Billy hugged his daughter and went next door.
It was eleven o’clock the following night before they finally touched down in Dublin. Amélie looked pale and thin, and most certainly not the better for her trip. They found Lexie’s car and she drove them home.
‘Call me tomorrow,’ she said, waving to them.
Alone at last, Lexie allowed the tears to fall. It was so long since she’d heard French accents and even dipped her toe into French life. All the smells, sounds and tastes she had encountered made her long-ago stay there seem like yesterday. As she pulled up outside her home, she wondered how she’d managed to crawl back from the depths of despair she’d experienced in France and end up here.
As she walked into the empty house, she took a deep breath. The time had come to tell Sam what had gone on so many years before.
Chapter 26
When Lexie woke the next morning rain was pelting the windows. She’d call Amélie a little later and check in on her. Meanwhile, she knew she needed to speak to Sam. Dialling his mobile number, she prayed he’d have the phone switched on.
‘Hello?’ he answered groggily.
‘Hey, it’s me,’ she said.
‘Lexie, it’s two o’clock in the morning,’ he said. ‘I’m only in bed an hour. The dinner presentation went on and on.’
‘Sam, I need to tell you something.’
There was a silence.
‘Why do I feel nervous all of a sudden?’ he asked.
‘I need to tell you something I’ve kept from you. This thing with Amélie and the baby business—’ Lexie broke off, a sob catching in her throat. ‘Nobody knows,’ she continued. ‘Not even Maia.’
‘Right,’ he said. ‘Go on.’
‘When I went to France years ago, I was in the university.’
‘I know. You told me.’
‘I worked in a café to make extra money. It was meant to be a few hours a week but Christophe, the boss, took a shine to me.’ She hesitated. ‘My hours were gradually increased until I was at the café more than college.’
‘Right.’
‘I didn’t know he was married when we started going out. His wife never came near the café and he didn’t speak about her.’
‘Obviously,’ Sam said.
‘Yeah.’ She smiled momentarily. ‘I thought I was living the dream. He was quite a bit older than me.’
‘How much older?’
‘He was forty-five.’
‘Okay,’ Sam said. ‘I hate to sound narrow-minded, but weren’t there any young studs around campus?’
‘There were,’ Lexie said. ‘But I only had eyes for Christophe. He was typically French. You know, sallow skin, dark hair and eyes … Full of “bof” and “Je t’aime” … I was flattered he liked me.’
‘Go on.’
‘We’d been together a few months when he told me he was married. I thought I’d die of shame and a broken heart. I’d honestly thought we’d be together for ever. To discover he wasn’t mine to have was a slap in the face. I couldn’t believe he’d lied to me.’
‘What prompted him to tell you then? Was he planning on leaving his wife for you?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘He simply thought it was time to let me know. He was astonished when I cried and ranted and raved. He actually laughed at me.’
‘Why?’ Sam asked.
‘He said it was the French way, the done thing, and that all French women accepted it.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘I broke up with him immediately and said I never wanted to see him again, naturally.’ She hugged herself and sighed at the painful memory. ‘He mocked me and said I’d be back, and when I came, he’d be waiting. He blew me a kiss and carried on with his work, as if nothing had happened.’
‘Nice,’ Sam said sarcastically.
Lexie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. ‘Two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. I was shattered. I knew I couldn’t talk to my parents. Mum … Well, we both know what Mum would’ve done. And Dad, darling Dad, would’ve been shattered.’
‘Why didn’t you tell Maia?’
‘I didn’t want to burden her and, besides, I needed to deal with the situation there and then. So I had an abortion,’ she stated. ‘I went to Paris alone, found a clinic and had the job done. Afterwards I stayed in a hostel for two nights until I felt well enough to return to college.’
‘You stayed after that?’ Sam said incredulously.
‘What else could I have done? Arrive home early and say I was homesick?’
‘Well, yeah!’
‘It was better to stay,’ Lexie said. ‘I didn’t know that many people my own age because I’d been hanging out with Christophe so much.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘I decided to wipe the slate clean and start again. I vowed that I would bury the whole affair and the pregnancy, never to be revisited. Nobody knew and I honestly thought I could hide it for ever.’
‘But didn’t your college friends notice you were acting strangely? Surely there was one person who copped on.’
‘Sam, I was a different person back then. I’ve never been a gang-of-friends type, you know that. To this day I have Maia and my family. My other friends flit in and out of my life, but I don’t do big girls’ nights out. Never did. So, when I surfaced again at the university, a lot of my peers thought I was new. I made a few friends and got through the course.’
‘That must’ve been so lonely for you,’ Sam said. His voice had softened for the first time in days.
‘I mulled it over in my head for a long time, Sam. I went through all the possibilities in my mind from adoption to my eventual choice. I knew I didn’t want a child. It wasn’t the right time and it would’ve altered the path of my life entirely.’
‘Do you have any regrets?’ Sam asked.
She sighed heavily. ‘Honestly? No. I felt dreadful guilt for the longest time. Guilt on every level … For the affair with a married man. For lying to my parents and family and for having the abortion. I’m so sad in my heart when I think of that time. My life would’ve been far simpler if I’d never been in that situation. I wouldn’t wish it on any girl. I was terrified but I made the right choice for me.’
‘Why have you never spoken about it?’ he asked.
‘I couldn’t bear to be judged by people. It was my mess, my mistake and my decision. At the end of the day, it’s not something I’m proud of.’ Squeezing her eyes shut, she asked Sam, ‘Do you hate me for what I did?’
‘No,’ he answered. ‘Of course not. I just wish you’d told me sooner. I wish you’d felt you could trust me, Lex. I thought we shared everything.’
‘But it’s in the past, Sam. It’s done. Gone. What was the point in highlighting it?’
‘Why did you tell me now, then?’ he asked.
‘Because I’ve just been to France … Because the baby question mark has been hanging over our heads recently … Because I somehow felt it was the right time.’
‘Is that why you don’t want a child?’ he asked. ‘Would it take you back to that awful time and make you feel trapped again?’
‘Maybe there’s an element of truth in that,’ she said. ‘But mostly I’m happy the way I am. Sam, I don’t regret having that abortion. I don’t look at kids who would be that age now and wish I had one. I just don’t.’
There was a long pause.
‘Thanks for telling me, Lex.’ There was another silence. ‘I’d better get some rest. But I’ll talk to you soon.’
They hung up and Sam lay alone in his hotel bed. He wasn’t angry with Lexie for having the abortion. But he was deeply bothered that she’d never told him. He knew it was probably the wrong way to think, but he couldn’t help asking himself what else she might be concealing. Over the past few weeks she’d never once considered telling him. He’d known she was acting oddly but he hadn’t been able to put his finger on why.
At least now he knew. Or did he?
For the first time s
ince they’d met, seventeen years before, Sam wondered how well he actually knew his wife.
Dear Diary
I know I should be feeling like the luckiest girl in the world right now. I’m so grateful that Dad and Auntie Lex came to find me. I was totally delighted to see them. But I can’t help feeling the reason I left hasn’t changed.
Mum looked like she’d been beaten up when I got home. Her eyes are dull and she seems to have lost whatever zest for life used to be there. The guilt is humungous. How am I meant to shoulder it? What do I say or do to make my existence better? Dad says all the hassle is nothing to do with me and that it’s purely down to finances … But I don’t believe him. I know deep down that I am the reason they’re so unhappily bound together, it’s a massive pressure. I honestly thought that if I wasn’t there, they’d be free. But clearly that’s not the answer.
I wish I knew what they’re hiding from me. Because there is something bogus going on.
Amélie
Chapter 27
Lexie felt unsettled after her visit to France and telling Sam what had happened to her there. As she climbed out of bed, found fresh clothes and showered, she felt almost as awful as she had all those years ago. Instead of being cathartic, talking about it was like picking a scab.
She phoned Maia. ‘Can I call over?’ she asked.
‘I’m on the way to work, so by all means come to my office,’ Maia said. ‘I’ve a meeting at nine, though, so hurry. Is everything okay, doll?’
‘I’ll explain when I get there.’
Lexie zoomed over, shot into a parking space right outside the door and took the stairs two at a time.
‘That was quick. Did you jump every light between here and your place?’
‘Probably,’ she said, throwing herself onto one of Maia’s leather chairs.
‘What’s the biggie?’ Maia asked.
Lexie told Maia everything. ‘Sam and I are seriously walking the plank right now too,’ she finished.
‘I can’t believe you had to go through all of that on your own, hon.’ Maia paused. ‘But would having a baby be so awful?’
‘Jeez, not you too. Maia, I thought you of all people would understand that I have a right to make a choice. You agreed with me at Calvin’s party. You understood that women should be allowed to say no.’
Maia looked at the floor.
‘What?’ Lexie said.
‘I’m pregnant again,’ Maia whispered. ‘I don’t want anyone to know yet. I only found out last night. I decided to throw caution to the wind and hope for the best,’ she added sheepishly. ‘I never thought it’d happen so quickly. But here I am, up the duff.’
‘Wow,’ Lexie said.
‘I’m sorry to tell you, with everything you’re going through, but we’re really happy.’
‘Oh, Maia,’ she said, jumping to her feet. ‘I’m thrilled for you and Josh. I hope everything works out.’
‘Well, I’m doing just fine. So sod it!’ She grinned. ‘I may as well enjoy it. I plan on eating all the wrong foods, doing as little as possible and milking this pregnancy to the hilt. I got Josh to go to the Spar at midnight last night just to buy me some Chocolate Fingers.’
‘You didn’t.’
Maia burst out laughing. ‘I know I’m a right bitch, and he’s too good for me. But I can’t help it. I love pushing people to the limit!’
‘And I love you for it,’ Lexie said, hugging her. ‘Right, that’s enough dirty linen aired for one day. I’ve got a gallery to open.’
‘You and Sam will be fine, Lex,’ Maia said, suddenly serious. ‘He idolises you. It’ll be cool.’
‘Thanks,’ she said. She had to rush away so that Maia wouldn’t see her tears. In spite of her friend’s kind words Lexie still felt incredibly lonely. She drove to the seafront and got out. The rain was still falling and the onshore winds were howling. It suited Lexie perfectly.
She decided to walk to the pier, hoping the salty sea-laden gusts might lift her mood.
She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she marched straight past Kathleen. ‘Have we fallen out?’ Kathleen called, through the wild winds.
‘Kathleen! I’m sorry. I was miles away.’
‘So it seems. Is everything all right, honey?’ Kathleen was struggling to hold the hood of her coat.
‘I don’t want to be negative every time we meet,’ Lexie said. ‘I’m afraid you got me at a stage when my life appears to be crashing down around my ears.’
‘I can handle that. Want to share your thoughts?’ Kathleen asked.
As usual she was stoic as Lexie told her everything. She made all the right noises at all the right times. As the story unfolded Kathleen tucked her arm into Lexie’s. ‘I thought I’d feel somehow … I dunno … free! I always figured hiding stuff was meant to be heavy on the soul,’ Lexie said, ‘but now I feel so much worse.’
‘It’s hardly surprising,’ Kathleen said. ‘Sometimes buried emotion becomes like a possession. It’s almost like there’s a bit of control there because you’re guarding it and not letting anyone else in. When I arrived in Caracove Bay I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to tell anyone Jackson was gone. That way I could fool myself into thinking he was waiting at home. I could pretend I was still the same person I’d always been.’
‘Weren’t you going to tell me?’ Lexie asked.
‘Nope,’ Kathleen said, smiling. ‘But you came upon me while I was having a moment of sadness and I knew it was right to tell you.’
‘Did you feel better that I knew? I hope you did,’ Lexie said. ‘I was so glad you’d shared it with me. Don’t get me wrong, I was and still am shocked and saddened that Jackson is gone, but I would hate to think of you shouldering that load alone.’
‘Thank you, dear. Can you now take the words you just said and apply them to your own confession?’
Lexie nodded. ‘Am I a bad person, Kathleen?’
‘No, dear. You’re a wonderful, kind and caring person. You did what you felt was right for you and your life. We all make choices – that’s what life is about.’
‘I didn’t want a child. I was young, naïve, and I knew it was wrong for me.’
‘Then you absolutely made the correct choice. May I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘Your decision to not have children now, with Sam …’ Kathleen closed her eyes for a moment. ‘Are you not having children to punish yourself for the past, or do you know for sure that you don’t want to be a mother?’
Lexie thought about it for a moment before she answered. ‘I don’t want to be a mother,’ she said. ‘I know that goes against the grain for many women, but I can’t help the way I feel.’
‘No, you can’t,’ Kathleen agreed. ‘And I think you know your own mind, dear. My goodness, you are a strong lady!’
The two women chatted for a long while. By the time they reached the pier, they were both soaked and needed a coffee.
‘Thank you for listening and being so rock solid,’ Lexie said, as they walked in the direction of a coffee shop. ‘All I’ve done is talk about myself. Any news with you?’
‘Yes, as a matter of fact,’ Kathleen said, and a smile spread across her face.
Lexie listened intently as Kathleen told her about Rodger and his theories on after-death communication. ‘I can’t help feeling a bit freaked out by it all,’ she admitted.
‘If it was Sam, God forbid, you wouldn’t find it scary, surely.’
‘If it were Sam I think I’d go out of my mind,’ said Lexie, honestly.
‘Well, Rodger has been begging his late wife Claudia to send him a butterfly ever since she passed away. He’s holding out hope, bless him.’
‘I hate to sound like a total cynic,’ Lexie said, ‘but won’t he just pin the next butterfly he sees on Claudia?’
‘I guess he might, but I don’t see what harm it can do to carry a little hope in one’s heart.’
‘Of course,’ Lexie agreed immediately, hoping she hadn’t o
ffended Kathleen. Lexie wasn’t much of a fantasist. As far as she was concerned death was final. Fleetingly, she wondered how she’d cope without Sam. More to the point, she sincerely hoped she wouldn’t have to try any time soon. ‘Hey, on a more positive note,’ she said, ‘I spoke to Agata earlier. She’s going to have an afternoon exhibition in the gallery on Thursday week. I’m sending the invites out as soon as I get back. You’ll come, won’t you?’
‘I wouldn’t miss it,’ Kathleen said.
‘You could invite your new boyfriend, Rodger,’ Lexie teased.
‘Ha! I don’t know if he’d be too pleased to be called that. His daughter certainly wouldn’t find it funny. Jeez, she stormed into his hospital room like a fireball. To say she’s highly strung is putting it mildly.’
‘Is she a troubled teenager?’ Lexie asked. ‘Maybe she and Amélie could link up.’
‘She’s a grown woman and mother of two,’ Kathleen said.
‘All the more reason to invite Rodger. With a daughter like that he could do with some level-headed and kind friends.’
Kathleen fell silent for a while. Eventually she divulged, ‘The day of the exhibition is my birthday.’
‘Really? We’ll have to celebrate afterwards then.’
‘Oh, I don’t want to steal Agata’s thunder. Please don’t make a big deal of it.’
‘As you wish,’ Lexie said. ‘I know how it feels when people ignore your requests and do what they want. Let’s see how you feel closer to the time. Maybe a small group of us could go for a meal after the exhibition ends.’
‘Perhaps.’
As they meandered back towards the gallery, Lexie remembered Jackson’s message. Feeling suddenly nervous for her friend, she said a silent prayer that the rainbow would come. She couldn’t bear to think how disappointed Kathleen would be if nothing happened.
Chapter 28
Later that evening Lexie was lying on the sofa with a glass of wine, listening to a CD, when she heard a brief rap on the door followed by the unmistakable sound of Amélie bursting in. ‘Auntie Lexie?’
‘In here, Amélie,’ she called, swinging her legs around so she could sit upright.
The Summer Guest Page 21
