by Alice Carina
We were both silent for a moment.
"Ho-how are you?" I asked as an afterthought and wanted to run away.
"I'm good," he smiled.
I'm smart. I'm a straight-A student and I really am smart. I don't know why I act so stupid around you, but I swear I'm smart. I wanted to say but couldn't find the courage for the confession.
"What can I do for you?" He asked after more silence, still smiling.
"I-um... Well, I just..." What was I supposed to say? I – your texting friend who has a crush on you – am sorry that my sister's friend who also has a crush on you pointed out that you rejected one of the many other girls who also have a crush on you? "I just wanted to apologize for Bernetta," it was too late not to say anything and I couldn't think of anything else to say. "It was really awkward and she shouldn't have talked to you about tha..." My voice kept getting lower and lower with embarrassment at the ridiculousness of my words until they could no longer be heard or said.
"Oh, no, it's fine," he assured me, but he was blushing like he had earlier when Bernetta wanted to discuss his private business and he was too polite to just walk away from either of us. "I just didn't know everybody knew about that." I wanted to tell him that it wasn't any of my business and that he didn't owe me any explanations, but he went on. "I didn't mean to hurt Sylvia, or anything. I must've led her on somehow without noticing, I feel awful."
"It's not your fault," I shook my head, "you don't need to lead girls on for them to like you, trust me."
It was something that Chelsea would've texted him for me, a joke that she would've considered witty and flirty and I could've easily downplayed with another text or an emoticon that was more expressive and particular than my face could ever be, but I couldn't just pull out my phone and point to a funny face or call Chelsea for help, so I just stood there, silent and wide-eyed at what I'd just said.
He was about to say something, but seemed to hesitate for a moment before deciding. Just when he was about to reply – hopefully with something funny that would minify my confession, heavy footsteps shook the floor as someone came running.
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late," a voice that I knew too well chanted before jumping to a stop next to us. "Chad? You're late too? Great!" The voice turned cheery, "Now I won't get yelled at alone."
I took a small step back. Maybe – just maybe – I could make it out of the hall without him noticing me.
"Katelyn?" Emmet turned to me. I hated being called by my full name and he knew that. It was my aunt's name and it made me feel old, as if my old manners and concepts that everyone made fun of showed on my face and in my name. "What are you doing here, babe?" He mocked. I used to like it when he called me that and he knew that. It was something that I'd often heard Josslyn called and many other girls but no one had used the word on me, it made me feel pretty, but now he used it like his knowledge of my self-consciousness and the words that alleviated it was a method of shaming me.
"Nothing," I shook my head as I lowered it and took another step away.
"Let me walk you to class," Chad offered, always the gentleman.
"No, it's... fine," I hurried away.
"I already told you dude," I heard Emmet as I rounded the corner. "You can walk her to all the classes you want, you still won't get anything from her."
I didn't go to my last class. I was too late and I couldn't imagine standing in front of the entire class as I was questioned or kicked out, so I just walked around the halls, thinking.
The superficially exploited xenium of my peers – sex; so long as two people were doing it, everything else that they did or felt became more valid; if they broke up, they were entitled to more pain and remorse, if they were together, they were obviously more serious and in love, if they praised or complained, their opinions were much more worthy, and I couldn't understand why.
It wasn't as if everyone who made love was actually in love... Still, while the act of making love didn't grant love, it apparently granted respect and wisdom and sublimity.
The world of high school was divided into two parts – those who'd done it and those who hadn't. Those who'd done it were looked up to as citizens of the real world, as adults who knew better and whose judgment and acts were unquestionable, as if the deed was the only initiation step into the other side of the world, the real side where their opinions were all-knowing and there was nothing else keeping them from being regarded as highly as any authoritative figure in life. Those who hadn't, well, we could only wonder at the magic portal, too scared or reserved or unprepared to pass through.
Would I become stronger if I did it - more confident like Josslyn and Chelsea and Bernetta and Sylvia? Would my views matter to my parents or teachers or other grown-ups as much as their own because we'd all basically shared the same grown-up experience? Would my friends like me more if I joined their race into adulthood? Would I be accepted as a woman whose feelings and decisions were valid and judgment was approved and heart mattered? Would it be easier to talk to guys and make me wiser to eventually choose the right one to be with?
There was only one way to know, but the thought of being alone with a guy and...
The bell rang, signaling the end of the last period and my thoughts on the subject, yet somehow I felt more decided. I wasn't sure why the topic didn't pop into my head for the remainder of the day like unsolved troubles often did, but it was as if I'd thought as much as I could and made a choice that I didn't even know.
Josslyn was going to a party that night and she invited me along like she always did. I always refused and preferred to stay at home and cover for her if our parents found out – which they never did, but, that day, I didn't want to stay at home; I wanted to go out with Josslyn and behave like her and enjoy her world. She was very surprised when I agreed and thought that I was joking until I went into her room and asked her if I could borrow an outfit because I didn't have anything for a party. She became very excited, thinking that that was my 'something new' after Emmet and played dress-up with me for hours – I refused everything that was too short or too tight, she refused everything that was comfortable. Eventually, we settled on a dress that was long enough to reach my knees and was loose around my stomach in case I was the only girl who chose to eat, but it was too tight and revealing on my shoulders and cleavage.
"Oh, relax," Josslyn rolled her eyes at me when I tried to hide more of my body in the dress without ripping it. "If anybody threatens your over-sized-clothes reputation, just pretend you're me."
We didn't even have to sneak out. My parents were early, heavy sleepers; they went to bed after the night news and didn't wake up till their alarms went off in the morning. My arms trembled as Josslyn opened the front door and ushered me out, but I reminded myself that they'd never woken up when she left alone and probably weren't going to now, and Josslyn assured me she would take full blame if we got busted.
"Katie's coming?" Kyle gasped when he saw me. Josslyn only shrugged, her shock not showing until after I got into the car and Kyle started driving when I didn't stop him and run back into our house.
"I'm so proud of you!" She squealed when we were too far for me to change my mind. "It's about time you started living a little and moved on from that idiot. Don't worry; I'll hurt him good for you." She winked at me.
She thought he was an idiot and wanted to hurt him, yet he'd wanted her enough to use and hurt me. I thought he was smart and wanted him to just want to spend time with me, me the way that I was, but he never wanted me...
My whole body shook from the force of the music when I got out of the car. There were cars and motorbikes everywhere, people everywhere, spilled cups and crumbles of food everywhere. I felt sick, but I forced myself to walk alongside Josslyn and Kyle into the house.
I was instantly thankful for my uncomfortable dress; anything longer or looser would've definitely made me stand out, and I just wanted to blend in like a part of the scene while I studied my peers in that house like experiments in a glass tank. I d
idn't want to get involved in anything, I just wanted to watch and learn so that I could pretend to know what the fuss was all about. I wanted to know what a guy looked like when he was really into a girl so that I could avoid another Emmet-incident in the future, I wanted to know how a girl was supposed to act when she liked a guy, I wanted to know what couples in love looked like, and I wanted to know what happened at parties for people to like them so much. I just wanted to sneak a little peek at the other side of the world and think it through later so that I could analyze how long it would take me to join the adult world – if I was ever to be able to join it.
There were cigarettes and alcohol everywhere and I had no idea how high school kids were permitted to have them. Everyone was holding something, so I wanted to match them, but I didn't dare go anywhere near the drinks.
I neared a group who were smoking in a corner. They were breathing the cigarettes in simultaneously and letting the smoke out at almost the same moment so there was a cloud of grey surrounding them. The cloud hit me like a brick, the smoke invading my nostrils and mouth was thick and almost solid. My body quickly tried to reject it back with tearful coughs.
I ran away before anybody could notice and climbed up the stairs. Leaning against the railing, I tried to catch my breath without too many people gasping for oxygen and blowing their carbon dioxide at me and pushing what little air I could get out of me while they danced and jumped.
It was easier to watch the people from above; I could watch more than one encounter at once. I quickly noticed that it was almost the same picture everywhere only in slightly different colors; girls trying to show more skin, boys trying to flex and show more muscle, giggles, hair flips, fluttering eyelashes, confident stances, light touching, lip-gazing. It was almost the same scene everywhere; love being too common and neutral with all.
Josslyn was sitting on a chair, surrounded by three guys hanging to her every smile – one of them was Emmet. Other guys and girls eyed her with curiosity as they passed by, many stopped for a quick chat. And there I was, standing all alone, unnoticed as if I was still at home waiting for her to come back.
"Katie!" Kyle slurred as he walked closer to me. "I can't believe you're really here." He looked over the railing and his smile disappeared. "She's driving me mad."
"She drives all boys mad." I chuckled, "Apparently that's why you all like her."
He didn't respond, just kept glaring at her group.
Kyle was among the very few boys that I could actually talk to, probably the only guy other than my cousins. I grew up with my parents and Josslyn. Dad was often busy with work, so it was mostly just us girls at home. Aside from my cousins – and there were very few males of those – I'd never really known how to talk to boys or what about. I was naturally awkward with everybody, but even more so with boys who always seemed too wild for me and I believed I had nothing in common with.
Josslyn was never long enough with a guy for me to get used to him and they never bothered with me anyway, but Kyle was different. They'd been together – on and off – for months – even surviving the summer, and he seemed to genuinely like her, to want to know her, and he tried to get to know me as part of getting to know her. He drove us to and from school every day and always talked to me. At first he used to irritate me just to provoke me into yelling or saying something back to him, then we fell into a kind of friendship where he phoned me to smooth talk him to Josslyn whenever they fought and drove me when dad or mom couldn't. He even knew about my crush on Chad. Unlike the others who knew, he didn't tease or mock me about it. He only asked me once if I wanted him to talk to Chad for me, see if he was interested. I didn't want to know for sure that he wasn't so I declined and he never mentioned him again.
"Lucas, mucus," he muttered to himself as Josslyn reached out to squeeze a guy's arm.
"It's actually just Luca," I corrected him.
"Don't tell me you like him, too," he turned his glare on me.
"No," I shrugged. "He's too much of a player for me, I like nice guys, guys who..." I trailed off, not wanting to talk to Kyle about my stupid crush on one of his friends who would never want me. I quickly tried to change the subject back to him. "Did you guys break up?"
He didn't answer, just turned his anger and hatred-filled glare back on Josslyn and the growing group around her, which I thought was affirmation enough.
Luca was a new student who had more than half the female population in our school at his feet. He was tall, handsome, popular, and had an accent. Josslyn had had her eye on him for quite some time and kept pushing and pulling with him until he couldn't help but be drawn to her. Even though she kept trying to divide her attention between all the guys around her, she kept looking at him from the corner of her eye until he finally said something that got her full attention. The way she looked at him made it clear that Kyle was a hazy memory. He took her hand in his and they slipped away from the group, he was smirking and she was giggling as he opened a door behind him and pulled her in. They were already kissing before the door closed. I shook my head slightly, knowing my sister, no thought or emotion of her months-long relationship with Kyle would linger till morning.
I turned to see his reaction to seeing his moments-ago-girlfriend already with another guy, but he was looking at me.
"You look really pretty tonight," he smiled absently as he pushed my bangs to the side.
No guy had ever looked at me and called me pretty before, especially after seeing Josslyn. Her face was always well-painted and radiant with confidence and joy that I looked like a paler, sick version of her. But that night, the same artistic hands had done their work on me, and I looked just like her, I was Josslyn's identical twin sister and had as much right to the title as she did.
Kyle kept his hand in my hair and started leaning in closer to me. He moved slowly, carefully, giving me the time to move away, but I didn't.
His lips touched mine for a second before he pulled away and looked into my eyes, testing. Again, giving me the chance to move away, but I didn't. I didn't encourage him, but I didn't do anything to stop him either.
I didn't want to make any choices or decisions that night. And it was so easy as if I'd already chosen and decided before. I didn't choose for him to find me alone, or to kiss me, so I didn't choose to push him away. I hadn't decided on doing anything that night but observe, so I didn't decide on objecting to being involved.
Maybe that was the only way, the only way to be respected and looked at as a girl, as a woman, the only way to be loved by guys like Emmet or Kyle or Luca or Chad, there was no other way.
I didn't choose to kiss him again, but he kissed me and I didn't choose to ask him to stop. I didn't decide on hiding somewhere in the dark, but I felt him push me into privacy and I decided not to decide to stop him.
I could've stopped him when he closed thatdoor behind us, I could've stopped him when I suspected that he didn't evenknow or care who I was, I could've stopped him when his hands found the zipperof my dress, but I didn't, and that was the biggest mistake of my life.
Positive
I felt sick. My heart was about to burst through my stomach as I snuck back home with more fear and disbelief than when I had snuck out. It had been my choice, or, at least, my consent to not choosing to object, but I still felt robbed, like something had been taken from me in a trick that I didn't understand and I couldn't get it back.
I didn't know what I was so nervous about. It was over and done with and nobody else knew. I'd left Kyle snoring and mumbling Josslyn's name; he'd been drunk so he'd probably just assume that he'd had one last night with her for closure or something, but I couldn't stop my heart from shaking at the realization that I'd lost a lot more than I was willing to. I thought that I would simply lose my silliness or awkwardness around the opposite sex, but I lost so much more; I lost my expectations, my faith in romance, my love for love stories, and all that had made up my pre-tonight mind. There weren't any sparks or butterflies or magic, my heart had beat with
fiercer passion while reading novels rather than when I was having my first experience, and there was no connection at all. It was all just physical, me wanting him to stop but not saying anything then running away after it was over in the middle of the night. I lost the innocent side of me that had believed in the magical flair of romance, and my heart ached to get it back.
Waking up the next morning, I expected myself to feel differently about what had happened, to come to better terms with it and for its effects to start showing, but I found myself hoping that it had only been a dream. Breakfast went on for too long and I didn't have the stomach for anything. I was worried that everyone was faking neutrality in order to skillfully draw a confession out of me, but nobody knew. I was terrified of disappointing my parents like dad often said he was in Josslyn and I was fairly disappointed in myself. I always thought that I would wait until I was older, that I wouldn't be peer-pressured into something so against my beliefs, that I would do it on my own time with someone that I deeply cared about and loved, but I was just another one of those teenage girls who gave in at a high school party and just wanted to forget about it.
I kept staring at my parents and sister during breakfast, wondering if we'd become connected on a deeper level now that we'd all had similar experiences, but I only felt more alienated from them. I didn't feel older or more mature or wiser than the day before. In fact, I felt so much smaller, just wanting to crawl into my parents' bed and cry until the memories of the nightmare went away.
With Kyle being added to the pile of Josslyn's exes, there wasn't much of a chance of seeing him again. Maybe I would bump into him in the hallway at school every now and then, but that could be avoidable, especially since he would be keen on avoiding me and her like all of her exes. I could just forget about it and go on with my life as if nothing at all had happened. I wouldn't even have to act innocent and clueless, I still felt just as inexperienced and confused as ever, even more so when the one thing I thought would put me on equal grounds with adults seemed to scare me off further into ignorance.
