Someone who could give her the other things she wanted to do with her life.
Even if Reina agreed to have a child together, it would still be more difficult than if Aiko were in a relationship with a man. There was no guarantee that Aiko would get pregnant on the first try of anything, and things like sperm donation would take time and money they didn’t have. Then there was the fact they were not legally married, so any baby Aiko bore would be labeled a bastard on its family registration card, with Reina’s name nowhere to be seen. Then as the child grew, it would be ridiculed and tormented until it could finally escape the reality of its parents being lesbians. There were women, like Haruka, who were raised by openly gay parents, but Aiko did not doubt it made some things in life harder than they should have been.
Thinking of Haruka made Aiko gaze into her spouse’s peaceful face and wonder if she could betray her.
No. Reina needed her. If anything happened to her, or to their relationship, then Reina would be forced to fend for herself. She could barely care for herself, let alone under emotional duress. Their mutual friend Michiko once said that Reina hadn’t planned on living past her twenties. Considering she was now forty…
Reina stirred in her wife’s lap, waking from her short slumber.
Aiko went to bed that night still thinking about Takeshi’s confessions. When they parted that afternoon, it was with one last apology and a promise to never bring it up again. They did not make any future plans. Aiko wondered if they would at all. I need to let him cool off. And she needed to think of a way to tell him that she was married to a woman.
“Ai-chan,” Reina said as they snuggled together beneath the covers, “let’s do it.”
Her heart wasn’t into it, but Aiko agreed. They made love slowly, tenderly, with carefully placed kisses and kind words passing between their lips. Aiko reveled in the sensations of her spouse, a woman, stimulating her in ways only another woman could know how. Reina could not give her a baby, but she could give her unmatched chemistry. In the end, I’m still not alone. She climaxed with other thoughts temporarily purged from her head.
The next morning Reina left with a skip in her step. “From now on that bastard won’t be there anymore! I get the desk all to myself!” she said, her briefcase swinging beside her as she left for the train station. When she was out of sight, Aiko went back inside and wished she wasn’t thinking about Takeshi.
What would it be like? Making love to him. Well, making love to any man, but especially Takeshi, who was handsome, kind, and gentle. Aiko hoped for his sake that he was well hung, too. Over the years she had come to expect nothing less with the appetite Reina foisted inside her.
In a perfect world, Aiko could find out. No strings attached. She could have sex with Takeshi, whether to get pregnant or not, and that would be it. Reina wouldn’t be jealous, and Takeshi wouldn’t pine after her anymore. But it wasn’t a perfect world. Reina would be livid and insecure, and Takeshi would feel used. In the real world, Aiko would be the type of person she loathed. One night’s experiment would become one lifetime’s regret.
Still, she could not help but be curious.
Would it hurt? Sometimes Reina hurt her, fake phallus or no. It was never intentional, and Aiko rarely brought it up anymore since she associated a little pain with most penetrative sex, depending on the angle and how wet she was. But for all she knew there was a magic penis spell that decreed every sex act was painful. I don’t know! She wanted to know.
She hated herself for wanting to know.
So wrapped up in these thoughts was her brain, that it almost didn’t register the man and woman standing outside her window like two ghostly sentinels.
“Ara?” Aiko sat up and met the man’s eyes. No, not a man. A boy. A tall boy. A high school boy in a classic black uniform, his hair neatly shorn and his expression devoid of life. Beside him a shorter woman stood, long black hair wispy in the summer breeze as her white skirt pooled around her. From far away she looked as young as the student, but soon Aiko noticed the lines on her face. “Who is this?”
She stepped into the genkan and met the pair at the door. When she opened it, she was faced with the boy’s indifference and the woman’s well-worn shock etched into her brows.
“Aiko?” she said, almost inaudible. Where had Aiko heard that voice before? Where had she seen this woman’s aged features before? “Aiko, is that you?”
She stared at her guest, drinking in her meticulous fashion and her easy sense of style. Even her make-up was properly applied without a stray mark. Who had she ever known like that? All her old friends…
All her old friends.
“Tomoko,” the name was barely out of her mouth before she gasped.
The woman smiled. “You remember me.”
Of course Aiko remembered her. The last she heard from Tomoko, one of her first friends from university, she was returning to her small town in the countryside to sort out her sexuality. Apparently she had been sleeping with Reina. Fucking her, more like. Tomoko had also been the only “friend” not to deride Aiko when she first came out. She always wondered what happened to her.
“I was afraid I would never find you,” Tomoko said. “I had to hope you had the same name. Do you know how many Aiko Takeuchis there are in Tokyo?” She laughed once. “But you were the only one near the right age.”
“Tomoko…”
“It’s good to see you too.”
Once Aiko overcame her shock, she invited Tomoko and the boy in. They deposited their shoes in the genkan and followed Aiko’s lead into the sitting area, where she served them the customary iced tea. They both bowed, the boy bowing the deepest.
“This is my son, Ryo. We came here to look at universities he is applying to. He’ll be graduating high school next spring.”
Aiko looked over the boy once more, noting the features similar to his mother’s, such as the shape of his nose. “You have a son.”
“My only child. He’s a good young man.”
Ryo kept his stern posture and nonplussed countenance. He reminded Aiko of a security guard who took his job seriously.
The overall conversation was stunted and quiet, as if Tomoko and Aiko had never been good friends in another life. Another life for both of us. But it seemed Tomoko had changed the most. Once, she had been a lovely, vibrant young woman with a bright face and optimistic attitude. Now she sat before Aiko, wrinkles crowning her forehead and dark hair turning lighter as gray emerged. Her clothes were more conservative too, with her shorts and stockings exchanged for a dark skirt and long cotton sleeves on a summer day. But the most shocking thing was the way she moved: her hands shook whenever she revealed them, and at one point she almost spilled her iced tea. Ryo jumped in and saved the glass before it could topple over and create a mess. Tomoko thanked him, and he went back to…Aiko realized he was standing guard, all right. Guarding his mother.
“Ryo, would you please go outside and phone your father to tell him about the school we visited yesterday? Thank you.” Tomoko patted her son on the shoulder before he nodded and got up. He spared one nod for Aiko as well, although their eyes did not meet.
As soon as he was out of the house, walking past the windows with his phone out, Aiko leaned in and said, “He’s a very obedient son. You must be proud.”
“I am.” Tomoko spared a wan smile. “He’s bright, and behaved. Always so quiet. He’s an observer, not a doer.” She sighed. “The perfect child.” Most mothers would say that with a large smile, even if they were attempting to win the Humility Olympics. Tomoko, however, became more crestfallen as the seconds wore by. She covered her face with her hands and sniffed one deep breath. “We’ve been through a lot together.”
Aiko folded her hands and said nothing, the silent cue for Tomoko to continue.
“When you last saw me, I was in that bar with you and Reina-senpai…whatever happened to her?”
Taken aback, Aiko held out her left hand. “We got married.”
“Married!”
For the first time since her arrival, Tomoko’s eyes widened and her mouth hung open. “Where is she then?”
“At work. She has a salary job.”
“Really?” Tomoko’s eyes wandered around the room. “So you’re still…”
“We’re both still like that.” Some days more than others.
Tomoko’s relief shook the table. “I’m glad to hear it. I’ve wondered all these years how that worked out for you. I…well, as you can see, things changed for me.”
“I remember you wondering if you could be bisexual.”
That small smile returned – the saddest smile Aiko had ever seen. “I dumped my boyfriend, dropped out of college, and went back to Shiga Prefecture in the hopes I would not have any distractions as I sorted my feelings out. I didn’t want to admit it, but I really loved being with women. It wasn’t just Reina-senpai, either. There were a couple of others too. I had a sort of girlfriend once in high school.” She chuckled. “But in my heart I felt it was really wrong. Women weren’t supposed to make love to other women. That’s what I had always been told; what I had always read. I needed to tune it all out and decide what I would do, and what I would sacrifice if it came to that.”
The ensuing pause was too much for Aiko to handle. “And what happened?”
“I met my husband and became pregnant. There wasn’t much else to do after that.”
“I see.”
Tomoko leaned her chin upon her hand, as if she looked into the mirror reflecting all of her mistakes as they hung above her head like shadows. “At the time I thought…if this man couldn’t make me feel good, then no other man probably could. In truth, he’s not the best man in the world. I mean, he’s not bad. He doesn’t abuse me. But he’s terribly boring. His whole family is. They’re all strict and traditional. When I got pregnant I made the mistake of telling him. I wanted to have an abortion, and I thought he wouldn’t care. His mother found out, though. Before I knew it, this man was my husband by the power of our city hall.”
“I see.” Lumps formed in Aiko’s throat.
“When you’re in that situation, even if you think it’s not right, it’s hard to leave it. If I tried to leave, it would mean abandoning my son. You see how gentle he is. I didn’t want my husband’s family sinking their teeth into him. I think I’ve spent most of my life unsure of what I want or what I should do. But I never wavered in that regard. I finally knew what I had to sacrifice. My happiness for my son’s well-being.”
Aiko glanced at the tall young man standing out in the driveway, his face stoic and his stature firm as he conversed on the phone. His lips barely moved. “Was it worth it?”
“I like to think he turned out the way he did because of me. It’s my hope he can go to school here in the city, away from the backward thinking that tore me apart for so long. I hope he can find his own path to happiness, whatever it is.”
“And what about you? Is that all there is for you?” This was all making Aiko feel old. Looking at Tomoko, in her obasan clothes and aged appearance, was like being in a strange time machine. Around Tomoko, life was so finite.
“I don’t know. I’m thinking about leaving my husband when my son graduates from university. But by then I’ll be in my mid-40s. What can I do? I don’t have my own money, and I don’t have a support network outside of my hometown. If I leave, I have nothing. Isn’t it too late to start over?”
Aiko didn’t know what to say.
“Forgive me. I’m so depressing. Please, tell me about your life these past twenty years.”
After a few false starts, Aiko decided to begin with her first year with Reina. While she spoke of them dating, moving in together, and staying together for so long that they finally got married, Tomoko gazed at her with expectant, hopeful eyes. I lived the life she wishes she were brave enough to live. Aiko did not glaze over her family’s disdain and constant attempts to “fix” her. To that Tomoko nodded in agreement, the only thing she could relate to.
“…And recently she’s been going to see a therapist about this gender dysphoria, and has been improving a lot. Living with someone like her is a challenge, but I love her, of course.” Aiko cleared her throat and took a sip of her iced tea.
“I’m envious of you.”
“You have had difficulties I never did.” Aiko didn’t know what she would have done in Tomoko’s situation.
She reached a hand out and snatched Aiko’s, her grip as firm as the look peering from her dark eyes. “Don’t ever let that go, Aiko-san. As long as you two love each other, please stay together. Nothing is worth losing the freedom to love who you do.”
Aiko stared at their clasped hands. “Even a child?”
“That,” Tomoko relaxed her grip, “was my own weakness. I couldn’t stand up to those people, and thus my son was born. I love my son, and he is here, and he needed someone to protect him. You are different. You have no shackles.”
Is a child a shackle? For some women, Aiko supposed they were. Although it was clear Tomoko loved her son and wanted the best for him, she probably would have been better off had he never been conceived.
Aiko turned the conversation to more pleasant things, especially after Ryo returned. He sat quietly, one eye always on his mother, but responded when spoken to. From him Aiko learned that he intended to become an engineer if he could get into the right school.
When it was time for them to leave – they had an appointment that afternoon for a university tour – Aiko asked Tomoko for her cell phone number or email address. Anything to keep them from losing contact again. Tomoko declined, saying it was best this way. Yet as they headed out the door, Aiko shoved one of her calling cards into Tomoko’s hand.
They left as fluidly as they had arrived.
Aiko remained at the table for a while, TV off and air conditioner purring above her. She had no idea what she would tell Reina. Maybe she wouldn’t tell her anything at all. That would require them dredging up the baby topic again, and now Aiko kept hearing the word “shackle” in conjunction with it. Maybe that’s what Reina hears too.
Thinking about that only made her think about Takeshi as well. Too much. Aiko gave up and went upstairs to take a nap.
Reina left the house a few minutes early Thursday morning so she could have a smoke on the front lawn. Aiko’s in-house smoking ban sometimes meant Reina had to stand in her work clothes in the hot summer sun if she wanted her nicotine fix.
What should have been a pleasant moment to herself, however, was cut short when she stepped toward the gate and saw a visitor there.
Hana, wearing her yellow hat and pink backpack, stared up into Reina’s face. After hopping back in surprise, Reina almost dropped her cigarette but managed to catch it before it could fall into the dried out grass. As if on cue Aiko stepped out of the house with a watering can.
“You know you shouldn’t smoke,” Hana said in a whiny voice. Her two braids drooped over her shoulders like her two eyes drooped like a sad beagle’s. If she’s lucky, she’ll grow up to be half as pretty as her mother. Reina always said Aiko had good taste in women.
“You know you shouldn’t butt into people’s lives like that, right?” Reina took a long drag from her cigarette to spite the child. Aiko gave the girl a cheery hello before watering the plants around the front door.
Hana frowned. “Why don’t you ever wear a dress?”
Reina couldn’t do it anymore. She gave up on the cigarette and crunched it beneath her feet to the tune of Aiko chiding her. “Why don’t you ever stop asking personal questions?”
“One of the neighbors says it’s because you think you’re a man.”
Reina glanced at the houses around the neighborhood. They were all similar to hers in style and structure, but they all boasted different types of families. When they first moved into the neighborhood, the houses were mostly filled with middle-aged couples. Some of them still remained, senior citizens now, but the others were filled with younger couples starting their families. Reina instantly regarded a
house with one of the oldest couples on the block. Say it to my face, granny. No secret that most of the neighbors assumed something “off” about Reina and Aiko, although none said anything in their presence. “Do I look like a man to you?”
Shrugging, Hana looked Reina up and down anyway. “I’ve never seen you wear a dress before, though.”
“I don’t like dresses.”
“Me neither.”
“You used to wear them.” Yuri once had a habit of dressing her daughter in lace. Reina could still remember the day her wife’s lover brought home a baby wrapped in ruffles.
“That was back when I was little. My mother doesn’t tell me what to wear anymore.”
I bet that grates her nerves. Reina noted the jeans and sandals the little girl wore. “Look kid, I gotta go to work, and you’re blocking the way.” She had about fifteen minutes before the train to work arrived, and if she missed it, she’d be cutting it close in getting to work on time.
But Hana didn’t move when Reina advanced on the gate. Instead she continued to stare Reina down, with small glances at Aiko in the background.
“Are you a lesbian?”
The watering can fell to the ground as Reina regarded the girl too smart for her own good. “Where did you hear a word like that?” Aiko asked, her voice too anxious for Reina’s tastes. We got it, the neighbors aren’t supposed to know. Clearly being scandalized by such a notion would put the rumors at bay. Clearly.
Hana shrugged again. “My mother says it all the time.”
“What?” both Reina and Aiko said at once.
“Yeah. We’ll be watching TV, like an American show, and she’ll say, ‘Those two women are lesbians. They live together like a man and woman do. It’s normal.’”
Aiko heaved a large breath behind Reina. We’re not out of these flaming woods yet. “And what makes you think we’re like that?” she asked.
“Well, you’re two women who live together. You don’t have boyfriends and you’re not related. See?” Hana touched the nameplates by the gate. “You don’t have the same name. So if two women living together are lesbians, then you must be lesbians.”
Koibumi Page 20
