by Marta Perry
She tried to hold the glass, but her hands shook. He clasped it in his and raised it to her lips. She gulped it down as if thirsty, but then in a moment she pushed it away, straightening in the chair.
“Enough,” she murmured. “I’m all right. Sorry.”
“My fault.” He sank into the chair next to her. “Beth, please understand. James was gone, and you didn’t seem to suspect anything. How could I tell you then? It would have hurt you to no purpose. I wanted to protect you and Benjy. If I was wrong, I’m sorry.”
She shook her head slowly. “I understand. But I’d rather have the truth.”
They sat silently. Daniel felt empty. He’d told her everything he knew. He couldn’t do more.
After a bit, his mind started to work. He went back over everything they’d said to each other about James, and he saw something he’d wondered about.
He straightened, staring at Beth. “You suspected, didn’t you? Not just because of what the driver said about James. You already thought something was wrong, didn’t you?”
Beth looked at him, her green eyes darkening as if night was falling.
“Yah. I did.” Beth seemed to come to a decision. “Wait here.”
She walked to the hallway, and he heard her light footsteps going up the stairs. He stood where he was, wondering what was coming and how he could deal with it. He owed something to James as his friend, but even more to Beth, who was hurting so much.
* * *
It took Beth only a few moments to retrieve the note from its hiding place in her bedroom. She hesitated, holding it by the edges. She disliked even the feel of it against her fingers.
Perhaps if she’d burned it the day she’d discovered it, she’d have been able to forget, but it had been impossible. At first, she’d tortured herself by reading it over and over, trying to tease some meaning or identity from it.
Since she’d become so involved in the store, the power of that piece of paper had lessened. She hadn’t looked at it in days, and she didn’t want to see it now. And most particularly she didn’t want to show it to Daniel.
There was no getting out of it now. She’d given too much away to keep it a secret now. Besides, she owed him the truth. He’d been open with her.
It couldn’t have been easy for Daniel to tell her about that last conversation he’d had with James. She’d had no trouble recognizing the guilt and pain in his eyes when he’d spoken. After all, she’d felt the same herself—regretting every sharp word or thought of their marriage.
Refusing to let herself delay any longer, she marched back downstairs and into the kitchen. Dropping the note in front of him, she slipped back into the chair she’d vacated.
“I found this about a month after James died.” She struggled for a second and then blurted out the rest of it. “Lydia had come over to help me get his clothes ready to give away.” She felt again the aversion she’d felt that day. “I didn’t want to, but she pushed me into it. I found the note in his drawer of the chest upstairs.”
Daniel had read it by this time, and his forehead was knotted into a frown. “You’re thinking it referred to that last night, but it might have been something old—some girl who had a crush on him.”
He was trying to find an alternate explanation, just as Lydia had at first. She shook her head.
“No. I’d been in that drawer just a couple of days earlier. And look at it. It’s not old.”
Given his own suspicions, Daniel seemed to be having difficulty accepting the proof. Beth could almost see his internal struggle, and the moment in which he accepted it.
Daniel nodded slowly, his jaw hardening. “Yah. You’re right.”
He looked at her, studying her face so intently that she seemed to feel the touch on her skin. “This shows us what the woman felt about James. But not what James felt about her.”
“It doesn’t excuse him.” Her voice was tart.
“No, it doesn’t.” Daniel folded the paper so that the words were hidden. He held it up between his fingers. “What are you going to do with this?”
“I don’t know.” She wavered, unsure.
“Wouldn’t it be best to destroy it? You wouldn’t want Benjy ever to see it.”
“No, but...” She reached out and took it from him. “I’ll burn it. But not now. I’m not ready yet.”
Resentment rose in her. Daniel had said very little, but she knew he thought the note was better destroyed. Did he think her jealous or vengeful for hanging on to it? Maybe he did, and maybe he was right. She just knew she wasn’t ready.
Daniel seemed to recognize the depth of her feeling. He put his hand over hers, and she felt compassion and understanding flow through the touch, finding its way to her heart. He wanted to protect her, much as she wanted to protect Benjy.
For the first time in too long, healing began, very slowly, to make its way through her. Gratitude welled in her heart. Without volition, her hand turned in his until they were palm to palm, clasped snugly. Beth didn’t try to figure out what it meant. She just sat still, accepting.
Chapter Nine
“I’m going with you this morning, Mammi, ain’t so?” Benjy was eager to firm up his plans for the day as he hopped down from his seat at the breakfast table.
“That’s right.” Beth hesitated, wondering if she was doing the right thing by taking him to work with her. Was it better than leaving him with Janie or worse? There didn’t seem to be any guidelines that fit her situation, making her feel guilty either way.
“You like going to the store, don’t you?” she asked.
“Yah, for sure.” He gave a little hop that said he was eager to get started. “Daniel said I could help him today.”
Beth felt an interior tremor at the mention of Daniel. The memory of what had happened between them the previous night was too fresh. She still hadn’t managed to decide how she felt about it.
“What are you going to do?” It was cowardly to avoid saying his name. She’d best get herself together before they left for the store.
“Make a new shelf in the office. That’s what Daniel said. He said we could make it in a jiffy.”
She’d noticed her son was prone to quote Daniel several times a day now. “That will be wonderful gut. We need more space.”
Benjy stopped his energetic hopping and stood still, seeming deep in thought. “Daniel’s gut at making things.” He paused, then looked up at her, his blue eyes wondering. “Was Daadi gut at making things?”
Beth’s breath caught. She’d warned herself that one day Benjy would start asking questions about his daadi. She just hadn’t expected it now. Should she simply answer, or did he need more assurance about his father?
“Daadi didn’t make a lot of things at the store,” she said carefully. “Daniel did that, and Daadi was gut at other things, like taking care of the customers. That’s why they were partners...they each did something the other didn’t.”
She waited, watching his small face. Did he need more than that?
But she couldn’t read any doubts in his eyes. He nodded as if satisfied and skipped toward the hall. “Hurry and get ready, Mammi. We need to get to work.”
That startled a laugh from her. Where had he picked up that phrase? Well, it was true enough.
“As soon as I finish the breakfast dishes, we’ll go. Did you make your bed yet?”
“I will.” He darted off, and his feet thudded on the stairs.
Beth shook her head. One small boy could certainly make a lot of noise. And ask a lot of questions.
She wasn’t sure how she felt about his growing closeness to Daniel. But it was natural, she supposed. In the past week, he had spent more time with Daniel than with his grandfather or his uncles. And there was never a need to worry when he was with Daniel.
Her thoughts slipped back to the previous night. She’d been so determined to hol
d on to her anger with him, but she hadn’t been able to. She had understood him too well for that. He’d been torn by his long friendship with James fighting against his growing suspicions.
She would have been as well, if she hadn’t found out in such a devastating way. The note had left no room for doubt.
The note. Daniel obviously thought it best destroyed at once. And he’d been right about the dangers of anyone else seeing it. If Benjy ever learned about his father’s failing, it shouldn’t be that way.
Or any way at all, if she could manage it. Lydia and Daniel were the only ones who knew, except for her. And the unknown woman.
Maybe Daniel had been right. There was no reason to keep it, and every reason to destroy it. Quickly, before she could change her mind, Beth retrieved the note from the drawer where she’d hidden it after Daniel left. Striking a match, she held it over the sink and lit the edge of the paper.
It burned quickly, the words disappearing into the flame, then the whole paper crumbling into ash. She turned on the faucet and washed the ash down the drain.
There. It was done. She wouldn’t torment herself with it again. It was time to start looking toward the future, not the past.
Benjy galloped down the stairs and into the kitchen and stopped to sniff. “It smells like burning, Mammi.”
“I guess it does.” She kept her face away from him as she took her sweater from the hook and pulled it on. “It was just a little bit of trash. Komm, let’s go to work.”
The lane was still damp after yesterday’s rain, and rain had brought down a fresh drift of leaves, as it always did. The season was moving on quickly, and it would soon be time for cider-making if she intended to do it this year.
That was one of the few orchard chores James had enjoyed, probably because they always had a group of people there to help and it always turned into a work frolic. Everyone brought something to share for supper, and they all had to try the fresh golden cider.
Beth struggled with the idea for a few minutes but then glanced at Benjy. He’d love it, even if he didn’t remember it from last year.
She should mention it to Mamm and Daad, and together they’d pick a date. She couldn’t stop doing it just because it reminded her of James.
A burst of wind swept them along with some bright yellow leaves, and they hurried into the store, laughing a little. “We beat the wind here,” Benjy crowed, and trotted toward the back, where she could spot Daniel opening a carton.
Instead of heading in that direction, she paused at the counter to exchange greetings with Anna, who was smiling as she watched Benjy.
“I tell him not to run indoors, but it doesn’t seem to stick,” she said.
She scanned Anna’s face with the usual concern, but she actually looked better this morning. She didn’t have the pallor she sometimes did. Maybe things were better at home. Beth said a quick prayer that it was so.
“Ach, no one cares that he runs here,” Anna said. “We all love him.”
It was the most personal thing Anna had ever said to her, and Beth’s heart warmed. If she could grow closer to the girl, she might be able to help her.
“That’s gut of you to say. But we all have to learn manners, ain’t so? The trouble is that he usually makes me laugh just about the time I should be correcting him.”
Anna was still watching Benjy. “He looks just like his daadi.” Her words came out in a whisper, as if she were talking to herself, and then she seemed to hear what she’d said. She flushed, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said...”
“It’s all right. It’s gut for Benjy if people talk normally about his father.” She reached out, thinking to comfort the girl with a pat on the shoulder, but Anna winced away.
“I... I should go and help Timothy.” She scurried off.
Beth moved behind the counter. The poor girl had embarrassed herself, thinking she’d said the wrong thing. She remembered that stage where she’d wavered between being a child and a grown woman. It wasn’t easy for anyone.
* * *
Daniel eyed Beth cautiously while he welcomed Benjy, pleased that the lad immediately started helping him unpack the carton. Beth seemed occupied with Anna, and as far as he could tell, she hadn’t looked in his direction at all.
Was she angry with him about last night? He’d thought they’d parted with forgiveness on both sides, but maybe she’d regretted letting him comfort her. Or she might think he’d gone too far in saying she should get rid of that note. It wasn’t his business to advise her to do something she didn’t want to do.
The note had shocked him, and he could easily imagine the impact it had made on her, fresh from mourning her husband’s death. A flicker of anger went through him. James should have had better sense. He’d been wrong to be seeing another woman, but if he’d been determined to sin, he might at least have destroyed that note and saved Beth a great deal of pain.
He’d been mad at James a number of times when they were young. That was only natural—kids fought and made up again, sometimes resorting to a shove or two. Still, he’d never felt as disappointed or as angry as he did now. How could anyone fortunate enough to have won Beth for his wife even look at anyone else?
Benjy tugged at his sleeve, and he realized the boy had been asking him something.
“Aren’t we going to build the shelf today? I told Mammi, and she said that was gut.” He tilted his face, obviously considering something. “Maybe she really needs it.”
“I’m sure it will make her happy if we build it,” he said gravely. “Let’s break down this box and put it in the storeroom, and then we can get started.”
Benjy, like any boy, enjoyed jumping on the box to flatten it. Even though it was now taller than he was, he carried it to the storeroom, talking all the time.
“I told Mammi that you were gut at making things. She said that Daadi was gut at other things.”
“That’s true.” He held the storeroom door while Benjy slid the box through. “That’s why we were partners.”
“That’s what Mammi said.” Benjy beamed with satisfaction. He carried the box over to the right stack.
It was high enough that Benjy couldn’t reach the top, so Daniel lifted him. The boy felt ridiculously light, and a wave of affection surged through him. He’d always been fond of Benjy, but since he’d been coming to the store, Daniel’s feelings had grown deeper. If he could help it, Benjy wouldn’t miss any of the care he needed. After all, there were some things only a man could teach a boy.
“Gut job,” he said, setting Benjy down.
Benjy stood for a moment, eyeing the stack of cardboard. “Are you going to have a big fire with the boxes?”
He shook his head. “We keep them here, and anyone who needs boxes to pack things in can come and take as many as they want.”
“Mammi was burning some trash this morning,” Benjy volunteered. “She did it in the sink. I thought she should burn it outside.”
“It must have been something very small.” Something the size of a piece of folded paper.
Benjy didn’t seem inclined to talk about it. “Are we going to build the shelf now?” He looked up at Daniel, his eyes filled with eagerness. “I want to learn how, so I can help.”
“We’ll get the tools and start, okay?” His mind wasn’t on carpentry. Instead, he’d focused on the fact Benjy had innocently let slip.
Maybe he shouldn’t have listened, but how could he help it? And had Beth been burning that note this morning?
He glanced across the width of the store to where Beth was helping a customer pick out a pumpkin. She was smiling, looking perfectly normal. In fact, she might be looking a little more at ease than she had in a long time.
If she had burned that note, he could only be thankful. No doubt he should have kept his opinions to himself. Still, she’d shown it to him. She wouldn’t
have done that if she hadn’t wanted to hear what he had to say.
Daniel’s stomach still turned queasy at the thought of it. Even if the note was gone now, the words were engraved on his mind. And, he didn’t doubt, on Beth’s, as well.
He’d thought it would be far better for Beth if she could forget about knowing who was going to meet James that last night. She’d have to forgive, no matter who it was, but that wouldn’t be easy. Forgive if you would be forgiven. The Lord hadn’t left any room for evasion in the words. He, too, had to forgive. James had hurt him, too, although not in the grievous way he’d caused pain for Beth.
She hadn’t looked at him, he told himself as he and Benjy headed into the office with the toolbox. That didn’t mean anything. She might not have noticed him. But he’d like to find out what she was thinking.
With the materials already gathered for adding the shelf, it wasn’t going to take long. The challenge was to find something Benjy could do.
But Benjy was easy to please. Standing on a chair, watching intently, he grinned as they finished screwing in the second bracket.
“We did it,” he exclaimed, so happy that Daniel had to grin back at him.
“We still have to put the shelf on,” he cautioned. “Shall we try it?”
Benjy nodded. He seemed to hold his breath until the shelf was fixed into place. “There!” He paused. “If I learn a lot, will I be a gut partner, like Daadi?”
He hadn’t expected the question, and it struck him right in the heart. “I think you’ll be a very gut partner one day. Let’s go tell your mammi.”
Grinning, Benjy bolted across the office and on toward his mother. Daniel followed more slowly. Did he dare to bring up what Benjy had said? Probably not, but he longed to know.
Beth greeted him with a smile. “I understand you and your helper finished the new shelf.”
“That we did. Is Benjy going to show it to you?”
“That’s why he’s pulling on my hand.” She glanced at her son. “Just wait a minute,” she told Benjy. “I have something to say to Daniel. You go ahead, and I’ll be there in a minute.”
