I can see that he’s searching for a way out of this, but he’s a true man, and in the end, he sags, accepting the blame for his actions and at the same time, accepting that he may not be able to rescue Allie from me, though it is only in his mind that she needs a savior.
He’s a good brother. He wants to simply grab Allie and leave, but he knows as well as I do that she won’t stand for that. She won’t leave with him any more than she’ll stay with me simply because we want that.
I just wish I knew which way she was leaning, but her expression gives nothing away, her beautiful face a mask as she processes tonight’s events and fills in blanks on the past couple of weeks that have now become clear.
My phone rings, and I know I need to answer it. I don’t want to leave them alone, don’t want to give TJ the advantage of free influence with Allie’s mind, but if she can be so easily swayed, then perhaps it’s for the best.
“Excuse me. I need to take this.”
I stand, giving TJ a glance, and despite his obvious fury at my liberties, I lean down to press a kiss to Allison’s temple, breathing her in. She sighs softly at my touch, relaxing even as she presses up to me.
I’d wager she’s unaware she’s done so, but both TJ and I realize it and recognize what it means.
She is mine.
Chapter 26
Allie
As soon as Dominick is out of the room, TJ turns to me, struggling to keep his voice down. “What the fuck, Allie? Did you know he was the leader of the Mob?”
The unbridled anger in his voice makes me cringe a little, but arguing with TJ is the most familiar thing I’ve had happen to me tonight, and the steel at my core springs quickly to life.
“What the fuck to you, TJ?”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, so I reform what I’m saying and try again. “I’m serious, what the fuck? What part of this is where you get to give me a hard time for who I’m dating after what you got your dumb ass mixed up in? He’s the one who rescued you from some really shady shit tonight, TJ.”
“I—”
I growl, popping him in the chest. “You’re fucked mentally from what Janine did, I get that. But you told me you’ve still got a career in the Army. What happened tonight was your best-case scenario! Option one was that you’d get caught by some patrol car and end up dishonorably discharged and in prison for human trafficking. Option two was that you actually delivered those women and children into hell. But no, thanks to Dominick, those people are safe, you’re not in prison, and you’re also not dead. So wipe that look off your face. I think I’m the one who gets to ask you ‘What the fuck?’ this time.”
TJ jumps up from the couch, pacing and tugging at his hair in frustration. “I didn’t know! I met Tony and Robbie at the bar, and yeah, I hung out with Tony a bit. He said he understood. He got Jodie’d by his girl while he was in Iraq himself. So we talked about tours and shit. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, he told me he was working with an underground group, running missions to smuggle people to safety. He knew a couple of guys from Central America, and he said that whatever you see on the news, the reality is even worse. So I thought I was helping. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could do something good, be something good.”
My voice softens at the vehemence of his confession, and I get up, still pissed but understanding that he’d acted with good intentions.
“But you ended up almost getting those people sold into God knows what! TJ, you are good. A good man, a good soldier, a good brother, but this is messed up.”
He can’t hear me over the thoughts in his own head, a trait that seems to run in the family. He mutters to himself, “Not a good man if I almost fucked those people over like that. Not a good brother if I’ve let you get tangled up with whatever Mob boss shit Dominick is doing! Sure as hell not a good husband, judging by the way Janine tossed me away.”
I’m not sure he even meant to say that aloud, but his words make me realize just how much he’s hurting. I don’t know the mental steps he went through that led him to all of this, but somehow, his heartbreak over Janine ended with his actions tonight. I suspect it was a combination of his desire to focus on the mission, have an impact, maybe even a bit of a confidence boost after she destroyed him.
I grab him, hugging him tightly, trying a therapy trick I learned to quiet my own demons. “Tell those voices in your head to shut up. That’s my brother they’re talking about, and I love him. I love you, Teej.”
He wraps his arms around me too, then lays his head on top of mine, squeezing me back. “How did everything get so fucked, Allie-gator?”
I don’t answer for awhile, wishing I could freeze time and figure everything out and then hit Play again. But I can’t. I pull back.
“TJ, listen to me. You are a great brother, the best I could ever wish for. Nothing will ever, ever make me stop loving you. And I am so sorry about Janine, but you’re going to move on.”
“How?” he asks, and I sigh in relief because at least this one’s easy.
“One day at a time. They taught me that, and even though it’s cliché, it’s true. But tonight, we live with it. Not forget, but forgive ourselves and live with it. You’re going to report for duty and enjoy the new assignment or put in for another one. Eventually, you’ll date again. But no matter what, you’re going to be okay. Tonight, what might’ve happened will be lesson, a reminder to find what you need inside you, not in some mission.”
His smile is grim. “You sound like a therapist.”
My lips tilt up a little, and I shrug. “Well, I’ve spent enough time with them. Speaking of which, if you need one, get one. And if you don’t wanna talk to them, I’ll be here.”
He steps back, his eyes still full of worry. “But I can’t leave you here, not with him. Don’t ask me to do that, or I’m going to throw you over my shoulder and run you out of here. It’s hard enough knowing that I couldn’t protect my sister the last time she needed me, and that was saving you from yourself. I can’t leave you with him now.” He shakes his head, remembering what Dom said. “And what’s this about a shooting?”
I shrug. I never gave TJ or my parents the details, not wanting to scare them. “Bad shit by bad men. But Dom protected me then. And in a weird way, he still is.”
TJ growls, still upset. “He’s a bad guy, Allie. You deserve better.”
I frown, putting my hands on TJ’s chest. “I don’t know what the future holds with Dominick, but I’m going to figure it out. He loves me, in his twisted way. But it’s a good twisty, like curly fries. He’ll never hurt me, I know that. More importantly, I love him, and I owe it to myself to give that a chance.”
“Do you hear the disclaimers you’re spewing?” TJ asks, still upset. “He loves me in a ‘twisted way’. It shouldn’t be like that.”
I sigh, knowing he doesn’t get it, and truthfully, may never get it. “Maybe. But it is what it is. We spend all our lives growing up with this image of what life is supposed to be. We draw it in our minds from tv shows, books, our parents, just the whole world around us. But the reality isn’t always like that. We don’t get to order it up like a burger made our way. So what about just saying fuck it and taking life as it comes to us?”
“Sounds like a recipe for madness,” TJ grumbles. “I don’t understand, Allie.”
“You don’t have to understand it to support me. Just like I supported your enlisting, even though it was the last thing I wanted for you and I didn’t understand it at the time. But Dom makes me happy, and I know you want that. And if a day comes that I’m done, that I can’t or won’t accept Dom and his life, I’ll need my brother to swoop in to help me pick up the pieces of my heart. But right now, even with all the shit from tonight, the only thing I want is for him to hold me.”
His shock is obvious. And if you’d told me that this is how tonight was going to go, I never would’ve believed it. I started out painfully separated from Dom due to his betrayal, and the violence of tonight was vicious, both things that s
hould have me making my escape. Knowing Dom is The Boss and seeing him in action are two very different things.
I’m probably in shock too, from the stark reality of what could’ve happened to those women, and definitely from seeing Tony shot right in front of me. I don’t forgive him, not Tony, not Victor, and not Dominick. But I can see the grey like Maggie said. I can understand that there are good guys on the wrong side, and sometimes even they have to do awful things for the greater good. It’s a harsh justice, but it is righteous in a dark way.
And in this moment, I know it. I’m his, no matter what. The curtain is down, the magic is gone, and he’s still all I want.
“Even after all this?” he asks. “I feel like the devil is holding your hand, and you’re asking me to just let you go because he’s nice to you and said some pretty words. But he is a monster, make no mistake.”
I take a big breath, trying to put into words what I’m feeling, trying to make him understand. “TJ, once upon a time, you told me that ballet wasn’t worth what it had done to me. It fucked up my body and fucked up my mind. You told me to walk away from it, and I could’ve done that. But I knew that ballet was my soul, and no substitute would fulfill me the way dance did. But I knew, so I worked my ass off, healed my body, which was the easy part, and eventually, I got my head right, which was so much harder. And then I found a way to dance again. A way that is healthy for me. Not the way I imagined as a child, but at Petals, and now at the studio too. Something that had been bad for me in a lot of ways, dance . . . I’ve made it into my sanctuary again, like it should’ve always been. Dominick may be bad for a lot of reasons, and to a lot of people. But he’s good for me and good to me. And that’s enough. He’s my sanctuary. Not the life I envisioned, not the one you keep telling me to chase, but one I want to live if it’s by his side.”
TJ frowns. “But if that analogy is true, what if he’s what ballet was for you back then? The thing that fucks you up again, maybe worse than before?”
It’s a thought that’s run around in my head, and I smile softly because I already have the answer. “Then I’ll have you to help me. If I could go back in time, knowing all the hell I went through, I would still start ballet. I would still want that first tutu when I was three, would want to push myself to begin pointe classes at nine, would still go on every audition that turned me down. Because it made me who I am. And TJ . . . I like who I am. If Dominick ends up being like that, something that gives me purpose, gives me joy, and then at some point destroys me, I will burn knowing that I chose it. That I wanted every moment of happiness, knowing that the devastation might come. Would you give up every happy memory you have with Janine because of how it ended? Would you trade the inside jokes, the joy you felt when you fell in love with her, the beauty of how you came together if you didn’t have to feel the pain you’re in now? Or is the loss of that happiness what makes you angry?”
I can see the shine of tears in his eyes. I hate that I’m prying at a scab that is so sensitive, but I need him to support me, even if he doesn’t understand.
“I don’t feel like I’m doing the right thing here, but I need to go and let you figure this out, don’t I?” he says, resigned to my choice.
I lift to my toes, planting a kiss to his cheek. “I’m okay, TJ. I promise.”
He sighs heavily but steps back, nodding. “Okay, I’ll trust you. I’m gonna go for a walk, call an Uber or something to go back to the hotel. I need to think some shit through. It’s been a weird night.”
I give him one more hug and he pats my back. “No matter what, I’ve got you, Allie-gator. Love you, Sis.”
I smile, my eyes puffy and burning with held-back tears, but these are happy ones. It’s not a perfect parting, but considering all the drama of the night, it’s pretty damn good.
“Love you too. And I’ve got you. And remember, my offer to beat the shit outta Janine still stands anytime you wanna take me up on it.”
“Same offer to you. Anytime you need me to, I’ll kick his ass,” he says, smiling, but the look in his eyes says he means it.
Suddenly, it feels like old times, the two of us against the world, though maybe a little wiser, a little more jaded, but at each other’s back even when we’re at each other’s throats. We’ve had some pretty major blowouts, both as kids and more recently, but in the end, we’re family and that’s all that matters. I’d kill for him, I’d die for him, I’d bring the shovel to the body-burying party, no questions asked for him, though hopefully, it never comes to any of that. Point being, he’s my brother.
He gives me a little two-fingered wave and disappears into the foyer, the door clicking quietly before closing softly.
I take a deep breath after he’s gone. I know that I figured some things out through my conversation with TJ, truly worked my way through a mental labyrinth of who I am, who I’m supposed to be, and maybe most enlightening of all, who I want to be. As to my heart, it knows exactly what it wants. But tonight was a test for me too. And honestly, I’m not sure I passed.
I walk down the hall toward Dom’s office, listening to see if he’s still on the phone but only hearing silence. The door is open and the room is deserted, so I take soft steps toward his bedroom.
When I stand in the doorway, the sight breaks my heart. Dominick, the cold, unfeeling monster that everyone fears, sits on the edge of the bed, utterly broken. His shoulders are rounded, his head hanging, agony pouring off him in waves.
“Dom?” I whisper, worried.
His head jerks up, his eyebrows lifting as he sees me, a hopeful gleam coming into his eyes. “Allison? You stayed? I thought I heard the door. I was sure you’d left.”
Now his misery makes sense and hope blooms in my heart. He thought I left him, went with TJ. I shake my head, stepping tentatively toward him. I sink to my knees before him but don’t touch him. I’m not sure if I should.
“That was TJ. I . . . I don’t want to leave. Do you want me to?”
He cups my face in his palm, and I lean into him, wanting his touch so much that I raise my hand to hold him there and close my eyes, savoring the slight rasp of the calluses on his fingertips against my cheek.
“No,” he says, his voice jagged and rough. “I don’t want you to leave. Ever. Allie, I’m yours.”
I know we have so much to talk about, and it’ll be hard, but I can face it with him. “Dom—“
Whatever I was going to say is swept away as he leans forward and steals the words with a kiss, his mouth devouring mine as he holds me in place.
I give it all to him, all words, all power, all control. With this kiss, I let him know the truth. Yes, he owns me.
The difference is that I’m giving him everything knowingly and willingly this time. No secrets, nothing held back. I want him, want his cage, however gilded or rusty it may be. As long as he lives inside it with me. We’ll have to talk, hammer out the details soon, but his kiss vows to me that we will do it together, and that’s enough for the moment.
He grabs under my arms, suddenly yanking me onto the bed and rolling, pinning me beneath his weight as his mouth consumes me even more deeply. As his mouth works at my neck, his hand creeps lower, pulling the long T-shirt up by the fistful until my panties are exposed.
I’d needed to change out of my sweats earlier, wishing I could shed the memory of the scene at the truck as easily as the clothes. I’d wanted the comfort of Dom’s scent surrounding me, but going into the living room for a difficult discussion had not seemed like the time to go commando, so I ‘d left my red panties from my stage costume on underneath his shirt. And now as he looks at me, I’m so glad I did.
Dominick groans painfully as he traces the line of them at my hip, bringing goosebumps to the surface.
“My Allison . . . so beautiful. When I saw these on your honey skin tonight, all I wanted to do was rip them off and claim you. Make sure every man in there knew exactly who you belong to.”
I bite my lip, permission given in my eyes, but while I expect
him to roughly tear them, I’m thrilled as he gently slips them down my legs, tossing them to the floor before tenderly caressing my calves, kissing the sole of my left foot as he does.
The control he has not just over me but over himself is magnificent. I’d trust him either way, rough and brutal or sweet and soft, but I know that we’re on the precipice of something here that there is no coming back from.
He kisses up my leg, soft tickles and arousing sparks alternating until he’s between my legs, his fingertips soft on my pussy as he spreads my lips. His eyes never waver as he smiles cockily.
I think to tease him about his smugness, if for no other reason than to entice him, challenge him, but he moves in too fast, his tongue tracing a wet line from my opening to my clit.
I cry out, my hands grabbing at his head to hold him there, wanting every drop of pleasure he can give me, needing that connection as I’m under his control.
He licks and sucks as I buck against him, not fighting him but fighting for more, until he smacks at my hip before pinning me with a hard grip.
I let him hold me down, let him take me higher and higher, knowing I’m going to be sent flying to heaven. He nibbles at my clit, and the sharp pain followed by the flutter of his tongue pushes me over, and I scream, my legs clamped tightly against the sides of his head. I can’t take any more and I know I’m smothering him, but I don’t care. I pull him closer even as I overload, and Dominick senses it, laying one lingering kiss to my clit like he knows it’s just on the verge of too much.
Gasping, my chest heaving, I look down at him between my thighs. He’s beautiful, his dark hair mussed from my hands, his eyes bright with depraved desires, and his mouth shiny with my juices.
He’s a monster. My monster, obsessed with me in a way that should terrify me. But as he prowls up my body, I’m not scared. I’m hungry for more.
He kisses me, and I moan at the taste of myself on his tongue. But he takes it away from me as he lifts to his knees, pulling my legs onto his shoulders. We both look between us, his cock thick and hard and already leaking precum onto me as he rubs his head along my sensitive clit.
Dirty Secrets Page 27
