by M. C. Cerny
I remembered an old history teacher who had a love for Asian studies. He told us about a Japanese practice called, kintsukuroi. It was a form of art where the artist used powdered gold and lacquer to fix the broken seams of ceramic. Sierra for all her strength was a fragile broken vase but the sunlight mimicked the gold and I found a way to appreciate the brokenness within her. Without it, she wouldn’t have her snarky humor, her reckless, impulsive drive, and her tender heart I wanted so badly to call my own and protect. I loved her no matter the past or the uncertainty of tomorrow. I was banking on today, this moment right here, right now as I leaned in to kiss her awake.
14
Andy
“Sierra, we may have lost a few along the way,” I clutched her hand in mine squeezing gently reminding her I was still here. I would always be here for her no matter what. “Our love has always been a battlefield. With you, I aim to win the war.” She gasped and I pulled her into my arms holding her as close as possible. Our heart beats touched as close as humanly possible through layers of clothing, skin, muscles and bones. This was my woman and while our ride had been a rocky one from day one, heck, I imagined it would be until the day we left this earth, I loved her.
Completely.
Irrevocably.
“I wasn’t dealt the hand of cards meant for this, for us.” She whined pitifully and I knew if she truly believed that then what chance did we have at anything together?
“Sierra, it’s not about the hand, it’s about how you play them.” My girl had been scrappy from the beginning and perhaps that what I loved most about her. She constantly fought. She might have been more wrong than she was right, but she was always forcing herself to push through whether she realized it or not. That was the girl I loved, the one I wanted in my life.
“I’ve felt like you were always five hundred miles away and I could never catch up to you.”
“That’s a great song my love, but I think we’ve been more like twenty five hundred miles away and being stuck in your head doesn’t count.”
15
Sierra
“What you doing here?” Rooted to my spot, I turned my head to glance over my shoulder. Andy caught me here at the precipice of my past, my hand covered in rich black dirt under the vine of Kingston purple grapes.
“I left something here that belongs to me.”’ I prayed he let it go but that wasn’t Andy’s nature.
“Nothing here belongs to you. This vineyard is mine.”
“Grandpa may have deeded it to you when I skipped town but this is still my family’s legacy.”
“Wrong. It was my wife’s.”
“I’m…” I couldn’t finish my sentence because I didn’t know what I was anymore. I wasn’t a carefree girl. I wasn’t the love of Andy’s life. A piece of paper tacked to the board in his office held the remnants of that relationship in tatters. I had the courage to send him the papers to fill out for the divorce, but he never followed through and I never followed up–too afraid to make it real.
“You left me Sierra.” His hand is fisted and punching his own leg. He would never hurt me but the threat of violence even if he’s merely acting out his frustration is real. “What was I supposed to think.” His voice growls low and I’m feeling weak and dizzy remembering every detail from that brief time in our lives shared.
“Whatever you damn well pleased.” Mumbling I sat back on my haunches, the old tin container nestled between my legs. My fingers cramped staying still instead of ripping off the top and breaking it open.
“They you won’t mind if I keep this too.” Andy grabbed the box and stuck with my butt on the ground I couldn’t get up to get it from him fast enough.
“Hey! That’s not yours to keep?” Scrambling I tried to get it but like an over grown jerk he held the tin up over my head. Being five foot tall wasn’t cute as an adult. There were no stripper heels to level the playing field and no lacy scraps of clothing to deflect his attention or leather to arm myself with in this coming conversation.
Andy leaned down, his face in mine and his teeth gritted. “Everything here is mine. You didn’t want it so you don’t deserve to come back for it.”
“What are you twelve?” I shouted back to his retreating form between the rows of vines and uneven dirt.
“At least some of us have put the effort into growing up.”
“Fuck you, Andrew Easton.” I spat.
He leaned in a vicious snarl on his full lips, “Already been there princess and the ride is disappointing.”
My eyes narrowed with laser focus. “You son of a bitch.” Again, nothing but the bad and vile brewed between us.
“I wish I could have gone back and done it all over again. I would have never bothered to ask your name.”
I gasped. “What?”
Andy was saying he wished there had never been an us. My heart shattered.
“All these years and I can’t get free of you. A piece of paper, a deed to a property I never asked for and whatever secrets you’ve been keeping. I want to move on with my life and be happy again. I don’t even remember what happy is because you eat at my soul every day and in every woman’s eyes who have come since you.”
“Why do you harbor this hate then?”
“Because the one person I needed to talk to wasn’t here. You weren’t dead, you were gone and left me grieving something I couldn’t resolve.”
“I killed the relationship. That shouldn’t have been enough.”
Andy scoffed. We both knew I was full of shit.
“So that’s it then?”
Exhaustion was settling in deep in my body.
“Just go. Please.”
“I was there for you, all this time and this is… this is it then?”
“I didn’t need you to save me, Andrew. I needed you to walk by my side as I saved myself.” I said tears choking my every word.
“And how’d that work out for you so far?” He threw his arm up almost disgusted with. Hey, I was disgusted with myself but there was nothing left to be done. I watched my past lover, Andy walked away looking as tired as I felt. I let my knees sink to the ground folding underneath me. My knee caps pressed into the fertile dirt, my ankles pressed into my rump. The position was subservient but Andy wouldn’t have cared, he wouldn’t have wanted to see me that defeated despite his hate for me now.
I punched my hands into the ground, my fingers clawed the packed dirt and I lay my head down into the filth. That was where I belonged and if I had never dared to dream bigger or try to escape the reality none of this pain would be weighing my shoulders down now.
Andy was long gone now, likely back at the house, but I stayed. I rested my tired body into the ground praying for the pain to end around my bruised and broken shell of a heart. I stayed until the rains came and washed away the remnants of my sins drowning me.
16
Andy
The past that still hurts
“One, two, three, four…” I looked over at the girl sitting on the tree watching the dark cloud roll in over the field of grape vines. I had spent an hour earlier listening to her grandfather and my dad talk about grapes, wine, and beer for the upcoming food and wine festival in town. I walked away once they had ironed most of the details out. I had other things occupying my thoughts, the main one being this tiny mysterious girl
“What are you doing?” Her legs pumped the swing underneath her and her face smirked watching the clouds puff out thicker. We wouldn’t make it back to the house even if we left now.
“I’m counting the time between the…” The boom of thunder was strong enough I felt the rumble deep in my chest. She winced sliding off the swing and walking in my direction.
“Between the thunder and lightning?” I finished for her at her nod.
“Yes, I’m not a big fan of storms, even the pretty ones.” The sky stayed bright from the residual flash and the wind picked up carrying her long loose hair away from her face. Sierra Occho might not have been Helen of Troy but her Greek he
ritage made her seem like a goddess from ages ago.
“I am.” Our eyes met and I wanted her to read my mind. Sierra was a pretty storm. Raging and violent one minute and a quiet patter of rain on a windowsill clearing out the stale air for something fresh. Ducking her head she walked around me up the hill to the garden shed kept open. We were high enough that we could see into the rows of vines but far enough away that we were both specs to anyone looking for us from the old house on the other side of the property.
“That storm is going to roll in.” We could see the mountain behind it getting a forceful reckoning, thick sheets of rain and maybe hail which wasn’t unusual in a summer storm.
“Do you think it will pass quickly?”
“I don’t know.” With that the wind shift and a cloud above us released a torrent of rain overhead. Within seconds we were shocked cold and soaked to the bone.
“Let’s go inside before we get soaked.”
“I think it’s too late for that.” Another bolt of lightning zigzagged across the sky. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me forward shutting the thick wooden door behind me.
It was cool inside the shed, the only light coming from an old window that faced the vineyard. A small table and bench occupied the corner with a few gardening tools and pruning shears for the grapes. In the opposite corner on the concrete floor lay a hay filled mattress and a woolen blanket that looked older than both of us combined.
“Come here.” I pulled her near the bedding and dragged her down beside me rolling the thick blanket around our shivering bodies.
“You’re so warm.” Sierra’s teeth chattered and I folded her small frame into mine. My heat merged with her chill keeping us damp under the musty wool.
“Better?” I asked and she nodded under my chin, her small hands roaming my chest and around my neck. I shifted us so I leaned against the wall and situated her between my outstretched legs.
“What were you doing here today?” Her voice chattered and I rubbed my hands up and down her back.
“Listening to my dad talk about the food and wine festival. Business stuff I guess, but I was hoping to see you too.” I answered her honestly.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.” Her head tipped back and those light brown orbs stared into mine. “I seem to be doing that a lot.”
“What’s that?” My eyes followed her tongue that licked her lips as she spoke. I was sure she didn’t even know she did that, teasing me.
“Looking for you.” Our lips seemed to be on trajectory to collide and the first touch of skin made me grunt in awareness. The storm outside raged and I plundered her mouth opening her up wider and shifting her legs to straddle mine sitting on the floor.
“You taste like Rose.” She murmured her lips against mine.
“Your grandfather wanted another opinion. It’s sweet like you.” I wasn’t old enough to drink but Mr. Occho was old school Greek and I knew wine made an appearance at every meal. It was tradition and not surprising given this recipe had been in the family for generations and spanning two continents.
“I’m the sour grape in the family.” Her laughter wasn’t one of humor. It was dark and begged a follow up question I felt unprepared to ask.
“If that’s sour then I want to taste it every day.”
“You’ll mess up your pretty face. “ She said frowning.
“That’s a chance I’m willing to take.” I kissed her back, deeper this time earning me a whimper as I laid her down on the mattress covering her body with mine. My knee speared her legs apart to ride the damp cotton of my jeans with friction.
“Andrew.” Her breathy whisper broke me as her hands anchored in my hair drawing me closer to her body. The bones underneath me seemed fragile and I wanted to take extra care to not hurt her in any way.
“Say you want this.” I kissed her eyelids, her cheek, and her face. “Say that for once you’re choosing me over everything else for just this once. Let me be the sun after a long rain.” My heart hurt with a heavy burn that threatened to suffocate me on each inhalation.
“I want you. I’ve always wanted you Andrew.” Her moan was loud but drowned out by the competing storm and I felt and urge to see if I could make her scream louder than nature which was currently pounding the shit out of the little stone shed.
I wanted her to own this moment, own her shit and feel worthy of love. I couldn’t make it happen but I could damn well try.
17
Andy
Present
“Why did you come back?” I screamed into the night and wind. Rain hit my face so hard the words drowned coming out. She shouldn’t have been here at the vineyard either. I bought the place, it was mine now and she was technically squatting on my property unless she stepped inside the cottage. Odd how I could own everything around her, but not her, never her, never her heart. History be damned.
“I couldn’t stay away. Everything hurt no matter where I went or how high I tried to get. Nothing took the pain or the guilt away. Not the booze I drank to numb myself. Not the pills I used to forget. Not men I used to get back at what happened to me.”
“And a phone call?” Her answers would never close the wound she left in my heart, gaping and raw. I didn’t even know how to address her living here in the stone shed like a vagrant.
“Andy… I ruined everything. I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve a happy life with anyone.”
“And you didn’t think I could have been a part of that decision?”
“Not then I didn’t.”
“Jesus Christ. I married you.”
“And I sent you divorce papers which I’ve come to find have been hanging on your office wall all these years.”
“I was honoring our commitment. Something you seemed to have trouble doing.”
Her eyes watered and overflowed, “I wasn’t a hooker.”
I couldn’t stop the growl or running my hands through my hair without pulling fistfuls, “Semantics.”
“I was trying to fix things.” She whispered like a broken doll.
The bridge of my nose pounded in a painful headache.
“A little self-care might have saved us the trouble.”
“What was I supposed to do? Cancel plans? Stay in, have a girl’s night? Disconnect for a bit?”
“Well it’s certainly not disappear for a decade to resurface later as a completely different person.” I groused.
“But, Andrew, that’s just it, I haven’t changed at all.” She sounded forlorn and hopeless. It gutted me.
“We’ve all changed.”
Sierra might have been the same terrified little girl who didn’t have enough options but we were adults today and I could offer her plenty if she just sat still long enough to listen to me.
“Are you still doing drugs?” I asked watching her face for the slightest indication she was lying.
“No. I haven’t for a while but that doesn’t mean everyday isn’t a struggle.”
I kneeled down in front of her to clasp her hands in mine.
“Firefly, I’d be worried if you said it was easy and you never thought about it. I know that’s it’s going to be there, but I don’t want this shit to own us.”
“But I’ve hurt so many people.”
“You make it sound like no one in the history of Earth has ever made a mistake before?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“We’re human. We hurt. We bleed. We can also apologize and make better choices.”
“I’m just so afraid that my choices are unforgivable and when you realize this you’re going to push me away and nothing will have changed after all.”
“There’s only one way to know that and that’s to stick it out with me. Give this thing a proper try. I can’t promise I won’t ever get mad at you again but I never stopped loving you in the past decade and I’d like to think that counts for something.”
“I don’t know how you could.” She sniffed back tears.
“I spent years trying to for
get you, but that’s not me, Sierra. I was always waiting for you to come back.”
18
Sierra
Andrew kissed me with a fierce passion that erased the bad parts of my past away like a fresh hot shower. If anything, his body was more honed to perfection after this time and he used it to subdue my will and second guesses with ease. Our bodies knew exactly what to do as if it were yesterday and nothing had ever torn us apart.
Love was crazy like that. It made me do some pretty stupid things over the years. Things like running away in the middle of the night as much as coming back in the light of day to face these impossible demons.
We wrestled our clothes off and Andrew kissed my face, my neck and breasts with bites and licks that made me feel on fire. For once, I didn’t think about how lost I’d gotten, or the detours I’d taken down morality’s narrow path far away from him, my first true love. Andrew made everything better.
“If you ever leave me like that again.” He growled holding me down. He didn’t know that was a trigger for me and I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t bear to burden him with more. I could handle this. I could get through it. I thought for a brief moment of my gentle giant still living on the farm. The Amish man-boy who offered to keep me when he loved another. His selflessness led me back to Andrew and for that I would always be grateful. I breathed through the triggers and opened myself up to Andrew’s loving strokes and hard squeezes that brought me back to the present.
