by Rich Amooi
Lilliana Jones and the Temple of Groom
Rich Amooi
Copyright 2016 © Rich Amooi
http://www.richamooi.com
Editing by Mary Yakovets
Please try self-hypnosis if you have issues with things that are make-believe. This book is a work of fiction. Seriously. References to real people, dead people, companies, jellyfish, restaurants, events, products, unusually hairy Italian men, services, businesses, the Pope, corporations, organizations, or locations are intended only to provide a sense of authenticity and are used fictitiously. Characters, names, story, locations, incidents, and dialogue come from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Studies have shown that reading books from Rich Amooi will make you happier and less likely to kill people. Except for use in a review, no part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, eaten, recorded, or distributed in printed or electronic form without permission from the author.
To my sister Amy Messerschmidt,
the most generous person I know.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
More fun!
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Chapter One
“I would rather have laser hair removal on my upper lip for six hours without numbing cream than have lunch with you today,” Lilliana Jones said into the phone. “You know the routine. If we didn’t plan it, I will ban it.”
Sometimes Lilly had to show her best friend tough love, since Colette was always up to something. Up to no good would be more accurate.
“Wait just one minute,” Colette said in her typical dramatic fashion. “Who said yes when you wanted a marathon partner for the Alzheimer’s fundraiser?”
“You did.”
“And who got up at six in the morning to volunteer with you for that coastal clean-up day on the beach?”
Lilly sighed, knowing Colette wasn’t finished yet. “You.”
“And who helped you sell all those Girl Scout cookies?”
“Oh, come on. That was over twenty years ago.”
“Still counts.”
“I’m not meeting you for lunch.”
“I would do it for you.” Colette put just enough emphasis on the I and You to plant another seed in Lilly’s guilt trip garden.
“Hold on.” Lilly set the phone down on her desk and closed her office door. As Vice President of HR, she had an open door policy. She wanted employees at the high-tech company to always feel welcome if they ever needed to talk or had an issue with something. But conversations with Colette were on the animated side and Lilly didn’t need everyone in the office to listen to her explain why she didn’t want to go out to lunch today.
Lilly didn’t do spontaneous.
She’d eliminated the word from her vocabulary and the corresponding act three years ago when spontaneity sent her boyfriend on a trip to Africa to find himself.
He had never returned. Just like her father had done when she was a little girl.
Ever since the day her soul-searching douche bag of an ex decided there were more important things in life than Lilly everything had to be scheduled in advance. And there was no straying from the plan. Ever. She was certain Colette would still try to convince her to be spontaneous.
Lilly circled back around her desk and grabbed the phone. “Okay, what’s so important?”
“I can’t say over the phone.”
Lilly waited for something more but heard nothing. “Colette. It’s slice and dice day. I need to turn a department of twenty-five people into a department of ten and we have a board meeting this afternoon. Plus I have an employee who claims he missed a week of work because he got salmonella from the fried pork rinds in our vending machine.”
“I need to see you in person. This can’t wait. It’s a matter of . . .”
“Life and death? Don’t even . . . I swear I feel a monstrous migraine coming on.”
“Meet me at Panda Express on Meridian and I’ll explain everything.”
“You’re going to tell me about a life and death situation over Chinese?”
“That food takes me to my happy place.”
Lilly paced back and forth in her office, going over her options. She didn’t have many. If she didn’t meet Colette, she’d feel guilty. She couldn’t turn her back on her best friend when she was in need. If she was in need. Colette sounded sincere, but then again, she was an accomplished actress, having toured with several theater productions, including two months performing in Romeo and Juliet with Orlando Bloom.
“Lilly? Please . . .”
“I’ll be right there. And if this is another trick to get me to do something spontaneous, you’re the one who’ll be having laser without numbing cream.”
Lilly felt she was being set up but she couldn’t take a chance.
Eight minutes later she parked her sensible and practical Toyota Corolla in front of the Panda Express. Normally she would find a spot in the farthest area of the shopping center to avoid the possibility of door dings and other disasters. Today she had no time to spare. At least she wasn’t struck by lightning or sideswiped by a city bus because of her sudden change of plans.
“Thank you,” she said to herself, full of gratitude.
She swung the front door to Panda Express open and walked to the back where Colette sat with two meals and two glasses of water. Not a surprise since Lilly had the same thing every time they ate there.
Colette stood and hugged Lilly, then pointed to the platter across from her. “I got you your favorite.”
Lilly eyed the fried rice and double order of shrimp then brought her attention back to Colette. “You don’t look distraught. I swear—”
“Sit down and eat.”
She placed her purse on the open chair next to her. “Colette, if you—”
“Eat!”
Lilly pulled the chair out and sat. “You’re pushy.”
Colette smirked. “You still love me.”
“For now . . .” Lilly pulled out a small bottle of hand sanitizer from her purse. “You want some?”
Colette shook her head. “No, but let me see your keychain for a second.”
“Why?”
“I think I'll get my mom one for her birthday. I forgot where you got it.”
Lilly handed Colette her brass elephant key chain. “I bought it online on Etsy.”
Colette analyzed the key chain. “Oh, that’s right.”
Lilly squeezed hand sanitizer into her palms and rubbed her hands together until the liquid disappeared. Then she stuck the bottle back in her purse and took her first bite. She took a few more bites, wondering how long it would be before her best friend spoke.
Colette took a bite of her chicken and moaned. “Oh, God.” She closed her eyes and chewed slowly. “Ohhhhhhh, God.”
“You sound like Meg Ryan. Knock it off.”
Colette swallowed and waved to someone over Lilly’s shoulder. “She’s here. She can be a little rough around the edges but she means well, so just go with it.”
“Who?”
“Madam Love.” Colette said the name as if Lilly knew who Madam Love was. As if Lilly would be fine with an unexpected
lunch guest. As if Lilly had no clue her best friend was up to no good.
Lilly twisted her body around to follow Colette’s gaze. A tall, slender woman entered the restaurant wearing a carrot-colored cape and a brown bandana. She looked like the world’s tallest pumpkin. The woman’s jewelry jingled and jangled with each step, easily heard over the noise of the customers and cooks.
Lilly swung back around. “What’s going on?”
Colette bit her lower lip. “This is an intervention.”
Lilly’s heart rate sped up. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t part of the plan and the only thing she wanted to do now was figure out the best way to kill her best friend.
Colette stood and smiled. “Madam Love. So glad you could join us.”
“Darling.” Madam Love air-kissed Colette and turned to Lilly. “You must be—”
“Out of here.” Lilly stood and grabbed her purse.
Colette taunted Lilly with her keys. “Good luck with that.”
Lilly lunged for the keys but she wasn’t fast enough to grab them. “God! I can’t believe I fell for that. Your mom’s birthday isn’t for another six months.”
“She celebrates bi-annually now.”
“Right. It was bad enough you changed my plans for lunch but then you invited a psychic?”
“Psychic is so last century,” Madam Love said. “I’m The Human Whisperer. Anyway, I already know so much about you from watching you.”
“I can’t believe you did this, Colette. You lied. You told me this was a matter of life and death.”
“It is.” Colette squeezed Lilly’s arm and frowned. “Yours.”
Lilly laughed, but it came out more like a cackle. “I’m not dying.”
“Actually, you are.” Madam Love pulled out a chair and sat, making herself right at home. “I felt the vibration as I approached your table. You’re dying on the inside. I’m certain of it.”
Ridiculous.
Dying on the inside? This woman didn’t even know her. Sure, Lilly’s life was safe, maybe even as plain as her morning bagel, but was that a bad thing?
“Just sit and we’ll talk over lunch,” Colette said, putting her arm around Madam Love. “She’s amazing. I never told you about her because I knew you didn’t believe in psychics, but she predicted I would meet the love of my life in a park. I met Simon a week later.”
“You went to the park, found the first thing with testicles and hit on him. Just a coincidence. Look at you.” Lilly gestured to Colette’s long blonde hair and slim body. “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.”
“No. You are.” Colette placed both hands on Lilly’s shoulders and pushed down. “Sit. The intervention starts now.”
Madam Love reached over and grabbed the fortune cookie from Lilly’s tray. Then she took Colette’s. “These can be distractions and must be eliminated.” Madam Love ate both cookies and laughed at each of the fortunes, not bothering to share them with Colette and Lilly.
Lilly didn’t like that she was taking her time. “Since I’m a prisoner here can we get going with this?”
Maybe Madam Love got paid by the hour. Finally, it looked like she was ready. She opened her purse and stuck her nose inside.
Lilly couldn’t believe this was happening. “Don’t tell me . . . Tarot cards? A crystal ball? Maybe an Ouija board?”
“Do I look old school to you?” Madam Love gestured to her cape proudly. She pulled out a glass pyramid from her purse and placed it in the middle of the table. It couldn’t have been over three inches tall, filled with tiny transparent purple stones and what appeared to be metal shavings.
Lilly tilted her head to the side. “What is that?”
Madam Love rubbed the sides of the pyramid. “It’s an orgonite. Some people use it for healing or as a Feng Shui tool. It promotes tranquility and inner peace. It enhances my abilities to help others transform their lives for the better.”
Colette leaned forward to inspect it. “Is that an amethyst inside?”
“Very good! There’s also fine brass, copper, steel, aluminum and Dead Sea salt.”
Lilly was convinced that Madam Love was a scam artist or a nut job. Orgonite? It sounded like a brand of suitcases or a citizen of Oregon.
Madam Love rubbed the pyramid again and her eyes widened. “I see great danger for you.”
The absurdity of Madam Love’s words made Lilly burst into laughter, followed by the involuntary swallowing of an entire piece of shrimp. She tried to breathe and had difficulty, the choking sensation getting worse by the second.
Lilly smacked the table and pointed to her throat.
Colette clapped her hands together. “Oh, I love this game! Okay, one word . . .”
Lilly’s bulging eyes should have been a clue to Colette that this was a serious situation, not a game. Lilly shook her head and pointed to her throat again.
“You already told me that. One word—I know. Give me more. Is it a movie? I got it! Deep Throat!”
This is it. I’m going to die in a Panda Express. I didn’t even get to finish my meal!
Madam Love reached over and karate-chopped Lilly on the back with the force of an aluminum baseball bat. The piece of shrimp flew out of her mouth, along with a few grains of fried rice, smacking Colette between the eyes.
Lilly coughed and gasped for air. Then she grabbed her glass of water, taking a large gulp.
“Please continue, Madam Love,” Colette said, wiping her forehead as if nothing happened.
Lilly set down her water. “That’s really not necessary. I’m not in any danger. You must be picking up vibes from someone else.”
What was she saying? As if Lilly believed Madam Love really had magical powers but was just a little off course with her GPS.
Madam Love shook her head. “It’s you. I feel it. Great, great danger . . .”
Right. Lilly had the safest life of anyone she knew. What sort of danger could she possibly encounter?
“Is there any way she can avoid the danger?” asked Colette, appearing to have bought the bull.
Lilly stood up and looked around the restaurant for hidden cameras. “Are we on one of those prank TV shows?”
Madam Love held up an index finger that appeared to be more like a warning. “Sit down and pay close attention. I will help you.” She rubbed the pyramid a few more times. “Three things will happen and then you will be out of danger. Number one, you will see a bear.”
Lilly laughed, grateful she had no food in her mouth this time. She eyed her keys in Colette’s hand, waiting for the right moment to lunge for them again. She was so out of there.
“This is not a funny matter,” said Madam Love as if she were telling Lilly to behave. “You will see a bear.”
“A bear will help me get out of danger? Pardon me, but I think the bear is the danger. And how am I going to encounter a bear in the middle of a metropolitan city that has a population of a million people? Right . . .”
Madam Love ignored Lilly and continued, obviously having plenty of experience with non-believers. “Number two, you will go for a ride in a very expensive car.”
“Okay, this is a general prediction that can happen to almost anyone. This is Silicon Valley. There are expensive cars parked at the secondhand stores. Not that big of a stretch.”
Madam Love held up her finger again and Lilly noticed the nail polish this time. A lovely purple that seemed to go well with her orange cape. “No, Lilly. Not your typical expensive car. Think another level above Mercedes and BMW. I mean expensive car.”
“You going to give me a license plate number?”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“It doesn’t matter—I’m not impressed by material things, so you will never catch me in a car like that.”
“And number three,” she continued, ignoring Lilly once again. “I see you flying on a trip out of the country soon.”
“Ha! Not even.”
A trip out of the country? Lilly couldn’t believe what this crazy
woman was saying. She was so far off base it wasn’t even funny. If Madam Love had powers she would know that Lilly was scared of flying and had never been on an airplane. She had no plans to travel now or in the foreseeable future. Or for the rest of her life.
“And after these three things happen?” asked Colette. “She’s safe?”
Madam Love nodded. “Then she will meet the man of her dreams. Her future husband.”
Another shrimp flew out of Lilly’s mouth, this time connecting with Madam Love’s chest, before dropping to the front of her shirt.
Madam Love wiped her cape. “I really need to tell you these things when you’re in between bites.”
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need to hear any more. There are no bears anywhere close by. I don’t ride in fancy cars. And I’m not going on any trips out of the country, so that eliminates your last prediction of me meeting a husband.”
“Well…” Madam Love shrugged. “You could be right.”
“See? You’re already going back on what you said!”
Madam Love shook her head. “Not at all. I see a husband in your future. The man will make an appearance soon when you travel out of the country—I’m sure of it. Your soul mate. It will be up to you to do something about it—nobody can force you. You need to make that decision for yourself. But be warned . . . if you go against what is meant for you, if you try to fight it, you will suffer and continue to live a very unhappy life.”
“Right!” Lilly said, wiping her mouth and taking another swig of water. “What you’re telling me is crazy and has no chance of happening. I’m happy the way my life is at this moment.” Madam Love just stared until Lilly felt uncomfortable. The woman was very good at intimidation but Lilly wouldn’t stand for it. “Everything is fine.”
