by Sara Wolf
I’m supposed to be the strong one.
And Alisa calls, and pretends to be strong instead.
And that breaks me more than anything else in this world.
***
I’ve never seen Shadus this content before.
There was always something throwing him off, keeping him on the dark edge between frustration and hopelessness. But now he smirks more, and talks more, and the Gutters still chuck butt-tons of yali at him but he brushes it all off and keeps conversing with his new human friends. It’s like he’s found some sort of inner strength he never knew he had.
Now, I’m not the only one close enough to see the yali. His human friends see it too. In the lunch line one day, when Shadus asks a Gutter to move and the Gutter merely throws him a nasty look, a blonde guy named Aiden steps up to defend him.
“Hey, Shadus asked you nicely to move. Are you deaf, or stupid?”
The Gutter gives Aiden a withering, pale-eyed glare. Before he can turn around, Aiden grabs his shoulder.
“I asked you; are you deaf or stupid?” Aiden shouts. He’s getting looks from everyone in the cafeteria, now. Shadus puts a hand on his shoulder and murmurs to him.
“It’s fine, Aiden.”
“Like shit it’s fine! I’ve seen him being nasty to you all week. He’s a piece of fucking work!”
Aiden grabs the Gutter’s shoulder and whirls him around. The Gutter pulls away, but Aiden throws a punch. The entire cafeteria goes silent as the sound of flesh-on-flesh resounds, and blood flies onto the silver countertop. The Gutter is thrown against the glass protecting the food, and he snarls something in Rahm and wipes his bloody nose as he lunges forward. Aiden ducks, but the Gutter’s leg slams into his stomach and he doubles over. The lunch ladies gasp. People start crowding around, chanting ‘fight’. Taj and the security officers run in seconds later, tearing Aiden and the Gutter off each other.
“That’s enough!” Taj shouts, holding the Gutter’s arms behind his back. The Gutter flails, trying to get to Aiden, and the security guard holding Aiden struggles to hold him back, too.
“Let me go!” Aiden yells. “I’ll kick his shit in!”
“I’m tired of it,” The Gutter snarls to Taj. “Just let me fight one human. Let me punch just one, Taj! They deserve it! They all deserve it.”
Taj and the Gutter move towards the door, Aiden and the officers trailing behind.
“Nothing here to see. Sit down, and calm down.” A security officer calls, striding between lunch tables. “Go back to what you were doing before.”
Shadus says something to his group of friends, who all looked worried, and walks over to my table. He sits, expression cold.
“Bad things happened because he was friends with me,” He says finally.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I say softly. “There was going to be an interracial fight. It was only a matter of time.”
“But because he was friends with me, he was the one it happened to first.” Shadus looks over at the rest of his friends. “And it’s only a matter of time before something happens to them, too.”
“Aiden’s just an idiot, Shadus. Shadus!” I snap. “Look at me!”
His eyes rivet on me, startled.
“Listen carefully,” I lean in. “Aiden’s kind of a moron. He’s hot-tempered. The fight just now had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Aiden’s temper.”
“He doesn’t know about the yali,” Shadus says. “I should have told him, and then he wouldn’t have –”
“You think he’d understand yali? You think any of your friends would understand? They’re humans. They like you. None of them would just stand by while you were being bullied. Especially not Aiden.”
“You did.” Shadus’ voice is almost accusatory.
“Because I’m trying to cultivate a goddamn respect for your culture,” I hiss. My anger at him and the stress of worrying about Alisa all compound on each other, making my voice acidic. “Because you told me you wanted it. Because – because I thought that’s what you wanted!”
“I wanted you to be my friend,” He says sharply.
“But you said we shouldn’t be!”
“I said that out of concern for your safety. I wanted to see if you’d value your morals over my culture. But what I wanted –”
“People don’t become your friends when you decide you want them to, or not want them to! There has to be trust, and mutual attraction, and – shit – the other person has to want to be friends too! It’s not just what you want that fucking matters! I’m not going to drop everything and become your friend suddenly just because you say so, because the next day you’ll say you don’t want to be friends again, and it’s just a shitty roller coaster ride, and I’m done with it!”
I slam my tray down. Shadus’ eyes are two hard, frigid rubies staring up at me. I barely hear the high-pitched whine through my fury, but it grows so loud in a split second I can’t ignore it. Shadus looks around cautiously. The entire crowd searches for its source, and someone shouts.
“The oven!”
Everyone’s head rivets to the kitchen behind the food counter, where smoke billows from one of the stovetops. One oven is glowing with an unholy greenish light, like it’s on fire from the inside. The lunch ladies shriek and wave towels at it, one of them running for a fire hydrant. There’s a split second of panic, students shrieking and Gutters yelling ‘fire’, and then the high-pitched whine reaches its zenith.
Shadus’ eyes widen as he lunges across the table and pulls me under it in one smooth movement.
“Get down!”
The explosion rocks the cafeteria, drowning out the screams. A blaze of white light blinds me, a heatwave rolling through the air like a bursting star. The force of it steals the breath from my lungs and the temperature makes me flash-sweat. The noise clears before the smoke. People are crying, screaming, the sound of sneakers squeaking on linoleum as they run away. Security is shouting, and as my vision clears from the flash, I see them running in and out of the cafeteria, dozens of them steering students and lunch ladies safely around the twisted metal debris of the lunch counter. Food falls as charred ash in the air. The explosion stopped short of the tables, but the kitchen is a massive, blackened hole in the cement. Mr. Targe and Ms. Gianca run in with fire extinguishers, but there’s no fire to extinguish. All that’s left is ash and smoke.
Shadus slowly helps me out from the table. He clenches his fists, eyes riveted to the kitchen as people scream and run in front of him like a panicked herd.
“Wh-What,” I catch my voice. “What was that?”
Shadus turns to me, expression quietly terrified.
“Zol.”
***
“That’s impossible!” Ms. Gianca says, pacing the principal’s office. “Zol is impossible.”
“It was zol,” Shadus insists, head held high. Principal Freeson quirks a brow at him. Ms. Gianca snarls.
“Yulan, tell them zol is impossible.”
Yulan, hands behind his back, patiently evens out his voice.
“Shadus, you know as well as I zol hasn’t been seen for over seven thousand years. Not since Asara and Umala.”
“Ask anyone in that cafeteria. Ask the humans, even,” Shadus insists. “They’ll tell you the oven was glowing green and smoking before it exploded.”
“It could’ve been a leaky gas main,” Principal Freeson offers.
“Nonsense,” The head security, a beefy man with a nametag that reads BROWN shakes his head. “CIA sent in maintenance to check and recheck all the mains before school started. We’re the safest-built building next to the Pentagon.”
“He’s right. This had nothing to do with human technology flaws. You saw it yourself, Gianca – there was no fire to put out afterwards. It was not combustion,” Shadus says. Gianca throws him the nastiest look I’ve seen from her yet.
“Zol is impossible –”
“I am aware this is a legendary ability your goddesses had, am I correct?�
�� Freeson asks. Yulan and Gianca nod in sync. “And that’s all very well and good, but we can’t go basing things blindly on your religious figures. If you’ll pardon my brashness in saying so.”
“Exactly,” Gianca points to Shadus. “And it’s childish to assume otherwise.”
“I assume inspectors will be called to determine the cause of the accident?” Yulan asks the principal. He nods.
“Of course. Until then, I’d appreciate it if we’d keep these discussions private. The President has briefed me on my course of action – I’m to hold a press conference outside the gates and tell the world the cause is being determined. In the meantime, we as faculty must strive to keep students and parents calm. A leaky gas main is a very viable conclusion.”
Yulan smiles, obviously agreeing. Shadus’ frown is deep and carved in shadow, but he doesn’t say anything more. Principal Freeson looks to me, and grins.
“Thank you, Victoria and Shadus, for coming in. We appreciate every student’s account of the event, as it helps us determine the truth. You’re free to go.”
My nervous legs take me outside, following Shadus’ clipped gait. When the door is closed and at least three halls behind us, Shadus scoffs.
“Unbelievable. I can’t believe your government approved these idiots to run this school.”
“I’m just glad…shit, I’m glad no one died.”
“There are burns,” he says. “The lunch ladies are burned quite badly. As is Raine.”
My heart sinks. “She jumped over the counter just before it, didn’t she? I saw her blue skirt, but I didn’t know if that was really her.”
“She’s brave,” Shadus snorts. “Brave and stupid. She saved that lunch lady’s life.”
“That wasn’t really zol,” I say. “Right?”
Shadus lifts his head higher. Students crowd in the halls, rumors flying about the explosion – a terrorist attack? Accident? Or was it the Gutters? The Gutters murmur that it was the humans. Everyone is suspicious of everyone else.
“It was zol,” Shadus says. “There are scent-tapes we found in Latori’s library that describe the smell of zol. I’ve smelled it during my studies. And that – the smell of it just before – that matched perfectly.”
“And the green light?”
“A side effect of zol as well. Creatures and objects being manipulated glow pale green. Zol was primarily used on electromagnetic fields of living things, but it seems it has an effect on the electricity of your human technology as well.”
“So one of the Gutters in the cafeteria –” I swallow. “One of the Gutters has zol.”
“And Gianca is denying it,” Shadus says. “Your human police will no doubt be called out, and investigations conducted. They won’t find evidence of arson, or even accidental combustion. There is no mechanical error to find. So they’ll lie, and blame it on a burst gas line.”
“The sotho aren’t going to like this either,” I add. Shadus smiles bitterly at me.
“Oh, no. You misunderstand how they think. The sotho will be overjoyed. They’ll send mharata to sniff the zol user out. And then they’ll start fighting over who gets to control the zol. This will turn the tides of everything – the faction power balance, our society, the Ki’eth faith.”
Shadus puts a hand on my shoulder, his touch feather light and hesitant. He smells like wood ash and the sharp scent of boy - sweat and soap.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for our argument. I was being an ass. And I was wrong.”
“I was wrong too. I lied. You and I can definitely be friends. I want to be friends,” I insist, my words harder and truer.
Shadus smiles, now much more practiced. It’s soft, and he aims it at me with a certain gentle sorrow in his ruby eyes.
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
His smile renders me quiet. It suits him much more than his usual glare. His cheekbones and profile aren't quite so savage, his expression isn't twisted. He almost looks happy, for once. Sunlight filters like gold bars through the windows as we stand in the hall, watching each other. I’m watching an alien who’s proven to me he’s so much more than that, and he’s watching a human girl who is covered in scars, and risking another scar by being honest.
“It’s not going to be easy,” he says finally. I grin crookedly.
“Welcome to Earth. Nothing is ever easy.”
The investigators come in a black van later that day, flanked by police. White letters on their jackets read CIA, and BOMB SQUAD. They quarantine the entire west wing of the main building, thick yellow DO NOT CROSS tape cutting us off, and gruff policemen guarding the borders. Security patrols tighten up, and Shadus tells me the patra fights in the forest have been called off for now. The faculty is edgy – the principal doing daily rounds of the campus and ordering Taj to give out even more detentions for tardiness or skipping class.
The thick air of suspicion doesn’t lift, even with Owakess approaching. The Gutters should be happy, filled with holiday spirit, but instead Ms. Gianca is snappish, Yulan always looks tired, and none of the Gutters will look at a human without at least slightly glaring. There are exceptions, of course. Some Gutters and EVEs stay good friends, like Dakota and her Adjudicator. But everyone else is too torn by fear to try to fake friendly anymore.
“Everyone will calm down when they release a statement,” Dakota insists around a mouthful of fish sticks. Principal Freeson set up a surrogate cafeteria in A building, but it’s crowded and noisy, so most of us like to sit on the lawn for meals instead. It means being glared at by patrolling police and hearing the faint screams of frenzying reporters and protestors, but at least there’s fresh air and space.
“I’m not sure about that.” Ulsi, Dakota’s culture partner and a Gutter with the longest hair I’ve ever seen, grimaces. Her pale gray eyes stand out beautifully against her velvety, dark skin. “Gutters aren’t so quick to forget, and even slower to forgive. And we’re very suspicious. Even if the investigators tell us the real reason, I doubt any Gutter will be put at ease by it.”
She downs a vial of emotion, and I sigh and lay back on the grass.
“My Dad’s been calling non-stop. He wants me to come home.”
“M-Mine too!” Dakota’s eyes widen.
“And mine as well,” Ulsi agrees.
“But I can’t go home,” I continue, staring up at a single puffy cloud as it scoots across the sky. “We need the money.”
Dakota shoots a look to Ulsi, and then tries to perk up the conversation.
“Aiden’s got d-detention, but he gets to stay. I bet if t-the explosion didn’t happen right after, they would’ve expelled him.”
“Melune is leaving, back to the reservation,” Ulsi adds. “And Trok, and Saqiri. A lot of Illuminators are leaving.”
“Why?” I knit my brows. Ulsi shrugs, smiling.
“They are cowardly. They always run at the first sign of hardship, or danger.”
“Not all of them. Raine saved that lunch lady.”
Ulsi is quiet for a moment, as if thinking about it. She downs the rest of her emotions and nods.
“Yes. But she is sotho. She is different.”
“What about your holiday? Kisakiss? They can’t just c-cancel Kisakiss.” Dakota frowns.
“They won’t,” Ulsi says. “It is important now more than ever.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because, it’s the dance-story of the Grand War. Zol was used in that explosion, and the dance-story warns of the dangers of zol. It is perfect.”
“So it really was zol?” I tilt my head. Ulsi nods hers furiously.
“Oh, without a doubt. Every Gutter in the cafeteria smelled it.”
“What the heck is s-soul?” Dakota asks. Ulsi starts explaining it to her, and I take it as my cue to say goodbye, chuck my dinner trash away, and go for a walk. The sunset is weak, barely dusting the naked treeline with pink and indigo. Security patrols, but they ignore me, mostly focusing on the building, and the protestors on the fence. The expl
osion only fueled their madness, and the media frenzy. Sometimes it’s hard to sleep when they chant all through the night.
A Gutter in the cafeteria used zol. Purposefully? Accidentally? I don’t know. The fact I don’t know who it is makes me wary of nearly every Gutter that passes me on the path around the school grounds. I can’t even look them in the eye, anymore. I’m not helping the problem of suspicion between the races, I’m just adding to it, but I can’t bring myself to do anything else. I’m scared. Fear courses through me like lava. If the Gutter did that to an oven, I know exactly what they’d do to my brain.
They could kill me. They could kill anyone, at any time.
“Victoria!”
I look backwards. Taj jogs towards me, and catches up quickly.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” He pants.
“Why?”
“Come on. I’ve got a surprise.”
I plant my feet as he tries to drag me by the arm, but he sighs.
“Come on! If we don’t hurry, they’ll get there before we do.”
“Who’s ‘they’?”
“Do you want to see Raine or not?” Taj clips. I follow him without question as he leads me into the main building and down the corridor, towards Yulan’s office. Raine and the two injured lunch ladies were transferred to a nearby hospital for emergency care, but Raine was quickly released back to the school, were Yulan could treat her more effectively with medicine meant for Gutters. Police guarded Yulan’s office constantly, letting only Yulan himself and whoever Yulan allowed in, and that didn’t include me. When the office comes into view, I notice the police are gone. Taj ushers me in, the door wide open.
