by K. C. Hamby
“I know. And I plan to, if you do decide to allow me the honor of earning your forgiveness. You are so strong now. I have no doubt you could destroy Zeus if he came for you.” A silver tear slips down her face and she grabs my right arm gently, rubbing her soft fingers down the jagged scar. “I want to give you something, if you will allow me.”
I turn and wipe my eyes on Fal’s shirt since I blew the tissue into a crumpled mess. Hopefully, I’m not getting my snotty nose on the fabric.
I decide not to say anything to Selene in return. She wants to give me a gift? How could that make up for abandoning me?
Selene nods as if she understands my silence. She adjusts herself so she is propped up on her knees and holds out her hands now clasped together.
When she opens them, white smoke materializes on her palm.
It takes me a few seconds to understand the shape.
A wolf of white light and smoke has manifested in her hand. I stare at her for so long, my eyes water and she seems to be staring right back. I can tell she’s as curious and confused as I am somehow.
“What is that?” I finally ask when no one decides to explain the wispy wolf of light.
“You have characteristics of a Lupi, but you are not able to shift. You have heard that inner voice as it tells you to protect your Mate. When Persephone gave you the gift of immortality, you gained tremendous strength and speed, but there is not a wolf within you.”
“Like I need a reminder.”
The white wolf in her palm lies down as if listening to us speak. I want to reach out and touch her so badly. I want to pet her smoky fur.
“It is because you do not have the essence of a wolf in your soul. You were not born with it as Lupi were. And that is what this is. I want to give you the essence. If you will have it.”
The wolf looks up to Selene before setting her eyes on me once more. It’s like she’s asking me a question with the tilt of her head.
“I...What does that mean exactly?” Do they tell them in goddess school that they have to be vague or something?
“It means you will be Lupi if you do so choose to accept.”
My breath halts in my lungs.
“You will have a wolf form.”
Chapter 52
Nina
This is it.
This is what I have been wanting for so long. But can I take it from Selene? It in no way would make up for what she has done.
I should refuse.
I need to refuse. She can’t just…win my forgiveness by pulling on something I’m insecure about. Something I cried myself to sleep for months wanting and never thought I could have…
I’m going to refuse.
“Nina, can I talk to you for a second?” Fal asks, pulling me out of my muddled thoughts.
I can’t even respond, so I nod my head and allow her to pull me by my hand into the trees where we have some privacy. When she turns around, her right eye is completely clouded.
Fal. My Fal.
“I know you are thinking about refusing her offer,” she starts, and I open my mouth to object, “Nina, I know you. You were practically screaming it at me in your head. You are so stubborn.”
“You’re not wrong,” I mumble and hang my head.
“When will you have another opportunity like this? I know how badly you want to be Lupi. I want you to be Lupi. I want to share everything about me with you.”
She wraps my hands in hers and holds them to her chest. Her heart beats strong beneath my fingertips.
“I know how upset it made you when you realized you would never shift. I was there, holding you as you cried yourself to sleep; I was there as you talked in your dreams about wanting this almost more than anything. I woke you up when your nightmares of me leaving because you couldn’t shift made you scream.” She squeezes my hands and gives me her wonderfully soft smile. “I was there. And I’m here now. Talk to me.”
Those eyes are so loving as they rest on my face it aches my chest.
“I know I want it,” I blurt and right myself before I spiral into a panic attack. “But Fal, she wasn’t there when all of that stuff happened. Do you know how badly I needed a mama? I mean, I had my dad, but it’s not the same. And she took that opportunity, that safety, away from me.”
“But she did do it to protect you,” Fal counters, tilting her head as she does when she thinks she has made a good point.
“Yeah, you remember how well that worked out for you?” My brows furrow and her eyes widen for a second before she nods, conceding.
“Okay, that’s fair.”
I bite my bottom lip and stare at the ground, gently pulling my hands from her grasp. My heart is racing, putting even the fastest cheetah to shame. It’s starting to make me dizzy.
“Do you want to try and have a relationship with her?” Fal finally asks when I say nothing for a long time.
“No!” I scream, but Fal doesn’t flinch; she just raises a brow. “I mean, I don’t think so.”
She crosses her arms over her chest.
“Kinda?”
She looks at her nails like she’s bored.
“Ugh, fine. Yes, I do. But I’m terrified. What if she leaves again?”
“Then she’ll have Death hunting her for the rest of eternity,” Fal growls, but it’s playful in its menace. “You know what you want to do. I know when you’ve made up your mind.” She rubs her thumb between my eyebrows, and I relax my face.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’ll be with you the whole time,” she whispers and holds out her hand.
I take it and follow her out of the woods, my fingers trembling in her strong palms.
Selene and Hecate are talking in low voices to each other until they see us. Selene seems...hopeful and it makes me want to puke.
“Well, what do you say?” Selene asks, walking toward me a few steps.
Fal’s possessive growl is deep and ragged. I elbow her in the ribs to make her stop.
Sorry, she whispers across my thoughts. Just my natural reaction as your Mate, you know.
I wiggle my nose before I address Selene.
“I….” I falter, lungs becoming heavy, and look up at Fal. She winks and smiles down at me, assuring me that this is the right decision. I give her a small smile back and turn to Selene. “I accept.”
Her goddess smile beams so wide, it hurts my heart.
“But this in no way makes up for what you did to me. What you did to Dad,” I add quickly.
Her smile drops a bit. “No, I mikrí mou agápi. I did not expect it to. But I will spend my whole immortal life trying if you allow me.”
“Hmph,” pushes between Fal’s teeth.
What did she call me? I ask since Fal is oh so fluent in Greek.
As are all Lupi.
My little love.
I swallow the sorrow crawling up my throat at Fal’s reply.
Oh. Great.
“So, um…” I twirl my hair around my finger, not wanting to decide if I want to let her make it up to me or not. “Will I be like a real Lupi?”
Selene laughs a little. It’s like witch’s bells and twinkling stars. “Yes and no.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You will be Lupi, but you will not be driven by the same bloodlust they are. Violence is in their blood, after all.” She gestures to Fal before looking to Hecate. “I love my sister, but we are not the same. I will not have the darkness consume you. This essence is coming from the brighter side of the moon. My side.”
“So, what’s the catch, then?”
“Magick always has a price, Prophetess,” Hecate interjects, and her eyes seem to sadden. “We aren’t sure of what it is until it happens.”
The lying alarms ring in my head. She knows the price, but it’s not my problem, so I say nothing.
“But I will pay the debt,” Selene assures me. “It’s the least I can do.”
All the end of the world, butterfly-effect movies I’ve watched flash in my mind.
> “I’m not going to start an apocalypse of some kind, am I?”
This time, Hecate chuckles. “No. You will not. Giving you the essence of a wolf is not equivalent to an apocalypse.”
I mean, my gut isn’t telling me not to do this…
“Okay, I’ll do it.” I squeeze Fal’s hand super hard, and she squeezes right back.
“Step forward, I mikrí mou agápi,” Selene orders.
I do. I let go of Fal’s hand, but she grabs my wrist and pulls me back.
“Fal…”
But I’m cut off by her lips pressing to mine. Her hands caress my cheeks as she pulls back. “I love you,” she whispers as she smooths my hair away from my face. “Nina, it’s going to hurt. I won’t lie to you. Shifting for the first time is fucking horrible.”
Nausea rolls in my stomach. Crap. I forgot about the painful part. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I’ll be right here with you. When you are scared, just look at me. I’ll never leave you. I promise.” She smiles softly before kissing my forehead.
“I love you, Faligator.”
She releases her hold on me, but not before poking me in the side.
I deeply sigh and walk toward Selene and, despite my raging nerves, I say, “I’m ready.”
The wolf of white light and smoke materializes in her hands once more when she opens them. It circles on her palm before sitting and silently howling at an invisible moon. “Go home,” Selene whispers and the wolf grows excited, doing the little dance I call tippy tappies, before it leaps off her hand.
It runs through the air toward me and circles several times, brushing against my arms, my face…it’s almost like a cat. Love, acceptance, and excitement bloom inside of me and, somehow, I know it’s the wolf’s emotions.
She floats in front of my face for a moment, just staring and radiating more exhilaration.
And she lunges into my chest.
“Oh, jesus,” I gasp at the sudden force and hold my hand over the piercing pain before hitting my knees.
My heart speeds up and my breaths become shorter. I’m sure I’m going to pass out and I’m having trouble even staying upright on my knees. It’s like I’ve just gotten off that spinny spaceship ride at the county fair.
And…it starts.
I watch in horrified fascination as my hands change first; sharp nails stabbing through the ends of my fingers and digging into the dirt when I pitch forward. I keep in my whimper and let tears fall down my cheeks as my hands distort and bend. I wretch but nothing comes out of my mouth.
Nothing. Not even a breath.
I don’t think I remember how to breathe anymore.
My arms splinter and shift in front of my eyes. And, with an awful arch, my back breaks.
The sound is bubble wrap under heavy feet.
I have never felt a pain like this. It’s like I’m on fire as sharp needles dig into my bones, snapping and jabbing everything in their path, ripping through every muscle, fiber, and wisp of my soul.
The fear hits me tenfold. I thought I was scared before.
I was way wrong.
This pain is never going to stop, is it? I’m going to die like this, all deformed half human half wolf thing. I’ll have to be cremated so my daddy doesn’t know I was almost a wolf. And then I’ll never see him again. I’ll…
Fal is suddenly in front of me, on the ground. She’s not touching me, but she is staring straight into my eyes, her cheek pressed firmly against the cold dirt.
“You are okay. It is almost over, Nina. You’re doing so well. You can do it. You’re too goddamn strong not to.”
I want to laugh, but it hurts too much.
“Don’t fight it. Let it take you,” she whispers.
And I let out a hard breath, relaxing my body as much as possible.
I slam onto the ground in a heap, open mouth full of dirt and grass. I’m disoriented and the world is spinning, quaking beneath me.
Or am I shaking that much?
I lift my hand to pull the stuff from my mouth, but a white paw smacks me in the face.
What the….
I open my mouth to talk, but only weird barks come out.
I sit up so fast I nearly fall over again.
“Whoa, take it slow. You’re okay.” It’s Fal again, squatting in front of me with pure adoration on her wonderful face. “You...are beautiful,” she murmurs.
I look down at my chest and there is bright white fur. Four white paws and long white legs.
Oh.
I look around us, but Selene and Hecate are gone. Maybe they wanted to give me privacy to shift for the first time.
Right. Okay. I’m a wolf. I stare down at my trembling legs. Um, how do I walk?
“It’s not as hard as you think it is. Stand up.”
I snort at her and she sticks her tongue out at me before gesturing me up with her hands.
“Come on. Try.”
I push my butt off the ground and stand, but I’m so wobbly. I almost overdo it and send my face straight into the ground again. After a minute of standing, though, I get more comfortable. By comfortable, I mean I’m not shaking like an earthquake is rumbling through my bones.
“Good, now try to walk,” Fal orders, smiling down at me.
I’m still shorter than her. No fair.
I look down at my feet, contemplating how I make four legs move instead of two. My human brain can’t comprehend the action because all it knows is how to tell the muscles to move in two legs.
So, let’s take the human factor out. Surely, I now have a cool wolfy brain that knows what’s going on. I tap into the primal being within me, allowing her to come forward. She’s supportive and eager, excited to help me.
And I just go for it, wobbling the whole ten steps. But I do it. I walk. And it’s not as hard as I thought it would be, just like Fal said.
I look up with my tongue out in a grin at my accomplishment, but Fal is now her wolf, wagging her black fluffy tail. She’s so pretty and huge. I’m like half her size, but that’s not surprising, I guess. She’s a lot taller than me in her person form.
My butt wiggles back and forth. I turn around to look at why the hell my wolf body is deciding to dance right now.
My white, fluffy tail is wagging too.
Not dancing. I’m just excited.
Cause I’m a freakin’ wolf!
Fal trots up to me and licks my face.
I can’t help it when I snuggle into her chest and something in my chest grumbles. It’s a vibration from my heart reverberating off my ribcage and up my throat. I think it means I’m happy. Which I am. I have Fal with me.
And, again, I’m a freakin’ wolf!
She snuggles me back for a good ten seconds before she yanks on my ear with her teeth and dances away, play bowing in front of me, taunting me with her hanging tongue and waggy tail.
I shake my head and huff. My ears flick backwards as I glare at her.
Jerk.
She laughs in my mind.
I play bow back, but nearly fall over. Fal snorts, but stays in her position, waiting for me to play.
I launch myself at her and she yelps, clearly not expecting me to tackle her. We roll over, taking turns pinning each other like lion cubs playing in the grass.
But she lands on top of me when we stop rolling.
Gotcha, she chuckles and licks all over my face.
I put my paws under her and shove.
She lands in a heap beside me and I jump on top of her.
You were saying? I counter and give her a revenge lick.
She pushes me off with her front paws and pulls on my tail when I land on the ground. I snap my teeth at her, but she dances away with a wolfy grin, clearly enjoying toying with me. I run at her, but trip and fall over my unsure legs, rolling in the dirt until I stop right in front of her front paws.
My skin flames beneath my fur. I bet I’ve turned pink.
Fal pulls her tongue back in her mouth and tilts her head to t
he side.
You okay?
I don’t reply. Instead, I make myself whine low. Fal stiffens before leaning in close to me.
She yelps when I jump up and tackle her, pulling her tail when she has fully fallen on her jerk butt. She snaps at me, but I jump back, play bowing with my wiggly tail flapping.
“Nini?” sounds from somewhere behind us.
I fall over onto my side trying to turn around. Fal is over me in a second and her eyes are wide when I look up at her. The feeling of utter doom I get when I miss a step going down the stairs shakes my muscles and shoots through my nerves.
I can’t breathe.
How do I change back?
Go hide in the bushes is Fal’s reply.
Fal! Tell me!
Panic takes over as I’m hearing my dad’s footsteps getting closer to our spot. I turn around to look at Fal and she is in her person form.
“Go hide in the bushes. I’ve got this. Now, go,” she whispers and stands up tall, fixing her jacket and flipping her braid behind her shoulder. She licks her thumb and wipes away lingering blood on her face.
I glance at her one more time before wobble-running to the bushes. I crawl under so I am concealed, but I can still see Fal.
“Nini?” my dad calls again and fear grumbles in my stomach. He walks into the clearing, confused and…
With his rifle?
I whimper in my spot and Fal twitches in response.
“Oh, hey Charlie,” Fal greets and waves awkwardly, but a smile crosses her face. She eyes the gun for a split second before meeting my dad’s eyes again, probably calculating how long she would have to disarm him before he shoots her.
The thought alone makes me nauseous.
“What the hell are ya doin’ out here?” Dad grumbles clearly annoyed he isn’t asleep.
“Oh, well Nina and I sometimes can’t sleep, so we take a walk at night when it happens.” She sighs and looks disappointed, but sarcastically. “This time she thought it would be funny to play hide and seek.” She looks around and shrugs. “I’m obviously losing.”
I snort and now my dad twitches.
Nina, hush.
Sorry.
