He taps his fingers on the table. “Where are the kids? They didn’t even say hello.”
BEE
She has a new follower on IG. Who the hell is Cam? He slid into her DMs this morning.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all
She recognizes the poem, it’s Emily Dickinson, one of her favorite poets. She scrolls through his Insta. He’s hot, but in a not-trying-too-hard way, more of a here I am standing in line at the taco truck way.
She DMs him back. You’re for sure a bot hahaha
Then she shuts off her phone and goes sledding with her cousins. The day is cold and bright. Speeding down the slope, the sharp smell of pine and woodsmoke in the air. Her skin feels deliciously goosebumpy.
“Are you happy?” asks her mother. “You look happy,” she adds, nudging her to confirm this so she can relax, so she can be happy. Bee feels bad for her mother. She’s such a burden. A thing that needs constant monitoring, tweaking, temperature-gauging.
“I’m happy, Mom.” She isn’t lying. There’s a tiny seed of hope in her.
* * *
When she gets back to her uncle’s house, she races to check her phone.
I am most decidedly not a bot.
Why did you send me that poem?
“Bee, lunch!” Bee inhales her ham sandwich. She stares at her phone the entire time.
“You’re being rude,” says her mother. “Your cousins aren’t on their phones, are they?”
Her mother beams at Emma and Sam. Bee loves the twins, but they can be goody-goodies. Also, they’re two years younger than she is. There’s only so much they have in common.
“Sorry, grades are about to be posted,” she says to them.
Her mother makes a face. “I don’t want you to worry about grades. You’re on vacation. Besides, I’m sure you did fine.”
Her mother doesn’t want her to worry about anything. As if that would ever be possible. Worry is what fuels her engine. Vroom, vroom! She wants to shout it out loud like a kindergartner but she doesn’t because then her mother will worry. Her phone chimes.
Because ED is one of my favorite poets.
Bee bolts out of her seat.
“You’re not finished,” says her mother.
“I’m full,” Bee calls out, running up the stairs.
Omg same!
I know.
How do you know that?
June 22.
Bee scrolls back through her pics to June 22. A shot of her desk, The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson on a pile of books.
Wait why did you pick that poem tho?
I dunno, I guess it kind of speaks to where I’m at.
What do you mean?
In transition. Sorta coming out.
Of course he’s queer. Another boy who just wants to be friends. Shit.
Homeschooled, no social media.
Oh you mean coming out by getting an insta?
Yah. Not sure I like it, but I don’t wanna be in the homeschool bubble anymore.
I hate the bubble lol
So what perches in your soul beebee15?
The sudden intimacy of his question hollows her out.
* * *
January 1
I’m having French toast fingers for breakfast, Bee messages.
What’s that?
Sliced French toast obvi. We’re on vacation. It’s a vacation breakfast. What are you having?
Froot Loops.
My mom won’t let me have Froot Loops.
Oh, she’s one of those mothers?
Haha
My mother doesn’t give a shit what I eat.
So weird cuz you’re homeschooled
She seems so concerned about your education wouldn’t she be concerned about your nutrition lol
The cupboards are filled with Pop-Tarts.
I want to live at your house lol. Do you have siblings?
Only me.
Same. What’s your dad like?
Kinda checked out.
That sucks.
Could be worse. What about your father?
He died when I was three
Oh, shit. I’m really sorry.
It was a long time ago
Yah, but still.
Ya I miss him
Is your mom remarried?
No but she’s dating this guy
Do you like him?
He’s growing on me lol
Does your mother like him?
She really really likes him
Loves him, likes him?
Why are we talking about my mom’s love life lol
Hello Cam?
I’m new to this. I’m so uncool LOL
Haha no worries
January 3
Ugh back in school. You’re so lucky you’re homeschooled. School is such shit my friends are such shit
Really?
Yes really lol. You think I’m lying?
But you have so many followers. You get tons of comments
Doesn’t mean I’m happy tho
Do you have a bff?
Do you?
No, maybe, I’m not sure
I guess I used to but she low-key dropped me. Marley. We met in kindergarten. We were really close when we were younger. We’ve sort of reconnected but I don’t know if it’s going to work out. She doesn’t really like who I am anymore haha.
Do you like who you are?
Idk who I am. It feels like my identity shifts depending on who I’m with. I hate that but I can’t stop it. Can’t believe I’m telling you all these personal things lol
Sometimes it’s easier to confide in a stranger
How far a drive is San Diego to Oakland
9 or 10 hours
Maybe someday we could meet each other
Aren’t we meeting each other now?
I’m lonely lol
Shit. Can’t believe I just said that
Tf is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes I feel like the apocalypse has already happened and I’m the only person left in the world and I don’t know it because I’m in a sort of sim and I think I’m talking to a girl named beebee15 but really beebee15 is a robot
Definitely not a robot ;)
Maybe you should try harder with Marley
Well we have been texting. We’ll see. The worst thing about Marley is her mother. She’s cray-cray lol
What do you mean?
She’s like obsessed with me. I always catch her staring at me with this weird hungry look in her eyes
Plus she’s so mean to Marley and Marley’s low-key vulnerable
Maybe her mother is trying to protect her
Whose side are you on lol? No she’s a bitch to Marley
I think Marley followed me
Probs I’m sure everybody follows you, you’re hot lol
Did you see my last text?
I saw it I’m just ignoring it. I don’t want the focus to be on my looks
Too late you probs shouldn’t post photos of your washboard abs then
Who’s your fav musician and don’t say Ed Sheeran haha ;)
Adam Levine
I’m unfollowing you
JK. Nick Drake
Never heard of him
Pink Moon—you should listen to it
You’re not like most guys
You’re not like most girls. Check comments January 1
On January 1, Bee posted a selfie showcasing her bed head with the caption “New year, new hair. Keratin treatment here I come.”
She scrolls through the comments.
@Cam Don’t straighten your hair. It’s beautiful natural.
His comment has been liked 102 times.
* * *
At school, Bee is courted like the queen she is. Because of Cam, her social currency has skyrocketed.
“OMG, who is Cam?”
“H
ow long have you known him?”
“He’s so HOTTTTTTTTT.”
And the question nobody dares to ask? Why you? Bee knows that’s what everybody is thinking and she wonders the same thing. Her Insta is nothing special, yet there was something about her that made him reach out. What was it?
Bee studies her Instagram. Her pics are mostly selfies, rarely revealing, rarely original, and yet, he sniffed out something—the Bee she’s in the process of becoming. She can feel the metamorphosis taking place. She is special, she always knew it, and Cam is proof of this.
January 21
Hey beebee. How did you sleep?
Slept through the alarm. My mom had to wake me up
So that’s good
Ya good. I have insomnia a lot
Not lately?
Lately better. Noticed you got 43 new followers most of them are my friends haha
It’s weirding me out. Do I have to follow them back?
No but you should tbh
Why?
It’s polite? Besides don’t you want followers? That’s what social media is, just likes and followers and comments lol
Not sure I want the attention
If you weren’t on Insta we wouldn’t have met
That’s been the only good thing about it. Are you happy today?
Ya so happy
Me too
GEMMA
When Gemma gets home the table is set. Water boils in a pot on the stove. A box of fettuccine sits on the counter alongside a jar of pasta sauce. Bee did this?
Bee darts out of the bathroom. “Mom!” She pushes out her lower lip. “I thought you weren’t going to be home until later. I wanted to surprise you.”
“You have surprised me! You’re making dinner?”
“Don’t get all excited, it’s just pasta.”
Gemma puts down her purse. “Just pasta! I love pasta. It’s my favorite.” She hugs Bee and Bee actually hugs her back.
Gemma sits at the table. “So how was your day?”
Bee throws a pinch of salt into the water. Where did she learn to do that?
“Same old same old. But good.”
“Would you care to elaborate?”
Bee rolls her eyes in a friendly way. “No, I would not, Mom.” She sticks out her tongue at Gemma and Gemma laughs. They both laugh.
Bee’s phone chimes. She checks it. Her mouth drops open, her eyes widen. She gives a little gasp.
Now what? Everything feels so vaporous. They are thousands of feet in the air, walking a tightrope between the past and the future.
Gemma’s visit to New Hampshire was grounding but also deeply unsettling. Her father was experiencing unmistakable glitches in his memory, just as his father had before him. Yes, Shirley could be smug, smothering, and annoying. She also took excellent care of Paul. She’d brought him to a top neurologist in Boston who confirmed he was in the very early stages of dementia.
Both Scott and Shirley were on it now, working as a team. Researching the latest meds and supplements. Keeping his brain active and his body moving. Scott promised he’d loop Gemma in on everything. She never had told Scott about Bee’s issues. He had his hands full with their father, and she had her hands full with Bee. Gemma planned to go back to New Hampshire in June, right after school ended. She’d confide in him then.
“Is everything all right?” asks Gemma.
“Everything is so all right, Mom.” Bee clutches her phone to her breast. “I’ve never been happier.”
* * *
They’ve snagged a window seat at Blue Bottle.
“I know it’s last minute, I’m glad you could come,” says Gemma. “I’ve missed you, Ruth.”
“You’ve had a lot on your plate,” Ruth says flatly. She takes a sip of her coffee. “So how’s Bee doing?”
Gemma feels herself lighting up like an electric burner. Going from yellow to orange to red. Finally, she has good news to share. “She’s so much better!”
“Really? So what’s brought about this change?”
“I think it’s the medication. The Prozac, we finally got the dosage right.”
“That must be such a relief.”
“I can’t even tell you. I know I’ve been kind of unavailable this last month. I’m really sorry. I’ve just been hibernating.” Not true. She’s seen Simon. “But I’m back now.”
Gemma knows Ruth feels abandoned, but she had to get away. And in her defense Ruth can be super needy. But now she longs to hang out with her. Her bestie. Her biggest cheerleader.
“I’m so grateful to you,” Gemma says.
“You are? For what?”
“For, everything I guess. You’ve done so much for me, for us.”
Gemma takes out her phone. “Let’s get some things on the calendar. Dinner Saturday night? The new Korean place in Temescal? It got great reviews. They don’t take reservations but that’ll be kinda cool, kinda hip, don’t you think? We can have cocktails while we wait in line. Then next week Mamma Mia! is at the Orpheum. You’ve probably seen it already but it’s one of those shows—”
“Don’t worry about the six K,” says Ruth, interrupting her. “For Aspen. Just forget it.”
“What? Are you sure?”
Dear God, thank you, thank you, thank you! Okay, you can’t just accept right off. You have to protest a little, but not too much.
Gemma shakes her head. “No, I owe you. I’ll pay that money back, just give me some time. I feel terrible about canceling at the last minute.”
“Stop it. Bee was in trouble. Everything else comes second when your kid is in crisis. But she’s better now, right?”
“Yes. Yes she is.”
Ruth glows. She beams. “Consider the debt paid off.”
BEE
January 30
Ever been to Costa Rica Bee?
Nah, why?
We go there every spring. My parents are crazy about CR. Plus it’s cheap
When this spring?
April
What about school tho?
The world is my classroom. Hahaha. One of the few benefits of being homeschooled
I’m jealous lol what’s Costa Rica like?
Sick surf really lit
Wait how long are you going for?
Coupla months
Will you have wifi or something
Yah but it’s kinda spotty
Oh
So what’s new with you?
Nothing
Don’t say nothing. Don’t clam up. What are you doing tonight?
Hanging with the girls
Sounds like fun
It isn’t. It’s boring as shit. We always do the same thing. Watch Netflix. Talk about who’s hooking up. It’s all just surface stuff. My friends are so shallow they’re not capable of having deep conversations. They don’t ask me questions like you do. Everybody just takes turns talking at each other. I can’t wait to get out of high school
Guess I’m not missing anything
You’re not missing a thing believe me. These girls they’d stab me in the back in a minute. I think they secretly wish something bad would happen to me. They’re so jealous. What’s that word that means you get happy from other people’s misery. Begins with an S idk
But why would they want you to suffer?
Cuz I’m popular
How popular?
Queen B popular. Everything revolves around me. They’re so insecure. They don’t do anything without my permission. Well maybe not my permission, but without running it by me first
You seem sad today Bee. Did something happen?
You’re going to Costa Rica for two months
We’ll still be able to talk to each other
Spotty wifi, remember? You’ll be back in June?
Hopefully
What do you mean hopefully?
You know it makes sense that your friends come to you for advice. You’re not like most girls. You feel things deeply. Sometimes maybe you feel so deeply it sucks
; Yes exactly!! I wish I had a volume button for my emotions so I could just turn them down
Mute them when I need to
That would be nice. I could use one of those
You could?
I know I’m supposed to pretend I don’t have any emotions because it’s not masculine, but sometimes…
What?
Sometimes they just overwhelm me. And I can’t get them back down. And sometimes I do bad things when I’m in that place. Things I’m not proud of
Like what?
I’m not going to tell you
You don’t have to be ashamed with me. I do bad things too. We all do don’t we?
I guess. Talking to you always makes me feel better. It doesn’t even matter you’re not here. It’s like you are
I know. It feels so real. Way realer than real life. I go away from our conversations and I feel full and that fullness doesn’t leave
I feel that way too. Like I carry you into my day
Is that Emily? I carry you into my day? I love that!
Nope that’s me. And the effect of you on me
Dyinngggggg now xx
* * *
Bee watches Marley out of the corner of her eye. She’s sitting at the lunch table next to hers, all alone. Bee hasn’t seen her in the cafeteria in months; usually she eats in the library.
She should get up and join her. Or she should invite her to her table. She should do a lot of things that she doesn’t. The cafeteria is packed. Sooner or later somebody will sit down with her, she thinks.
“Is that a new trend?” Coco laughs.
Lewis. He’s wearing his backpack on the front, as if he’s afraid somebody will steal the two tons of books he lugs around because he refuses to put them in his locker. He glances at Marley anxiously and then approaches her table.
“Can I sit here?” he asks.
Marley nods her affirmation and Lewis sits. He unzips the front pocket of his backpack and pulls out his lunch. A baggie full of lunch meat. A baggie with two pieces of bread. A baggie with some light brown gook. Hummus? And a baggie of sliced yellow peppers. Bee remembers he never liked his foods to touch.
He says something to Marley and Marley frowns.
“Two peas in a pod,” says Coco, following Bee’s gaze.
“Daaang,” says Aditi. “Check out Wendy Lee.”
The conversation turns, as it usually does, to who’s the hottest kid in school. Who has the most rocking six-pack. The best boobs. Bee doesn’t participate much, she doesn’t have to. Everybody knows she’s off the market and everybody knows what a hottie she’s snagged. Soulful-eyed Cam. Thanks to the Gram, they’ve seen him eating an apple while balancing on a skateboard. Dancing around a bonfire on the beach. Standing in line for a smoothie.
Did I Say You Could Go Page 19
