by Alice Carina
"I'm already freaking out but this party thing, I don't need your pregnancy sarcasm on top of it all."
"Fine," I rolled my eyes. "How did you take care of my father?"
"My parents are taking yours out to dinner."
"My dad hasn't been out of the house for ages," I reminded her, "he won't let me out of his sight, as if I can get more pregnant or something. I don't think he'll agree to that."
"Seems like he's bored of staying at home 'cause he already said yes,"
"Are you serious?" I blinked at her.
"Yup, so you're coming to my party to meet my future husband."
"No," I didn't realize I'd said the words out loud until her eyes widened.
"What?"
"I can't come,"
"Why not?"
"I-I just can't,"
She was silent for a long moment, just watching me as I pretended that I was too busy with my food.
"I get it, you know." She grabbed my hand to pull my attention back to her. "And I get that you need to come to this party."
"What are you talking about?"
"You've only ever been to one party, and you ended up with that," she nodded to my stomach. "You can't let the memory of that party haunt you forever. Parties are about fun and socializing and spending carefree time with other people. You need to experience that at least once, you need a good memory to counter the one that you have or you'll eventually develop some sort of phobia from fun."
I felt my heart beat faster in my chest as she voiced my fears. Parties didn't mean anything remotely close to fun to me. They were unexpected, unpredictable, pressuring, and had life-long lasting circumstances.
"What makes you think this party will be a good memory?"
"Because Chad will be there," she smiled at him. "You always say he makes everything a million times better." She shrugged and I blushed. "You're coming, aren't you?" She asked him.
"I'll go if you want to go." He told me. "I won't let anything happen to you." He promised.
I couldn't go. I just couldn't.
Chelsea called later that night and tried to guilt me into going, not by telling me again that I was her best friend and had to support her first ever party thrown for the sake of the first guy she'd ever felt that way about, but by talking about Chad. She reminded me how Chad hadn't been to any party, or anywhere really, since we got together, that it was probably going to be the last party of the year so he wouldn't have another chance to do something actually normal for his age and normal life in which I was the only abnormal thing.
She told me to think of it as a date where he didn't have to worry about offending me by suggesting it because it would be my idea, but it didn't feel right.
The next evening, my parents did in fact leave the house to dine with Chelsea's parents. They didn't say a word of warning or anything to me before going. Josslyn left almost as soon as they were out. I was home alone. I could leave anywhere and nobody would know.
I called Chad at the time we usually talked and asked what he was doing.
"Nothing," he replied, "just flipping through the TV." That was his answer every night.
He shouldn't have been trapped inside with his parents who were giving him a hard time and constant lectures since they found out about me. He should've been going out and attending parties and having fun.
Chelsea's party was probably the safest party in the world; there weren't going to be any drinks and the guests were few and nice and all knew how close Chelsea and I were so they wouldn't say anything about me being there, and it would be a normal date – of course we wouldn't be able to stand too close to each other or behave as more than just friends, but a normal date nonetheless.
"Do you want to go to Chelsea's party?" I couldn't believe the words had come out of my mouth, and neither could he and asked me to repeat them.
I could do it, for him, for her, for me. I could go to a normal party and have fun and return home early, unharmed, and guilt free. I could be a friend to Chelsea, I could be a secret but good girlfriend to Chad, I could be just a high school girl at a high school party, I could be normal.
"Do you want to go?" He turned the question on me.
"I guess..." I sighed, "I mean, we won't be able to stay long in case Josslyn or my parents come back early, but it could be fun."
"Did I hear you correctly?" I could almost see him smiling. "Did nothing-can-be-right-in-our-lives Katie just admit that we might actually be able to have fun?"
"Are you gonna come pick me up or not?"
"I'm already on my way," he chuckled, "be there in ten."
Nothing about the house from the outside gave the impression of a party being held inside, save for some parked cars and bicycles.
The door wasn't even left open. We had to knock and Chelsea opened the door with a knowing look on her face.
"You're late," she winked at me.
"Like you knew I was coming," I rolled my eyes at her.
"Of course, I did, you would do anything for Chad," she smiled at him then stepped closer so only I could hear. "Sounds like you're in love, just not enough to actually tell him."
"I'm still at the door, I can leave." I threatened and she laughed.
"Come on," she took my hand and pulled me inside. "He's already here, I can't wait for you to meet him."
There were quite some people inside. The music was low and hardly anyone was dancing. Most were stuffing their faces with chips and snacks and there was a loud buzz of munching and talking.
"Chad! How's it going?" A guy suddenly appeared in front of him.
It would've been weird of me to stand still as well when the guy hadn't addressed me and Chad couldn't insist on staying with me without seeming suspicious, so I kept walking with Chelsea and he winked me, letting me know that he would catch up soon.
"Okay, so be nice, and cool; he's older, you know. Smile, but not too much so he thinks I talk about him a lot, but don't act like I've never mentioned him either."
"Relax, he's not the first boyfriend you've introduce me to."
"He's the first one I've cared this much about." She sighed.
"I'm sure he cares about you, too." I assured her. "Why else would an older guy be at the quietest high school snack-party."
"Okay, here we are," she squeezed my hand tighter. "Katie, this is Seth. Seth, this is my best friend Katie."
My heart dropped at the mention of his name before I saw his face.
It was just a similar name. Seth was a popular name; it wasn't occupied by only one person in the country. It couldn't be the same older Seth I wished I'd never known.
My heart pounded faster and faster as my eyes adjusted to his face. His face seemed thinner, his skin was clearer, he stood taller, and his gaze was focused, focused on me.
It had to be a nightmare.
His eyes were as wide as mine, and we saw everything that had happened in each other's eyes. Finding his shop, him taking me in, living with him, becoming friends, telling him everything, learning everything about him, his promise to quit, the anniversary of her death, his twisted idea of us becoming a family, locked, the stairs, the basement, the broken cup, the window, the street, the rain, the blood, the darkness.
"Katie?" Chelsea pulled at my hand and I noticed that I'd been moving or falling backwards. "Are you okay?"
I looked behind me, but the door seemed too far away, and there were too many people blocking it.
"Are you feeling sick?" I blinked at her. "Do you need to use the bathroom?" The bathroom was away from them, so I nodded and I made to walk away. "Someone just went into the one down stairs, you can use the one in my room."
She let go of my hand and I held on to the railing as I went up the stairs as quickly as my advanced pregnancy allowed.
I went into her room and rushed to the bathroom inside. I tried to throw up the pain in my stomach but nothing came out.
This can't be happening.
I threw water at my face and ran my wet fingers
through my hair.
This can't be happening.
After all that time, how could he come back? Had he followed me to my town? Had he known all along that Chelsea was my best friend? He couldn't have; he looked just as surprised to see me there. What was going on? It had to be a nightmare. I wondered if I screamed at the top of my lungs, or made myself fall down to the ground roughly, or did any of the things that usually ended his nightmares if I would wake up. He couldn't have been there for real, but I had to run away from him, like I did in all of my dreams. I had to run away and wait to wake up.
This can't be happening.
I had to leave.
I exited the bathroom, but Chelsea's room was too dark. I tried walking over to the door, but I noticed a dark figure leaning against it after I'd gotten too close, and only then I remembered that I hadn't closed the door after running in.
I couldn't breathe.
This can't be happening.
I tried to open my mouth to say something, to scream, but nothing came out. I tried to step away from him, but I couldn't move.
This can't be happening.
"No, no, please don't be scared." He pleaded.
His voice was real. He was real.
"I'm not going to hurt you. You know that Katie, right?" I trembled when I heard him say my name, remembering too clearly the slurred way he'd said it the last time we were alone in a room together.
"Katie-" he took a step forward and stopped when I jumped a step back and nearly fell.
He'd stepped closer to the weak light coming out of the cracked bathroom door, and I saw the surprise and disbelief and shame on his face.
"I..." He trailed off, his eyes confused and his face tired. "I don't know what to say." He moved a hand across his face in embarrassment. "I know I have no right to be happy or relieved to see you after what I'd done, but you have no idea how glad I am that you're okay, how free I suddenly feel." He smiled and a tear escaped his eye. "When I woke up and I remembered what I'd done..." He trailed off, lowering his face, "I couldn't believe it, I thought it was a nightmare, it just couldn't be true. I looked everywhere for you, but I couldn't find you anywhere, then I saw the blood at my window and heard some people talking about finding a bleeding pregnant girl at the bus stop." He choked and was silent for a moment.
The music wasn't low enough, I could hear it upstairs in her room, and I doubted anyone would hear me if I screamed.
"You have no idea what that did to me." He shook his head like I'd willingly put him through the harshest experience of his life even after everything harsh he'd been through. "I couldn't follow you to the hospital and ask about you, I was too scared that I'd done something too horrible, that something irreversible had happened to you and that I'd killed two pregnant girls in so short a while, four souls dead because of me."
He paused, allowing me to speak, but I didn't want to speak to him, I just wanted to run away.
"I quit drinking," he informed me with a proud nod when I didn't say anything. "I haven't had a sip or done anything bad since that night, I swear. I even sold my store and moved out of the town and the corrupting memories like you advised me to."
He paused again, waiting for my response to the memory of our talks and normal conversations together, but I couldn't respond to anything but the endless nightmares I had of him and the fear pulsing through me.
"I got a little shop at the mall," he resumed. "It's doing really well; it pays for its own rent and that of my new apartment and food and everything." He listed off his new life. "I'm healthy, I'm making new friends, I'm building a new life. I should've been happy, but I could never get over what I'd done to you. I've been losing sleep and having nightmares and walking around with this enormous weight on my shoulders. You have no idea how rewarding it is to see you here tonight, to finally have a sign that I might have a second chance in life."
Did he have any idea how much sleep I had lost and how terrifying my nightmares were and how I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked to Kyle's house on the night that he left because it was the first and only night I'd been outside on my own since what he'd done to me?
I couldn't tell if my face was still wet from being washed or if I was crying or both. My eyes widened even more at his words. Hadn't he wanted to force me to be his second chance? Is that what Chelsea was to him? His eyes snapped to mine and quickly lowered, as if he read the accusation in them.
"Your friend is very special," he shrugged. "She's so unlike you and Resa. Resa couldn't stop blushing when I asked her out and all throughout our first dates, but Chelsea was the one to ask me out. She's loud and confident and proud and charismatic and decisive, she's so unlike anyone I've ever met. I think she's exactly what I need now, or always. I know she's younger, but I feel like I'm still stuck at the age when everything happened. I think being with someone growing out of it is the only way for me to do so as well. I just need someone to follow out of this stage and Chelsea knows exactly what she wants and what she's doing and I can't help following her."
He tried to test another step in my direction, but I pushed myself backwards so fast I ended up falling on her bed. I felt myself panic as my body met the mattress, feeling just as trapped as I had at his place when I fell back on my appointed bed and he kept coming closer.
The same memory seemed to strike him because he quickly moved backwards towards the door, as far away as he could get from me.
"I'm so sorry, Katie." I saw his body tremble. "You have no idea how sorry I am and how I'll never forgive myself for what I did. I really thought I would never even try to get close to someone again, but Chelsea was so unexpected. Everything about her is unexpected, even her friends, apparently."
Was he trying to joke? Was I about to smile and forget what he'd done that night and remember him for everything before?
I needed to leave.
"I tried to tell her, you know?" His voice trembled. "I told her I'd done horrible things, but she wouldn't let me tell her about them, she said she didn't care and I wanted to believe so badly that I could be with someone who truly didn't care to know, who forgave without knowing. I just really wanted a second chance without having the regrets and shame of my first one known or judged, yet not a secret that hurt her."
He moved his sleeve across his face, wiping his tears.
"You had a roof over your head when you were with me, safety, food, rest, a friend, peace, and I took all of that away from you, so you have every right to take her away from me. You ran away for a second chance and I took it away, so it's only fair that you take away mine." He breathed heavily for a moment. "But please don't... I need her in my life, Katie. And I've been doing so well I think I might deserve her someday."
The silence stretched on for too long.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" He asked.
I didn't know if he wanted me to say that I forgave him, that I thought he deserved a second chance, or that I wasn't going to tell Chelsea, but I couldn't say anything at the moment, I just wanted to leave.
"Can I go?" My voice was a whisper, but he heard it and his shoulders drooped.
"Of course," he moved away from the door, but I couldn't walk closer to him and he quickly realized that. "I really am sorry, Katie. I don't know what else to say." He opened the door and left.
I gave him some time to leave, to be away so that I wouldn't have to see him again, then I walked out and rushed down the stairs and out of the door.
"Katie? Katie!" I turned around and found Chad chasing after me. "What happened?" He asked when he looked at my face.
"I-I..." I stuttered for a moment, then broke down crying.
"What's wrong?" He pulled me to him.
We were outside, but anyone could've walked outside or looked through the windows and seen us together like that. I tried to calm down and pull away, but the memories or the hormones or the party or his words were too much.
"Can we please just go?" I asked, shaking.
"Did someone say
something to you?"
"No, no," I sniffed, "it's not that. It's... Seth." I hadn't said his name out loud in so long, not since I told Chad about him when he was the first person to ask.
"Chelsea's boyfriend?" He asked. "I met him when Chelsea said you went to the bathroom. He seemed cool. Did he say something to you?"
"No, Chad, he's Seth,"
"What do-?" He stopped as the memory hit him as well. "Her Seth is the same Seth that...?" He trailed off as I nodded.
"Please, let's just go," I begged, but Chad was shaking with anger and, instead of walking further away from the house, I watched in horror as he ran back inside.
"Chad!" I called after him, but he wasn't listening or seeing anything anymore.
I walked through the door and instantly saw Seth in the middle of the living room, talking to Chelsea who looked furious, I assumed he was telling her that he was leaving after she threw that party just for him. He was leaving, I would never see him again, there was no need for anything to happen.
One second, I was looking at Seth standing in the middle of the living room in the center of everybody else. The next, Chad's fist collided with his face and he was on the floor while Chelsea screamed in shock.
"Chad!" I rushed towards him, "Please, don't do this,"
He was getting ready to jump on top of Seth and follow throw with his assault in front of Chelsea who really liked him, in front of everyone who would ask too many questions I didn't want answered.
He wasn't listening to me, he wasn't seeing me.
I stepped right in front of him, blocking Seth from his view.
"Katie, move," he spoke throw clenched teeth, his body still shaking.
I didn't know what to do, but I just wanted the pain caused by me to end, I just wanted Seth to leave safely, I just didn't want Chad to get hurt back, I just wanted to leave.
I didn't know what to do, so I just hoped that Chad hadn't been exaggerating when he said that he forgot about everything around him and couldn't feel anything else when I kissed him.
I didn't know what to do, so I kissed him. And that was how everybody found out about us.
My Baby
