by M. C. Cerny
“So because no one is willing to put them in a room together and ask them point blank everyone is catering to a barely legal girl’s feelings?” Sierra sounded outraged.
“Look, I’m not saying it’s right, but Whit is our friend. He was in a fire a while back and got injured so we tend to tread lightly after seeing Lia fall apart so hard.”
“Wow. I really did miss a lot.” She murmured.
I kissed the top of her head breathing in her faint violet scent.
“You have no idea.”
I contemplate attempting to text David when a bang sounds on the door.
“Hey! We’re in here!” Sierra pushed herself up and banged back on the door.
“Boss? Miss O?” Pedro shouted from the other side jiggling the knob. As much as I didn’t want my time with Sierra to end because we weren’t fighting for a change, it was time.
“It’s us Pedro, can you get the knob off?”
“Si, boss. Hang on.”
“Thank goodness for Pedro.” Sierra said.
A few minutes later and my barkeep had the knob off and the door open. I watched Sierra step outside the closet and stretch. Her blouse is untucked exposing her smooth, soft concave belly. My fingers itched to touch it but I don’t We’ve had enough heavy petting for tonight and casual conversation. I want to ask her to stay, come upstairs for a while, but I don’t.
She turned facing me as Pedro handed her purse to her. Her lips have turned upward and its awkward with someone watching the byplay between the two of us.
“I’ll see you around, Easton.”
“Let me call you a cab, Miss O.” Pedro walked with her and I watch them disappear into the crowd of the bar still hopping, dancing, and drinking. She doesn’t glance back over her shoulder and I don’t call her back desperately to stay. Is this what moving on feels like, because I fucking hate it.
25
Sierra
“You’re going to need a vehicle to drive the longer you stay here.” Andy said as he walked with me side by side. We rounded the house and stood in front of the dilapidated barn that doubled as a garage when my grandfather was alive.
“I think that’s a given, but I still haven’t decided what I’m doing with the winery.” I reached for the barn door and tugged at. The damn thing was locked or rusted shut, it was hard to tell and my tugs and grunts weren’t getting me anywhere.
I glanced over my shoulder. Andy propped himself against the door with a smug grin on his face and a tight t-shirt stretched over his chest. “A little help, please?” I asked batting my eyelashes.
Andy chuckled.
“Of course, my lady firefly.”
Together we pulled and grunted. Andy stepped behind me, his body covering mine. His erection rubbed against the back of my skirt and I leaned into him. If he was going to tease me with his big dick, I was going to tease him right back.
“I know what you’re doing,” I said giving the next pull all my strength.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“You’re being you again.” I scowled stopping my attempts to open the door. I couldn’t do it myself and the smug shit knew it. He could milk this for everything it was worth but it wasn’t going to change my mind.
“What does that even mean?” He sputtered. His lips touched the back of my neck and I was convinced he was going out of his way to drive me to madness with his subtle touches and cleverly showing up whenever I needed him.
“It means you’re being gallant. You’re being kind. Polite. I don’t know. Give it any adjective you want, but it doesn’t make me come to a decision any sooner.” He agitated me with his closeness and yet I wanted to pull him closer, slip inside him and live there safe and cozy as if no time at all had passed between us. An impossible reality, but a dream nevertheless.
Andy leaned into me, his breath against my neck flowed down my shoulder like a satin ribbon teasing my skin. “I think I’ve been more than patient, don’t you.”
“We’re only going to argue about this. I want to go. You want me to stay.” The discussion was old hat and I respected his relentless drive, but it still didn’t change facts. I was a bad penny, he didn’t want me, he wanted an idea of me that walked out on him, did unforgivable things.
“I don’t think it’s quiet the same thing as wanting to make sure you have safe transportation back and forth from town to the winery. You can’t keep calling taxis and Ubers. This is a college town, but it’s not New York or Vegas and once winter comes you’re going to want your own wheels.”
Andy was assuming I’d be here for the first snow and while that sounded romantic, I hadn’t seen snow in a decade and I didn’t plan on doing so now, or ever if possible.
“Maybe we should find the bikes. That’s gotta be easier than trying to open a door that’s been shut this long.” I reminisced about those summers biking back and forth. In the beginning, it had been both Easton boys and then only Andy once football started.
I lived for those days. I had no worries except getting home in time for dinner so Nona wouldn’t complain. Grandpa would tell stories about living in Greece as a boy before he met Nona, and if she went to bed early, he treated me with stories about my mother. I had few memories of her and no keepsakes. She’d gotten pregnant with me as a teenager and ruined her chance to be a prima ballerina. My father had been a boy who ran off with the circus if the stories were true. My gypsy blood offended my Nona while my mother had no interest in being a child herself raising a child. She dropped me off one day into my grandfather’s arms and ran away to live on the Cote Azure with a new lover. The died in a boating accident and my Nona banned her name from ever being spoken again. If it hadn’t been for my grandfather I might have thought I’d been birthed by wolves.
They moved here taking over a cousin’s winery when he died of old age and the rest I supposed was history for me. A long dark and lonely history that didn’t have much in the way of negativity until my Nona signed me up for dancing classes in the hopes of having me follow my mother’s footsteps. Little did she realize how true that would become.
“Where did you go, firefly?” Andy brushed my hair back and tilted my chin up. Our eyes met and he looked, truly saw me. I tried to shield my expression and look away but he wasn’t having it. I could have been naked and it wasn’t my skin he was seeing but that vulnerable part of myself I couldn’t hide even from him.
“Remember that summer we biked down to the river and on the way back it rained so hard the road washed out.”
“I remember my dad yelling at me like he never yelled before thinking we were missing or worse.”
“My Nona just looked at me like I’d disappointed her and went right back to cooking, but not my grandfather. He grounded me that summer and made me stick to his side walking up and down the rows of grapes and replanting the lemon trees in the greenhouse.”
Andy smiled like he remembered the bitter parts too only with time they had less bite. “That was the longest time we spent apart up until now.”
“I couldn’t wait to get back to school even though my English was still terrible and girls like Becky and her groupies teased me horribly.”
“If your Nona hadn’t fallen she would have homeschooled you that year. I might have never seen you if it wasn’t for the deliveries to the pub.”
“I think my grandfather felt bad for me once the shock wore off. I think he realized the only time I came out of my shell was around you.”
“Since we’re being so honest, I should tell you that I cried for a week and I heard my mother ask my dad to call your grandfather.”
It warmed my heart to know Andy the boy hadn’t changed too much from Andy the man. He didn’t have anyone fight his battles for him now but his heart was still oversized and dipped in gold. I shouldn’t have found that sexy. I shouldn’t have wanted him so badly as I did in the moment, but I did.
I cleared my throat and brushed that aside walking back to the door. “I guess I’m going to need that car then.�
��
“As you wish.” Andy crowded me again and we resumed our push and pull to open the door. Three more yanks and we finally had it rolling on the track. The doors spread open and the car I remembered lay underneath a canvas tarp. We worked together to pull off the heavy cover unearthing the ugliest vehicle ever.
I coughed from the dust and Andy pulled me out of the way.
“I don’t remember it being this…grey?”
“I thought it was brown?”
“Did he paint it?”
“A nineteen-ninety Chevrolet Celebrity? I doubt it. It was the boat of station wagons.”
“Ugly, Andy. Let’s call it what it was. Nona didn’t drive and when he died this thing sat here.”
“It’s older than we are, let’s see if it still runs.”
I fished the keys out of my dress pocket and tossed them to him. He caught them in one hand and unlocked the door. Thank god it was automatic or remote, the batter was probably dead. Andy opened the door and slid inside. He inserted the key and turned the ignition. It whined and sputtered but never turned on.
He leaned his head out the driver’s side window, “Maybe we can sell it and get you something newer.”
I cocked my head and walked around the dead car. “No. I kind of like it.”
“Babe, are you kidding me?” Andy deadpanned and I held back my laugh. I’d never seen him look so insulted, confused, and desperate to change my mind.
“It was my grandfather’s car. I want to keep it.”
“Sierra it doesn’t even turn on. It could have a family of mice living in it.”
“Well then, don’t you think it’s a good thing you couldn’t get it running. You might killed them.”
He groaned and dropped his head to the steering wheel.
“I think the shop in town can look it over. Evan’s brother Brody came back and bought it. He likes to restore classic muscle cars, but he might do me a solid favor for a keg.”
“Bartering beer for car repairs?”
“No promises. This isn’t your average classic car.” He got out of the vehicle shutting the door not bothering to lock it. He reached in his pocket for his cell phone.
“Calling for a tow?”
“I’m going to see if he’ll come out and look it over. I don’t want him to tow it for us to have to junk it later.”
“Oh my god, don’t say that in front of Cecilia.”
“Don’t name the car until we get it running. You are not keeping this thing if it’s a danger.”
I scoffed. I don’t know who Andy thought he was telling me what I could or couldn’t do. This car issues wasn’t an us problem. It was a me problem and I didn’t like the idea of him getting ahead of himself here with such possessive pronouns. It was entirely too relationship-y for my comfort.
“Be reasonable, Sierra. We can scrap this heap of junk for more than it’s blue book value.”
“But it’s all I have of grandpa.” I fluttered my eyelashes again pretending to pout. I made my lip quiver and Andy growled rolling his eyes and stalking toward me until I was forced to back up.
“Don’t do that to me.” He stepped forward and I stepped back.
“Do what?” I feigned innocence twirling a lock of loose hair seeing how far he’d take this.
“You know what, firefly. I want to put you over the hood of this shitty car and christen the shit out of it when you look at me like that.” Our bodies were flush, chest to chest and he eyes had that smolder that short-circuited my brain.
“How am I looking at you?” I asked honestly unsure of what he read in my gaze.
“You’re looking at me like you want me to eat you up. You make me feel like a lion hungry for a taste of the gazelle. You’re quick to get away but so help me god if I catch you I’m not letting you go again.” Andy backs off the second his monologue is finished. He stalked outside and I hear him on the phone trying to make arrangements for the car. He needed distance. I got that loud and clear. I was supposed to be taunting him like this. It wasn’t fair. I gulped back the dryness of empty promises and wobbled after him. No good could come of this.
“Evan gave me Brody’s number and Brody said he can come by tonight or tomorrow. Which is better?”
I kept on swallowing the dust from the barn. “Whatever is easiest for him.” What I really needed was to get the heck out of here. I was currently living in the cottage on the other side of the property since the house was being rented by a family so the winery could make the payments on a loan my grandfather had taken the year I left. He’d hired all kinds of private detectives to find me and bring me back even though I was eighteen and an adult. He ran the winery into debt and forever put a wedge between him and my Nona.
The guilt ate at me, but not as much as seeing rows of lilac bushes that hadn’t been there before.
Evan’s phone buzzed with an incoming message but my legs took me further into the lilac grove. “Babe, Brody can come tomorrow.”
I nodded and then answered him as I rubbed the last blooms of the year between my fingers haunted by a memory I wasn’t sure was even mine. “That’s great.” I walked farther and farther until I found a small bench in the middle and I twirled around taking it all in. A marble square laid in the middle with a fat cherub angel on top.
I didn’t like this place and I didn’t like the rush of feelings overcoming me threatening to tear open my secret.
Andy was sitting on the bench a sadness engulfed him. If felt like sea water bloated the moment and tears were barely under the scratched and barnacled surface.
“Sit with me Sierra.” He patted the smooth wood surface.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Andrew.”
“Humor me for once.” He patted the wood again.
Sullenly, I sat on the bench attempting to put distance, even if only inches between us. I fiddled with my skirt adjusting the fabric. Andy reached for me hand shackling me to him.
“Your grandfather planted the lilacs when he realized you weren’t coming home a year later. The marble angel followed soon after. I didn’t understand why he’d go to such lengths to put in another garden when he needed to be growing grapes.”
“I don’t want to hear this story.” I tried to pull my hand away, but Andy refused to let go. If anything, he held me there tighter with no escape.
“I think what you’re looking for is the desire to not live in this reality, but none of us are given that choice. Least of all me in this tale.”
Bitter bile wormed its way up my throat threatening to choke me.
“Andrew.” I begged him to stop with one word.
“Lilacs are often planted in remembrance, often when mothers loose a child.” He said and I looked away. I looked anywhere but at him as he continued talking.
“I didn’t make the connection until he asked me as his site manager to pick out a memorial stone. I thought he was going to tell me something had happened to you. I just didn’t expect him to say what.”
“Did he tell you.”
“No.”
I stay silent because the horrible truth of mine is finally coming to light. It’s all on the table now and Andy finally sees me for what I am.
“I wish you had told me. I wish I had a say and I wish you had let me be a part for your pain.”
“Oh Andrew.” I cupped my hand over my mouth holding back the cry.
“It happened in the dark of night and then you were gone. I found the hospital records some detective had unearthed but it didn’t explain why or how.”
“I am so sorry.”
Andy sat back like my apology was finally the thing to blow him away.
“Sorry because you didn’t tell me that you lost our baby?”
“No. I’m sorry because I wish it had been our baby.”
26
Andy
“What?” I couldn’t register the words she was saying. She’d hidden an accident and a miscarriage from me for ten years. She ran away still my wife and then the mo
st hurtful part she tries to deny our baby’s parentage.
I’m so blown away in my anger that I don’t see her shaking. I didn’t see the pallor of her skin or the way her lips parted in an anguished cry until it’s too late.
I lashed out.
My mind blanked and I spouted things that had been pent up inside me for ten years. I was like a backed up electrical current when the transformer blows. Loud. Messy sparks. Dangerous at first but quickly fizzling to nothing but darkness.
27
Sierra
Andy shut me out going radio silent. Not that I blamed him for the bomb I dropped. I paced the cottage back and forth, but it didn’t give me any answers or solace. I tried drowning in tequila, but the bitter burn didn’t numb me sufficiently.
I stared at my prepaid phone considering a call to Emmett but that wouldn’t be fair to anyone. He deserved better than that and I had to fight my battles on my own.
A week passed and I finally left the cottage more because I need groceries then I did anything else. Human contact felt painful and abrasive. I passed a mother in the cereal aisle. She was my age or thereabouts and had three children with her. Twins about six or seven and a newborn sleeping in its carrier. I couldn’t tell if the baby was a boy or a girl and I thought maybe the mom was too tired to dress the kid in anything but neutral yellows and greys. I never did find out the sex of my baby and I don’t even know how I feel about it.
My stomach turned and I leave my cart of groceries in the aisle pulling my jacket tight and walking out of the store. At least my cart had been filled with non-perishables. I could absolve myself of the guilt knowing nothing would spoil since I hadn’t gotten far in my shopping. My legs carried me automatically down Main Street until I was standing in front of the pub. A glance at the town clock said it was four thirty and I figured that was close enough to five o’clock somewhere.
I opened the door and slipped inside. A few tables were occupied and the bar was empty. I slid onto a stool at the end and waved at Pedro.
