by Reilly, Cora
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t but at the same time I knew it was too much to deal with alone. I gave a sharp nod, hoping I wouldn’t come to regret this.
“Let me grab a tea as well and then we can settle on the sofa, all right?” Aria lightly touched my shoulder, waiting for me to say something. I nodded eventually. Grabbing my tea, I went ahead and sank down. Aria soon joined me with her own cup and made herself comfortable next to me. Maybe it was my imagination but it felt as if she was looking at me differently already. As if I wasn’t just Gianna anymore, but pregnant Gianna. Aria sipped at her tea. Maybe she hoped I’d bridge the topic but I wasn’t even sure where to begin.
“Is there anything you want to talk about? Any questions?”
I set my tea down on the table, biding my time. “It’s not that I don’t like kids,” I said. “I love your kids, you know that? And I love Lily’s kid. I just never wanted them myself.”
Aria touched my knee. “I know, Gianna. I get it. You don’t have to justify yourself, okay?”
“When you and Lily played with dolls and pretended to be their mothers, I never got it. I never wondered how it would be to be a mother. When I saw you with your babies, I never imagined how it would be if I was in your stead. Motherhood just never was the plan. I don’t want responsibility for someone else. The mafia takes away so much of our freedom and I worked so hard to carve out small freedoms for myself, but a child would take those away.”
“Sometimes things don’t work out how we plan them,” Aria said.
I gave her a look. “Don’t say something like it’s fate or maybe this child is something I never knew I needed.”
“I wasn’t going to. Hear me out,” she said quickly. “I won’t tell you that you will magically love motherhood once the baby is there, because it isn’t like that for everyone. Some women regret becoming mothers. They don’t admit it aloud because they fear to be judged. As women, we are supposed to love being mothers without reservation. As mothers, we are supposed to be perfect. The moment we are pregnant, people think our body is their business and the second the baby is there everyone knows how to raise it better than you. Being a mother is hard. I lost count of the times I cried when Amo was a baby and wouldn’t stop wailing.”
My eyes widened. “You never told me.”
“Only Luca knows because he had to talk me off the edge several times,” she whispered. “I didn’t want to admit that I was overwhelmed. I thought I needed to handle this, after all, Amo wasn’t my first child, so why was I suddenly so overwhelmed? But I was, and I was guilty because of it, and worried I was being a bad mother not just for him but also for Marcella because suddenly she had to share my attention…” She sighed. “Without Luca, I wouldn’t have gotten through it. Hormones and emotional overload are a dangerous combination. I’m not sure, maybe I was even teetering on the edge of postpartum depression…”
“Should you be telling me this?” I asked confused, but I was incredibly grateful that she did, that she was taking me seriously and not trying to sugarcoat things. “Shouldn’t you tell me how wonderful it is to be a mother? That I’ll hear angels sing the moment I see my child, that I’ll love my shredded vajayjay, my sore nipples, my sleepless nights and all the poop and vomit?”
She let out a small laugh. “I love my children. There are so many wonderful moments I cherish. I love being a mother, and maybe you’ll love it too, but maybe you won’t. There will be wonderful moments and very hard ones. For me the hard ones are worth it because the wonderful moments outweigh everything else, but I can’t tell you if it’ll be the same for you. That’s for you and Matteo to decide.”
I hugged Aria tightly. “Thank you so much, Aria. I don’t tell you often enough but I love you.”
Aria’s arms shook around me and I heard her sniffle and my own eyes watered. “No crying,” I said firmly, pulling back.
Aria smiled tearfully. “You should remind yourself.”
I frowned. “See, pregnancy hormones are already ruining my life.”
She shook her head, then her smile vanished. “When’s the appointment?”
I swallowed. “Next week.”
“If you want me to come with you, tell me, okay?”
I squeezed her hand. “Thank you, but I think Matteo and I need to handle this as a couple,” I whispered. “And Aria, please don’t tell Lily. I don’t want more people to know about this, and I really don’t want to cause her emotional turmoil in her state. I want her to enjoy her pregnancy one-hundred-percent and not feel guilty for sharing her joy.”
“I won’t. It’s your decision if and when you want to share this with her.”
Gianna
The days seemed to stick together like glue, passing in excruciating slowness. I barely slept at night, my brain working in overdrive. I didn’t really feel pregnant and yet I felt different. Something was happening in my body that I had absolutely no control over. Matteo and I didn’t talk about the “p” or the “a” word. We tried to pretend everything was business as usual until the day arrived. A day supposed to relieve me of a burden that still felt a burden in itself.
We didn’t talk on our way to the clinic. Matteo wasn’t the quiet type and I wasn’t sure if he was silent for my sake or his. Matteo’s hand was firm around mine as we walked into the building and he didn’t release me when we settled on the uncomfortable chairs in the sterile waiting area of the clinic. We were alone in the clinic. Luca and Matteo had made sure no other patients would be around when I had my appointment. I knew Luca didn’t want word to get out about this. The Famiglia would be in uproar if people found out I’d gotten rid of a baby even though Matteo and I were married. I could guess the kind of speculations that would create. Was she pregnant with another man’s child? My reputation was still bad because of my escape all those years ago, and I doubted it would ever improve, but this could ruin me for good. I didn’t care. Not about my reputation, that is. I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore. The last few days had passed in a blur.
“Mrs. Vitiello, you can come in now,” a nurse said. Her voice was polite but her expression held tension and whenever her eyes darted to Matteo, even fear. I didn’t even want to know what Luca and Matteo had told the clinic staff to ensure their discretion.
Matteo rose and after a moment of hesitation, I did the same. Matteo’s hand around mine was warm and strong, and his face was reassuring. Again I tried to find his true feelings in his eyes but they were guarded in a way I hadn’t seen in a long time.
He led me toward the treatment room but I froze in the doorway, my eyes landing on the treatment chair I’d soon find myself in for the examination before the actual abortion. My chest clenched and I could barely breathe. Matteo peered at me, his brows drawing together. “Gianna?”
I swallowed and shook my head slowly. “I can’t,” I whispered.
The nurse stepped back to give us privacy. Matteo moved very close, shielding me from the room and its occupants, a doctor and another nurse, with his tall frame. “It’s okay. Whatever you do, it’ll be okay.”
I shook my head again. “I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want a child.”
Matteo frowned. “Okay.”
“But I can’t do this. I can’t get rid of it.”
“Okay,” Matteo said again but I could tell that he was confused.
“I just can’t.” I knew I’d feel guilty because it wasn’t like money was a problem. We had enough money so a dozen nannies could raise the kid. Matteo’s and my life wouldn’t even change… but I knew that even that wasn’t an option. I was confused and overwhelmed. “I can’t,” I said again, taking a step back.
Matteo nodded. “All right. I’ll settle things with the doctors. Why don’t you wait in the car?”
He held out his keys and I took them, then turned and walked out of the clinic. My feet carried me on their own and finally I found myself in the car, on the driver’s seat. I felt like everything was shifting, as if the grou
nd was being pulled from under my feet. I needed time to think about this, needed time to come to terms with the raging emotions inside of me. This was it. I’d grow a baby I didn’t even want.
I could barely see the street ahead of me through my tear-blurry vision. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matteo’s name flashing across my phone screen. I ignored it. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I wasn’t sure what to say when I barely knew what I felt. Despair and guilt were very high on the list, but so many more emotions battled for attention as well.
I wasn’t sure how long I drove around aimlessly until finally my tear-swollen eyes forced me to pull over. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt like this, the last time I’d cried this hard.
Eventually, I steered the car back to our apartment building. My legs shook like leaves in the wind as I staggered into our penthouse and sank down on the floor with my back against the wall.
Thirty minutes later, Luca of all people found me ugly crying in the same spot. Of course, he still had the security code.
I’d thought I’d gotten a grip on myself after the car ride but once I found myself back in our home, all walls broke down.
Luca’s gray eyes settled on me, his face impassive.
“What? No assholy comment?” I snapped, embarrassed that he saw me like this. Even in front of Aria and Matteo I hardly showed so much emotion.
“Matteo went insane with worry over you,” Luca said as he towered over me.
“I sent him a text message.” I wasn’t sure how coherent it had been but I had definitely showed him I was alive.
“I need time to think, that was supposed to set him at ease?” Luca muttered.
I shrugged and wrapped my arms tighter around my legs. A wave of nausea crept up but I forced it back. I wasn’t sure if it was the first signs of pregnancy or my inner turmoil.
Luca released a low breath. “You are not alone. You have Matteo. You have family, Gianna. We have your back.”
“I still don’t want to raise the kid. I don’t want to be a mother… but I just can’t get rid of it. What am I supposed to do now?”
“Aria suspected something like that.”
Of course, she did. Aria had a sixth sense when it came to me.
“But how can I give birth to a baby and then give it away?”
“You won’t give it away—”
I glared up at him but he continued, “Because Aria and I talked about it, and we’re going to adopt it.”
My eyes grew wide. “You… what?” I tried to understand what he was offering. “But you can’t even stand me.”
Luca and I got along better than in the past and I was fairly sure he liked me better than most of humankind, but in his case that didn’t mean much.
Luca let out a dark laugh. He crouched before me, still a fucking giant. “Aria and I will love that child as if it was our own. We will protect it and make sure it has everything it needs. It doesn’t even have to know that we aren’t its parents. If you and Matteo want to keep it a secret, the child won’t ever have to know it isn’t ours. I swear I’ll do everything in my power to protect your child, Gianna. I swear it’ll be safe and loved.” He touched his chest over his tattoo, and for a moment I considered hugging him. Luckily for both of us, he broke the moment and straightened to his full height.
It took a moment before I could speak. “You know, Luca, I like you more than I let on most of the time,” I said in a shaky voice.
Luca held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet. “Same. When you don’t say anything annoying I find you more than tolerable,” he said dryly.
I choked on a laugh. “Why thank you. How often does that happen?”
He shrugged. “Once or twice per month.”
I laughed. Luca’s own mouth pulled into a smile but as quickly as it had come it disappeared. “Don’t do this again. Don’t ever run off like that. It’s also Matteo’s baby, Gianna, and the asshole loves you with all of his heart. If something happened to you, he’d lose it.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I was just overwhelmed. I never planned for any of this to happen.”
Luca nodded. “It’s what it is. You are pregnant and you’ll keep the kid, and you and Matteo will give it to Aria and me if you agree on it.”
“Does Matteo know what you just told me?”
“No, I haven’t talked to him about it yet. First you two will have to settle things between you.”
He was right. The elevator began moving and a minute later the doors slid open and Matteo stepped out. His hair was plastered to his head from his helmet and his eyes were wild. Luca stepped back from me and walked away but not before he touched Matteo’s shoulder briefly and they exchanged a look. He disappeared inside the elevator and left.
“Fuck, Gianna,” Matteo rasped as he stalked toward me and jerked me against him, then kissed me harshly, shoving me into the wall as he gripped my hips in a crushing hold.
He pulled away, breathing harshly. “You promised you’d never fucking run again.”
“I didn’t run,” I protested. “I needed time to myself to think this through. It’s a lot to stomach.”
“Not just for you,” Matteo said quietly.
Guilt filled me. I cupped his face. “I know. I’m sorry. I keep messing up. It’s in my nature. That’s why I shouldn’t become a mother.”
He released a breath. “Don’t say that. We’ll figure this out. Together.”
“Together,” I agreed. I kissed him again, then pulled back. “Luca offered that he and Aria adopt our baby.”
Matteo took a step back, but didn’t let go of me. “He did?”
I nodded. “What do you think?”
Matteo frowned. “I don’t know. Do you think you can see the child every day and have it call someone else Mom?”
I wasn’t sure. “But it’s a good option.”
“Yeah. The child needs protection, and Luca and Aria are amazing parents.”
“They are,” I agreed softly and searched Matteo’s eyes for a hint to his true feelings. “Will you be okay with it? With Luca acting as the baby’s father and not you?”
Matteo glanced to the side, his brows drawing together. “How should I know?”
Yes, how? How should either of us know how we’d deal with this pregnancy and with the aftermath? “We’ll figure it out,” I murmured.
Matteo kissed me again. “We will.”
I linked our fingers. In the last thirteen years we’d gone through so much, nothing as challenging as this would be, but with Matteo at my side, everything would be fine.
Matteo
When I woke the morning after the canceled appointment, I was alone in bed. Immediately my heart rate picked up, worrying that Gianna had gone off on her own again. Yesterday I’d almost gone crazy.
I shoved out of bed and rushed down the staircase to the living area but slowed when I spotted Gianna sitting in a lounge chair on the roof terrace. I headed for the glass door and slid it open. Despite the early morning, the humid heat settled like grease on my skin.
Gianna turned her head, looking my way. She was still without makeup and her eyes were puffy from crying yesterday. “Hey,” she murmured.
“Hey.” I went over to her and Gianna made room on the chair for me, so I could squeeze in and fold her into my arms. Gianna sank into me at once, which wasn’t like her.
“How are you feeling?”
“Good,” she said then amended. “Better than yesterday anyway. I thought about Luca’s offer all night and about what it would mean for us… and I think it’s the best possible solution for everyone.”
I stroked her bare arm. “Aria and Luca will take great care of it, and we’ll get to watch it grow up.”
Gianna’s brows furrowed. “Yeah.” She searched my eyes.
“If you’re absolutely sure, we should tell Aria and Luca so they can prepare for the new situation,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
“Like you said it’s
the best solution for everyone,” I said. I wasn’t sure how things would change once the baby was there and I had to watch Luca be its dad. I couldn’t really imagine myself as a father either, though. I liked the general idea of being a dad. The fun things, but just from watching Luca and Aria I knew there were plenty of hard moments as well.
“Okay, then I’ll call Aria.”
“I have a meeting with Luca today anyway. I’ll have a talk with him then as well.”
Gianna stayed in my arms for a few more heartbeats before she pulled away and stood to grab her phone from the kitchen counter. I headed over to the railing and let my gaze wander over New York. We’d said yes to the baby, but at the same time no. I was relieved but at the same time worried.
Luca and I met in his office in the Sphere to discuss a few alarming developments with the Tartarus MC. Since Luca had annihilated their chapter in New Jersey they had laid low for years but now some of the other chapters, especially their mother chapter in Texas, had sent out scouts into the area.
Luca suspected they were rebuilding a New York and New Jersey chapter. Right now they were still a scattered assortment of drunkards and idiots.
I took off my helmet as I strolled through the bar area toward the hidden backrooms. Luca sat behind his desk chair, his open laptop in front of him. He closed it the moment I entered.
“Any new developments?” I asked.
Luca narrowed his eyes. “Business can wait.”
I sighed and plopped down in one of the comfortable leather chairs.
“Gianna told Aria this morning that you two decided to give us the baby.”
Give them the baby. It sounded like handing over car keys. I nodded. “It’s the best possible solution for everyone.”
