two yearsfor one summer to roll around.
After the summary demise of three Grand Councilors whose deaths wererecorded by the press as occurring from "natural causes," the othermajor and minor mobs were declared in as partners.
The first problem to be ironed out was how to speed up transportation;and failing that, to construct spacious space ships which wouldattract pleasure-bent trade from _Terra_--Earth to you--with suchinnovations as roulette wheels, steam rooms, cocktail lounges, doublerooms with hot and cold babes, and other such inducements.
II
THE INSIDE STUFF CONFIDENTIAL
Remember, you got this first from Lait and Mortimer. And we defyanyone to call us liars--and prove it!
Only chumps bring babes with them to Mars. The temperature is a littlecolder there than on Earth and the air a little thinner. So Terradames complain one mink coat doesn't keep them warm; they need two.
On the other hand, the gravity is considerably less than on Earth.Therefore, even the heaviest bim weighs less and can be pushed overwith the greatest of ease.
However, the boys soon discovered that the lighter gravity playedhavoc with the marijuana trade. With a slight tensing of the musclesyou can jump 20 feet, so why smoke "tea" when you can fly like crazyfor nothing?
Martian women are bags, so perhaps you had better disregard theinjunction above and bring your own, even if it means two furs.
Did you ever see an Alaska _klutch_ (pronounced klootch)? Probablynot. Well, these Arctic horrors are Ziegfeld beauts compared to theMartian fair sex.
They slouch with knees bent and knuckles brushing the ground, and ifRingling Bros, is looking for a mate for Gargantua, here is where tofind her. Yet, their manner is habitually timid, as though they'vebeen given a hard time. From the look in their deep-set eyes they seemto fear abduction or rape; but not even the zoot-suited goons fromGreenpernt gave them a second tumble.
The visiting Mafia delegation was naturally disappointed at this stateof affairs. They had been led to believe by the little guy whoescorted them that all Martian dames resembled Marilyn Monroe, onlymore so, and the men were Adonises (and not Joe).
Seems they once were, at that. This was a couple of aeons ago whenEarthmen looked like Martians do now, which seems to indicate thatMartians, as well as Men, have their ups and downs.
The citizens of the planet are apparently about halfway down thetoboggan. They wear clothes, but they're not handstitched. Theirneckties don't come from Sulka. No self-respecting goon from Gowanuswould care to be seen in their company.
The females always appear in public fully clothed, which doesn't helpthem either. But covering their faces would. They buy their dresses ata place called Kress-Worth and look like Paris _nouveau riche_.
There are four separate nations there, though nation is hardly theword. It is more accurate to say there are four separate clans thatdon't like each other, though how they can tell the difference isbeyond us. They are known as the East Side, West Side, North Side andGas House gangs.
Each stays in its own back-yard. Periodic wars are fought, a fewthousand of the enemy are dissolved with ray guns, after which thefactions retire by common consent and throw a banquet at which thelosing country is forced to take the wives of the visitors, which is atwist not yet thought of on Earth.
Martian language is unlike anything ever heard below. It would bafflethe keenest linguist, if the keenest linguist ever gets to Mars.However, the Mafia, which is a world-wide blood brotherhood withcolonies in every land and clime, has a universal language. Knives andbrass knucks are understood everywhere.
The Martian lingo seems to be somewhat similar to Chinese. It's notwhat they say, but how they say it. For instance, _psonqule_ may mean"I love you" or "you dirty son-of-a-bitch."
The Mafistas soon learned to translate what the natives were saying bywatching the squint in their eyes. When they spoke with a certainexpression, the mobsters let go with 45s, which, however, merely havea stunning effect on the gent on the receiving end because of thelesser gravity.
On the other hand, the Martian death ray guns were not fatal to thetoughs from Earth; anyone who can live through St. Valentine's Day inChicago can live through anything. So it came out a dead heat.
Thereupon the boys from the Syndicate sat down and declared theMartians in for a fifty-fifty partnership, which means they actuallygave them one per cent, which is generous at that.
Never having had the great advantages of a New Deal, the Martians arestill backward and use gold as a means of exchange. With no Harvardbigdomes to tell them gold is a thing of the past, the yellow metalcirculates there as freely and easily as we once kicked pennies aroundbefore they became extinct here.
The Mafistas quickly set the Martians right about the futility ofgold. They eagerly turned it over to the Earthmen in exchange forgreen certificates with pretty pictures engraved thereon.
III
RACKETS VIA ROCKETS
Gold, platinum, diamonds and other precious stuff are as plentiful onMars as hayfever is on Earth in August.
When the gangsters lamped the loot, their greedy eyes and greasyfingers twitched, and when a hood's eyes and fingers twitch, watchout; something is twitching.
The locals were completely honest. They were too dumb to be thieves.The natives were not acquisitive. Why should they be when gold was socommon it had no value, and a neighbor's wife so ugly no one wouldcovet her?
This was a desperate situation, indeed, until one of the boys fromEast St. Louis uttered the eternal truth: "There ain't no honest manwho ain't a crook, and why should Mars be any different?"
The difficulty was finding the means and method of corruption. All thecash in Jake Guzik's strong box meant nothing to a race of characterswhose brats made mudpies of gold dust.
The discovery came as an accident.
The first Earthman to be eliminated on Mars was a two-bit hood fromNorth Clark Street who sold a five-cent Hershey bar with almonds to aMartian for a gold piece worth 94 bucks.
The man from Mars bit the candy bar. The hood bit the gold piece.
Then the Martian picked up a rock and beaned the lad from the WindyCity. After which the Martian's eyes dilated and he let out a scream.Then he attacked the first Martian female who passed by. Never beforehad such a thing happened on Mars, and to say she was surprised isputting it lightly. Thereupon, half the female population ran afterthe berserk Martian.
When the organization heard about this, an investigation was ordered.That is how the crime trust found out that there is no sugar on Mars;that this was the first time it had ever been tasted by a Martian;that it acts on them like junk does on an Earthman.
They further discovered that the chief source of Martian dietis--believe it or not--poppy seed, hemp and coca leaf, and that thealkaloids thereof: opium, hasheesh and cocaine have not the slightestvisible effect on them.
Poppies grow everywhere, huge russet poppies, ten times as large asthose on Earth and 100 times as deadly. It is these poppies which havecolored the planet red. Martians are strictly vegetarian: they bake,fry and stew these flowers and weeds and eat them raw with a goo madefrom fungus and called _szchmortz_ which passes for a salad dressing.
Though the Martians were absolutely impervious to the narcoticqualities of the aforementioned flora, they got higher than Mars onsmall doses of sugar.
So the Mafia was in business. The Martians sniffed granulated sugar,which they called snow. They ate cube sugar, which they called "hardstuff", and they injected molasses syrup into their veins with hyposand called this "mainliners."
There was nothing they would not do for a pinch of sugar. Gold,platinum and diamonds, narcotics by the acre--these were to be had ingenerous exchange for sugar--which was selling on Earth at a nickel orso a pound wholesale.
The space ship went into shuttle service. A load of diamonds and dopecoming back, a load of sugar and blondes going up. Blondes madeMartians higher even than sugar, and brought larger and quickerreturns.
This is a con
fidential tip to the South African diamond trust: tenspace ship loads of precious stones are now being cut in a cellar onBleecker Street in New York. The mob plans to retail them for $25 acarat!
Though the gangsters are buying sugar at a few cents a pound here andselling it for its weight in rubies on Mars, a hood is always a hood.They've been cutting dope with sugar for years on Earth, so theydidn't know how to do it any different on Mars. What to cut the sugarwith on Mars? Simple. With heroin, of course, which is worthlessthere.
This is a brief rundown on the racket situation as it currently existson our sister planet.
_FAKED PASSPORTS_: When the boys first landed they found only vagueboundaries between the nations, and Martians could roam as theypleased. Maybe this is why they stayed close to home. Though anywaywhy should they travel? There was nothing to see.
The boys quickly took care of this. First, in order to make travelalluring, they brought 20 strippers from Calumet City and set thempeeling just beyond the border lines.
Then they went to the chieftains and sold them a bill of goods (with agenerous bribe of sugar) to close the borders. The next step was tocorrupt the border guards, which was easy with Annie Oakleys to dothe burlesque shows.
The selling price for faked passports fluctuates between a ton andthree tons of platinum.
_VICE_: Until the arrival of the Earthmen, there were no illicitsexual relations on the planet. In fact, no Martian in his right mindwould have relations with the native crop of females, and they in turnfelt the same way about the males. Laws had to be passed requiring allable-bodied citizens to marry and propagate.
Thus, the first load of bims from South Akard Street in Dallas foundeager customers. But these babes, who romanced anything in pants onearth, went on a stand-up strike when they saw and smelled theMartians. Especially smelled. They smelled worse than Texas yahoosjust off a cow farm.
This proved embarrassing, to say the least, to the procurers.Considerable sums of money were invested in this human cargo, and theboys feared dire consequences from their shylocks, should they returnempty-handed.
In our other Confidential essays we told you how the Mafia employssome of the best brains on Earth to direct and manage its far-flungproperties, including high-priced attorneys, accountants, real-estateexperts, engineers and scientists.
A hurried meeting of the Grand Council was called and held in abungalow on the shores of one of Minneapolis' beautiful lakes. Thedecision reached there was to corner chlorophyll (which accounts inpart for the delay in putting it on the market down here) and ship itto Mars to deodorize the populace there. After which the ladies of theevening got off their feet and went back to work.
_GAMBLING_: Until the arrival of the Mafia, gambling on Mars wasconfined to a simple game played with children's jacks. The loser hadto relieve the winner of his wife.
The Mafia brought up some fine gambling equipment, including thelayouts from the Colonial Inn in Florida, and the Beverly in NewOrleans, both of which were closed, and taught the residents how toshoot craps and play the wheel, with the house putting up sugaragainst precious stones and metals. With such odds, it was notnecessary to fake the games more than is customary on Earth.
IV
LITTLE NEW YORK CONFIDENTIAL
Despite what Earth-bound professors tell you about the Martianatmosphere, we know better. They weren't there.
It is a dogma that Mars has no oxygen. Baloney. While it is true thatthere is considerably less than on Earth in the surface atmosphere,the air underground, in caves, valleys and tunnels, has plenty tosupport life lavishly, though why Martians want to live after theylook at each other we cannot tell you, even confidential.
For this reason Martian cities are built underground, and travelbetween them is carried on through a complicated system of subwayspredating the New York IRT line by several thousand centuries, thoughto the naked eye there is little difference between a Brooklyn expressand a Mars express, yet the latter were built before the Pyramids.
When the first load of Black Handers arrived, they naturally balkedagainst living underground. It reminded them too much of the daysbefore they went "legitimate" and were constantly on the lam andhiding out.
So the Mafia put the Martians to work building a town. There are nobuilding materials on the planet, but the Martians are adept at makinggold dust hold together with diamond rivets. The result of theireffort--for which they were paid in peppermint sticks and lumpsugar--is named Little New York, with hotels, nightclubs, bars,haberdashers, Turkish baths and horse rooms. Instead ofair-conditioning, it had oxygen-conditioning. But the town had nopolice station.
There were no cops!
Finally, a meeting was held at which one punk asked another, "What thehell kind of town is it with no cops? Who we going to bribe?"
After some discussion they cut cards. One of the Bergen County boysdrew the black ace. "What do I know about being a cop?" he squawked.
"You can take graft, can't you? You been shook down, ain't you?"
* * * * *
The boys also imported a couple of smart mouthpieces and a ship ofblank habeas corpus forms, together with a judge who was the brotherof one of the lawyers, so there was no need to build a jail in thismodel city.
The only ones who ever get arrested, anyway, are the Martians, andthey soon discovered that the coppers from _Terra_ would look theother way for a bucket full of gold.
Until the arrival of the Earthmen, the Martians were, as stated,peaceful, and even now crime is practically unknown among them. Thechief problem, however, is to keep them in line on pay nights, whenthey go on sugar binges.
Chocolate bars are as common on Mars as saloons are on Broadway, andit is not unusual to see "gone" Martians getting heaved out of thesebars right into the gutter. One nostalgic hood from Seattle said itreminded him of Skid Row there.
V
THE RED RED PLANET
The gangsters had not been on Mars long before they heard rumors aboutother outsiders who were supposed to have landed on the other side of_Mt. Sirehum_.
The boys got together in a cocktail lounge to talk this over, and theydecided they weren't going to stand for any other mobs muscling in.
Thereupon, they despatched four torpedoes with Tommy guns in a bigblack limousine to see what was going.
We tell you this Confidential. What they found was a Communistapparatus sent to Mars from Soviet Russia.
This cell was so active that Commies had taken over almost half theplanet before the arrival of the Mafia, with their domain extendingfrom the _Deucalionis Region_ all the way over to _Phaethontis_ anddown to _Titania_.
Furthermore, through propaganda and infiltration, there were Communistcells in every quarter of the planet, and many of the top officials ofthe four Martian governments were either secretly party members oropenly in fronts.
The Communist battle cry was: "Men of Mars unite; you have nothing tolose but your wives."
Comes the revolution, they were told, and all Martians could remainbachelors. It is no wonder the Communists made such inroads. Theplanet became known as "The Red Red Planet."
In their confidential books about the cities of Earth, Lait andMortimer explored the community of interest between the organizedunderworld and the Soviet.
Communists are in favor of anything that causes civil disorder andunrest; gangsters have no conscience and will do business with anyonewho pays.
On Earth, Russia floods the Western powers, and especially the UnitedStates, with narcotics, first to weaken them and provide easy prey,and second, for dollar exchange.
And on Earth, the Mafia, which is another international conspiracylike the Communists, sells the narcotics.
And so when the gangsters heard there were Communist cells on Mars,they quickly made a contact.
For most of the world's cheap sugar comes from Russia! The Mafiainroad on the American sugar market had already driven cane up morethan 300 per cent. But the Russians were anxious, able
and willing toprovide all the beets they wanted at half the competitive price.
VI
THE HONEST HOODS
As we pointed out in previous works, the crime syndicate now owns somuch money, its chief problem is to find ways in which to invest it.
As a result, the Mafia and its allies control thousands of legitimateenterprises ranging from hotel chains to railroads and from laundriesto distilleries.
And so it was on Mars. With all the rackets cornered, the gangstersdecided it was time to go into some straight businesses.
At the next get-together of the Grand Council, the followingconversation was heard:
"What do these mopes need that they ain't getting?"
"A big fat hole in the head."
"Cut it out. This is serious."
"A hole in the head ain't serious?"
"There's no profit in them one-shot deals."
"It's the repeat business you make the dough on."
"Maybe you got something there. You can kill a jerk only once."
"But a jerk can have relatives."
"We're talking about legit stuff. All the rest has been taken careof."
"With the Martians I've seen, a bar of soap could be a big thing."
From this random suggestion, there sprang up a major interplanetaryproject. If the big soap companies are wondering where all that soapwent a few years ago, we can tell them.
It went to Mars.
Soap caught on immediately. It was snapped up as fast as it arrived.
But several questions popped into the minds of the Mafia soapsalesman.
Where was it all going? A Martian, in line for a bar in the evening,was back again the following morning for another one.
And why did the Martians stay just as dirty as ever?
The answer was, the Martians stayed as dirty as ever because theyweren't using the soap to wash with. They were eating it!
It cured the hangover from sugar.
Another group cornered the
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