by Ian Finn
I’m too fragile right now to take that gamble. Why should I take the risk of giving my heart and soul over to someone who’s already left me once?
It’s easy for Ryan to waltz right back into my life and say he’s sorry. But how does that make up for the fact that I was so completely devastated after he left me the first time? Even if he does claim it was unintentional, and that he had thought it was a mutual break up.
A small part of me wonders if he might be right. Had I just been too stubborn to express to him how I really felt? Did he think that I had wanted to break up, too?
“This probably shouldn’t have happened,” I finally tell him, before adding, “Maybe you should just go.”
There’s a brief silence, before Ryan finally sits up in the bed.
He peers down at me, and then responds, sounding both peeved and shocked.
“You’re really kicking me out?” he says, in stunned silence, before throwing a jab at me. “Wow, I guess my apology to you was good enough for the moment. When you wanted to have sex with me.”
I quickly snap back, “Ha! You’re the one who’s pursuing me.”
Okay, I admit that’s only partially true. If I’m being completely honest, I was thinking to myself how fine Ryan looked when he walked into the band practice room that day.
And it’s not as though he twisted my arm to have sex with him. It’s just… I don’t even know anymore; I’m so fed up with thinking about relationships right now.
“I don’t know why you’re blaming me that Jake left you,” he says.
I’m about to protest, but he keeps talking.
“You could have at least called me after we broke up to let me know how you felt about me, instead of bottling it up for the past fifteen years.”
How rude!
I want to challenge what he’s saying to me, and defend myself, but if I really stop and think about his words, there’s probably some truth to them. Maybe all of this is just happening too soon after my breakup with Jake. Maybe I’m mixing up what happened back then between Ryan and me in my confused mind, because I’m still upset about Jake.
The feelings are still raw inside me, and seeing Ryan only brings the anger boiling up to the surface –– along with all the other feelings that go with it.
Now, feeling emotionally spent and stonewalled, I ask him, “Just what do you want out of this, Ryan? Huh? What do you think is supposed to come of you and me getting together again?”
I ask him this because I really do want an honest answer. How am I supposed to keep a monogamous relationship with someone, when I couldn’t even keep an open one with Jake?
I thought the whole point of having an open relationship with someone was to give the other person freedom. To not put any sort of constraints on the other person.
Jake sure got his freedom, alright. Freedom in the form of a messy divorce.
Ryan doesn’t exactly answer my question. Or perhaps it’s the answer I don’t want to hear.
“Why can’t you just admit that you still have feelings for me?” he appeals. “I have them for you.”
His eyes are studying my facial expression, as if to see if he’s getting through to me.
He then continues, “And yes, I already told you that I’d like it if we could begin to date again. What’s so wrong with that?”
Out of pure impulse, I blurt out, “I don’t even believe in commitment anymore. I’m only doing open relationships, and since I can’t give you what you want, you should just forget about me.”
The problem is that I don’t even know if I fully believe what I’m saying myself. Would I really want another open relationship after the last one?
The whole idea of getting involved again just makes me skittish. At the same time, I can’t deny the powerful attraction that obviously still exists between Ryan and me. It’s as if my heart is telling me one thing, and my mind, another.
Ryan lies back down on the bed and turns sideways to face me, elbow out, and hand holding his head.
“I don’t want to go or give up on you. Why can’t you see that, Zach?”
Now that I’ve calmed down some from our argument, I can’t find it in myself to be mean or tell Ryan to leave again. But I somehow find the courage to tell him something that I’ve been keeping from him so far.
“You know what? I went and tracked you down in Chicago. When I saw that you were together with another man, I was heartbroken. Devastated.”
Now intrigued, and curious, he asks, “When did you see me in Chicago?”
“About eight years ago. I got your address, and was about to knock at your door, when through the picture window, I saw you with your boyfriend, or husband, or whatever he was. I just turned around and walked off.”
He moves even closer to me, laying his free hand onto my chest.
“You did that?” he says, with an air of wistfulness.
Then, he continues.
“I’m flattered that you went to those lengths to try to reconnect with me. Believe me, I never set out to intentionally hurt you, Zach. And, I don’t care what kind of relationship we have. I just want you to at least try and be willing to see where it takes us.”
He pauses.
“I was left by my husband too, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on love. Shit happens, but I don’t want that to deter me from finding a lifetime partner.”
He then moves in to kiss me on the lips. And once again, I go right back to that dreamlike state I was in earlier. Suddenly, everything we talked about has vanished, and all that matters is the connection I feel with Ryan.
The problem is that I’m still wildly attracted to him. There’s a part of me that feels as though I’m betraying myself by giving in to him… that I shouldn’t forgive him so easily. Yet I cannot help myself. He’s always had this effect on me, and still does to this day.
And he makes me hornier than fuck!
It’s only seconds into our kiss, when I become aroused again. And I can already see his dick is hard as a rock, and ready for a second round.
There’s no way I can resist Ryan, because nobody has ever been able to please me sexually the way he can. And it was that way from the very start. I can make a million excuses for why we shouldn’t be together, but the fact is that I’m drawn to Ryan like a magnet.
He interrupts our kiss to bluntly say, “Let’s fuck.”
When I come back to the bed, I hand him a condom, not really knowing if he’s going to put it on him, or me. When we were together, there wasn’t any strict role that either of us played in the bedroom. We were able to satisfy each other equally, regardless of who was top or bottom.
I’m kneeling on the bed when Ryan moves in and places the condom on my cock. He then hands me a bottle of lubricant and waits for me to instruct him on what to do next.
“Kneel and face the headboard,” I tell him, and he dutifully complies with my request.
Now from behind, I can get a perfect view of his round, protruding, but tight ass. From behind, Ryan’s body is a classic v-shape, with a broad upper body, and tight defined mid-section. I drip an ample amount of lube on my cock, and while still in a kneeling position, I approach him from behind.
My dick is rock hard by now and eager to get inside that fine ass that’s sticking out in front of me. I hover my upper body over his and begin to kiss Ryan on the back of the neck. Then I grasp my hands around his chest to feel his pec muscles and squeeze his nipples hard.
Before I enter him, though, I cover my two fingers in lube, and slowly wriggle my way in. I can hear a faint moan coming from him as my fingers go deep, and then deeper still.
“I want your cock, Zach. Fuck me!” he says, in a commanding tone.
So, I don’t waste any more time. I raise my upper body up and watch as I push the head of my dick inside him, then grab on to either side of his ass.
“Fuck! Yes!” he cries out, as he uses force to push himself in deeper until I’ve filled him up completely.
He
begins to ride my cock in a slow rocking motion. The site of Ryan’s perfect butt makes me so keyed up that I have to slow his movements, for fear of cumming too quickly. So, he stabilizes his movements, and I savor each thrust and revel in the feeling of the tight fit around my cock.
At one point, Ryan turns his head to the side.
“I missed this. I love how your fat cock feels inside me,” he says lovingly, and nearly breathless.
And although I don’t say it to him, I’ve missed having sex with Ryan, too. I’ve never denied that the two of us were made for each other sexually. I just don’t want to say something to him that’s too emotional in the heat of the moment, that I might regret later.
“Hold on,” he says at one point, and pulls out.
“I want you to sit yourself against the headboard,” he tells me.
When we change our positions, he quickly climbs on top of me and sits down on my cock. Ryan’s body from the front is equally stunning as it is from the back. I place my hands on either side of his waist and hang on as he begins to bounce himself up and down.
“Fuck. Your cock is rock hard!” he says, almost joyously.
And Ryan’s is just as hard as mine is. At one point I grab the bottle of lube that’s sitting beside me, dribble it over his cock, and begin to stroke him. Ryan lets out a loud grunt, and I hold my hand in place and let his long cock slide between my hands. It’s so hot, watching his balls sway back and forth as his gyrations pick up.
It feels like either of us can cum at any second. I use my other hand to play with his nipples and squeeze them hard, as the heat between us intensifies. Ryan’s groans are getting longer and louder until I realize he can no longer hold back.
He lets out a loud, “Fuck!” as he begins to shoot his cum.
It rises up in the air, landing on my chest, arms and face.
Then it’s my turn, and I let out a prolonged, heavy groaning sound as my cock is plunging deeper and more forcefully. Finally, I cum too, savoring the sweet release.
Once I’ve finished, Ryan rests his body forward, and leans his head on my shoulder. Both of us sit still, as our normal breathing pattern returns.
We end with a long, deep kiss that is mutually satisfying.
“Would you like to shower together?” I ask, whereby he nods, and says, “Uh huh.”
Our long and hot shower is followed by me changing the sheets on the bed. I put on some soft music and ask Ryan if he wants to relax on the bed together with me before he heads home. He agrees, and we lie together, naked for the next hour.
After a brief bout of silence, he turns to me, and says, “Zach, I don’t care what type of relationship we have. I’m not ever giving up on you again. I’m certain of that.”
While the draw I have towards Ryan is undeniable, I don’t know how to come right out and tell him, “yes, let’s give our relationship another try.”
I do feel both excitement and nervousness upon hearing him say this to me.
He’s telling me now that he doesn’t care what type of relationship we have, but I can’t honestly say whether I know what type I want. Maybe an open relationship with Ryan would only lead to another disaster in waiting.
“Ryan, you can’t be certain of anything in life,” I say to him.
Perhaps this is the reality that I myself need to come to terms with. There’s never going to be a guarantee that Ryan won’t leave me again. The sooner I come to terms with this, the faster I can make a decision.
I can’t spend the rest of my life blaming Ryan for leaving. I really have just two choices. To risk everything again for love with Ryan or play it safe and never fall in love ever again.
Chapter Ten
Ryan
“Get ready, Eli, we’re going to be late,” I tell him, as I check my watch again while leaning against the front door to my house.
Tonight is another night of choir practice and I don’t want to make it a habit of arriving late, like we did for yesterday’s practice.
“I’m coming, Dad,” Eli tells me, as he finally waltzes out of his room, dressed in his new ski pants and snow boots.
While on my lunch break yesterday, we stopped at the local ski shop across the street from my store and I bought Eli an early Christmas present. Last year was the first time I took him skiing, and he hasn’t stopped talking about it ever since.
“Just where do you think we’re going, Eli? To the North Pole?” I ask, shaking my head.
I can’t help but smile, however, at how cute he looks in them.
“I like them. Why can’t I wear them?” he pleads with me.
It’s already too late to change, anyway, so I guess he’ll get his wish. I take his hand and we quickly make our way to the car.
“Can we drive by the house with all the Christmas lights?” Eli asks me along the way.
“We will, but on the way home,” I tell him.
On the ten-minute drive to St. Joseph’s, we have to pass by Zach’s home, and my mind immediately starts to reminisce on the past few days I’ve spent with him.
Even though Zach has, until now, been resistant to committing to an actual relationship, I remain cautiously optimistic that he’ll finally see how committed I am to making us work. Not just as a boyfriend, and partner, but as a family.
Now I regret telling Zach that I’d be willing to have any kind of relationship with him. My hope is that this “open relationship” nonsense of his is just an excuse he’s using not to commit. If his open relationship with Jake was so great, then why did it end? If you ask me, it just adds to the risk of your partner cheating, granting them open season of unlimited dick.
I feel as though my whole life has been leading up to this moment with Zach, and I’m hopeful that he will finally set aside whatever fears he’s still holding onto, regarding past abandonment or regrets. I know that deep down he still cares about me, and that’s why I’m going to keep pursuing him, while giving him the time he needs to come around.
Zach briefly pauses when he sees Eli and me come in.
“Oh, hello, Ryan. Hi, Eli, why don’t you go take your place with the other boys?” he says in an overly formal manner, before returning to the song.
Zach and I seem to have both silently agreed that for now we will keep our shows of affection private. Eli is my main concern, and rightly so. He often tells me that he hopes that Lewis and I will reunite, but when I tell him that’s not likely, it only makes him upset.
He doesn’t want me to be with anyone else, he’s made that clear to me. But he doesn’t know Zach very well yet, and I think as time passes, he’ll see what a good man he is and hopefully come to accept him. And if Lewis decides to drop out of his life forever, then Eli will have no choice but to forget about him –– As sad, and inevitable as that may seem.
I decide to stay and watch the rehearsal tonight and am thrilled to see just how Eli is opening up both musically, and socially, with the other kids.
Suddenly, I notice Wes and Flynn appear in the doorway and summon me to join them just outside the room.
Surprised to see them, I ask, “Hey, guys, what are you doing here?”
While Flynn is busy observing the choir practice, Wes and I walk further away from the doorway, so we can talk without disturbing the choir.
“We’re here because I wanted to deliver our formal invitation to the Marshall family Christmas party,” he says, handing me an expensive looking envelope with one of those decorative gold seals on the back.
Then he asks, “Has Zach taken a break yet?”
“No, he should be soon, though,” I tell him, before thanking him for the invite with a hug.
“I really appreciate this, Wes, and I’d be honored to attend your family’s party,” I say.
Flynn then joins us, and upon hearing me thank Wes, says to me, “We’re more than happy to have you there, Ryan.”
Then he adds, “I think you’re going to get a real kick out of Wes’s family. They’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and I mean t
hat in the best way possible.”
That’s when I think about how I had met his cousin, so I bring it up, “Hey Wes, I met your cousin, Candy. You’re right, Flynn, she is quite the character.”
Wes and Flynn look at each other, puzzled.
“You met Candy?” he asks, then questions, “Did she come into your store?”
Just then I hear Zach announce to the children they are going to take a ten-minute break. I turn my attention back to Will.
“No, she was visiting a neighbor of mine, who babysits for Eli. We left her house together, and I walked with her to her car,” I tell them.
“She’s really fun,” I add.
Wes looks as if he’s about to ask me another question, but just then, Zach pokes his head out of the door.
“Why don’t you guys come in here?” he asks us.
So, we follow him in, and Wes hands him his invitation.
He looks it over, and jokes, “Wow, personal delivery! I’m impressed.”
Then he places it on the desk, next to his jacket and briefcase.
We all laugh, and then a thought occurs to me.
“Hey Wes, are there going to be other children at the party?” I ask.
It appears that I clued in Wes to a forgotten detail regarding the party.
“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you!” he says, excitedly. “My grandmother has invited Father Joseph, and the entire boys’ choir to the party! She even chartered three separate limousines to bring them up there.”
Limousines? I think. Damn, Wes’s family must be super rich.
This party is beginning to sound better than ever. I’m so happy for Eli that he will get to experience this.
Wes adds, “Yeah, my grandmother thinks it will be good for the boys, and a real treat to give them a feast, and presents, too.”
“Don’t forget the limousine ride,” Zach adds. Then jokes, “Did Grandma Darla hire a limo for us?
Flynn laughs, then quips, “I really wouldn’t put it past her, if you want to know the truth.”
Upon hearing this, Zach candidly jokes, “Well, I would expect nothing less. Darla has my address, so you just give me the time and I’ll be waiting.”
