If that doesn’t work, it’d be good to start saving now. (Hey, McDonald’s is always hiring....)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need to buy a wedding ring.
Solution: Buy something you can afford.
* * *
Who pays?
Back in the olden days it was kind of a tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding. This was probably because they had a lot less makeup in the olden days, hence the bride’s parents had to do something to encourage some poor sap to marry their daughter. Plus, life expectancy was shorter, so people got married younger, often before they had a chance to save much money.
Today things are different. For one thing, weddings cost more and more (and more), so unless your bride comes from money—(see forthcoming, Man’s Guide to Easy Street)—it would be unreasonable to expect her family to fund the wedding. These days it makes sense for both families to share the expenses—or for the bride and groom to fund the wedding themselves. Sure, it is more costly to you in the short run, but you gain more control. It’s a trade-off.
And to help make the trade-off easier, there’s a handy chart below. (Charts are cool because you can read them without really paying a lot of attention.) As you look over the options, know that it is probably a good idea to decide who is paying for what well before the bills come rolling in. (It also might not be a bad idea to buy a lottery ticket or two because as they say, you never know….)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Deciding who is paying for your wedding.
OPTIMAL Solution: Hope your bride has rich parents.
* * *
Legal stuff
Because we live in a modern society, it means to do pretty much anything you are going to have to fill out (and pay for) paperwork. This process creates official documentation and allows the city or state in which you live to make a few fast bucks off of you.
Marriage is no exception because every state (yes, even Arkansas) is going to make you buy and fill out a marriage certificate; there’s no way around this.
The costs vary from state to state but since even the most expensive states charge less than a hundred bucks, it shouldn’t be a big deal. (If it is, you either shouldn’t be getting married or you should be looking for somebody a lot richer to marry.)
Some states will require that both you and your fiancée take blood tests. No, this isn’t to make sure neither of you is an alien. It’s to see if either of you might have a sexuality transmitted disease, which, when you think about it, is a good thing. So, if you live in a state that requires such a test, it’s no big deal. You’re a man. You should be able to take a little prick. (And, if you can’t take a little prick, then you seriously need to consider if you are hardy enough for marriage to begin with.)
Others may also require "waiting periods" of a couple of days from when the license is filed to when you can actually marry. This is designed to give your fiancée some time to come to her senses. (Apparently some states consider marriage as dangerous as guns. Texas, however, actually considers guns to be safer than marriage.)
To find out what the requirements are in your state, do a Web search—or better yet, pay a visit to your city hall or county clerk’s office and ask them what the requirements are. After all, since your hard-earned tax dollars are paying these people’s salaries, you might as well put them to work a bit.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need to complete the legal stuff before you get married.
Solution: Buck it up, go to the county clerk, and fill out the paper work.
* * *
Should you elope?
At some point in the wedding process things are going to become such a pain that you and your bride will suddenly look at each other and say, "Should we elope?" Well, the answer is easy: Yes, you should elope. Why? Well, for one, it will save you a lot of headaches. And then afterwards, once you are married, you can have a big party.
Still, you probably won’t elope because:
• Your bride has always wanted a proper wedding.
• You don’t want to upset your parents.
• You look fabulous in a tux.
However, on the off chance you might actually consider it, there are a few things you may want to think about first:
THE PROS OF ELOPING
• It’s faster. You don’t even have to set a date.
• It’s cheaper. You don’t have to pay for a bunch of third-cousins-once-removed to come to your wedding.
• It’s a lot less hassle. You don’t have to worry about forgetting to invite your rich-but-crazy uncle because you won’t be inviting anybody else either.
THE CONS OF ELOPING
• You will piss off your mother and your fiancée’s mother. (Though some of you may think of this as a pro. Actually, if your fiancée’s family is paying, chances are her dad won’t be too upset with you.)
• You’ll lose out on a boatload of presents.
• All in all, the final decision will be up to your fiancée and you.
.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Should you two elope?
Solution: Of course you should, but you probably won’t....
* * *
2 Your Team & Fans
Invitations
You’re a guy. If it was up to you, you’d simply pick up the phone and call all your friends and say, "I’m getting married, why don’t you come? There’ll be beer! Bring more."
Your future wife, of course, isn’t going to go for this. It’s funny— most of time you’ll find your wife will be much more practical than you. She’ll point out things like how you don’t really need a 55-inch, HD Plasma TV while you’re still sitting on the floor because you don’t have enough money for a couch—but when it comes to invitations, something you could do just as easily with a mass text or a strategically placed Facebook post, she won’t hear of it. She’ll say it’s not proper and "Sure, we can afford the gold-plated cards with raised platinum print!" And no matter what you say, she will insist you need to send formal invitations.
At first you’ll think, "How bad can it be?" After all, how many ways can you say, "Come to our wedding?" Oh, won’t you be surprised. One day your future wife will bring you at least one book that is thicker than any two huge dictionaries you’ve ever seen (and we’re talking unabridged). This book will be filled with hundreds, if not thousands, of possible invitations. They all say basically the same things, "Come to our wedding," "This is the date," "This is the place," but they say it in many, many, many different fonts, styles, faces, colors, and a bunch of other things you don’t really care that much about.
Of course you’ll also be surprised how much your fiancée cares about them. You’ll find she not only wants you to "help" pick out the invitations themselves, but the envelopes and response cards and response card envelopes as well. All in all, this can be far more complicated than putting together a carburetor with only one good hand, and not nearly as fun.
Your strategy here is to look through the cards and related items and do your best to pretend to care. It helps to use phrases such as:
• "This one’s nice!"
• "You have much better taste than I do!"
• "Hmm, yes, I see what you mean."
• "Yes, the blue in that flower matches your eyes."
• "Wow, this is much more fun than watching the game."
When you will be thinking things like:
• "I can’t believe I’m doing this!"
• "I can’t believe these things cost that much! What are they lined with, melted down Stanley Cup trophies?"
• "Where is the mother-in-law when I need her?"
• "Is the game on yet?"
The bottom line is, while your fiancée says she wants your feedback and input, what she really wants is for you to agree with
her.
The rock bottom line is they are freaking cards, silly pieces of paper, and you don’t give a horse’s hoot about them. Your most important concern is to try to steer your bride-to-be away from invitations that cost more than your first car did.
Of course, if she really wants to go with the expensive ones, your only hope could be to pretend to like them so much, she’ll become convinced there must be something wrong with them.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Picking out wedding invitations.
Solution: Pretend to care, close your eyes, and pick one.
* * *
Who to invite
You may think this will be easy. After all, how many really good friends do you have? Not a lot probably. So, in essence, all you really need to do is to make a list of your friends, and your wife’s friends, and combine them. Then you’ll need to talk for a bit to decide who to invite, and who not to invite. Then you will just need to send invites to all the people on this list. Easy, right?
In theory. However, what is often easy in theory usually isn’t in execution, and sending invites to your get-together often becomes a complicated exercise in dynamic human relations, where you will soon learn things like:
• "Uncle Charlie won’t come if Aunt Clare is there."
• "Uncle Charlie won’t come unless Uncle Bob is there."
• "Uncle Charlie won’t come if there’s not an open bar."
• "Last wedding, Uncle Charlie and Aunt Mary had a knock-down, drag-out fight. Neither will come if the other is there."
• "My mom says we have to invite Betsy and Louie, our third-cousins-once-removed, because even though we don’t know what third-cousins-once-removed actually are, their parents invited us to their fortieth anniversary party."
And take note, the phrase "My mom says" is something you will likely be hearing a lot. Making out the invitations will probably be the first time you realize you’ll soon have a mother-in-law. A few seconds later you will learn that most mothers-in-law feel it is their God-given right to make your life harder. (After all, their daughter drove them crazy from the time they turned ten to however old they are now. So, now they are going to get revenge by taking it out on you—starting with the guest list you thought would be easy to compile.)
Mothers-in-law probably don’t mean to do this, because contrary to most fairy tales (and old husband’s tales), not all of them are pure evil. So, where does this bad rap come from? A subconscious, passive-aggressive need to take revenge out on somebody probably, but they can’t take it out on their daughter—after all, she will be the one to bear the grandkids—so they will instead vent on you.
But, don’t just think it’s only going to be coming from your fiancée’s side because your mom is also going to have an opinion. And when it comes to who gets an invite, your future wife will probably rank your mom’s opinion slightly ahead of yours, figuring your mom is a woman so she knows more than you do about this type of stuff. However, your future wife will also figure your mom is not genetically related to her, so she doesn’t know all that much. (If your future wife and mom are related, then you’re going to have problems that go way beyond the scope of this book—also see forthcoming, The Redneck’s Guide to Weddings, for more help.)
And while they may say the best defense is a good offense, in this situation the best offense is most likely a good defense. Simply say, "Yes, I agree," a lot. If you are agreeing with your fiancée, it might also help to add a "dear" to that sentence.
Also, when it comes to the guest list, you’re not going to remember most of the people who are there anyhow. If the truth be told, probably less than three percent of men who have been married more than five years can identify more than two percent of the people in their wedding photos. So, don’t sweat it. Smile and play nice.
Plus, the nice thing about agreeing most of the time is that it gives you a little leeway for putting the kibosh on somebody you find really egregious or annoying (i.e.: your old gym teacher, your great aunt with the handlebar mustache who loves explosives, or perhaps even one of your bride’s girlfriends who also happens to be your ex-girlfriend).
So, when you do say, "Let’s think about skipping them to save money," your wife will be more likely to agree, since you’ve agreed with ninety-nine percent of her other decisions. She has to give you something. If you have to, you can even remind her of how "Marriage is about give and take…." (Women love those types of things.)
Overall, as long you make sure to invite your two or three best buddies, you’ll be fine, since this will give you somebody to hang out with while your wife is greeting the hordes of people she and her mom (and maybe your mom) invited who you don’t know to begin with.
Note: Don’t say, "Yes, dear," to your mother-in-law or mother. It is just plain wrong and just plain creepy.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Deciding who to invite to your wedding.
Solution: Invite your best buds then let your bride, her mom, and your mom invite whoever.
* * *
Picking the wedding party
Your wedding party will consist of two to (way) more than two people. You will have a best man and your wife will have a maid or matron of honor. (The maid or matron of honor are really the exact same thing except for one thing: One of them is married. Although, if you really want to know, it’s the matron that’s already hitched.)
The wedding party is important because these are the people who will take part in the wedding with you. The best man and maid/matron of honor have the responsibility of being official witnesses to your wedding. Without them, your marriage wouldn’t be legal, and the last thing you want is to have an illegal wedding.
The remaining members of the wedding party are somewhat like figureheads; kind of like the Queen of England—as in, they get all dressed up, but wield no real power.
Your other groomsmen have the job of walking people down the aisle and leading them to their seats. This really isn’t that challenging of a job. In fact, trained chimps could probably do it just as well as your buds, if not better. Heck, your wedding would proceed just fine without them considering the majority of your guests are probably quite able to find a seat and sit on their butts without assistance.
The bridesmaids have even less to do. Their job is basically to stand around and try to look pretty in ridiculous looking dresses. (The theory is bridesmaids’ dresses are designed to be ridiculous looking in order to help make the bride herself look even better.)
You, though—being a guy—probably don’t have a lot of close friends, so it makes it easier to pick who you want to have in your wedding party because you already know who your good buddies are. They are the ones who stood by you through thick and thin. The ones who made you drink until you barfed. The ones who don’t correct you when you add a few points to your bowling average, or look the other way when you use your "foot wedge" every once in a while on the golf course. Those are the ones you want in your wedding.
However, chances are good your fiancée will want to have more bridesmaids than you have groomsmen. So, naturally, she will agonize over who to pick. Keep in mind, Supreme Court justices have been selected with less effort than your fiancée will put into to picking her bridesmaids, as she frets over who to choose, based on such weird factors as:
• I was in her wedding.
• We were sorority sisters.
• Her parents and my parents are best friends.
• She’s one of my ten or twenty closest friends.
• We talked once in high school.
• We talked once in college.
• It would mean a lot to her.
• She introduced me to you.
• I owe her money.
• She owes me money.
• She gave me a kidney.
• She’s my friend on Facebook.
• I stole you from her.
At this point, you�
��re probably thinking, "So, how does this affect me? I already have my groomsmen!" Well, the thing is, traditionally, you will be expected to have just as many groomsmen as your bride has bridesmaids—which leaves you with two strategies:
• Convince your fiancée traditions suck and it’s cool to have an unbalanced wedding party.
• Pick a bunch of other guys you’re not close to (or, for that matter, ones you just grabbed off the street, bar, or playing field) and roll with it.
There is one decision you may actually think about a bit about, which is who to pick for your best man. But, you really shouldn’t sweat it. Most straight guys don’t mind one way or another if they are in a wedding or not. Sure, it’s an honor, but it’s not like they just won the Heisman trophy or anything. As long as they get to go, drink beer, bust your chops, and hit on cute chicks, your friends will be happy. In fact, most guys would probably prefer not to be in the wedding party (unless your wife has a few hot bridesmaids). So, when it comes down to it, you may just end up picking your best man by simply deciding which of your friends (or relatives) would be the least pissed if you did (or didn’t) pick them.
Note: Fun—but slightly evil—idea: To have a little fun with your unmarried groomsmen, convince your wife to have one, and only one, really hot-looking, unattached bridesmaid. You’ll get to experience the joy of watching your friends fight over this woman’s attention (and other things) throughout your blessed day.
The Man's Guide to Weddings Page 2
