by Kyle Rutkin
Jez gathers everyone around the pool. They hold red Solo cups filled with Kelly’s favorite concoction. They stare at me as I un-crumple a piece of paper I had written a few hours before.
I begin: “The average person would say I didn’t know much about Kelly because our relationship was built on a lot of…illusions. But I did know Kelly. We all did. This fantasy, these illusions, that was a part of Kelly. She was nothing and everything at the same time. She had moments where she loved in ways I couldn’t imagine. Unconditional and selfless. And the world loved her for it. They loved the fantasy and the real moments in between. They loved what they saw on the screen. They loved her words of strength. She empowered us to be better, to stand up to our bullies, to be heard. We loved how she danced with lightness, even when her world was much darker. We loved how her eyes made us feel seen. They made us all feel special. They made us feel vulnerable and ambitious. We loved her loyalty, her passion, her smile.”
“Our relationship was a testament to her transformative power. Kelly showed me her demons and shadows, helping me unearth and understand my own. She took me on a journey. The first time I came here, she told me that I was going to fall in love with her. She was right. It was a selfish love, at first. I loved what she could offer me. Just like a story I once wrote. A story that connected us. But as I got closer to her, I loved her for different reasons. Kelly and I were fighting something together. I loved her because she believed in me when no one else did. She made me stronger. I wanted her to beat the odds. I wanted her light to overpower her demons. I wanted her to find the freedom that she longed for.
“Kelly was talented. She was an artist. She had a gift, and she believed it was selfish to not give that back. I liked that.
“None of us are childhood friends or longtime partners, but that’s how she wanted it. She thrived on people coming and going, brief moments of connection. She loved her fans. She loved giving community to the lonely. Strength to the weak. Affection to the wounded.
“She loved being a leader.
“More than anything, she wanted the people who were supposed to love her to do just that. But as we all know, life is messy and unfair. Despite that, Kelly had brief moments where her inner light shone brighter than anything. I consider myself lucky to have witnessed a few of those moments. We are all lucky to have known her.”
“To Kelly.” We all held up our glasses.
I lock eyes with Lizzy. She takes a deep breath, smiles.
“To her something bigger.”
I walk into the kitchen, where Kelly had put the blade to her flesh. I stare down at the spotless tiles that bore no evidence of that moment. That story still makes me smile. On the surface, it seems morose, but I love how she talked about freedom. About being connected to something bigger. To anyone fighting demons and darkness and shadows, it gives them hope. Kelly wants that story told for a reason.
The windows are open, and a light breeze wafts in and strokes my face, carrying the smell of flowers. The trees outside sway, casting shadows across the room. I can see small motes of dust floating in the deep beams of sunlight. It is beautiful. I feel my breath move the particles away from the sunlight, and a stillness sweeps through me. My thoughts stop. There is a second of lightness and happiness. Just for a second, a brief moment of openness. That is heaven. That is her happily ever after.
Then my thoughts return, and I don’t feel it anymore. The stillness is gone.
The sound of stomping boots thuds through the house. Screams follow. The police order everyone to get down, stand aside. They are coming for me. I close my eyes and fall to my knees, my hands behind my head. There will be no fight. I will go quietly.
Thank you all for your love and support.
Please forgive me for my sins.
Acknowledgments
“Shadowy material resides inside each one of us, but the man who is willing to face his own capacity for darkness will discover his deepest inner goodness and the presence of the divine within him.”
—Richard Rohr
This novel has been on a long journey to get here. It has gone through multiple title changes and editors. It has been rejected and rewritten. It has been abandoned and picked back up again. But through all the setbacks, I’ve always believed in the story. I knew that there was something I needed to say through this book.
Steven Pressfield taught me that the more resistance you have to a piece of art, the more important it is to your soul’s calling. I felt a great deal of resistance with this book, both in writing it and having people read it. Channeling Kaleb was frightening at times. It seems that every time I captured his voice, I was strapping on a harness and diving into a black hole. Thankfully, I was able to emerge with a piece of art that I’m proud of.
For me, the story has always been about our collective shadows. We are all wounded, men and women, victim and bully. We all have scars and pain that dictate our actions and keep us away from God’s calling for our lives. Scars that make us operate out of fear and insecurity rather than love. But if you are willing to face those shadows, you will come out on the other side transformed. You will come face to face with our creator.
Thank you to my friends and family who were able to tether me back to earth while I worked on this.
Thank you to my writer’s group for the feedback (Collette, Carlos, Annoushka), as well as my early readers (Kalee, Erica, and Alisha).
Thank you to all the professionals who lent their editorial skills and insight, including: Allison Itterly, Monica James, Julie Mosow, Annoushka Lyvers, Lindsay Means, and last but not least, Julie Tibbott. Each of you gave me honest feedback that helped shape the book.
Thank you to my design team, Anamaria Stefon for making an amazing cover and Vanessa Maynard for her interior design inspiration.
Thank you Adam Richardson for being so cool and answering my questions about police procedure.
Thank you to Joe for always letting me bounce ideas off of you.
Thank you to my parents for all your support.
Most of all, I want to thank my wife, my partner, my everything. Thank you for your unconditional faith in me. For always pushing me. For allowing me to turn on dark, suspenseful movies when I’m writing thrillers and Harry Potter when I’m writing children’s books. For allowing me to run scenes by you when I’m lost in my own thoughts. There are countless chapters in this book that were influenced by our brainstorming sessions. Thank you for truly understanding why I do this. You have always had faith.
Finally, thank you God for tasking me with this. I believe our job as artists is to grab an idea and get it down before it returns to the mysterious vortex. But if you grab that idea, be prepared for anything. Be prepared to strap on your armor and go into battle. Be prepared to encounter every part of yourself. Be prepared to transform.
About the Author
Kyle Rutkin is a digital storyteller and author in Orange County. To stay up-to-date on giveaways and news about his next release in this series, please visit shediedfamous.com or follow him on Instagram at instagram.com/kmrutkin.
