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“Christina! Christina, can you hear me?” John’s voice called out into the night, a voice filled with fear.
“Christy! Baby, let us know where you are, please!” It was my mother’s voice, broken and in pain. I peered out into the rain to see two pinpoints of light in the distance. I thought of staying put, curling up tighter and becoming invisible. But then, I thought of Daddy’s voice. He wouldn’t want me to do that. I listened to my mother’s voice and John’s and realized that they really wanted to find me. I finally realized that I wanted to be found.
I jumped out of my hiding spot and called out at the top of my lungs, “I’m over here!”
My mother and John ran in my direction, slipping and sliding in the rain. She reached me first and scooped me into her arms. “Oh, Christina, baby, you scared us. Are you all right?”
John caught up and put his arms around the both of us. “We were so worried, honey. Are you okay?”
As I stood infolded in their warmth and safety, something broke loose inside of me and the words poured out. “No, I’m not okay! Nothing is okay. Why are you asking me now? You never asked before! I feel all alone as if no one is there for me. First, I lost Daddy…then the wedding—you two didn’t even understand why it was hard for me or give me time. And now…Tadpole’s leaving me. Nothing will be okay ever again!” I crumpled on the ground, sobbing and heartbroken.
John and my mother pulled me back inside my little nook. We sat down and snuggled close together while my mother stroked my hair. She rocked me like she had when I was little and hushed me softly. Her own voice was rough with feeling as she spoke. “Sweetheart, you’re right. I haven’t been there for you the way I should. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, my own pain that I forgot about yours. I was selfish. When John stepped in for me, I grabbed on like he was a lifeboat and I didn’t think about how you would feel. I’m sorry, baby.” She held on to me tightly.
John reached out and pushed my hair out of my eyes, his own eyes mirroring my sadness. “I feel like a lot of this is my fault. I should have talked to you myself to find out how you felt but your mom was afraid you wouldn’t listen to me. I know how you and your mom feel. My wife died of cancer five years ago. It’s what made me join hospice. I know what it’s like to be alone, how it feels to lose someone you love with all of your heart. I had a lot of talks with your daddy when I was taking care of him,” John had to stop for a moment, unable to speak as his eyes filled. “He was so special. He spoke to me many times about you and your mother. One night, he gave me a very special gift. He asked me to take care of the both of you in whatever way possible because he was so worried, so sad about leaving you. He left the two of you in my hands and I promised I’d do my best. I’m sorry…I don’t think I’ve held up to my end of the bargain very well.”
He bent his head, overcome by strong feelings. I reached out and took his had, squeezing it hard enough to make him look up at me. “You have done a good job, John, and you’ve really helped me tonight by telling me that Daddy wanted this. Up until now, I’ve felt so guilty. Every time I started to feel a little better, was happy listening to you two and feeling like I was part of a family again, I’d think about Daddy and that I was betraying him.”
My mother tipped my chin up, forcing me to look at her. “Honey, you listen to me. Your father wanted you and me to be happy. He hated to leave us and he didn’t want us to be alone.”
I nodded and closed my eyes, letting it all sink in. Daddy wanted this. If Daddy had actually asked for this to happen, then I was okay with this. We waited for what seemed like hors for the rain to stop. The thunder was a distant grumble as we slowly headed home. We were all quiet, lost in our own thoughts or too exhausted to speak.
Tadpole was sitting on my doorstep, like a little lost puppy, when we walked down our driveway. Tears were running down his face and I felt my heart break again. This time it was for Tad. I’d been so selfish, thinking only about me. How hard this must be for him. I sat down and put an arm around his shaking shoulders. He turned to me and leaned against me. “Oh, Christy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you run away.”
I shook my head. “No, Tad, I’m the one who needs to apologize. I should have been helping you the way you’ve helped me. I didn’t think about how upset you must be. I’ll do my best to stand by you and help you through this.” His hand found its way to mine and a small smile lit up his face. “It’s going to be okay,” I told him, finally believing it, for all of us. Magic lesson learned: you can find your way home with a little help from those who love you and it’s never too late to help them back.
Ch. 16—A New Beginning a.k.a. Lakeside Magic
It’s autumn now. School has started once again. Forest Lake is on fire with oranges, yellows and reds. The geese are calling as they fly south, reminding me of Daddy. Everything here reminds me of him. Tadpole has moved away. We talk every night and every week I mail him a note and silly pictures. Mom says I can go see him over the Columbus Day weekend. I will do whatever I have to because this is one friendship I will not let go.
As for my family, we’ve made a new start, trying to get used to one another, and really make it work. We talk about Daddy all of the time. We make sure it is the good memories so we won’t forget how this all began. I’m giving John a chance. I even took him fishing and let him row me home. Mom and I are getting to know one another again. We’re talking, spending time together, and working things out side by side instead of alone.
I go out in the boat at sunrise as often as I can. The geese lift off around me, their wings thrumming and humming, making music in the air. The morning regains its hush and the lakeside magic finds me again. Every time I come, a breeze lifts my hair, whispers in my ear, swirls around me and holds me close. It only happens here, on the water, and I know that it’s Daddy, come to see me again. I know it because the air can be as calm as can be when suddenly he touches me with the wind and my heart is full of love. Magic lesson learned: if you truly love someone, they can never really leave you. They will always be right there, close to you, inside the beating of your heart.
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