"Mother, Lady Catherine asked me to convey her regrets. She did not realize how late it was getting and she needed to continue her journey if she was to make it to her destination before nightfall."
My mother studies me for a few moments before nodding her head, she accepts my excuse. At this point I excuse myself and go straight to my room, unable to restrain my contempt for Lady Catherine any longer.
‘How dare that woman? For her to assume she could insist I promise her not to accept Mr. Darcy’s proposal even if he ever asks me again! Why would that woman think she would have a say in who Mr. Darcy marries? He is not a weak man who would allow himself to be ruled by a woman.’
I lay down on the bed and take out my frustrations on my bed and pillow, where no one can hear me.
The next morning after a restless night’s sleep, I open my eyes and stretch. I wish I was not so tired. Oh well. I will venture downstairs for food, and that will help wake me. I choose to dresses in one of my light blue day-dresses and ventures down for food.
My father, as he ventures into the parlor and approaches me. He asks, "Lizzy, may I speak with you in my study?" I follow him, unsure of what this could be regarding.
“I have received a letter that concerns you. It is from Mr. Collins, and he is asking about your alleged engagement to Mr. Darcy. This cannot be true because Mr. Darcy would never look at you and his aunt would never agree to the marriage. Lizzy, do you know anything about this?”
I am heartbroken that my father thinks so little of my looks. 'Does he not find me attractive either?' Working hard to keep my face expressionless, I hide my feelings, trying hard not to cry. I know I must do something so I put a smile on my face and laugh.
My reaction must please him because he excuses me so he may write a response to the letter. I make my way to the parlor to sit with my sisters and work on my needlework. Sewing should take my mind off everything troubling my mind, such as my father's words, Lady Catherine, and the man always present in my thoughts, Mr. Darcy. ‘Why is this bothering me and why am I allowing it?’
I stab each of my fingers more than once over the course of the next several hours. I am lost in my thoughts so much so I must undo my last stitches of my needlework and start again. My sisters and mother remind me I will ruin my sewing if I get blood on it, so I set aside my sewing and try talking with them instead. Only to realize I am unable to concentrate and cannot follow what they are saying, so I am lost in my thoughts once again.
My sister Jane interrupts my thoughts, “Lizzy, are you feeling well?”
"Yes, Jane. I seem to be lost in my thoughts today."
"Would you like to go upstairs and talk it over with me?"
"Thank you, Jane, but no. I am not ready to talk about my thoughts yet."
“Perhaps, you should go upstairs and rest until our evening meal."
"Thank you, I am sure that is a wise idea and would be best for me." I rise from the settee and make my way towards my room upstairs. However, on the way, I decide a walk in the gardens would help be settle my thoughts better.
Chapter Two
Elizabeth
After several hours and many failed attempts to distract myself in the parlor with my sisters, I decide to go for a walk in the gardens. I need to evaluate my feeling for Mr. Darcy and try to improve my mood.
The sun is shining through the open door, and the birds are tweeting a sweet song, I could hear all the way into the hallway.
As I am slowly stepping through the door into the gardens, I cringe when I hear mother calling, "Lizzy" then a moment later when I do not respond "Elizabeth!".
I wait for another moment. Quietly, I continue out the door hoping that something or someone else will draw her attention away from me.
“Lizzy, where are you going?” My father asks, as he suddenly appears in front of me coming around the corner.
Knowing I must answer him or I risk showing disrespect, “Outside into the gardens, father.”
"Why did you avoid answer your mother when she called you just now?" He asks me with a sympathetic look because I know I am his favorite of his five daughters.
Bowing my head, I reply shyly. “I am sure she will want me to help one of my sisters with something. Or she will want to talk about how much she misses Lydia, and I would like a few minutes to myself, father."
"I will distract her while you hurry out for your walk in the gardens. Do not be gone too long. It is getting late, and you know I do not want you outside after dark unescorted. even if it is on our property. Hurry, go now." My father said, with a smile.
I hear my father reply to my mother, "What do you need dear? Lizzy went out into the garden for a walk?"
My mother responds, "Nothing important dear, I wanted to see if Lizzy could help Kitty with something. It can wait."
Knowing I will not get another chance I lift the front of my light blue dress and hurry past my father into the garden.
Our garden is not your standard garden found on many of our neighbor’s properties, it has a flower garden with many types of flowers, shrubs and even trees.
While wandering the gardens, I pass the daffodils, the red roses, then the pink roses and come to a stop suddenly in a clearing surrounded by white roses. Continuing to wander the garden, I ponder all the things that have happened in the last while. 'I do not believe in love. Do I? What should I do?' I have so many questions running around in my heart and head.
Everything I thought I knew was not what I thought at all. Lydia had left with Wickham, and it would have caused a great disgrace to our family. Yet, Mr. Darcy is nothing like I thought he was. With no one knowing he arranged for Lydia’s marriage to Wickham. He even used his money to buy her marriage and saved our families reputation.
Mr. Darcy had asked for my hand in marriage in the past. 'Could he still want to marry me? Or had the situation with Lydia and the way I treated him have destroyed any hope of us being together?' I have found out he is kind and I know he is attractive. I have been wrong before on my opinion of him, so what am I going to do?
'I do not believe in love. Do I? Do I love Mr. Darcy? NO! Maybe, I do not know. Perhaps? I am still unsure about that. Now, what could I do? Where should I start? Should I apologize and tell him how much I appreciate what he did?' At least it would be a start.
While thinking, I wander farther than I realized. Looking around, I realize I am in the far back corner of the garden. No one will interrupt me here, I lay down on a bench and relax. While lying there, I watch the clouds float by in the sky.
What would I do if I never saw Mr. Darcy again? How would I feel? I know I never believed I would marry for love because I did not believe in it. But, I am beginning to understand some of these feelings stirring inside me. And what they are all about. When the thought of never seeing Mr. Darcy again, I get a sick feeling inside of my chest. Yet, that feeling is nothing compared to what I feel when thinking of him with someone else, especially his cousin Anne. Does this mean what I believe it does? 'Oh! My! I think I must love him.’ Mumbling to myself, I decide to think over everything again, and I finally conclude. I must apologize, or I will lose the opportunity to marry a wonderful man and the one I love.
Now I know what I want and need to do. I need to figure out how to approach Mr. Darcy and what to say to him. Lately, he has been distant and cold. “Hopefully my apology will help with that,” I say aloud to myself.
“Who are you talking to?” replies a voice.
Startled I look around for whoever is speaking only I see no one.
“Who is there?” I ask again looking around. To my surprise, I spot Mr. Darcy leaning with his back against a tall tree.
I struggle to stand up quickly only to sway from the quick movements and my long pink dress tangles in between my legs. Mr. Darcy hurries to catch me before I fall.
"Careful now, you do not want to hurt yourself," Mr. Darcy replies holding me in his arms. “Miss Bennet you look exquisite, and that pink dress is becoming on you."
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br /> At first, I am too stunned to do anything except stand there looking into his mesmerizing eyes. When I suddenly realize where I am standing, I try to step back quickly only to have his arms tighten around me more, making it impossible for me to escape.
“Mr. Darcy, will you please release me, this is very inappropriate," I say shyly with a slight smile. Even though I know it is not proper to be standing like this, I do not want him to let me go. Yet, I do not want him to think any less of me than he already does.
“Why should I release you? You could fall and hurt yourself.” Mr. Darcy responds only to release me very slowly as he finishes speaking to me. “Also, who were you talking to when you said, ‘Hopefully my apology will help with that?’” Gazing into my eyes, he asks.
I cannot help but blush and look at the ground. Mr. Darcy reaches out his hand to cup my cheek, bringing my eyes back up to look at his. He waits patiently while I consider my words. Here is my chance, courage, please do not fail me now.
Finally, I respond in a quiet, shaky voice. “You.”
“Me? Why me?”
"I was hoping I could apologize to you for the way I treated you. I was wrong, and I wanted to thank you for what you did for Lydia. You did not need to go to that extent to protect our reputation; however, I really appreciate it. Did it destroy your opinion of us and also destroy all possibility for us to be together?"
“Why would you want there to be a possibility for us to be together? You don’t like me, you already turned down my proposal once.” Mr. Darcy cautiously asks.
Stepping towards me, he slowly, hesitantly places his hands on my waist again. I can see the caution on his face and the unasked question in his eyes.
What am I doing? I ask myself. Will he accept my apologies? I wait and look for any sign of rejection at this point. When I see none, I take a deep breath to begin as I see a hint of a smile on his face. So maybe he does not hate me after all, and I sigh to myself.
Looking deeply into Mr. Darcy’s eyes, I respond. “I was wrong to think those things about you. I was hurt by your comments and hid behind my pride, and I held a prejudice against you for it. I was wrong to feel that way and wrong to turn down your proposal the first time."
"What are you trying to say, Miss Bennet? May I call you Elizabeth?"
“You are not going to make this easy for me, are you? And you may call me either Elizabeth or Lizzy.”
“No Lizzy, I’m not going to make it easy for you, but maybe this will help and please call me Fitzwilliam.”
Mr. Darcy leaned in and touched his lips gently to mine. Sparks flew on contact, I could not stop right now even if I wanted. He put is arms all the way around my waist, picking me up.
To keep from falling, I throw my arms around Mr. Darcy’s neck. He crushed me to his body deepening the kiss, brushing my lips with his tongue, I open for him. He thrust his tongue in and explored my mouth as I surrendered to him.
Time lost all meaning, and the kiss stole my breath away, I forgot where I was and everything else that was happening. Suddenly he twirled me around in a circle laughing. When he stopped spinning me, he gently set me on my feet still hold me around the waist.
“Now what were your trying to tell me, Lizzy?”
Bashfully I respond, “I am in love with you, Mr. Darcy.”
Looking me in the eyes, Mr. Darcy says “What a relief. I am sorry I let my pride stand in the way also, and my prejudice of our stations in life almost kept us apart. I love you, Lizzy, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”
Responding with a shaky voice, "Yes, Yes I will! When?"
“As soon as I can get a license! I don’t want to wait.”
“We will need to ask my father.”
“In the meantime, may I kiss you again?”
"Yes please."
Mr. Darcy lowers his head, and when his lips meet mine, the sparks fly again. Our tongues tangle and plunder each other's mouths. I am surprised and wondering again what these wonderful feelings bubbling up inside of me are?
We lost ourselves in the kiss. However, too soon Mr. Darcy pulls away from me breathing hard and fast. Leaning his forehead against mine, Mr. Darcy says. “We need to stop now, or we will not make it to our wedding night, and I don’t want to disgrace you or your family that way.”
We reluctantly pull away from each other while we fight to get ourselves under control.
I am standing there watching Mr. Darcy when I notice the surrounding area is fading away. Suddenly afraid, I reach out to Mr. Darcy. He is reaching out to me as well, only he is disappearing into the trees in the background. I cry out for him and collapse on the ground, I close my eyes to steady myself.
When I open my eyes, I am laying on the ground next to the bench in the garden, wearing my light blue dress again.
“No!” I scream. It was only a dream, a beautiful dream, but only a dream.
I sit on the bench trying to figure out how this happened and what to do next. Well now that I know where my heart is and what I want, I definitely must apologize, or I will lose him without a doubt.
I get up and dust myself off only to realize it is dusk. ‘Father will be so mad at me,' I say to myself as I hurry back to the house. Hopefully, he will not be too upset with me.
As I opened the door, I found myself looking up into my father's worried face.
“Lizzy, where were you? I looked all over the garden and could not find you anywhere?”
Throwing my arms around his waist, I say. "Sorry father, I was in the far back corner of the garden on the bench and feel asleep. I did not mean to worry you, and I came in as soon as I woke up. Please forgive me.” I said, hugging my father.
“Lizzy, Lizzy, how can I stay mad at my wonderful daughter. Hurry dinner is about to be served, we will wait for you if you hurry and wash." He said in a soft voice that told me how worried and concerned he had been and how much he loved me.
We released each other, and I hurried upstairs to my room to freshen up. The rest of the night was uneventful, and my mind settled.
Later that evening I hurried to my room, so no one else would ask me about my whereabouts that afternoon. I retire to my bed early and get a good night sleep so I would be well rested if Mr. Darcy calls on me tomorrow. I hoped that he would so we could have this very needed conversation.
That night sleep did not find me right away as I had hoped it would. When sleep found me, it was restless, and I tossed and turned all night, but, I did dream.
Suddenly I find myself in a beautiful big church surrounded by all my family and Mr. Darcy’s family. I am standing in front of everyone in a beautiful white dress, a flowing veil along with flowers in my hair. Looking around, I try to figure out how I got here and what is happening.
I am unsure how long I have been standing there when Mr. Darcy approaches me. “You turned my down when I asked you the first time, so I wanted you to know the humiliation I went through. I will not be marrying you today like planned. I will marry my cousin Anne like my aunt wants because you aren't worthy of me." He said with a laugh.
I stand there shocked as slowly every one of Mr. Darcy’s family begins to laugh at me. Humiliation washes over me. ‘How could he do this to me?’
The tears slowly being to fall from my eyes as I walk quickly back up the aisle and leave the church. Suddenly I find myself alone at night in the park. Looking around, I again try to figure out why and how I got here, only this time I notice I am wearing a lavender dress. I am still trying to figure out what is happening a voice startles me.
“Miss Bennet, what are you doing here by yourself unescorted this time of night?” The voice says.
“Who is there and what do you want?” I reply swiftly with a shaky voice.
“You are not important, and no one wants you.” The voice responds again.
“Please who are you?” I ask again.
Only this time Mr. Darcy step out from behind a tree. He reaches a hand out to, and when I try to take it, he quickly pulls his ha
nd back and laughs.
“No one would want to marry you. I am glad you turned down my proposal, you did me a favor because I will marry my cousin Anne, not you.” This time he vanishes into the dark, and I am alone again.
I feel a terrible pain in my chest, I now know what heartbroken is, and I begin to sob uncontrollably. How could he do this? How could he be so cruel?
The next thing I realize is a warming sensation on my face. I open my eye to see bright sunlight, streaming through my window. I had forgotten to draw the curtains last night before going to sleep.
Due to those horrible nightmares, I woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed. However, as I became more fully awake, I am able to realize that they were only nightmares, two horrible dreams and I am extremely relieved. I think I will never be able to wear that purple dress without thinking of that horrible dream. I Wonder if one of my other sisters would like a new dress, I will need to ask them about it today. Walking to the window, I pull open the curtain the rest of the way and observers the scene outside. There are small animals scurrying around, and the birds are singing in the tall flowering oak trees, next to the house. Peace, that is what I felt when I look out this window, something I had very little of up to this moment.
These dreams were the exact opposite of the one I had in the gardens, and I am extremely grateful for that. He had rejected me and crushed my heart by marrying Anne as per his aunt, Lady Catherine’s wishes.
All sorts of thoughts invaded my mind. ‘Could I be forward enough to call on Mr. Darcy? Would I be able to do this without damaging my family’s reputation or mine? Is there a way to apologize now or should I wait and see if he comes to visit? Could I be so forward? No! I could I ever call on Mr. Darcy, so I must wait for him to call on me.
Should I start a conversation about Mr. Darcy with father, or with Jane? I cannot have this conversation with my Mother that is for certain. Oh, what should I do? What will I do if he rejects me and wants nothing to do with me?’ There is no choice for me but to wait and hopefully, Mr. Darcy would call on me soon. I hope and pray he would not reject my apology and my heart as he did in my nightmares.
Elizabeth's Ordeal Page 14
