by Laura Riley
Dragging my feet, I make my way downstairs and to the door. “Darcy?”
She’s wearing a pair of dark blue dungarees, her short hair spiked up. I’m sure it’s the first time I’ve seen her in casual dress. With her thumbs wrapped around the denim straps, she rocks back and forth on her heels. “I knew I couldn’t send a boy to do a man’s job.”
“Excuse me?” I say.
She takes a step forward and instinctively I step back. “I think you and I need to have a little chat.” She barges past me and makes her way into the lounge.
Sure, Darcy, come right in, after you.
I close the door and make my way to the lounge, where she’s sitting on the settee inspecting her nails.
I stand in the doorway. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
She glances up from her nails. “I think you know by now that I don’t like you.”
I hold my hand over my heart and pull the most pathetic puppy-dog face I can. “But we were getting along so well, where did it go so wrong?”
“I’m going to drop the pleasantries.”
I snort. “I think you dropped those a long time ago.”
I don’t know how she does it. She’s mastered resting bitch face, or maybe it’s just her face, who knows.
“You have to end things with Seth.”
“Let me tell you right now that isn’t going to happen.” I don’t sit down, I don’t offer her a drink. Instead I turn my back on her and walk towards the front door. Her cue to leave.
“He’ll lose Ellie if you don’t.”
I freeze. My feet feel as though they’re rooted to the spot.
“What?” I say, in no more than a whisper.
“Come, sit down, I’ll put the kettle on.”
I don’t feel as though I’m walking, but rather floating. I take a seat in the easy chair opposite and sit in silence as Darcy goes into the kitchen to make us drinks.
Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours as I wait for her to join me. She re-enters the lounge and puts a steaming cup of tea on the table.
I look up and she winks. “I added a little something stronger to give it a kick.”
Robotically, I take the mug and take a sip. I cough as soon as I swallow. Jeez, I’d guess at least half of the contents is whiskey.
I place the mug back on the table and Darcy sits on the settee. Narrowing my eyes, I lean forward. “I’m listening.”
“Anna came to see Seth—”
“I know, he told me.”
Darcy raises a brow. “Did he tell you she wants to take Ellie to Australia?”
I relax back into the chair and nod. “Yes, he’s already told me this.” Seth told me about Anna the day after she went to see him. He wasn’t concerned. Darcy’s overreacting. I smile. “We have no secrets.”
Her brows knit together. “Did he tell you she’s blackmailing him?”
I feel as though she’s stuck a pin in me, and like a balloon, everything I am is seeping out and I’m deflating.
“She wants ten thousand pounds. If she doesn’t get the money she is going to apply for full custody of Ellie.”
My mouth falls open. “Okay.” I run my hands down the length of my pyjama bottoms. “I could speak to the bank, see if I could take money out of the house.”
She holds her hand in the air. “My brother wouldn’t even consider taking money off you.”
I want to argue with her, tell her she’s wrong, but she isn’t. There is no way Seth would take a penny off me, but surely, I can try. I’ll speak to Seth tomorrow; we can get through this, I know we can.
I stand. “Okay, thank you for your concern.”
“Sit.”
Like a dog I obey. I sink down with my elbows on my knees, resting my chin in my hands. “What has any of this got to do with my relationship with Seth?”
She steeples her fingers in her lap. “It has everything to do with your relationship with him.”
“Why’s that?” I challenge with a raised voice.
“Because your brother has offered him fifteen thousand pounds to finish with you, and if Seth doesn’t agree Cole is threatening to make them both homeless. Seth will lose everything, the roof over their heads, his business, Ellie, and it’ll be all your fault. Now I’m not telling you what to do, but if he loses Ellie because of you, he will never forgive you.”
I laugh. “Cole wouldn’t do that, I know my brother.”
She shakes her head. “Not as well as you think you do.”
I pull my phone from my pocket and she grabs my wrist. “If you breathe a word of this to Cole, he’ll make them homeless.” Releasing me, she stands, dusting her skirt down. “Seth was too much of a coward to tell you. I’m not. Sometimes in life you have to hurt the people you love because you put their needs before your own. I trust you’ll make the right decision for Ellie, for Seth.”
Seth
All good things have to come to an end, and a heat wave in England is sadly one of those things. I’m sitting in my lounge. Large raindrops have been hammering against the window for the past hour.
It’s unusually quiet in my house today, and, feeling completely relaxed, I leave the TV switched off and enjoy listening to the melodic ticking of the clock.
Darcy offered to take Ellie shopping to get ballet shoes. It seems Freja convinced her to try a dance class. At first Ellie was a bit unsure, but when they told me I could stay and wait in a side room with the other parents, she decided that she wanted to give it a try.
With the house to myself for the first time in a long time, I sit and ponder what to do. I know I can’t go see Lizzie. Rick told me Cole has been hanging around and as Cole has been MIA for the past few days, I know she’ll want to spend time with her brother. I might be a loved-up motherfucker, but I’m not a selfish one.
I’ve dropped Lizzie several texts throughout the morning, and it bothers me that I can see she’s read them and not replied. I scroll to Rick’s name.
Me: Is Cole still hanging around?
I drum my fingers on the arm of the settee, go to the kitchen to make a coffee, and watch a forty-five-minute documentary before I get a reply.
Rick: He’s just left.
I don’t know what possesses me, but I call her instead of texting. She answers after the fourth ring.
“Hello.” Her voice is muffled.
“You’ve not been answering your phone.”
She blows out. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you on your own?” I can hear running water in the background.
“I’m about to jump in the shower, so yes.”
Fuck, yeah. Lizzie naked, getting into the shower. The line goes quiet. I can’t hear the running water in the background, so assume she’s turned the shower off. It’s not like Lizzie to be this quiet. “Is everything okay?”
Silence for a beat. I can hear her faint breath from the other end. “I’m sorry, Seth, I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“I can’t do any of this. I think we should stop seeing each other.”
I don’t know what possesses me, but I laugh. Her words only register in my mind when I realise that she isn’t laughing with me. She’s serious. I spring off the settee and begin pacing up and down. “Yesterday you told me you love me and today we’re over? This is Cole, isn’t it, is he bribing you?”
“What? No. This has nothing to do with my brother.” I can hear her sobs at the end of the phone. “I’m sorry, Seth, but the work on my house has finished and, well, there’s no point us dragging this out. It’s been fun but I’ve got to focus on my job. You’ve got to focus on Ellie. Maybe in another life we could have been happy.”
Is she actually serious right now? “Is Ellie too much for you, is that it?” It feels as though my heart is shattering, like it’s tearing from each vein and artery and is bleeding out in my chest. I push my feelings aside. “How is this going to affect Ellie?”
“I’m not her mum, Seth, she’ll get over me.”
/> Wow, just fucking wow.
I storm upstairs. The doors almost fly off their hinges as I make my way into Ellie’s room. “You know the photo Amber printed off of us all is stuck to her bedroom wall. The photo is right beside the taped-up mosaic of Nemo you two did together. This will crush her.”
“Seth, I’m sorry, but I think it’s easier to do this now than months down the line. Trust me, I’m doing this for you. I’m doing this for Ellie.”
“Like hell you are.” I can’t believe she’s splitting up with me, just like that, no explanation, no nothing. I take a deep breath and try to claw back some of my dignity. “Have a good life.”
I cut off the call and stare at the phone. How the fuck do I tell Ellie that another woman has abandoned her?
I sit on Ellie’s bed and glance up at the pictures taped to her wall. Pictures she wanted to look up at every night before going to bed. The family Ellie clearly wanted, the family I wanted is gone.
I sit tall and think about how I handled the breakup with Anna. Truth is, I didn’t. I crumbled. Anna was everything to me. I spent months trying to track her down, months emailing and texting her. Finally it dawned on me one day that she was gone and she wasn’t coming back.
Okay, I have to take stock of the positive in my life—my little girl. It’s us against the world and I don’t need anyone, which reminds me.
I leave my heart in Ellie’s bedroom. Looks like I won’t be needing it any more. I pull the blank cheque from Cole out of my wallet and consider my options. I unlock my phone and scroll down to my building society app. I know if I do this, there is no going back, but I don’t feel as though I have an option. My finger hovers over the call button. I press the screen.
After I’ve spoken to my bank, I call Anna. The call’s diverted to voicemail, and I take a breath, knowing I’m signing my soul over to the devil. “Anna, it’s me. It’s about the money. We need to talk.”
Lizzie
The mug I’m holding slips from my fingers and smashes in the sink. I jump, grabbing my chest.
I facepalm. “Absolutely amazing.” I run the tap, ridding the basin of any shards before tossing the broken pieces into the bin. That was my fourth cup of herbal tea in the last couple of hours. The camomile was meant to calm my nerves. The camomile failed.
I drag my feet into the lounge. Sighing, I sit on the chair nearest the window. I purposely face away from the sofa-bed. I can’t bear to look at it—it just reminds me of all the special moments Seth and I shared. I can imagine the two of us on the bed together, laughing, sipping wine, lying beneath the covers wrapped up in one another.
My eyes are glazed with tears. The view out of the window is a blur, much like the last seven days have been. A week since I’ve seen Seth, and incidentally a week that I’ve isolated myself in these four walls drinking camomile tea and binge-watching Netflix.
After living as a recluse, I conclude it’s time to re-enter the rat race called life. Problem is, I’ve got too used to my own company. I know that I can’t do this alone. I stand and take my phone off the mantel. The screen’s blank, and it doesn’t turn on when I press the button. I turned it off as soon as Seth cut the call ending our conversation, and it’s been off ever since. I plug it into the charger and wait for it to load.
I ignore the ream of messages that flash on my screen. Not one is from Seth. When I click onto my contacts, Amber is the first name I see. I press her name, my ear pressed against the screen as I listen to dial tone.
She answers on the sixth ring. “Decided to rejoin the land of the living?”
I coil the charger lead around my finger. “Sorry, I’ve been preoccupied.”
“Preoccupied? Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself? I haven’t heard from you in a week, you’ve not answered the door when I came round, you’ve not returned my calls, what the hell?”
“I can’t go into that now, but I’d really like someone to talk to. Are you free today?”
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“If you’re going to tell me why you split up with Seth.” Her tone isn’t exactly sharp, but there’s a hint of agitation in her voice.
I scratch my head. “Wow, news travels fast.”
Of course it does, she’s seeing Rick. Rick is one of Seth’s best friends. I feel awful for how things ended with Seth, but I know I did the right thing. “How is he?”
She sighs down the phone. “How do you think? You broke up with the guy over the phone. That’s cold.”
I couldn’t say it to his face. I know if I did, I’d never have ended it. I’m starting to think calling Amber was a bad idea. I’m about to say bye when she speaks.
“I stop for lunch in half an hour. We have no appointments this afternoon so I can always shut the shop early.”
“Meet you at the park?” I suggest.
The park of all places, the same park I went to with Seth and Ellie. I’m a glutton for punishment but I deserve it—the torment, the pain. I said the most horrible things imaginable to him, I said what I needed to so that he’d hate me. Congrats, Lizzie, you succeeded. Seth hates me, no doubt Ellie hates me. I hate me.
“Park it is, see you there,” she says.
I cut the call. I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas for a week. I seriously need to freshen up. I have a quick shower, towel-dry my hair and slip into a knee-length black dress. I grab my keys from my jacket pocket and shut the door on my home, on my gilded cage.
Finally outside, I take a deep breath, breathing in the sweet scent of summer. I set off down my driveway and head in the direction of the park.
The sun’s particularly bright today and is reflecting off the metal slide. Using my hand as a visor, I glance around. There is no sign of Amber. Instinctively I look toward the bench I sat on with Seth. A poignant smile tugs at my lips when I see it’s occupied. A young couple are sitting side by side, the man blowing bubbles for a little boy. The child looks around the same age as Ellie. What I’d give to turn back the clock to when it was the three of us sitting together.
Spotting an empty bench opposite, I pass the family blowing bubbles and sit down. Instead of watching them, I glance down at my phone. I scroll down my list of text messages, briefly listen to my eighteen voice mails and hop on my social media account. I should be glad Seth hasn’t tried to contact me, glad he’s moving on, but I’m not. It leaves a hole in the bottom of my heart that I can’t fix. The more it beats the bigger the hole gets until my heart disappears altogether.
I turn my phone off. It’s only a matter of minutes before I spot Amber heading towards me, Freja walking to her right. Freja is smiling at me, but I can see her looking towards the slide and climbing frame.
“Where’s Ellie?” she blurts out.
What the hell do I say? I look to Amber for help. “She… she’s—”
Amber picks up on her cue and tugs the little girl’s jacket off. “Freja, there are plenty of children playing, go and join in. You’ll soon make friends.”
“Okay, Mummy,” Freja says before running towards the playground.
Amber sits down beside me, folding the jacket in her lap. “Talk,” she says, offering me her profile as she watches Freja.
“What do you want me to say?”
She looks at me for a beat. Her eyes are narrow. “You’ve obsessed over the guy for years, you finally get him and let him go? Just like that?”
She’s right, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t stay with Seth and watch him lose everything because of me.
Amber nudges my arm. “So, are you going to fill in the blanks?”
I sit forward, crossing my arms, thinking what to say. “It’s complicated.”
The young family are sitting blowing bubbles. I’m mesmerised. There’s something hauntingly beautiful about bubbles. How something so ordinary can be transformed into something so elegant. A kaleidoscope of colours merge together, flying to the heavens. Except they don’t reach their destination. All good things have an e
xpiration—youth, beauty, happiness, it’s only a matter of time before the bubble bursts.
Amber rubs her temples. “Complicated? What’s complicated?”
I sigh and can’t stop a tear escaping. “Life, that’s what.” I can feel a lecture brewing. Turning to face her, I squeeze her hand. “Please, Amber, stop with the questions. I just need a friend.”
Her face softens and she throws her arms around my shoulders, hugging me. Her long blonde hair sticks to my face, I push the strands aside. Squinting, I glance towards the play area. Freja is playing with another little girl, a little girl who should have been Ellie. A lump makes its way into my throat. I wilt in Amber’s arms, but as I fall apart she squeezes me that bit tighter, holding my broken pieces together.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“We’re best friends, I’m here any time you need me.”
We sit and make small talk. I enquire about her and Rick’s relationship, to which Amber tells me it’s just a bit of fun. “Victor broke me, I’ll never trust again.”
This is the first time Amber’s opened up to me about her ex. Sure, I have the fun-loving Amber sat beside me, but she doesn’t let me in, she doesn’t let anyone in. As insignificant as her statement is, it feels as though the spell he had over her is losing its power.
There are so many questions I want to ask her. “What hap—”
Panting, Freja runs towards us. I stop speaking as she wiggles her bum between me and Amber and sits between us on the bench. I will speak to Amber, when the times right. I’ll be there for her when she’s ready to open up.
Freja huffs. “I’m bored. Can we go to the beach?”
It feels as though an arrows been shot right into my heart at the mention of the beach. Today feels like a trip down memory lane. Next we’ll be going to the Sea Life Centre and finish off eating at Pepper-Oni’s.
We cram into Amber’s tiny car and head for the coast. It’s mid-afternoon by the time we park up. Amber pops into a shop and comes out with three bottles of chilled water and a bucket and spade for Freja.
