by Rachel Kane
"Great. So, as usual, the Mulgrews get to do whatever they want, to whoever they want, and I'm the one suffering for it. There's no damn justice in the world, Alex."
"You're hardly the only one suffering. Exhibit one: Liam."
"I know, okay?"
The look on Liam's face came back to him again—again!—as it had been doing every few minutes since the moment he left. That stricken expression. Surprise, dismay. It was the look of someone who had been through disaster after disaster…someone who thought this time would be different, then realized to his horror that it wouldn't be different, that it would be the same damn tragedy that kept happening.
Only this time, Mason was the tragedy.
"I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I guess it doesn't matter now, though, does it? He's gone, left town—"
"Well, no."
Mason looked up. "No?”
"A little bird told me that cute brother of his and the tiny twink friend have arrived in town. They're all still at the motel."
Then another vision came to Mason. A ridiculous vision of him redeeming himself, marching to the motel, apologizing—with a song, perhaps—outside Liam's window, serenading him with sorrow. Winning him back.
Except of course that was ludicrous, and not just because Mason couldn't sing.
It didn't matter that Liam was still here. Nothing had changed.
Violet Mulgrew's threat still hung over the town like a thunder-cloud, ready to bring down the storms if he said a word.
All to protect a reputation.
How far would someone go, to protect a family's reputation? What would the Mulgrews destroy, to maintain their control over the town?
Anger kept getting in the way of his grief. He wanted revenge over the Mulgrews. Wanted to see them suffer, the way he was suffering now. But what possible weapon did he have in his arsenal? What was he going to do, drive the backhoe over and dig up Violet's garden? Maybe knock over the marker at the park?
There was nothing that could be done about them. The Mulgrews always won. The only force in town that had ever stood against them was the Coopers, and once the spring had dried up and the tourists stopped coming, the power of the Coopers had been in decline.
It would have been an amazing thing to watch Liam join that old family battle. To see him take on the Mulgrews.
But it was a sight he'd never get to see.
"I'm surprised I hadn't heard the rumors about Thaddeus," said Mason. "I feel like I know everything about everybody in Superbia."
"I think that's by design," said Alex. "After all the rumors, he became a recluse. I have to assume he got a big speech from Violet, just like you. I see him, oh, once a year or so. He comes by to look at books, and to see if anyone has bought his history of the town. We chat for a little while, then he goes back into hiding upstate."
"How does she manage to ruin everybody's lives?" Mason asked.
"I guess money and an inflated sense of ego will do that. Here's my question, though: Do you think Liam will end up selling Superbia Springs to her?"
The question was a knife in the gut, and the only cure for it was to disinfect the question with a little more alcohol. He poured it down his throat, losing his resolution from a moment ago to make the buzz last.
"Would he do it out of spite? Liam's not really the kind of guy who does things from spite," he said. "He's got principles. He cares a lot about right and wrong. He's… He's good people, Alex. You don't know how good."
"I got that impression when he came into the store. His mom is pretty nice too. You know, for a minute there, I pictured them all moving down here so you two could be together, and I got kind of excited. New people!" He laughed ruefully.
"Better that they should stay away, so they don't get infected by the ugliness that lurks beneath Superbia," Mason said.
"Oh, don't be that melodramatic. You sound like one of those horror novels Brian Alper is always buying. The Doom Beneath Superbia."
"I made a mistake," Mason said, unable to circle around to these other topics, these other people, for one more moment. Unable to avoid getting straight back to the pain in his heart. "I did something terrible. I… I think I loved him, Alex. And I let him go. No, that's not right, I pushed him to go. I forced him. And I never even gave him the real reason. Now what's left for me? He's going to be out there hurting, and I don't have a reason to keep going."
"Come on now, don't talk like that," Alex said, a new, worried tone in his voice.
Mason shook his head. "All I mean is, what's to keep me from being a recluse, like Thaddeus Mulgrew? Maybe I'll just tuck myself away so the world can't see me anymore. At least then I can't ruin anybody else's life."
"Oh, see, I thought you were being self-destructive, when in fact you've just reached the self-pity stage of grieving. Very attractive."
"It's not self-pity."
Alex set his glass down sharply. "Look, are we friends or not? Can we just talk like real human beings who have known each other forever? Can we do that?"
"Go ahead."
"This is all bullshit. You didn't break up with Liam because of Violet. You broke up with him because you're afraid."
"Well, yeah. I'm afraid of what she would do to you, to Toby, to my dad—"
"No. Because, you know what? If she tried anything, we'd sue her ass off. Or hell, we'd do something. Maybe throw a big fund-raiser to stay in business. I don't know. But you didn't ask. You didn't come to me and say, Alex, I think you might be in trouble. No, you took it upon yourself to make the decision for all of us…and that wasn't your right."
"It wasn't my right to protect you? To protect Liam?"
"To leave everybody in the dark. Because the only one you're really trying to protect is yourself. Face it, man. Will you just face it? You're not in the closet because you had some stupid affair a thousand years ago with Justin F. Mulgrew. You're not in the closet because Violet made threats. Those were just convenient excuses, making it easier for you to justify what you were going to do anyway. You're in the closet because you don't think you deserve any better. You never have. These stupid dates you go on, way the hell out of town? You're setting yourself up to fail, because you wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you had to admit you're worth being loved."
This was uncomfortable territory, and Mason wasn't in the mood to hear it. Maybe pouring himself another drink would block it out. Maybe if he drank fast enough, he'd just pass out here, and not have to listen to a word.
But Alex's hand was faster than his, and pulled the bottle out of reach. "No. You're not going to avoid this. We're going to get it out into the open, once and for all."
"There's nothing to get out in the open. I'm not afraid of love. That's stupid."
"I'm not going to sit here and play psychologist with you. I don't know, deep down, what's driving you like that. But I'm telling you, I see it over and over again. Whenever you get close to having a feeling for someone, something goes wrong. It all falls apart. And you try to make up for it by having the shallowest, most meaningless encounters…except you can't go through with that, either, because you know you want something deeper, you know you want a relationship, something that can last… And I think you had that with Liam, and it scared you."
The pain was unbearable. Literally unbearable; the body twisted away from it, the way you pull your fingers back from a flame. His entire soul shied away, tried to escape, would have leaped from his body and left nothing but an empty husk behind, if that had been possible.
He had been so close.
So close to having the very thing he'd always wanted, as much as he knew he didn't deserve it.
He put his hands flat on the table.
"You know what Violet told me, when she first found out about me and Justin, all those years ago?"
"Something terrible, I imagine," said Alex.
"She told me that not only was I going to hell for what I'd done—trying to tempt her innocent son to the path of unrighteousness�
�but worse than that, she said I'd never be good enough for anyone like Justin. The Tisdales are trash, she told me. I can still hear it." In his best imitation of her angry, quavering voice, he said, "The Tisdales are trash, and always have been. I'm not saying your people aren't useful to the town. Somebody has to do the scut-work, I suppose. But don't aim too high, Mason Lee. Find yourself a nice trailer-girl to settle down with, drop out of school, and have a passel of babies. Just like your daddy."
"Holy shit, the nerve."
The inner edges of his hands rose until his palms were pressed together, as though in prayer. "The thing is, I've never seen anything to prove she wasn't right. I mean, I call myself a contractor, but what do I actually do? Pull bird nests out of drain pipes? Repoint the bricks on someone's chimney? Maybe if I get lucky, I lay down some tile, a nice big job. I'm just the town handyman, and nothing better than that. Driving my broken-down truck, getting older by the minute, while the world passes me by. Fuck, Alex. That talk of hers has stuck in my head my entire life."
"And there you have it," said Alex.
"There I have what?"
"The Mulgrew's secret weapon. How they maintain their grip on this town. It isn't their money. It's us. The people who believe what they say. The people who accept their terms. You were a fucking teenager, Mason. How dare she? Really, how dare she? Calling you trash because she was ashamed her son had been caught with you. What the fuck is wrong with her? We ought to burn her fucking house down."
"No, we ought to burn down Cooper's Folly, so she can't get her hands on it."
"See? Why would we even assume she would get her hands on it? Except for the fact that she said she would, and now that's just the way we think about the house, in terms of whether or not she gets it. She inserts herself into your mind. She's like a weird mental parasite. Again, like one of those damned horror novels Brian reads. I never thought they would come in handy as a metaphor, but here we are."
Mason’s mind had already leaped ahead. "Do you think Liam would accept an apology from me?"
"An apology? Do you think that's enough?"
"I don't know. An apology and…a promise?"
"To do what?"
"I don't know! To come out of the closet, hell or high water?"
Alex's eyes sparkled with excitement. "You'd do that? You'd just tell Violet to go fuck herself, and get on with your real life?"
"Look, if you and Toby don't care that she's going to come after you—"
Alex looked over at the bar. "Hey, Toady!"
"Fuck it," said Toby, who had been eavesdropping in between serving customers. "Mason, stop being a baby. Go win back the man. We'll take care of the goddamn Mulgrews."
"Maybe one more drink, to steady my nerves."
Alex shook his head. "One more drink, and I'd have to deliver you to Liam in a wheelbarrow. Get over there, while you still have a sober brain-cell left in your head."
"What if he's gone? What if he says no? What if I hurt him too badly—"
"Then come back and we'll drink the rest of this bottle, and anything else Toady's willing to spare, and we'll mourn your sad fucking life, but until that actually happens, go talk to Liam. No more fucking secrets, man. Talk to him."
30
Liam
Among the many architectural features of the low-slung Superbia Motor Lodge, proper sound-proofing was not one of them. Liam could hear the TV going in the next room… his room, which was currently occupied by Mama and Roo. Take the night off, Mama had said when the three men showed up, Noah and Judah practically holding Liam upright, his eyes red. Go on, she’d said, I've got the baby.
There wasn't anything left to say, but Noah and Judah were sticking close, both on their phones, Judah in the uncomfortable chair, Noah taking up far more of the bed than seemed physically possible. Liam lay on a few spare inches on the very edge, looking up at the ceiling, hands on his chest, thinking of the ways he might have made things go right.
He hadn’t come up with anything yet.
That lack of soundproofing had a single virtue: You could always tell when someone was coming.
He recognized the raspy cough of the truck's engine before it even pulled into the motel parking lot.
"Oh my god," he whispered. "It's him."
"Who?" said Noah, looking up.
"Him! Goddamn it, pay attention! What do I do?"
Judah looked out the blinds. “He’s got someone with him.”
“What does that mean, someone?”
“I don’t know the names and personal details of everyone who lives in this town, Liam. It’s some guy.”
Liam rolled over until his feet were swinging down off the bed, and he was sitting upright. “How does he look? What do I do?”
“I’d say you have about five seconds to decide what you really want in your life. Four…three…oh, wait, he’s going to the wrong room. Or, rather, the right room, just not the one you’re in.”
“Oh god, he’ll wake up Roo!” Liam rushed out barefoot, the rough concrete walkway greeting his soles.
But it wasn’t Mason raising his hand to knock at the next door.
“Hey, are you looking for me?” Liam asked. “You’re…Toby, right?”
The man turned to look at him, a little embarrassed. “Oh hell, did he tell me the wrong room number? Look, I hate to be the messenger, but…” He jerked his thumb back, pointing at the truck. Mason was in the passenger seat, looking frozen and ashamed. “He wanted to talk to you. I wasn’t going to let him drive, but I think he’s sober enough to talk. If you wanted to.”
“Are you sure you want to talk to me?” he asked Mason, as they walked through the parking lot. “We could pass notes back and forth through Toby, if that would make you more comfortable.”
Mason rubbed his temples. “Are you being sarcastic? I can’t tell.”
“I’m pretty upset.”
“Yeah. Me too. I mean, my fault. Totally my fault. Can I take it all back?”
The streets of Superbia were still and quiet, the taste of rain in the air although some stars were visible through the black scudding clouds. “I guess neither of us said no backsies so it’s allowed.” Liam shook his head. Why couldn’t he be serious? Why couldn’t he say what he needed to say?
Because it hurt, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for more pain.
“Or any pain,” he whispered to himself.
“What?” Mason asked.
He swallowed. May as well get it out in the open. Right? They were apart, they were severed; it wasn’t like the truth would break them up worse.
“I think… I think I have spent a lot of my life trying to escape pain. Trying not to feel it. And for good reasons. There’s always something to do, something for other people, or for a career, something that you can put first, ahead of yourself, ahead of your grief.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about,” said Mason. “Or…what I wanted to talk about.”
“Maybe I was too strident about you coming out? That’s what Noah says, anyway. I mean, people do have secrets, it’s not like they’re all these big, horrible, fatal ones that wreck everything, right? It’s not like you were keeping it secret from me, it’s not—”
“Hold on. Hold on just a sec, okay?” Mason paused, and after a step forward, Liam paused too, turning back to look at him.
There was real pain on Mason’s face. The kind of pain you only see when someone has been suffering a long, long time, when they’ve tried to be strong, when they’ve tried to keep going, but eventually the cost of all that trying shows up in the corners of the eyes, in the pressed-down brow, in the way the lower lip gets caught between the teeth.
“I need to tell you about Violet Mulgrew,” Mason said. Then he took a deep, deep breath.
Liam listened, and what he heard shocked him. More than shocked him. Mason told Liam a story about secrets, about blackmail. About an innocent fling of his youth that was seen as so evil, so damaging, the Mulgrews had built a fortress around it
, something positively medieval, with spikes on the walls, trapping Mason inside for his entire adult life.
“You… I don’t understand,” Liam said, “how can they force you not to tell anyone that you’re gay? Why do they care so much?”
“You know what it is?” Mason said, his voice strained and hoarse. “I think control becomes a kind of habit. I think the Mulgrews are so used to controlling this town, that it doesn’t occur to them that they shouldn’t have power over every little thing. So when Violet found out that I’d slept with Justin, she thought it was perfectly reasonable to threaten me. Not just me, threaten my family, my friends. Why not? She knew I cared so much about them that I’d never do anything to hurt them. And so I kept my secret for years.”
What does that do to a person, to keep a secret that long? To have to be dishonest to everyone, to be dishonest with himself, year after lonely year? Liam felt his heart breaking all over again at the idea of it, a sorrow greater than the rage he felt against the Mulgrews, the anger when he remembered how prim and proper Violet had been when she’d sat on his couch, talking to his mother, getting ready to make her offer for the house.
The amazing thing was that it hadn’t stopped Mason from being good.
Secrets had twisted Liam’s dad. Had made him distant and cold, aloof from his family, leaving them with riddles over who he even was, riddles that persisted to this day. And Richard? His secrets had sent him straight to the grave, not thinking about the pain he’d cause Liam.
But Mason had not become twisted. Mason had, somehow, kept his heart strong, had kept being good, had become integral to this town.
There was a strength inside him that kept the walls from crumbling…but Liam could see, now, the cost of that strength. The way he needed to rest, the way he needed to trust someone else to help him.
