them too much, they’re going to influence you into doing something you shouldn’t do.”
“I’m not twelve.”
A frown pulled between her brows. “Why do you have to be like that? This is a legitimate concern. You don’t know when you step through that door what kind of situation you’ll find yourself in. I care about you. I care about us, and you know that isn’t the type of crowd we need to be associating ourselves with. You know the kind of reputation it could earn.”
Disbelief and frustration flooded the short laugh that Zee released. The problem was, he understood her point, too, and wholeheartedly disagreed at the same damned time. “You’re concerned about my reputation? These guys aren’t just insanely successful, they’re also insanely talented.”
She rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to pretend like that’s music.”
“Are you joking right now? Do you think the songs they write are any less important than mine?”
“You’re brilliant, Zee. Brilliant. None of them can touch what you do.”
“I can’t believe you’d say that, Julie. You of all people should know there’s importance in everything. In every art, however it’s created. Only thing different is how people react to that art. Art touches people in different ways, and each of us is drawn to the different forms of it.”
She dropped her head, the words a whisper. “I know that…I’m sorry. I just…”
With wide eyes, she looked over at him. “It scares me, Zee. What they do. The way they live. I don’t have room for that in my life.”
“But Mark is part of mine.”
Nodding, she unlatched her door the second Zee pulled to the curb, like she needed to do it before she changed her mind. “Okay.”
Cars lined the streets, and he could already hear the heavy metal blasting through the walls.
“Hey,” he called softly.
Before she climbed out, she shifted to look over at him.
“I promise you…none of this even entices me. I want no part of it other
than to hang with my brother and his friends.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Killing the engine, he climbed out and went straight to Julie’s side.
He took her by the hand. “Come on, baby, this will be fun. Just…let loose a little bit. Enjoy yourself.”
“Okay, I’ll try.”
He framed her face and kissed her hard. “Thank you for doing this for me.”
She brushed her fingers down his chest. “You know I’d do anything for you.”
Zee hugged her, so tight. “I love you so fucking much.”
She burrowed her fingertips in his waist. “I love you…more than anything.”
Ash lifted his shot glass. “To Mark, the birthday boy. May this year be the best yet, brother, full of songs and full of life. And let’s not forget the ladies. May there ever be a long line of the lovely, lovely ladies.”
Mark lifted his glass and shouted, “Here, here,” before he looked down and winked at Veronica, a chick he’d apparently been hooking up with for the last couple of months.
Baz had filled Zee in. He wasn’t a fan.
Veronica joined in on lifting her glass.
A slew of glasses clanked where the toast went up in the middle of the packed kitchen, arms stretching wide to make sure they were right in the middle of the festivities.
Zee was laughing as he clinked glasses with everyone in the room before he tossed back his shot. It seemed crazy a freezing cold liquid could light like fire in his belly, warming him from the inside out as it spun his head and slowed his senses.
Still, everything felt heightened.
Good.
He tightened his arm around Julie’s waist and nuzzled his face in her neck. “You smell delicious.”
Giggling, she pushed at his side. “And you smell like a bar.”
“And you smell delicious.”
“You already said that. I think someone has had too much to drink.” She laughed again, lifting her chin and granting him better access as he kissed up her throat.
God, he loved it when she was like this. When she opened herself up and stepped out from behind the barricades of safety where she liked to stay. When she allowed herself to see where he came from. Who he was outside the tuxedo sitting at a piano to entertain a prim and proper audience.
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