by Galia Albin
Chapter 22
Talia stood by the open bedroom window. It was drizzling outside, as usual, and she pointed to the wet trees and bushes and whispered softly to Udi. He stood next to her, two and half years old, his body already beginning to assume his father’s lanky shape. His eyes were brown, like Jonathan’s and the same captivating curl tumbled onto his forehead. “Mommy, I want to see. Pick me up,” he lifted himself on tiptoes and hugged her knees.
“You know Mommy can’t do that, sweetie.” She’d been extremely fatigued lately and it was Jenny that carried him in her arms when necessary. Talia bent down and kissed his hair. “Wait. Jenny will come and take you to the yard. Her, the rain has stopped.”
“But Jenny’s not here, and I want to see the wet trees.”
She couldn’t resist his pleas, and when she picked him up and placed him on her hip, she felt a sharp pain in the small of her back. She tried to contain the pain, but then Udi pulled himself away from here and was ready to jump. Had she not grabbed forcefully, he might have slipped, perhaps fallen out the window.
She felt one giant wave of pain and then a series of smaller ones, fat and furious. Holding onto the child, she fumbled her way to the bed. Feeling dizzy, anxious and weak she asked herself if she could still trust herself with her children, but she knew the answer: yes, she was a good mother as long as Jonathan was at her side. Without him, she felt scared, insecure and helpless.
The phone rang. It was Jonathan again, calling from Zurich. The last few trips, he had phoned her several times a day.
“Talinka, is everything all right?” His voice sounded cheery and carefree, and his lighthearted tone irritated her. He is not here and he has no idea what I’m going through, she thought.
“Are you okay? You haven’t answered, Tali.”
“Yeah, sure. Why are you asking?”
“I’m at the bank now. I have a secret account with a lot of money in it. I want to tell you the number, just in case. I’m transferring to your name, say, three hundred thousand, okay? We’ll talk about this later, for now I want you to be a good girl,” he urged her. “Take a piece of paper and write down the details: the bank’s name and your account number, and whatever the bank clerk tells you...”
“Jonathan, are you out of your mind? What do I need so much for?”
“Talia, do me a favor. Get a pen and write it down.”
“I don’t have the strength right now to get up and look for pen and paper...”
“Talinka, is everything all right? Your voice sounds funny. Are you feeling okay?”
“I feel fine. Don’t be a pain. Michali is crying. I have to go now,” she lied, gently putting the phone back in its cradle.
Everything, indeed, was fine; she hadn’t lied. The house was fully equipped, the pantries were full, the housekeeper and the nanny did an excellent job; Na’ama prospered at school. Udi was about to join a local community playgroup. Talia even found time to attend a course on cinema with Orit.
But at the same time, things were not fine. In fact, lately, nothing was going right. The children were getting sick all the time, and she was afflicted by a strange fatigue. She didn’t even make it to most of the courses she’d signed up for. She could not, would not, leave Jenny the responsibility of caring alone for the three children. Just making sure they took their medication on time, she thought, was a full-time job. And on top of it, the nausea, the fatigue... if only she was pregnant, she wouldn’t worry, she’d understand why she felt so awful. And he asks if everything is okay! How can he be so insensitive, so impervious to her feelings?
Usually when he went on a trip, they made love over the phone. It aroused her when he called her by their secret, pet names and described— with his real mouth— how he’d move his fantasy one over her entire body. She, in her own right, could talk sexy, and he loved her long-distance scenarios. When he came home to her, he was eager and enthusiastic, prepped to make love, as though they’d engaged in foreplay.
She missed these intimate chats; the very thought of them made her blush. But on this trip, his mind was obviously elsewhere. Once again, he’d gone off to visit his mother in Zurich. Why was it so urgent? Talia sat on the bed, the phone still in hand, and cried. Udi looked at her, terrified. The pain was getting worse. “Go downstairs, darling,” she told Udi, “Jenny will make supper for you.” With great effort, she got up and led him to the top of the stairs.
Then she lay down on the bed, writhing in pain, until she mercifully fell asleep.
