by Karen Deen
On the flight home I can’t help but shake the uneasy feeling of leaving her with Lewis. He never made it to the few times we met up with her friends. Part of me hopes he got the message loud and clear at that first meeting but the other part of me just feels he is biding his time to have her alone again without the worry of me around.
I never ask Zara about when she thinks she might come home. It is not fair to put that pressure on her. She will know when the time is right, but I hope it’s soon. This long-distance thing is getting harder, not easier.
36
Zara
Grant leaving this time is hard. Harder than the last few because he was here for so long. I’d got used to him always being in my apartment and seeing his handsome face and hot body leaning against the wall outside the stage door after every show. I want that all the time.
Lying in bed, I know my days here are starting to wind down. I think I want to go home and start my life with Grant. It’s time to start planning how that can happen. I’m not sharing any information just yet until I’m certain that it’s what I want. I just know deep in my heart that more of me wants to be back home with Grant and teaching rather than here dancing. That’s a good indication it’s time to retire.
My friends know I’m really struggling. They keep an eye on me and make sure I know they’re here if I need them.
Lewis is always right here, never leaving my side even when we go for coffee. He will make sure he’s sitting next to me, checking on me and pulling me in for a one-arm shoulder hug. One day when it was all getting a little too much I was forced to give him my best ‘back off’ look. He replied that it’s what good partners do, they look after each other. I just feel he’s starting to touch me more often and I’m not sure it’s always as it should be. I shake it off that I’m being over-sensitive with missing Grant. Still, he’s starting to make me a little uncomfortable.
It’s not until the day he posts on Facebook and tags me in the pictures that it all comes crashing down around me.
I got in late the night before and we all went out for a few drinks after the show. We have today off which is the first day in a month since Grant has been here. He has been back once only for an overnight trip. We’ve struggled to see each other any other weekends as work has been crazy for him with the new project.
Missing him like crazy, I put the wheels in motion to quietly wrap up my spot in the company at the end of the season. I’m tired, and I know it’s time. I’m not getting any younger and my body is starting to tell me that every day. I ask the company directors to keep my retirement to themselves as I don’t want to say anything until my final show. I’m not one for a big fuss to be made. Plus, I want to make sure I tell Grant and my family before anybody else knows.
All I want to do is sleep, but my cell keeps chiming with message alerts. I try to ignore it but then it starts ringing. Whatever this is, better be important.
“Hello,” I mumble with my eyes still closed.
“Tell him to keep his hands off you. He doesn’t get to touch you like that.” With that, I’m wide awake and sitting upright in bed.
“Grant?”
“Well who else would it be?” I know he’s angry and probably the angriest I’ve heard for a long while.
“Sorry, I was asleep. What did you say?”
“Tell that fucking little dance boy to keep his hands off my girlfriend or I will come down there and make sure he understands. You are mine and he doesn’t get to touch what’s mine.”
Now I’m fully awake and pissed off. I might love the feeling of being Grant’s, but nobody owns me. Ever.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I scream down the phone. “Lewis is gay! I can’t believe you even said that.”
“Bi,” he says with a low grumble.
“Are you for real, Grant? He. Is. Fucking. Gay. End of story.”
“He may say that, and you may think that. But no man looks at a woman like he’s looking at you in those photos if he doesn’t want to fuck her brains out. The way he’s touching you in that photo makes me want to kill him.”
“Oh my God, Grant! Stop this, just stop it. You are crazy for even thinking this.”
“You tell me that in the photo on Facebook this morning he isn’t looking at you like he wants you? His hand is so close to your tit it may as well be on it and his body language is telling the world you are his. Well, I’ve got fucking news for him. You are mine and he can’t have you. Not now, not ever!” I hear his fast breathing down the phone like he’s about to explode.
Shit. What picture have you posted, Lewis? I scramble to find my iPad and pull up Facebook while I’m on the phone. Holy shit. That photo looks bad. No wonder Grant is blowing a gasket.
“Stop yelling at me, Grant. No matter what it looks like or what you think you see, I don’t care. He is just my dance partner and nothing more. I. Am. Your. Girlfriend. Understand?”
“Exactly and it is not me who you need to convince. Tell him to keep his hands off my property.”
“That’s enough. I am not anybody’s property, Grant. Not ever. If that’s what you think then you can fuck off, too. Nobody owns me. I have the right to do whatever I want, and you don’t get to tell me what to do.”
“Don’t talk shit, Zara. You are my girlfriend and you know what that means. You are mine. End of story.” He gets more worked up and every word out of his mouth is pissing me off more. How dare he think he can tell me what to do. I am no one’s puppet. I decided that years ago.
“Fuck off, Grant. I am not talking to you about this anymore. You need to have a good hard think about what you have just said. Goodbye!”
Furious, I throw my cell on the bed. Grant had never made me feel owned or like I had no control over my life…until just now.
My cell rings constantly. I continue ignoring it. Curling up under my blankets, the tears start to fall.
It always happens. Nothing good ever lasts for me. Just when I thought life was going to be perfect, something always starts to break.
Eventually, the ringing stops and then the messages start. One after the another, they stream in. I can’t stand it anymore. I fire off one message without even reading his, then I turn my phone off.
Today I’m going to take a break from the world. I know Grant will be going out of his mind, but he can suck it up. He has pissed me off. Sometimes he just needs to back off. When I’ve calmed down, I will send him a message that I am all right and will talk to him tomorrow. No conversation today is going to end well, for either of us.
Grant
“Zara, if you don’t pick up your phone, I am going to really lose my shit. Call me, NOW!”
Never have I been so angry with her.
How dare she hang up on me. I have every right to be pissed off about Lewis. She’s being blind and stupid if she can’t see what’s going on. More and more over the last month his name had been in our conversations. His face seems to be always next to hers in every photo. I’m not stupid. He’s moving his way into her life and before long, she’ll be pushing me out.
He’s there all the time and I can’t be.
That pisses me off.
He gets to touch her every day.
That pisses me off even more.
No matter how much I try, no amount of phone calls and skype sessions can replace being physically there.
I know Zara loves me and I trust her like I have never trusted another soul. It’s him I don’t trust.
We have argued before. Actually, every single time I see her or talk to her. That’s what we do. I push, she pushes back and that’s the way we are. From the very first day, that’s one of the things I loved about her. That smart mouth and the confidence to take me on.
I’ve found an effective method to stop her mouth from getting too sassy. One that we both enjoy. Sometimes I think she pushes me, so we get to that point where I’m pushing my dick through her soft lips. She can be one very naughty little lady.
Today though, not e
ven those images soothe me.
Pacing my office, I feel my body tense.
“God damn you, Zara, answer your phone or I will punish you so hard. Don’t do this. Don’t run again.” I start to feel panicked. I can’t deal with her running.
“Well, that sounds like an interesting message.”
I spin around to see my dad standing in my office, arms crossed and oozing the powerful man he is.
“Sorry, Dad. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Obviously. You were too busy leaving a message that I am not sure I liked the sound of.”
My frustration has me running my hands through my hair. I’m at a loss on what to do. This has been building for a while and I’m just not sure how to handle it.
“Anything you want to chat about, Son?”
“I don’t even know where to begin, Dad. You know I don’t talk about this type of stuff, but I think I have screwed this up majorly this time.”
I sink into the couch and drop my head into my hands.
Her last message a moment ago, feels like a knife stabbing my heart.
Zara: I’M DONE GRANT. LEAVE ME ALONE. THIS IS WHY I AM BETTER ON MY OWN. SO MUCH FOR TRUST.
How the hell did a Facebook post escalate so quickly to her walking away from me? This kind of argument should never happen over the phone. I know how stubborn she is and once she makes up her mind that could be the end of it.
“I know you aren’t a talker, Grant, so give me the Grant Stevenson abbreviated version of what happened.”
“Dad, I finally pushed her too far. What the hell have I done?”
He sits down beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders. It feels good. Like when I was younger. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Dad always seemed to step in and take some of that away. He always knows. Probably because I am so much like him.
“Start at the beginning and let’s see if we can fix this.”
I didn’t realize how good it feels to actually have someone to talk to. Dad doesn’t say much, he just lets me talk and get it out. Then he sits for a moment in silence, like he’s carefully planning his response.
“I would have punched the fucker that first time I saw him. Proud of you for stopping.”
Now that’s not what I expected at all. I can’t help but chuckle even though I’m so worked up.
“So how do I fix this?”
“By showing her the difference between ownership and love and devotion. There have been times I’ve screwed up over something similar.
“I know your mom told Zara the story of her leaving me to perform. Did she ever tell you?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“Well I was like you. It killed me being away from her. I actually don’t know how you have survived this long. I felt like I wanted to kill every man who went near her. My problem was that it didn’t change when she came home. It took me a long time to work out why I felt so possessive of her. I loved her with everything I had, just sometimes that was too much. I started to smother her. She is like your Zara. Independent and speaks her mind. She also needs to feel she can be herself and choose her direction in life. It was never about trust. I trusted her with how much she loved me and was faithful to me. I never doubted her for one minute. I learned it was actually on me. I never understood why she picked me. I never felt I was good enough for her. Here I had this amazing, beautiful woman who could do just about anything and she had chosen me. I didn’t feel worthy of her. I had all these people looking up to me and your mother had me on a pedestal, yet I didn’t feel I deserved it.
“It took your mother threatening to walk away for me to understand it didn’t matter what I thought. It just mattered what she thought. If she had chosen me then I was good enough for her. No matter what, her love was all I needed. Most importantly, she didn’t want to give it to anyone else but me.
“Didn’t stop my protective nature from never wanting her hurt. I learned to stop trying to cut off every guys hand. Along with the gentle and not so gentle persuasion sometimes from your mother telling me to calm down. I found another way to take out the frustration, if you know what I mean?”
Fuck, now that’s a visual I don’t need.
“Yeah Dad, tried that already.”
He laughs. “Well, try harder.” This has us both laughing.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“Fix this once and for all.”
“Hope that doesn’t mean I will be visiting you in jail.”
“God, no. How the hell would I cope not being able to see Zara? I am barely coping now.”
“Well then, I suggest you get moving. You know flowers won’t cut it, right?”
“Yeah, Dad. I got this from here.”
He stands and heads for the door.
“Thanks, Dad. By the way, what did you call in for?”
“No reason. I just had a feeling you needed me. Don’t tell your mother what I told you.”
He disappears, and I’m left standing there with the upmost respect for my hero. My dad is pretty special. One day, I hope I have a child who will look at me just the same.
37
Zara
I spend most of the morning crying and sleeping. I’m already physically exhausted, but the mental exhaustion has done me in.
I know I need to turn my cell on. I’ve totally overreacted this morning. Grant caught me off guard and he has a habit of pushing my buttons pretty easily.
With a cup of green tea, I climb back into bed to face the music. No matter what, it won’t be pretty.
Opening the messages, they just kept streaming up the screen. Reading through them, I can tell he’s getting more fired up. But then they stop. The last one is a reply to my message. One word, that’s it. Shit, what have I done?
Grant: NEVER!
There’s s no point listening to the voice messages. They will just be yelling and probably more swearing as they go on. I hold my breath and hit the call button.
It goes straight to message bank. I wait a bit and try again. Same thing. My stomach drops. I think I poked the bear too hard this time.
“Grant, it’s me. Call me,” I stumble over my words. I start to feel anxious. Hopefully, he’s in a meeting and will call me back soon. Time gets away from me and it’s been five hours since my message.
I send a few messages and get no replies. Now I’m worried. I’ve blown it. Just like the last relationships, I wasn’t worth the hassle for a man. I need to explain. I need him to know how much I love him. I need to prove I’m worth keeping, despite the problems.
I grab my gym bag and throw a change of clothes and toiletries in it as fast as I can. I don’t know what I am doing but I am not letting him walk away again because I pushed him into it.
“For Christ sake, where’s my wallet? There’s one damn room, Zara, and you can’t find it. You’re a mess.”
The gentle knock on the door breaks me from my rant. I look a mess. I’ve been crying for the last twenty minutes but whoever it is, they aren’t going away.
Wiping my eyes, I try to smooth my hair and slowly open the door.
I freeze. I can’t move, speak or even breathe.
“Don’t run, Zara. Please don’t run. I love you and I’m sorry for being such an asshole.”
I fall into his arms, sobbing.
“I thought I’d lost you. I thought you were giving up because I’m not worth the drama. I wasn’t running away from you, I promise. I was just trying to breathe.”
“Well, what’s the bag on your bed?”
“I was running to you. I can’t stay away. I need you to know how much I love you and need you. Please don’t throw me away like the others. Please.”
I know I’m not making sense.
“Zara.” Grant lifts my chin and pushes me back into my apartment and closes the door. “Look at me, baby. I will never throw you away. Just the opposite. I ran to you to stop you from throwing me away for being such an idiot. I know my love sometimes is a lot to handle bu
t I can’t stop how strongly I want you. When I gave you my heart and soul, it was for keeps. I can’t let you go, not now, not ever.”
He hugs me tighter to make sure I know how much he means it.
“I do trust you and have never doubted you. I just need to get better at expressing it.”
“You think?” I giggle a little.
“And there she is. The reason my whole world spins and my dick is hard twenty-four hours a day.”
“What?” I try to act innocent, but it’s never going to work.
Placing his hand on my cheek, he takes a deep breath.
“I thought I’d lost you beautiful. All because of some bi-sexual…”
“Gay.”
“Arguable. Anyway, all because some bi-sexual fucker who’s taken with your beauty. My heart hurts so bad. It’s aching for you.”
We both just stand for a moment.
“Never. I am yours for as long as you want me.”
“Forever. Be mine for eternity, Zara.”
Before my eyes, Grant drops to one knee and pulls a box from his pocket.
“This is not quite how I planned it, but it’s time.
“Zara, I love you with all that I am and all that you make me. I will always love you and cherish you for all my days. You will never doubt how I feel and at times you may need to tell me to calm those feelings down. But I promise, you will always be enough, no matter what happens in our lives. Be mine and I am yours. Marry me and challenge me for the rest of our lives.”
Tears stream down my face but they’re happy ones. “Yes, yes, yes,” I whisper. “I will always be yours, Grant. I’m made for you. No one else ever fits.”
I sit on his knee and he seals his commitment with a kiss. It starts soft but then our usual passion takes over.
“Wait!” I pull away.
“Shit, what? You can’t change your mind!” he growls.
“No, but if you don’t put a ring on it, maybe I will.” I smile.
“Done.” He slides a stunning solitaire diamond ring on my finger.
