Sam turned the radio up and drove on.
Lexie got out of the car around the corner from their house and Sam sped off towards the office. For the first time she hadn’t leaned across to kiss him.
Dear Diary
I’m sitting outside the exam hall and, instead of doing some last-minute cramming, I’m numb. Now that I know the truth, everything is so clear. I’ve been so dumb for so long. I don’t know how I didn’t cop on.
The situation at home is rank. Mum and Dad are being all bright and breezy when they see me, but they don’t fool me any longer. I know they can’t bear to be in the same room as one another.
They’re doing all this tight smiling and slow blinking and forced chatting. I can’t believe I never realised how little enjoyment they get out of life and each other. I’m puzzled as to why they’ve stayed together for so long.
Maybe it’s because Mum is very into the Catholic thing. She goes to mass every Sunday without fail. She says it gives her great solace. She doesn’t make me go now that I’m older. Dad stopped going a long time ago. My grandparents were staunchly religious. I do know that. The photo of them on our sideboard at home shows Holy Mary statues on the mantelpiece behind them. So I guess it’s in her psyche to be like them. That could be why she’s still with Dad. Perhaps she feels it’s her duty to soldier on until the bitter end, as man and wife, come what may.
I nearly lost it just now. We were having breakfast and Mum was sipping a cup of tea and looking like she was swallowing poison. Dad was trying. He made her toast and she pushed it away, saying she couldn’t stomach it.
I feel trapped. Like I’m in a bubble of misery with no way out. The bell has gone. I’ve to go and sit in the exam hall now and attempt to concentrate on some random questions in Irish. Like this is going to serve any kind of purpose. None of this stuff has any bearing on life. Why don’t the schools have classes that teach teenagers how to cope when they realise they’re a mistake?
Amélie
Chapter 21
Kathleen rushed to the window when she heard Sam’s car pull up outside. Peeping through the blinds, she saw Lexie waving and walking towards the house. Unthinkingly, she moved to her own door and opened it.
‘Kathleen,’ Lexie said. ‘Good morning.’
‘Hello, Lexie. How are you today?’
‘Great,’ Lexie said, and burst into heaving sobs.
‘Oh dear,’ Kathleen said, alarmed. ‘Can I make you a cup of tea?’
Lexie nodded and made her way into the basement.
Kathleen set to work filling the kettle and finding cups. Guessing Lexie would speak when she felt able to, she gave her time to gather herself.
By the time she’d set a pot of tea and two cups on the table, Lexie had told her the bones of what had happened.
‘Oh, gosh, that’s a terrible mix-up for everyone concerned.’
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ Lexie said miserably. ‘I feel like everyone is upset with me. My mother glared at me as if I’d just murdered and cooked her first-born child. My father was shattered.’
Lexie went on to tell Kathleen about Penelope’s difficult births, Dee’s parents and all the heartache her mother had suffered. ‘I feel so guilty, Kathleen. I can’t believe I rejected my mother like that. She could’ve died and then I wouldn’t even let her pick me up.’
‘You were only a tot,’ Kathleen admonished. ‘You did nothing wrong. Who’s to say you would ever have been close? You’re not alike in personality, and that all happened a very long time ago. There’s been ample opportunity to make amends. You and your dad are close and that’s wonderful. Not something to regret. Maybe now she’s got it off her chest your mum will be able to accept the relationship you guys have and build on it. Looking back is a bad plan a lot of the time. We need to learn to embrace the present.’
‘You’re right.’ Lexie sighed. ‘I can’t change my actions as a baby. I didn’t act out of malice. I was only six weeks old, for crying out loud.’ She shook her head. ‘But my mother still managed to make me feel as if it was all my fault. That’s her speciality, you know.’
‘As I said, maybe this is a positive turning point for you two. Now that everything is out in the open, perhaps you guys can forge a fresh new path together.’
‘Yeah,’ Lexie said, unconvinced and exhausted. ‘Who knows?’
Kathleen sat back and clasped her hands. ‘Honey, you haven’t really mentioned Sam in any of this. How’s he taking it?’
Lexie’s shoulders shook and deep sorrowful sobs took over.
‘Let it go, girl,’ Kathleen said, as she stood up and went to stroke her hunched back.
‘It’s been awful, Kathleen,’ Lexie eventually managed. ‘I think he hates me now. He’s changed his mind and says he wants a baby. If I don’t have one I’m afraid he’ll leave … But if I do have a baby, I’d only be doing it to please him.’
‘You can’t make a massive decision like that for somebody else, Lexie. It’s all very raw right now. People are letting go of emotions that have caused untold friction for years. Don’t try to fix it all in one morning.’ She sat beside Lexie. ‘If I know one thing about problems, dear, it’s this. They’ll still be there, waiting to be resolved, tomorrow. Don’t feel you need to solve them all right this minute.’
‘Thanks, Kathleen,’ she said, as she blew her nose. ‘You’re right. Even if I wanted to sort this entire mess right now, it’s not going to work.’
‘I’d like to share something with you,’ Kathleen said. She fetched the laptop, opened it and clicked on Jackson’s icon.
Lexie was barely breathing as she watched. When it ended she threw her arms around Kathleen. ‘I’m so sorry, Kathleen. Here am I ranting and raving about something that will be resolved in time and you’ve been faced with such a momentous event. Seeing Jackson like that makes me so sad for you. He was such a handsome and vibrant man.’
‘And he was so ill. But he was still beautiful, wasn’t he?’
‘Gorgeous. Oh, Kathleen, you must miss him so much.’
‘Yes, dear, I do.’ She smiled calmly. ‘But it’s an awesome message, right?’
‘Totally,’ Lexie said, still sniffling. ‘I hope the rainbows happen for you. I’d say you’re counting the days until your birthday now.’
‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,’ Kathleen said. ‘But I’m terrified too. What if he can’t keep any of his promises? I’ll feel like I’ve lost him all over again.’
‘I’m sure he’ll make them happen,’ Lexie said firmly.
Kathleen closed the laptop. ‘When you look at me, all alone with no children to keep me company in the winter of my life, does it make you question your choice not to have any?’
‘My mother made that point too,’ Lexie admitted. ‘I had no idea this would open such a can of worms. Why is it such a taboo not to want children?’
‘I guess we’re all pretty conditioned into believing we should.’
‘Especially since all the fertility treatments,’ Lexie mused. ‘So many people spend so much time, energy and money striving to conceive. I just happen to be bucking that trend.’
‘As is your right, honey,’ Kathleen said.
‘I can’t believe we’ve known one another such a short time,’ Lexie said. ‘You’re so easy to talk to. I feel like I can say anything to you.’
‘Thank you.’ Kathleen’s eyes crinkled into a smile. ‘I feel the same way. I have an idea,’ she said, sitting forward in her chair and patting Lexie’s hand. ‘Why don’t we plan a day out? When’s your next day off?’
‘I’m going to look at a potential new artist’s work in Wicklow tomorrow,’ she said. ‘She’s in the wilds of Glendalough, the back end of nowhere. Would you like to come with me and we could have lunch?’
‘Better still I’ll pack a picnic. You can help me fulfil one of my promises to Jackson.’
‘Oh, dear Lord, forgive me! I wasn’t thinking straight. Of course! I’d be honoured to share the experien
ce with you.’
‘That’s settled, then. Bring a jacket in case it’s chilly and we’ll find a fairy tree or magical meadow for our dining room.’
‘You’re on,’ Lexie said. ‘I’m going to head straight down to the gallery now. I asked Kate to do the morning shift, but I don’t like leaving her for too long. Especially now I’ll be gone all day tomorrow. I need to sort some paperwork too.’
‘You run along and leave the catering to me,’ Kathleen said.
‘Are you sure?’ Lexie asked.
‘Certainly. I’ll enjoy shopping and cooking. There’s nothing like having a bit of purpose again. In fact, you’re doing me a great favour.’
‘Well, if you put it like that …’ Lexie smiled. ‘A bit of Wicklow air is probably just what we both need to clear our heads.’
As Lexie meandered to the gallery she felt less hopeless than before. If she could have avoided upsetting her parents, things would have been so much easier. But what was done was done and they’d all move on from it in time. As Kathleen had wisely pointed out, perhaps this misunderstanding was just the catalyst they needed to alter their relationship for the better.
The rift she’d caused between her and Sam was a different matter. Her head throbbed from crying and the thought of what lay ahead for them as a couple. Lexie had never felt more trapped by the idea of having a baby. But equally she’d never been so scared that Sam was going to walk away.
An hour later, Lexie was up to her tonsils in the gallery and feeling so grateful to have her job. The people to-ing and fro-ing meant she had to stop wallowing and put on a brave face. She was actually very good at pretending things were tickety-boo.
She was busily measuring one of the wall spaces so she could mount an abstract oil painting when her mobile phone rang. Figuring she’d call the person back, she stayed on the step-ladder and continued to make pencil marks.
‘Can you pass me a hook, please, Kate?’ she called. The system Sam had designed for her walls worked brilliantly. He’d tacked up rows of brackets so she could click hooks in wherever she needed them. As Kate was walking towards her, the gallery landline rang.
‘I’ll grab that,’ she called. ‘Caracove Bay Gallery, Kate speaking … Oh, hello, Penelope … Yes, just a moment, please.’
Kate walked over with the cordless handset. ‘She says it’ll only take a second.’
Lexie climbed down from the ladder and gingerly took the phone. Kate had no idea what had happened. Lexie had never discussed private business with her colleague. ‘Hello, Mum.’
‘Lexie, I know you think you’ve made your mind up,’ Penelope said, launching straight into a big speech, ‘but can you answer me this?’ She paused for dramatic effect. ‘What if you were to discover you were pregnant? What would you do then? Would you have an abortion? Or would you feel too guilty to kill your baby?’
‘Mum,’ Lexie hissed into the phone, ‘it’s neither the time nor the place for what-if conundrums. Besides, there’s no way I can answer such an off-the-wall hypothetical question.’
‘Just think about it,’ Penelope begged.
‘Why?’ Lexie was running out of patience.
‘Because I know your mothering instinct is in there somewhere. You simply need to ignite it. Dad and I agree that you’re just scared. That’s all right, Lexie. Every woman worries whether or not she’ll make a good mother. It’s fear of the unknown.’
‘Mum …’
‘I know the thought of the pregnancy and birth are more than a little daunting. But it’s only a few months and then a very hard day’s work. But look at the prize at the end of the process! Dad has a suggestion. Hold on. I’ll put him on.’
‘Mum!’ Lexie shouted. ‘Mum? Hello?’
‘Hello, darling, it’s me, Dad.’
‘Hello, Dad,’ Lexie said, rubbing her forehead roughly. Her temples were throbbing and she wanted to scream.
‘I’d like to pay for you and Sam to have a holiday. That lodger you have in your basement could feed Tiddles and keep an eye on things. We were thinking if you went off on a lovely cruise you might relax and see things from a different perspective.’
‘You mean from your perspective?’ Lexie asked.
‘Ah, Lexie, please,’ Reggie said, sounding exasperated. ‘Mum and I are simply trying to safeguard your future happiness. We cannot comprehend why you’ve taken this figary and decided to … rebel or behave in this … strange and quite frankly cold manner.’
‘Thank you for the kind offer, Dad. Sam and I don’t need to float around on a boat for a week right now. We’ve made a decision and, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a grown adult,’ Lexie said, resisting the urge to yell at him. ‘I’m in work, as you well know, so I’m putting the phone down now.’ She replaced the handset on its stand in slow motion. She was terrified of snapping and firing it against the nearest wall. Kate was pretending to be busy at the other side of the gallery, but Lexie knew she’d overheard the whole conversation. ‘Sorry about that,’ she said, forcing a smile. ‘Let’s get this picture hung and you can shoot off. It’s nearly lunchtime.’
‘Is everything okay, Lexie?’
‘Oh, yes, fine. Thank you for asking,’ she said firmly. ‘My mother has decided Sam and I should go on a cruise. All to do with my milestone birthday coming up.’
‘Ooh, I had no idea!’ Kate said, excited. ‘Are you thinking of doing a party too?’
‘No,’ Lexie said immediately. ‘Sam and I aren’t into that sort of thing. We’d rather have a meal out somewhere special. Or we might even go to Venice or Barcelona. Something along those lines anyway. But definitely no cruises.’
‘If they really need to buy a cruise for somebody, I’ll go,’ Kate quipped.
‘Ha!’ Lexie laughed. ‘I’ll mention that to them. You should split now, Kate.’ She hoped Kate would take the hint and end the conversation there. Luckily she did.
Once she was alone in the gallery, Lexie sank into the chair behind the cash desk. The holiday idea mightn’t be a bad one, she mused. If nothing else, she and Sam would get some quality time together. They usually travelled in September. They preferred the temperatures in Europe at that time of year and there were fewer people about as the children were back at school.
Lexie grabbed the computer mouse and clicked onto the internet. Shaking her head, she was astonished by the astronomical prices for mediocre destinations during the peak season. There was no way she would pay over the odds just to appease her parents. She phoned Sam. ‘Hey. I’ve had a call from my parents. They want to buy us a cruise so we can have some quality time together in the hope that we’ll realise we actually want children after all.’ She forced a chuckle. There was silence. ‘Sam?’
‘Are you serious?’ Sam asked.
‘Yup.’ She laughed drily again.
‘Wow,’ he said, whistling. ‘I’m astonished.’
‘Aren’t they being totally ridiculous? I’ll phone my mother back and tell her to hump off. They’re poking their noses in and being out of order. Glad you agree.’
‘Lexie,’ Sam said. ‘I’m astonished at you. Not your parents.’
‘Pardon?’ Her blood went cold.
‘Reggie and Penelope are trying to help. They’re devastated by what happened yesterday. You’ve shattered them. Don’t you see that?’
‘But, Sam … We used to be on the same page … I’m flailing at the moment …’
‘Lexie, we’re not even featuring in the same story right now. I’ll call your folks and tell them I appreciate the offer but I don’t want to go on a cruise with you at the moment. I couldn’t stomach it.’
Sam slammed down the phone. Grabbing his keys, he strode to the car park and started his car. His brakes screeched as he swerved to miss his secretary, Rea, trundling into the underground car park. He stopped, jumped out and ran to her. ‘I’m so sorry, Rea. Are you all right?’
‘Ooh, yes,’ she said, looking pale. ‘You’re in a hurry. I thought my number was up just now.’
>
‘I’ll come back up to the office with you and make you a cup of tea. That was a near one,’ he said. Rea didn’t argue – she seemed truly shaken.
As they travelled up in the lift, she was juggling several files.
‘They’re not from here, are they?’ Sam observed.
‘They’re to do with my volunteer work,’ she said, blushing. ‘I’m not going to use office hours to deal with any of it,’ she was quick to add.
‘I wasn’t suggesting you would.’ Sam grinned. ‘What is it, if you don’t mind me asking?’
Rea had worked as his secretary for almost two years and Sam had never thought to ask her anything personal. She was incredibly efficient and almost shrew-like in appearance and manner. He knew she was unmarried, had no children and lived in an apartment not far from Caracove Bay. But that was it. She dressed conservatively in a skirt suit, was never late and was yet to call in sick. On the couple of occasions Lexie had met her, she’d said she looked like a real ‘auld one’. ‘That set-looking hairdo and sensible style! You’d almost mistake her for a nun.’
‘I don’t care what she looks like. She’s the most organised assistant I’ve ever had. Besides, I’d like to see how you’d react if I spent my days being attended to by a sexy young thing in a mini skirt, plastered in makeup, who misses every second Monday morning because she’s dying of a hangover.’
Now Sam was ashamed to admit he’d never stopped to chat to poor Rea at all.
‘This is to do with the Samaritans,’ she said. ‘I’ve worked with them for twenty years. It’s very rewarding.’
‘Wow! I had no idea,’ Sam said, impressed.
‘Things are very difficult for people at the moment. Recessions always weigh heavily on relationships and family life. Our lines never stop ringing.’
‘What sort of stuff do people call you about? Without being specific,’ he added.
‘All sorts,’ she said. ‘Marriage issues, money, addiction, abuse, you name it.’
Sam cocked his head to one side. He knew he would be stepping over the mark, but he suddenly wanted to ask Rea what he should do about Lexie.
The Summer Guest Page 17
