by Thalia Lark
She climbed back down the ladder and pulled her sheets up over her pillow. ‘Time to get up, Juli.’
‘Another day in paradise,’ Courtney grumbled from the other side of the room.
I glanced over at her with her tousled dark hair and blue eyes puffy with sleep as I hesitated halfway down the ladder. After a moment’s consideration, I set my jaw and decided to apologise just in case I’d offended her by jerking away from her Friday night in the recreation room, and so as she passed, I grabbed her arm and pulled her aside, not ungently.
She looked at me with a mixture of confusion and irritation. ‘What?’
‘I’m sorry about Friday,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to be so abrupt.’
‘Whatever.’
I sighed, and didn’t make any more effort to speak to her after that. She continued on her way with Miranda trailing after her, and I turned back to my bunk with pressed lips.
Lori glanced at me as she pulled on her uniform, her expression sombre. ‘What was all that about?’
I shrugged. ‘Nothing serious.’ I busied myself with my uniform and pushed the exchange from my mind, knowing nothing would come of worrying about it. After bundling my uniform with my toiletries bag, I headed to the bathroom to get ready, smiling at Lori half-heartedly as I passed to assure her I really was fine.
Harvey joined me at breakfast without any indication that he’d heard about the mirror incident, though I was sure he would have. Either way, it was apparent nothing about his opinion of me had changed. He pushed his brown hair to the side and smiled as I sat down beside him with my cereal and juice. I smiled back, making an effort to be nice to him. After all, I’d been a little weird at dinner the night before, and I’d hidden out in the sickbay all Saturday. I owed it to him to at least be civil.
He trailed his spoon through his cereal in silence. Something was obviously on his mind, and though I knew I wouldn’t really want to hear about it, I made myself ask anyway. ‘Is everything alright?’ I took a mouthful of cereal and looked at him questioningly.
He seemed eager to confide in me, though he kept his forehead furrowed as though drawing it out intentionally. ‘Well, yeah, sort of…’
I waited, sipping my juice.
‘I – I was kind of wondering if maybe you’d like to, well, maybe next weekend or something…’ he hesitated. ‘You know, kind of go – well—’
‘Julianne, Harvey would like to ask you out some time,’ Roger interrupted from across the table, his tone frank and his eyes matter-of-fact behind his glasses. He’d obviously been listening to the conversation unashamedly.
A small smile of amusement lingered on my lips, thinking how clichéd and mundane it sounded to have Harvey asking me out on a date. It felt kind of like we were starring in some cheap American sitcom from the nineties. I watched Harvey glare at Roger for a half-second before he turned to me looking harried.
‘I completely understand if you don’t want to. I know you’ve been through a rough few weeks and such, and I know you’re still pretty new to the school and you’re still settling in and it’s probably—’
‘No, that’d be cool,’ I said.
His expression brightened. ‘Really?’
After what felt like a hundred days of sitting with him at mealtimes, spending time with him in the rec room, and wandering between classes together, I’d come to quite like Harvey Baxter. I enjoyed his company, and a part of me thought it might be fun to spend some time together outside of the school environment.
‘So, where would you like to go?’ Harvey asked, eating his cereal with vigour now. ‘I know a great little café down the main street that we could go to next Saturday morning, if that suits – I can’t go this weekend sorry, we have a volleyball comp on. It’s a cute little place, French I think, with a balcony outside with tables and chairs, and the chef gives you free scones if you stay until closing time…’
I nodded, my expression turning distracted as suddenly I spotted the tall redhead standing with her friends by the kitchen. Her shoulders were hunched as though she felt like she was standing out, and my own body tightened in automatic response. I hadn’t had the energy to think about Alex much over the last few days, but I was alert enough to recognise immediately that something was amiss. Alex was the most confident, outgoing, proud and self-assured girl I’d ever met; she never felt awkward or out-of-place, and if she did, she would never let on. Something definitely felt wrong about the situation. She turned as I was watching her furtively and met my eyes; then she looked away again hurriedly, but not so hurriedly that I didn’t catch the sadness in her expression before she averted her gaze.
‘The only other place I can think of is the Brown Cup, a little café on the corner of Myall Street. It’s not as fancy as the French one, but there’s a great selection of cakes and biscuits, and a little alcove inside that gives you great privacy…’
I turned my head to face Harvey, pulling myself back to the conversation. ‘No, that sounds good.’
He looked at me with confusion. ‘Which one, the French one? Or the green-roofed one with the gardens? Or the Brown Cup?’
I frowned. ‘Any of them.’
‘Okay,’ he said slowly. ‘Well, why don’t we go to the French one to begin with? Saturday after next?’
I nodded and forced a smile onto my face, saying: ‘Brilliant,’ before draining the last of my juice and stacking my cup in my empty bowl. I made to stand up and push back my chair, hoping to catch Alex before breakfast was over, but Lori suddenly caught my arm from the other side.
‘We’re all going to go down to the pool after classes. Do you want to come? You too of course, Harvey.’
I nodded, too preoccupied to fake another smile. ‘Sure.’ Then a memory surfaced in my brain, and I shook my head suddenly. ‘Oh, actually, no sorry, I can’t.’ I looked at her and lowered my voice so nobody but she and Emma would be able to hear. ‘Tonight’s my first appointment with the counsellor.’
‘Oh, okay,’ Lori said, a little disappointed but still smiling. ‘Well, you’ll come, won’t you Harvey? The other guys are coming too.’
‘Definitely.’ Then he looked at me and held his glass up, smiling, as I pulled away from the table carefully. ‘I’ll save you a seat down the back in English.’
I nodded without thinking, looking around the dining hall as I carried my empty pots back to the kitchen. But Alex had already left.
I’d seen Mr Samuels, the school counsellor, once at the beginning of the term, but that had been more of a casual meet-and-greet than actual therapy. I was unsure but hopeful as I packed my books away under my desk that afternoon, straightened my collar and headed down to the administration block at quarter past three. The counsellor’s office was down the corridor to the right.
I knocked on the door, knowing I was early and expecting to have to wait, but a light-hearted voice called ‘Come in’ almost immediately. I pushed the door open, glancing around the room and barely containing the familiar distaste that threatened to touch my expression. The room was small and furnished with a wooden desk and revolving chair, and two padded armchairs covered with woven throws and cushions. There was a coffee table between them sporting a box of tissues; several pamphlets on mental illness, teenage pregnancies, and sexual and physical abuse; and a leather-bound Bible. The walls were corn yellow and decorated with pictures of farm animals.
I looked at the man sitting in the desk chair as he swung to face me, and smiled when he shook my hand politely.
‘Hello again, Julianne.’
‘I’m a little early.’
‘No matter. We’ll get cracking anyway.’ He gestured to the armchairs. ‘Take your pick.’
I chose the one nearest the door, perching uncomfortably on the edge and scrutinizing Mr Samuels as he turned to his computer with his back to me and skimmed over some notes. He was round-faced and charismatic, maybe forty-odd, with a gentle smile and a kind of southern European look to his swarthy skin and dark hair. He spun back to
face me slowly, having satisfied himself with whatever was on his computer screen. I glanced at it but couldn’t read it from where I sat.
Mr Samuels laced his hands in his lap and pushed himself from side to side in a relaxed manner. I gradually slid back in the armchair into a more comfortable position.
‘So, Juli. Mrs Bentley and Miss Wheaton explained what I think is the majority of what’s happened since you arrived at St Peter’s. It sounds like you’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, huh?’ He held the end of his biro to his lip and chewed on it thoughtfully for a moment. ‘We don’t have to go through it all again. I’m more interested in working with you from now on to help your day-to-day living travel a little more smoothly. Sound good?’
I nodded.
The session didn’t last longer than fifty or so minutes. In that time we managed to come up with a long list of things I already knew made me stressed: crowds, loud noises, too many tasks to accomplish, too much social interaction, claustrophobia, etc. Mr Samuels then taught me a basic relaxation sequence of tensing and releasing consecutive parts of my body, which he said could be used in any situation to calm me down if I felt overwhelmed. He also suggested a more thorough relaxation regime for bedtime, to allow myself to de-stress.
During the session, I continually had to force myself to relax and give up the information he was looking for. Not only had I made a promise to the principal to ‘help myself’ in return for being able to continue at St Peter’s, but the sooner Mrs Bentley was satisfied I’d been counselled sufficiently, the sooner the sessions could stop. I didn’t dislike Mr Samuels, but I could think of better things to do with my time.
‘Does all that sound good to you?’ He finally rested his elbows on his knees and linked his hands together, nodding when I gave the affirmative. ‘Well, we’ll meet again on Thursday after school at the same time, so you can let me know then how you’ve gone on with those relaxation techniques.’ He smiled kindly. ‘We’ll get everything sorted out over the next couple of weeks, don’t you worry. Everything can be handled with a little patience and determination.’
I nodded, smiled and thanked him for his time.
He held up a hand of farewell as I exited. ‘Don’t hesitate to come see me if you need to before then.’
I glanced over my shoulder as I headed back to the front office, watching his door close behind me. Despite feeling a little flustered and wired up, I had to admit that I felt much more composed after talking. I even smiled at the administration lady behind the desk as I headed back towards the dormitory, hoping that the others would still be at the pool and I’d have time to join them before dinner.
Two-Timer
I kept an eye out for her, but I didn’t see Alex again until Thursday. Lori and Emma demanded a full recount of what the counsellor had said Monday evening in the dormitory; not being particularly keen on reliving the whole conversation, I gave them a brief overview of what we’d discussed. Courtney had looked up briefly halfway through, one eyebrow raised and her lips pressed together in a smug expression. Apparently my compulsory counselling brought her a great deal of personal satisfaction.
Harvey seemed more at ease in my presence now that the beginnings of a relationship between us had been confirmed. He chattered happily during mealtimes, sitting next to me unashamedly, and I, not being particularly interested in anything he had to say, pretended to listen patiently and didn’t say anything to break the plans we had for the coming weekend.
I saw the school physician who deemed me emotionally unstable enough to warrant a low dose of anti-depressants, which Mrs Bentley picked up for me at the local pharmacy. Miss Wheaton agreed to keep the tablets in her office; I was fully capable of self-medicating, but the school’s policy regarding prescription medications were strict, and besides, it was easier to keep it out of sight than prompt questions from the other girls in my dormitory. I’d never been on medication before, and the initial side-effects hit me like a tonne of bricks for the first few days. Wednesday I was so physically exhausted I had to be excused from modern history in the middle of the day. I slept the rest of the afternoon off on the Dead Bed before wandering down to the rec room and sharing a bag of Liquorice All-Sorts with Lori and Emma. Lori commented on my pallor but other than that I featured very little in their conversation, reclining in the corner of the couch tiredly as they chatted. Thursday classes were uneventful. I was still washed out from the medication, and not fully capable of functioning throughout the day; my teachers patiently excused me from anything too strenuous and allowed me to work quietly at the back of the class. It wasn’t until the end of school that day that things started to pick up in excitement.
I tailed Lori and Emma back to the dorm to deposit our books and change into some casual wear. Lori questioned us both as to what we felt like doing. The day had been drizzly and cold but the sky had cleared in the last hour and the air outside was crisp and clean, begging to be inhaled in large breaths and enjoyed. I pulled on a jumper over my shirt and zipped it up, pulling my hair back into a tight ponytail and securing it with an elastic.
‘Why don’t we go out?’ I asked.
They seemed keen, and quickly pulled on suitable shoes. I stuffed my feet in my dog-eared black Converses and followed them back down the staircase. I’d been thinking about Alex all day, wondering where she’d disappeared to and why she’d looked so frustrated and forlorn the last time I’d seen her. I was well past the point of worrying that I cared for her. There was no use denying the concern that had been plaguing me since Monday, or the fear that I myself had done something wrong. I was eager to spend the next hour scouring the grounds for her, hoping to run into her and ask what the matter was. She hadn’t sought me out in days.
‘Where shall we go?’ Lori took a deep breath as we stepped out the glass doors and stretched her arms back.
I tried to think of the most likely place Alex would be. ‘Tennis courts?’
Emma shrugged. ‘Suits me. Maybe there’ll be some other girls to play a few rounds.’
So we headed down the path to the oval, the air cool but moist after the rainy day. I glanced around at the students wandering around with their arms full of textbooks or seated on benches together laughing and gossiping. A large group of seniors, both boys and girls, were playing soccer on the oval, clustered around the ball near the goalposts at one end of the field.
Lori rubbed her arms with her hands and looked up at the sky. ‘It’s actually a little chilly after all the rain.’ The afternoon was darker than it should have been for three thirty. The grass was still wet and heavy black clouds were hanging in the distance, threatening to bring more rain that night.
‘We’ll warm up when we play,’ I said, my voice distracted.
Emma looked across at me, frowning slightly. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Huh?’ I looked at her, nodding reassuringly. ‘Oh…yeah, of course. Just a little beat.’
I looked up at the tennis court as we approached, surveying the two girls rallying over the net. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of the familiar auburn head. She had her back to me, but from the looks of it was intensely into the round. We stalled by the open gate before entering and wandering towards Alex. I shoved my hands in my pockets and hung back a little, trying not to look too eager in my approach. She looked up though and met my eyes first, a crease forming between her brows. Her gaze tainted with annoyance upon seeing me. I frowned a little but didn’t confront her in front of the others. The most Alex and I’d had to do with each other to their knowledge was that first game of tennis. I had to admit though that I was itching to question her about the heated looks she kept throwing me as Lori asked if we could join them.
‘Sure. You two go over with Sarah, she needs all the help she can get.’
Sarah smiled sarcastically from across the net. ‘Funny.’
Lori and Emma retrieved three racquets from the shed and joined Sarah on the opposite side of the court, leaving me to twirl my racquet in my hand an
d hang back with Alex. She didn’t greet me or look at me; she only bent at the waist and pushed her weight from foot to foot briskly, waiting for Emma to serve.
‘So what’s got your knickers in a twist?’ I asked, my voice low enough not to carry.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
I narrowed my eyes at her back but didn’t have a chance to continue the conversation. Emma batted the ball towards us and we were forced to focus our energy on the game. The round went smoothly for the first thirty seconds or so as Alex and Lori rallied, but then the ball hit my side of the court and I prepared my racquet for the return. Before I could hit it back, Alex lunged from her side and played the ball, her eyes on the other team as though I wasn’t even there. I decided to let it go, and pressed my lips together to stop myself from asking her what the hell she was doing. But as the game continued and she kept playing my balls, I bristled with anger and finally couldn’t help but confront her.
I held my arms apart questioningly, glaring at her as Lori prepared to serve from the other side. Lori hesitated as I approached Alex and forced myself into her line of sight. ‘What the hell?’
