by Karen Deen
“Higher, higher,” Soph giggles loudly. “We have to beat Sammy and Uncle Luke.” I look across at Luke who wears a big-ass grin. Oh yeah, game on, brother. Challenge accepted.
“Hang on, Princess, we can easily beat them.”
“No, you can’t, Uncle Grant! Uncle Luke is bigger and stronger than you!” Sammy yells as he’s being pushed high into the air.
“Yeah, big brother. You may be older, but I’m stronger.” He laughs as the competition heats up.
“Keep those kids safe in your ‘healthy’ competition, boys,” Gruffy yells from the back deck where everyone’s sitting drinking and chatting.
The kids are laughing and screaming the higher we push until Sophia falls silent. I grab her instantly and lift her into my arms.
“What, Princess? Are you all right?” I feel concern that I can’t even explain.
She whispers in my ear. “Yes. I was just laughing so much, I wet my pants and need to go to the toilet.” Her cheeks are a little pink from embarrassment.
“Please don’t tell anyone.” She looks down at my chest.
“You’re always safe with me, Sophia. I’ve got you.” I look towards Luke with a wink.
“I’m thirsty. We’ll continue this later, hey boys? Let’s go, Soph, we’ll go inside and get a drink.” We head for the house and I give Emily a head flick to signal she’s needed inside. I put Sophia down when we reach the kitchen and she runs off towards the bathroom.
“There was a little too much excitement out there, I think. Something a mom can handle.” I kiss Emily on the cheek and, as I turn to head back outside, she grabs my arm.
“Keep the dream alive. One day this will be you. I know it deep in my heart. Just keep hanging in there. Every day you’re a day closer. You just never know what tomorrow brings.”
“Thanks, Em.” I walk away knowing how right she is.
We all sit chatting into the night. Everyone’s decided to stay at Zach’s except Luke and Zoe.
Zoe was out visiting with the kids when they decided to organize the get-together. She’d come home with Emily in the morning after picking up Sophia from dance rehearsals. Her plan was to stay the weekend but now Luke has said he’s heading home as he has an early morning run booked with Xavier, Zara’s friend. Zoe decides she will head home with him. They both seem a little quiet tonight.
I’ve had too many drinks to be driving so I’m staying put. No matter what, I would never put anyone’s life in danger from me being reckless and drink driving. What I find strange is Luke would normally drink us all under the table, yet he announced he’s fine to drive because he’s only had two light beers all night. What the hell is that about?
There’s definitely something going on with him and I haven’t managed to work out. I will just keep digging. When I have the energy, that is.
I have more important things to worry about. Plans to make. A life to live. A dream to get.
31
Zara
No matter what’s happened up until now, it won’t matter. That first performance, the first leap, that first turn, it’s all that matters.
Staring into my dressing room mirror is just surreal. I’ve dreamed for so long of this very moment. Building the moment up so high in my head for years. Everything I have ever wanted to achieve has been about reaching this very night. Now I need new goals that keep me focused on my career.
It’s Opening Night on Broadway with the New York Dance Company.
Looking around the room, I know I’m the oldest here. My days are numbered. I’m soaking up every single moment. Besides my age, you never know what each day brings. Injury can take away your dream right there on the spot.
Sitting next to me are the biggest bunch of lavender roses I have ever seen. I have to look up what the meaning of the color is. It makes my heart flutter when I read lavender is for love at first sight. There’s no card, but I know they’re from him. He wants to make sure I know he’s thinking of me even when he isn’t here.
A phone call would be too hard.
A text message is just as difficult.
Flowers, just perfect.
The number of roses is odd, and no one understands except me.
Sixty-seven roses.
Sixty-seven days since he has seen me.
Sixty-seven days since I’ve last touched him.
Sixty-seven days since he’s fucked me.
Sixty-seven days of loving him from afar.
Not that I’ve been counting. I can probably tell you how many hours it is, too.
I made a decision when I got on the plane to fly out here to live, that I would cut all contact, but I need to let him know I love what he’s done. It means so much to know he’s here in some way with me. He hasn’t forgotten me.
I snap a picture of the roses and am ready to press send. No, that isn’t enough. I snap myself in the mirror with the flowers and press send before I change my mind. I know I’ve probably made a mistake but right at this moment, I don’t care. I still love him, and he needs to know that.
I open the message again to see if there are any dots of an impending reply.
Nothing.
God, what I have I done. I was in such a hurry to send, I hadn’t even looked at the picture. My mind was elsewhere. I wasn’t in full costume yet so I’m standing in a black lacy bra, G- string panties, and fish-net stockings with suspenders. My red silk robe hangs open.
I’m wearing bright red lipstick and a face full of stage make up.
My hair is curled and falling around my shoulders.
That was so cruel. Poor Grant. He probably just fell off his chair in the office. I hope he was on his own when he opened it.
As much as I regret sending it, there are certain parts of my body heating up thinking how much that picture will have him on edge. Maybe later tonight he will be jerking off to it, thinking of me.
Suddenly my mind snaps back to the present when the ten-minute call rings through the speakers in the dressing room. The buzz starts to ramp up and robes are being dropped all around me as costumes are being pulled on.
This is it.
Showtime.
Everything I have dreamed of.
It’s go time.
No regrets. Leave nothing behind.
Time to live my dream.
Grant
Fuck. Me. Dead.
Is she trying to kill me?
I haven’t heard a thing from Zara since she left. Now in the back of a taxi, I open a message from her that has my cock wanting to jump straight out of my pants. That image will never leave me. It’s perfection.
Zara is perfection.
What. The. Fuck
I run my hand down my face. I’m so confused. Why now did she choose to send me that? It’s more than a thank you message for the flowers. That message is an offer.
For what, I don’t know. But I want…need to find out.
I’m done waiting. It’s time to find another solution. This separation shit just isn’t cutting it with me anymore.
I want her back.
Now.
Time to get my baby and this time I am not walking away.
No matter what she says.
Zara
The roar of the audience is deafening. I look down with tears pooling in my eyes to see my family and friends standing, cheering and crying. Dad is hugging my mom and seems to be holding her up. My greatest fan even if she is a little biased. She always gets so emotional when I perform on a small stage but tonight is huge. Not just for me but for those four people in the front row. They never stopped believing in me.
They loved me when I needed it, then pushed me when I didn’t know how to move. As for Xavier, he kicked my butt until I pushed past my own limits and created new ones.
I could never thank them enough for all they’ve done. They are my world.
Taking bows, I look into the audience. I finally made it. After all this time. To all those people who said I would never make it, I feel sorry for you. I
can’t hate you, even though sometimes I want to. You actually helped me, in your own way. You made me stronger and more determined to make you wrong. I stand taller because of you.
Tonight, nothing can take away how proud I am of myself.
I never gave up.
I had a dream.
I strived to reach it.
I made it.
Time to chase a new dream.
No matter what in life, we must never stop having dreams and aiming for them.
As the curtain starts to lower for the second time, my tears start to fall. No matter how happy I am, a part of me is missing. It’s a bittersweet joy.
One of the things I love about performing is being part of a show family. Everyone cheers as I enter the dressing room. I’m the only newbie in the company for this show run. There are plenty of hugs and kisses. There’s always a healthy competition between the dancers. We’re all friends except for the few who are in every show. Those are the ones you watch your back with. Never trust what they say or do.
I quickly freshen up so I can duck out into the foyer to see my parents. On your first show, you have special permission to appear in the foyer in costume to see your family who are here for opening night. Normally, no costumes are allowed outside of the stage and the dressing rooms. The costume team, run by three women, are witches. They call themselves that to combat the diva cast members who call them bitches behind their backs. Nothing like saying ‘we hear you people, say what you like, we don’t care one bit’. Power to you girls.
You wouldn’t cross them during a show though. Beautiful women, but they’re strict and with good reason. The costumes are freaking amazing and they make sure we take the stage every night looking perfect. Some of our changes, side-stage, are lightning fast, which never fazes them. They are true professionals, but they also tend to be the stage moms to most of the cast when we need them. They are part of our home away from home.
I make it one step into the foyer before I’m grabbed by my mom. She’s still crying…a lot. Even Dad has tears and that’s just too much for me. We end up in a group hug that lasts for quite a while before Nat ends up pulling me out to get her turn. Xavier’s quiet, but he hugs me tight and whispers in my ear how proud he is. I think he’s overwhelmed with emotion and for a funny, never-serious guy, that’s saying something.
It feels like we have taken a million photos. I even have a couple taken with a few people who asked. It feels strange to be so popular. One little girl stands quietly to the side in awe of me. She makes my heart drop and reminds me so much of Sophia. I step away from the crowd and crouch down. I talk to her quietly while her mom looked on in tears. I learn she dreams to be a ballerina one day. We take photos and I sign her program.
‘Never stop dreaming. Strive higher every day to reach it.’
This was the highlight of my night. If I inspire one little girl to be who she wants to be in life, I will be on top of the world.
I return back to my family. “Okay, I have to get backstage to get changed. I will meet you down the street at the restaurant I gave you the name of. I have a table booked for us. Start without me but make sure there is one very big glass of champagne ready for me when I get there.”
They all chuckle, and I duck back through the side stage door with the usher.
“Wow, that’s crazy out there,” I mumble as I enter the dressing room and the girls next to me just laugh. They know exactly what I mean.
The dressing room is empty by the time I’m showered and grab my bag. Heading out, I turn to take one last look at my flowers. He may not have been here, but I can feel him with me. Stronger than I have in a very long time.
I don’t know what that even means but I will think on it tonight and tomorrow work out what I should do about these feelings that I just can’t turn off anymore.
“Goodnight, Ricky,” I wave to the security guy on the backstage door. It’s time to get out of here and meet the people I love.
Stepping into the darkened alley and turning towards the street. A feeling of electricity runs up my neck. A feeling I know.
“You’re mine, Zara. I’m not waiting any longer.”
I drop my bag, turn and run. I don’t need to even check on who it is. I know. I felt him before he even spoke. Then there is that voice. The one that has haunted my dreams for months.
I launch myself into his arms. He’s ready for me and grabs me tight.
I’m buried in his chest, hearing his heart beat fast, just like mine.
I’m home.
32
Grant
I hear her voice before I see her.
That sweet yet confident woman who is my world.
I stand in the shadows leaning against the wall. My heart thumps in anticipation.
When I was on the flight here, I worried what her reaction would be. If she would even be happy to see me. I didn’t care because I needed to find out for myself. I went over in my head what my first words would be. Trying to make sure the moment is just right. I want her to know how I feel.
The photo tonight took away every shadow of doubt I had. There is no way in hell she would send me that picture of heaven and not want to see me. There would be lots to talk through, but I know I’m not turning back.
Zara is mine and I’m here to make sure she knows it.
The words I rehearsed are nothing like what comes out of my mouth. That’s just raw emotion.
Feeling her in my arms is sweeter than I remember. We don’t say a word, we just breathe each other in. Molding back together as one.
I reach down and cup her cheeks, lifting her eyes to meet mine. I just take her all in. I have her here in person, in my hands, and there’s no way I am letting her go.
“You were amazing up on that stage. It’s where you belong.”
She looks shocked.
“You…you saw the show?”
“I would never have missed it, Zara. Even if Emily seemed to remind me every day for two weeks,” I chuckle which brings a smile through her tears. “I’ve had my ticket since the day they went on sale.”
“Of course, you have. You’re always planning ahead,” she giggles. It’s the sweetest sound that does bad things to my body.
“It took me a day, but I read your letter you left me. You told me to move on, not to wait around for you.”
She tries to speak but I put my finger on her lips to silence her.
“You underestimate my stubbornness, Zara. I could never do that.” Pausing, I look deep into her eyes. “You told me you love me.” I kiss her forehead. “You wrote to me not to wait for you and then stood outside my door in tears, whispering a plea for me to wait.”
She gasps, knowing I was never meant to hear her.
“I was never going away, baby. I will wait until the end of the earth for you. To be with you and to hear those words come from your lips. The ones you wrote.”
She goes to speak but again I silence her. “No, not now, not here in this alley. At the right time, when they mean the most. Because, fuck me, woman, that picture today has me wanting to take you hard against that brick wall right here. To punish you for the pain I’ve been in all night in these pants. I don’t know what your plans are tonight, but I know one thing for sure. I will be punishing you and I will be fucking you hard.” She melts into me and lets out a groan of anticipation.
“But first…” I smash my mouth over hers. I want it to be gentle and sweet but there’s too much heat between us. I can’t hold back, and neither can she. We’ve been holding back for months and the torture is unfolding in this one kiss.
Eventually, we start to slow and breathe as we rest our foreheads on each other.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispers.
“Believe it. I’m not leaving. We need to talk. No matter what you say, though, I am still not leaving.”
“I have so much I need to say, Grant, but my parents, Nat and Xavier are waiting for me.” She looks down.
“Hey.”
I grab her chin. “We have all night. Let’s celebrate your amazing achievement and then we can spend tonight talking about how one day, I will marry you and you will be the mother of my children. How does that sound?”
“Grant, you haven’t lost your cockiness, I see.” She smiles up at me. “Thank God. Not sure I can live with you, without it.”
I tuck her under my arm and we start to walk towards the bright lights of Broadway.
“How am I going to explain this to my parents and friends.” She rolls her eyes at me as we wander into the restaurant.
“Easy, you’ll say, ‘Hi everyone, this is Grant my boyfriend and the man I will marry one day’. Simple as that.” She smacks my arm but looks up at me with such love in her eyes I know we will work through this. Somehow it will be okay.
Zara
After picking up my mom and dad’s mouths off the table while Xavier and Nat laughed, we sit down. It’s the best night of celebrating with everyone getting to know each other. My dad and Grant get on well, both the strong, silent type. They say you end up marrying a man like your dad. I love my dad and he is the perfect man, so that suits me. However, I do not want to think about Grant being similar to my dad behind closed doors. That’s not a vision any child needs of their parents. I’m already scarred after the talk with Sophia and Mitch.
We’re not here long when Mom leans over to tell me she loves him and comments on how hot he is. Being told by your mom that she fancies your man is a little weird, but I can’t disagree with her.
Natalie, God love her, knows how desperately we need to get home so we can be alone. So, she makes the move to wind up dinner with the excuse they have an early flight out and they could share a cab back to the hotel with my parents if they like.
I hug her so hard and thank her in our quiet little whispers as we part ways, with a promise of a phone call tomorrow with all the details. That I can definitely do. There’s no way a text message thread would do here.
