It was Blake’s turn to shrug. “Just saying. I’ve got a whole lot of stalls that need rebuilding that I planned to put your name beside, but maybe you and the uncles want to go on an extended fishing trip instead.”
His father shook his head. “Other than getting things in place legally, just in case, for the rest of it, you treat me the same as you’ve been. I like working, and I love working beside my boys. Nothing in the world gives me more joy than being with my family. As good as it is to sit still every now and then, it wouldn’t feel right to be lazing about.”
Blake nodded. “Okay, okay.”
A soft chuckle escaped his dad. “I’m not looking to stop, but I’m preparing you. Ask questions, think forward. I want you to be ready and feel you have this under control and not have to scramble in the future.”
“I can do that,” Blake assured him. “But you make sure you tell me if you want things to change.”
“Use your judgment. Chances are, at some point, you’ll have to give me made-up chores like I used to give you when you were a little tyke, tagging along at my heels and wanting so hard to help.” Mike sat quietly for a while then dipped his chin. “But we’ll deal with that day when it comes.”
Blake’s head was whirling. “I love you, Dad.”
Mike paused for a second in the middle of rising to his feet then caught Blake up in a huge hug and squeezed him tight, pounding him on the back. “I love you too.” He took a step back. “Almost forgot. There’s one more thing I’m going to turn over to you.”
He pushed over the hardcover book that had been on the table. It was neatly labelled SP Ranch Journal with the current year.
Blake’s fingers jerked to a stop unbidden. “That’s your diary.”
“Hush. Men don’t have diaries,” his father said dryly. “Or so your grandpa informed me when I caught him writing in his.”
They grinned as they met each other’s eyes. But Blake had to take a deep breath before he continued. “Why are you giving it to me?”
His dad looked thoughtful for a moment. “Okay, maybe I’m not giving it to you. I’m going to keep journaling myself, but this is a tradition that’s been in our family for a long time. It’s not just the records of what crops or how many animals or that sort of thing. I wasn’t even quite sure what the hell it was for when I started, but it’s been useful. Making notes about what I see, what I feel. What I hope for, or what’s been disappointing and needs to change.”
Blake considered. “Not something I’ve ever given much thought to—keeping a journal.”
“And maybe it won’t be something for you, but I’d appreciate if you gave it a shot.” Mike coughed as he scooped the book off the table and pressed it into Blake’s hands. “I bet you Marion’s looking for us. Probably got the teapot going and ready to catch us up on everything amazing your kids have done since we left.”
Blake was still reeling a little when he and Jaxi got home. After all the kids had been tucked into bed, he sat in his big easy chair and pulled Jaxi into his lap.
She held the journal, tracing a finger around the label. “That’s a pretty big change for Mike to make.”
“He’s seventy,” Blake reminded her. “Seventy-one this year.”
She nodded. “He just always seems so invincible. Both your parents.” Her nose wrinkled for a moment. “My mom and dad have been out of the picture for so long, I don’t have any connection with them. Marion and Mike are mine as much as they’re yours.”
Blake had never understood Jaxi’s folks. They’d moved away from Rocky shortly after he and Jaxi got married. They’d paid a couple of visits and sent a few congratulation cards when the babies had arrived, but there’d been no real connection.
He wrapped his arms around her. “Ma and Dad are your parents in all the ways that count. We’ll just keep doing what we’re doing. Loving them and appreciating them and being there for them, whatever that means.”
Jaxi put the journal on the side table, wrapped her arms around his neck, and squeezed tight. Holding on to him as if she could somehow soak up the sadness inside and take it away.
“Blake?”
“Darlin’?”
She sighed. “I love you.”
Nice try. Blake slid his fingers into her hair and tightened so he could pull her back far enough to meet her gaze. “What are you not telling me? Because the difference between that Blake and your I love you were about hundred and eighty degrees in tone.”
Her brow furrowed. “It’s bad timing.”
“It’s bad timing for you to have something you want to talk about and then not talk to me.” Blake gave her a warning look. “Let’s try again. Darlin’?”
She closed her eyes and spoke softly in a huge rush of words. “I know I kinda said before that I was done with having babies, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot, ever since the fall, and I would really like to see if we could have one more.”
Okay. That was a change of topic. Blake focused in on the main point. “You want to have another baby?”
“I don’t think I’m good to try for the six boys you always poked me about, but—” She nodded. “You want some time to think about it?”
“Yep. I need some time.”
She was in the middle of nodding when he jerked to his feet, still cradling her in his arms. Jaxi’s arms tightened around his neck as he stepped quietly down the hallway to their bedroom. He laid her on the mattress then followed an instant later, her body soft and welcoming under his.
“There. I thought about it. I would love to bring another beautiful baby into this world to fill our home with even more joy.”
Her eyes danced with happiness. “Oh, good answer.”
This part never got old. The chance to unwrap her, one piece of clothing at a time. From the very first occasion until now, he loved the privilege of it. The way she shared so enthusiastically, arching against his hands as he pulled away the fabric and bared her skin to his lips. His tongue. His gaze.
He pressed a kiss directly over her heart. “I love every inch of you.”
“You do love every inch—oh, yes. There.” Jaxi breathed in deep before letting the air out in a low, lingering moan. He teased his tongue around her nipple and sucked again.
It took a long time to move from her breasts to her belly. To ease between her thighs and find the sweet heat of her sex already wet for him. Every taste, every nip, every suckling kiss made him harder and yet somehow eased the tightness in his heart.
Loving Jaxi was right and perfect. Them being together was perfect and familiar. He knew exactly how to please her. How to please himself as he slid a finger into her sex and stroked until she shattered under him.
Moving to notch his cock against her, Blake slid in before the waves were done. The pulse of pleasure wrapped him in a tight embrace, and he groaned out his own happiness.
Gazing into her eyes, he drew back then plunged deep.
This was love. Complete acceptance, complete trust. Jaxi dragged her hands over his shoulders as fire lit in his heart. They fell a moment later, the sheets tangled under them, chests heaving as their bodies trembled with sweet, dirty connection.
No matter what the future held, this much was true; he and Jaxi would face it together.
SP Ranch Journal
~Michael Coleman, November 1984~
There’s a hole in the heart of this family that’s never going to be filled. Not with Mark run off to who the hell knows where, and John—
Never knew my soul could hurt this bad.
Mark leaving last month was somewhat expected. He was growing more and more unhappy, but he wouldn’t talk about what was wrong. I didn’t know it was serious enough to have him simply pack up and leave.
John was still living in the house they shared, and he seemed okay with it for the first weeks.
Until he wasn’t okay. I can’t believe that John’s gone.
And to top it off, I can’t get a hold of Mark. No matter which numbers I call, I can’
t track him down. He’s going to be devastated to know his twin is—goddammit, I can’t even fucking write the words.
He’s dead. John’s dead, and I didn’t help him.
What could I have done differently? What did I miss? Why didn’t I see?
[halfway down the page, a different set of handwriting.]
My darling love.
I know I’ve said it to you a dozen times now, and I’ll say it a dozen more. I thought maybe sneaking into your journal and putting it front and center for you to see might help remind you—
This wasn’t your fault. You can’t see all, do all, be all. You are a good father, a good husband, a good brother.
A man—fallible and yet trying.
Don’t punish yourself for others’ choices.
At some age, our boys are going to do things we don’t want. They’ll be stubborn, and rude, and maybe break a heart or two along the way. And there’s a fine line between caring and interfering, and we’ll have to walk it.
Your brothers are family, and in our hearts, but ultimately, they’re not your responsibility. You can’t make choices for them. You can’t lead them in any way other than stepping forward each day and trying your best to be your best.
I love you so much. Please, please, let the guilt go. Be sad, be mad, be furious, but not guilty.
We must live our own lives and stand accountable for our own actions. I will stand with you, but I will kick your ass if I have to…
But I’d prefer to love you and hold you and wipe away your tears, so we can step into tomorrow and try to find something that makes us happy.
We can’t fall into bitterness. We can’t live in unending sorrow. We need to live for our children, each other.
Ourselves.
That’s not being selfish—that’s protecting the garden we’ve planted. We need to ensure it grows strong, starting with our sons. With us.
We can do it.
Together.
~Marion
7
Travis caught himself whistling as he hung up the final saddle he’d polished. It’d been a quiet task and not one that he usually did, but today it had been a welcome opportunity to use his hands and let his mind wander.
The whole family memory book had been teasing at him. Trying to come up with a good idea of what he should share hadn’t been nearly as simple as he thought it would be.
For so many years, he’d loved his family and yet hesitated to truly be himself around them. Not just the sexual identity part, but the deeper, less civilized needs he felt. It had made him feel separated, in spite of how much he knew that especially Mike and Marion loved him.
Linking up with Ashley and Cassidy had been the answer to so many unanswered threads. And now that they had started a family—dear God, three babies in the house—he understood a little more about how his parents had loved him in spite of not totally understanding what he needed.
Ashley was his motivating light, always willing to poke her bear. And Cassidy was a solid, quiet pool, with more strength than Travis could ever muster. The three of them together were something unique and beautiful, and somehow, he had to find a way to put that into words?
Sure. No problem there.
He was still chuckling as he rounded the corner and nearly walked into his oldest nephew. “Whoa. Sorry.”
Lance stepped to the side, shaking his head. “My fault.” His youthful expression went from severe concentration to a wry smile instantly. “I was somehow looking for you and not paying attention to where I was going at the same time.”
“Got a problem with chores?” Travis asked, pausing to look the kid up and down. Although, he supposed he should admit kid was the wrong word. Lance was seventeen and closing in on graduation this year.
They’d gotten so used to having Daniel’s boys around the barns that their growing older had snuck up on them all.
The fidgeting was unusual, though. Lance didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands before shoving them in his pockets and firmly lifting his gaze to meet Travis’s. “All done with my chores, but I did want to talk to you. I mean, my best friend does, and I kind of already told him that I didn’t think you’d mind.”
With how tangled up his own brain was, Travis was having a bit of a problem following this conversation. “Your friend?” He thought for a second before finding the name. “Jeremy, right?”
“He’s waiting outside. He actually helped me with my chores, but when I said I was going to go track you down, he said he’d hang out by the creek in case you didn’t want to…” Lance paused and took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a personal topic, but I said you would be somebody good to talk to.”
Aw, hell. Travis could sense which way this one was going from a mile away. “Personal, huh?”
Lance nodded.
“Which means it’s about sex.”
His nephew grinned. “You look awfully uncomfortable right now, Uncle Travis.”
“You’re an evil creature,” Travis told him dryly. “My kids are years away from having to have the birds and bees talk, and you want me to have to start already?”
“Please. We don’t need the basic sex talk. We’ve got the Internet,” Lance informed him before making a face. “And we’ve got my dad, who I will tell you is way too blunt.”
Somehow that bit of information about Daniel made Travis extremely happy. And totally confused. “Then it’s not about sex?”
“Oh, no. It’s totally about sex.” Lance’s smirk faded a little. “Honest, it’s nothing terrible, and we kind of already know the answer, but I think it would be good if Jeremy told you what’s up.”
This had all sorts of trouble written all over it, but there wasn’t much that Travis wouldn’t do for his family, and that included his nephews.
Still, he was going to be careful. “You’re going to be there, yes?”
Lance peeled himself off the stall wall and tilted his head toward the east where the coulee lay. “Yep.”
Wandering outside and down the trail was a bit of a shock as they left the warmth of the barns and the sweet scent of the animals behind. And yet it was fresh, crisp, and clear. The path between the house where Blake and Jaxi were raising their family and the one where Travis, Cassidy, and Ashley were raising theirs was well-packed.
Not only was it the route he and Cassidy took to get to work most mornings, Ashley and Jaxi pranced back and forth most days as well with the kids. Which was all kinds of mental fuckery when he stopped to think about the history of it. His wife and Jaxi as damn near besties. The girl next door who he’d once thought might save him, and the woman who truly had.
It was pretty much the most perfect thing, truth be told.
Down at the bottom where a bridge crossed the frozen water, another tall, lanky youngster twisted toward them. Jeremy’s gaze skipped over Lance and landed on Travis. Worry and hope clung to his expression.
What the hell. He was a teenager. Travis could deal with this.
He lifted his chin at the kid. “Jeremy. Heard you helped Lance get through his chores.”
The kid was all arms and legs with a hint of muscle coming on. He dipped his chin and flashed a quick smile. “Chores at my house mean dishes. I like working with the animals better.”
Interesting. “Well, next time we need to hire some help, we’ll see if you’re available.”
His green eyes lit up like Travis had plugged him into a high-voltage battery. “Yes, sir.”
Lance laughed then moved into position next to his friend. He nudged him with a shoulder. “Okay. Uncle Travis is here, so spit it out.”
A soft swear rose from the kid—young man, considering he too was in grade twelve.
Jeremy looked Travis straight in the eyes. “I’m ace.”
Okay. Not the opener Travis had expected, considering he figured the kid was going to pull something out of his hat about liking both guys and girls. “That’s cool.”
Jeremy nodded. “It was a bit of relief to figure it ou
t, actually. I thought for a while I was broken because nothing seemed to turn me on.”
A little tidbit Travis was looking forward to sharing with Ashley. “My wife teases that people get real hung up on naming stuff, but at the same time, if it makes things easier, having a label for how you feel is a good thing.”
“That’s not the part I need—” Jeremy glanced quickly at Lance.
His nephew sighed dramatically. “You want to finish this before summer? I already told you it was okay to share.”
“So, yeah. I figured out that I was ace, because it didn’t matter what the guys showed me on the Internet or in books, I didn’t get turned on by any of it. But then Lance and I got to be friends, and now…” Jeremy stared determinedly down at his feet. “And I know he doesn’t feel that way about me, but it sucks that the first time I actually get turned on is with somebody who doesn’t want me.”
Damn, this plot just got more and more tangled. Although, Travis caught himself smiling. “Dude. You’re getting all tangled in knots because you now feel sexually attracted to someone you can’t have?”
Lance frowned. “It’s not funny.”
“Nope,” Travis agreed. “But it is pretty much life.”
Jeremy’s eyes snapped up to meet his. “What?”
Travis shrugged. “I’m sure, with the Internet, you’ve probably figured out—if you want a label for this one—that you’re still ace, but you’re probably demi-sexual. You don’t get turned on until you have an emotional connection with somebody.”
Lance slapped the back of his hand against Jeremy’s chest. “See. I told you.”
Jeremy rubbed his palm over where he’d been hit. “So fucked up.”
“No, it’s not,” Lance insisted. He turned his gaze back on Travis. “I really care about Jeremy, and he’s my best friend, but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him. And he got all tangled up because I told him that, and he was saying some bullshit about us not being able to be friends anymore, and I think that’s crap. It does suck that he wants me that way and I don’t, but that’s not going to change.”
Rocky Mountain Forever: Six Pack Ranch: Book 12 Page 6
