by Iain Spragg
It would certainly require a lot of mouse traps if TfL ever seriously attempted to tackle the infestation.
Gnarled commuters are accustomed to seeing the little rodents scurrying around the platforms but it is of course far more entertaining watching tourists and out-of-towners jump when they first catch an unexpected glimpse of the furry interlopers.
The mice have also inspired a number of fictional stories about their subterranean adventures. The first was the animated series Tube Mice, which screened on ITV in 1988 and won an award for most imaginative title in the cartoon category later that year.
The second was Underneath the Underground, a 1996 book penned by former Blue Peter presenter Anthea Turner and her sister Wendy. Turner went on to write How To Be The Perfect Housewife: Lessons in the Art of Modern Household Management but most literary heavyweights believe her earlier Underground-inspired offering to be her most incisive work.
Such is the fame of the modern Underground mice that commuters at Farringdon in 2012 didn’t smell a rat when they arrived at the station to be confronted with the following whiteboard message: ‘The mice at this station have been attacking customers,’ it read. ‘Please place the bottom of your trousers into your socks to avoid being the victim of the Farringdon mice.’
Much tucking in and sartorial rearranging ensued and it wasn’t until the following day that Transport for London confirmed the announcement was in fact a hoax perpetrated by a passenger with a rather dry sense of humour.
THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT
2012
Thanks to Harry Beck and his user-friendly Tube map, a cursory glance at his Underground diagram suggests the distance between any two given stations on the network is pretty much the same. Regular commuters know that the truth is very different.
For example, the typical journey time between Leicester Square and Covent Garden on the Piccadilly Line is a mere 37 seconds, which frankly isn’t even long enough to make any headway on The Times crossword. That makes the two stations the closest on the system and, were it not for the throngs of confused tourists on the streets above, it would be almost as quick to walk between them as it is to ride a carriage.
The journey time between Southwark and Waterloo on the Jubilee Line is also minimal at a rapid 41 seconds, while it takes just 42 seconds to travel between Charing Cross and Embankment on the Northern Line. Which is pretty damn quick.
In total, there are 14 trips you can make on the network that come in at under 60 seconds, with the jaunt between Shepherd’s Bush Market to Goldhawk Road on the Circle Line the ‘slowest’ at an interminable 58 seconds.
At the other end of the scale, the longest average journey time on the Underground can be found on the Metropolitan Line between Chesham and Chalfont & Latimer, which takes 7 minutes and 20 seconds.
The tedious traipse from Wembley Park to Finchley Road, also on the Metropolitan Line, is 6 minutes and 50 seconds of your life you won’t be getting back, while it’s a full 5 minutes and 50 seconds to get from Hammersmith to Acton Town on the Piccadilly Line.
The Circle Line does not feature in the list of longest journeys but should you forget to get off the train, you could in theory be stuck on the same train for hours, going round and round central London without ever reaching your destination.
WATER, WATER, EVERYWHERE!
2012
The London Underground has always been prone to the odd flood but the network was hit by a deluge of biblical proportions in 2012 when 2 million litres of water flooded a section of the Central Line, causing hours of chaos to one of the busiest parts of the Tube.
The massive torrent left hundreds of damp passengers stranded before they were forced to make their escape on foot along the tunnels – and for once the inclement British weather was not to blame for the rush-hour disruption.
It was, it emerged, all the fault of a crew of heavy-handed workmen who had managed to crack a water pipe.
‘We are usually to blame when things go wrong but this time we can put hand on heart and say, “It wasn’t our fault, guv”,’ said a soggy spokesman for Transport for London. ‘It was 100 per cent down to Thames Water. This has caused one of the biggest safety scares ever. There was so much water pumping in that there were genuine concerns of a tunnel collapse or the water flooding along the tunnel and affecting other lines.’
With the finger firmly pointed, TfL decided to call it a day, but Thames Water frantically tried to save face, claiming they were delighted the accident had happened.
‘This has highlighted how weak the pipe was and the potential for it to burst at any time, so we are glad we can now get it replaced before the Olympics,’ a spokesman said, desperately trying to keep a straight face.
‘We’re really sorry for the disruption that has been caused. We were doing exploratory work on the pipe in Wick Lane yesterday, having identified it as a potential weak point on the network ahead of the Olympics. This is a 24-inch pipe which is more than 100 years old and when we dug down to investigate a suspected leak, the earth around the pipe moved, causing it to burst.’
The shameless buck-shifting did little to improve the mood of the sodden commuters.
STICKY GUERILLA WARFARE
2012
It’s a schoolboy error. You jump on the Tube for a long journey, only to realise you have failed to properly arm yourself with a newspaper, book, iPod or perhaps even some overdue crochet to pass the time, and you are now faced with a level of tedium on your journey that would break even the dullest of accountants.
The only solution is to read the Transport for London public service messages. You know, the ones that helpfully tell you you’re rudely sitting in a priority seat or you can’t get off at Tottenham Court Road because engineers are currently polishing the escalators. It’s boring but it’s better than staring at your shoes for 20 minutes.
In 2012, however, the messages suddenly got altogether more interesting as a craze for ‘guerilla stickers’ swept the Underground. Wags decided to replace the boring TfL missives with alternative pronouncements that weren’t quite as serious.
‘No eye contact – Penalty £200’ was typical of the new series of subversive stickers, and ‘We apologise for any incontinence caused during these engineering works’ raised a few laughs. The warning that ‘Peak hours may necessitate you let other people sit on your lap’ had some passengers worried, while there were knowing smiles after commuters read, ‘Please offer this seat to those drunks less able to stand than you’.
The maps in the carriages were not spared either. Oxford Street was renamed ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ and Shepherd’s Bush was rechristened ‘Shepherd’s Pie’. A spider’s web even made an appearance inside the loop of the eastern extreme of the Central Line.
‘It’s a form of rebellion, whether it be due to the current climate of doom and gloom and people wanting to brighten their day,’ a spokesman for the website selling some of the stickers told the BBC, insisting on anonymity in case TfL sent the heavies round.
‘It’s almost as though people are treating you as a drone and the signs are very serious. This is a bit of escapism and freedom that people can express relatively easily. I have seen more signs, more stickers and other designs, particularly based on the more common signs you see on the Underground.
‘People can just take the sticker out, stick it off and be gone in a couple of seconds. But I’m not putting them up and the website cannot endorse them being stuck on the Tube.’
Not everyone was equally tickled by the rash of silly stickers. ‘The costs of graffiti are substantial for the railway industry in terms of repairs and clean-up and can leave permanent scars on the infrastructure,’ said a stern British Transport Police spokesman. ‘It is a blight on our society and will not be tolerated.’
Reports that a subsequent TfL message warning ‘Stickers are illegal – Offenders will be prosecuted’ was replaced with ‘Stickers are great – Keep it up’ appear to be nothing more than rumours.
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sp; THE DANGERS OF FALLING ASLEEP ON THE TUBE
2012
Grabbing 40 winks on the Underground after a hard day in the office or a few libations in a local hostelry can be extremely tempting. The Tube can be very soporific when you’re tired and countless passengers have suffered the embarrassing experience of missing their stop after nodding off.
The repercussions of an impromptu nap, however, were nearly far more serious for Rakesh Nair in 2012 and almost led to divorce.
A chef on his way home late at night after a shift at an Indian restaurant in Westminster, Rakesh was minding his own business on a Jubilee Line train when a young woman sat down in the seat next to him and dozed off. Before he could say ‘excuse me’, the woman then leaned over and began inadvertently cuddling his arm, much to his obvious surprise and embarrassment.
On another day, the innocent incident would probably have been politely forgotten, but a fellow passenger had filmed the whole thing and uploaded the clip to YouTube, quickly attracting more than 500,000 hits from viewers who found the episode hilarious.
Unfortunately one of those hits came from Mrs Nair, who was definitely not amused. In fact, she was convinced the clip showed her husband in flagrante with his secret lover and went absolutely ballistic.
‘I got into trouble with my wife, who thought it must be something quite serious,’ Rakesh said. ‘She didn’t think it was funny to begin with. She thought it was a work colleague or someone I knew and started accusing me of these things.
‘I said, “I didn’t know the woman.” She was convinced, eventually, and saw the funny side. All is well. Most people getting home at that time have been working and are obviously very tired, they don’t quite know what’s happening.’
The identity of the slumbering woman remained a mystery but the incident proved once again that you shouldn’t believe everything you see on YouTube.
MICROPHONE MADNESS
2012
Spending hour after hour all on their own at the front of the train can do funny things to Tube drivers. Some mutter darkly to themselves, some sing and some can get very, very irritable by the end of an eight-hour shift during which absolutely nothing interesting or unusual has happened.
Others try to alleviate the inevitable boredom by livening up their frequent passenger announcements and for years the good folk at the Going Underground website have been collecting the funniest and most farcical for our enjoyment. Here are a dozen of the very finest, which require no further introduction …
‘I am the captain of your train and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15 p.m. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius. Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there’s no need to adjust your watches.’
‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’
‘Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway. Once I get my feet on the floor and start running, we should be on our way.’
‘Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank Station. So that’s good, isn’t it? I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time.’
‘Please stand clear of the doors. Please note that the big slidy things are the doors.’
‘Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City Line. Sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and, to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make our way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, where this train will terminate. We would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lap dancers for your entertainment. Have a good weekend.’
‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of “stand clear of the doors” don’t you understand?’
‘Come on, smile. It could be worse. You could be stuck on a plane being struck with deep vein thrombosis.’
‘Sorry for the delay but there has been an incident at King’s Cross. Someone has attacked the driver. The police have been called. It’s a good thing I’m not a policeman because I’d lock them all up for life. Either that or shoot them.’
‘Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a Tube train and not a bin on wheels.’
‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the westbound and go in the opposite direction.’
OLYMPIC CHAMPION KEEPS IT REAL
2012
The 2012 Olympics got everyone in London rather excited and to mark the big occasion the Olympic Flame took a little journey on the Underground from Wimbledon to Wimbledon Park on Day 67 of the relay, a trip that mercifully did not end in the train accidentally going up in flames, despite the obvious fire hazard.
A host of celebrities including rower James Cracknell, former Wimbledon champion Boris Becker, ex-England cricket captain Michael Vaughan and singer Katy B were on hand to add a touch of glamour to the day’s proceedings and three days later the flame safely arrived in Stratford to signal the start of the Games.
The Underground, of course, did sterling work carrying thousands of fans around the capital during the Olympics, but one of the Tube’s most heart-warming Games-related moments was completely unplanned and did not feature a single celeb.
It came in the wake of the final of the men’s individual épée fencing competition. The winner was Venezuela’s Rubén Dario Limardo Gascón, who clearly fancied celebrating his success, so after collecting his gold medal the South American decided to head into London to party.
He duly jumped onto the Docklands Light Railway – the result of a Tube cloning experiment gone horribly wrong – and then the Jubilee Line but, rather than hide behind a newspaper, Gascón was happy to pose for photos with his stunned fellow passengers and even allowed them to try his medal on for size.
‘It was just amazing,’ said one Olympic fan. ‘This guy came on the train with a gold medal around his neck. I asked him about it and he just shrugged and said, “I’m a fencer from Venezuela.” He posed for pictures and signed autographs and then got off. It was absolutely surreal.’
Clearly no one had told Gascón that Underground etiquette usually demands absolutely no eye-contact and keeping your valuables out of sight.
UNDERGROUND FAILS TO LIVE UP TO ITS NAME
2012
Everything about the London Underground screams subterranean. The clue is in the name and when you consider the network was the first in the world to run a deep-level electric rail line back in 1890 and that Angel Station boasts a 60m-long escalator – the third longest in Western Europe – it’s impossible not to get the impression we’re talking below ground here.
But it’s all an outrageous sham. A crass example of misleading marketing. A blatant attempt to pull the wool over our eyes.
The Tube’s dark secret? More than half of the Tube’s 249 miles of track are actually above ground. Shocking, isn’t it?
To be fair, the Underground was far more faithful to its name in the early years, but as the network inexorably expanded out of the centre of the capital and into the suburban sprawl, space was at less of a premium and trains were able to run on the surface without fear of ploughing straight through a row of terraced houses or the local bus depot.
Today only 45 per cent of the track
runs below the surface of London, with the rest winding its merry way in plain sight.
The longest continuous journey the modern passenger can make without seeing daylight is on the Northern Line between East Finchley and Morden Stations, a 17.3-mile trip (as long as they make the trip via the Bank branch rather than its shorter Charing Cross cousin). According to the Transport for London website, the journey takes an average of an hour, assuming of course there are no signal failures or passengers suddenly taken ill, giving the commuter a full 60 minutes of subterranean travel before eventually emerging into the light.
BOND BACK ON THE UNDERGROUND
2012
Readers with a memory capable of spanning 40 pages or so will remember the Underground made a cameo appearance in 2002 James Bond blockbuster Die Another Day in the shape of the fictional Vauxhall Cross station.
Sadly the Tube failed to claim the Oscar that year for its gritty yet sympathetic portrayal of a sublevel MI6 stash of gadgets and gizmos, which may have had something to do with the fact the scene was actually shot on a sound stage at the famous Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire rather on the real network.
In 2012 Bond was back with a bang with the release of the critically-acclaimed Skyfall – the 23rd instalment of the franchise – and this time the Underground finally got to play itself on the big screen, charming audiences with a subtle but searing depiction of a subterranean public transport system on the edge.
The network’s big moment comes as Bond chases baddie Raoul Silva after he escapes from MI6’s clutches, pursuing him down into Temple Station, onto to a train and through Embankment before he finally emerges at Westminster for more flirting, fighting and, possibly, suit fitting.
