But now came the hard part. What would Allie expect of him? And what could he truly give her? He couldn’t go through a normal courtship with her because of his secret. Who he truly was. Oh, it might work for a while. But then, she would start to question why he had to go camping with the boys, every month. She would start to notice when his clothes were shredded, after turning, especially if it happened spontaneously. He could try to hide it from her, but the truth would come out, eventually.
He wasn’t the same as other men. Would she recoil, in disgust? Or simply refuse to believe it, running as far from him as she could?
He couldn’t bear the thought of it.
And then, there was the reality that even if he managed to keep it from her, he would change. If they permanently mated, he would lose his ability to shift. And as much as he had struggled with who he truly was, he resisted that thought. The wolf was a part of him. How could he let it go, forever?
It seemed he was going to hurt her, whatever he did. He couldn’t avoid it now. When he had made the decision to be with her like this, it had been like opening Pandora’s Box.
He stared at her, swallowing hard. She was so beautiful, and he had never felt this way towards a woman before. Like he wanted to be with her all the time. Like he wanted to protect her, make sure that nothing bad ever happened to her. Was he losing his grip?
“Now comes the hard part,” she said, staring back at him. “Do you want me to look away while you make your excuses and climb out of my bed?”
“No,” he said slowly. “I’m not going to do that to you. You must know how special last night was. It’s just…” he struggled to find the right words. “It’s just…complicated. I am complicated, and I don’t know if I can give you anything more than what we shared last night.”
She flinched slightly. “You haven’t asked me if I want anything more, Caleb. I might be just as complicated as you.”
“Is there someone else?” he quietly asked. The thought of it filled him with pain, but he had no right to be angry about it. He thought again of the photo of her and the guy Pete, in the snow. What were they to one another?
“There was,” she said, slowly, her hands picking at the sheet. “Pete was his name. Still is, of course. We were childhood sweethearts. Went to the prom together. Sat next to each other in high school chem. The whole catastrophe.” She stared ahead, not looking at him.
“What happened?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Life. He wanted to stay in Worwood, and I had bigger plans. I went to college, and he stayed behind. We just drifted apart, and then I got wind that he was seeing someone else.” She took a deep breath. “So, I ended it. That was a year ago, and I haven’t been with anyone since. Until now, of course.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Sorry that you went through that pain.”
“It happens, right?” She smiled, staring straight at him. “No need for violins. I have let it go, honestly. But it has made me a bit unwilling to trust, again. I am wary, Caleb. It’s why I have fought against what was happening between us.” She paused. “When you say it’s complicated for you, is that what you mean, as well? That there is someone in your past, or present?”
He smiled ruefully. “No. That’s not what I meant. If only it were that simple.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I just don’t know that it’s the right time for me, Allie. It’s the timing. There are things in my life that don’t allow me to have a normal relationship. Not like you deserve, at any rate.”
She frowned, staring at him. “What things?”
He hesitated, not knowing what to say. “Career,” he lamely said. “I am very focused on that.” He took a deep breath. “There’s other things, but I can’t talk about them. Just know that they are very real, and I can’t shrug them off.”
She kept frowning. “Is it something to do with when I saw you the other night? I know that it was you, Caleb, going into that warehouse. Are you involved in something illegal?”
He smiled, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I lied about that. It just seemed…safer, for you. Not to know. Don’t worry, it’s not anything illegal. But I can’t give you any more information about it.” He paused, staring at her hard. “Can you trust me on that?”
Allie kept staring at him. Why couldn’t he tell her?
“Allie,” he said, taking her hand. “I don’t know what will happen between us. You have no idea how much I want to take you in my arms, now, and ask you to be my girl. But I can’t. I just can’t.”
“It’s alright, Caleb,” she said in a shaky voice. “Like I said, I don’t know if I want a relationship at the moment, either. So, we are square.” She took a deep breath. “What I want right now is a shower.” She started to step out of the bed, but he stopped her, laying a hand on her arm.
“Can I make us some breakfast?” he said, staring at her. “I’m pretty good at an omelette, if you have the stuff. Or I can go out and buy it for us. Get us a couple of coffees at the same time. We can keep talking about our next plan of attack with this illness.”
She smiled. “That sounds great. I need coffee.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t have anything, so if you can let yourself out and grab what’s needed, that’s fine. Take the key.”
She gathered her clothes for the day and walked out of the bedroom. In the shower, she turned the hot water on high, letting it pierce her skin like a thousand tiny needles. She heard the front door open and close when he left.
Allie grabbed the loofah, scrubbing herself vigorously, trying to ignore the hot salty tears that spilled down her face, washing down into the drain with the swirling water.
She didn’t know why she was crying. It was sensible, what he had said. And it was true that she was not a hundred percent sure that she was ready to be in another relationship. And besides that, he refused to tell her what was going on his life. If she was going to have a relationship, she needed him to be honest with her. She couldn’t be with someone who was keeping secrets.
So, if it was the right thing, why did it hurt so much?
***
He was whisking eggs in a bowl when she came into the living room, still towelling her hair dry. She smiled, despite herself. She had half expected that he let himself out and just walked home.
Sitting down at the table, she stared at him. He was like a dervish in the kitchen, simultaneously whisking eggs while putting a pan on the stove. He looked good, like he belonged there. Like he should be doing this every morning.
She could get used to it.
He slid the finished omelettes onto plates and carried them over to the table. Allie took a sip of the large takeout coffee he had bought for her, studying the plate in front of her. He had done an excellent job, by the look of it. She could see cheese melted through it, and was that fresh basil? A better effort than what she could have produced, at any rate, but then cooking had never been her forte.
He sat down beside her, picking up the salt shaker. He sprinkled it liberally over his meal.
“You should watch that,” she said, smiling. “Too much salt isn’t good for your blood pressure.”
“Thanks for the tip,” he said, passing it to her. “I’ve always been a bit free with it.”
She took a bite of her omelette. “This is really good, Caleb. I think you’ve missed your calling.”
He smiled. “My speciality,” he said, staring at her. “I don’t cook much, normally. In fact, I eat way too much takeout. You’re kind of spoiled for choice when you live in the city, and everything is right at your doorstep.”
She nodded, taking another mouthful. “I can see how easy it would be to fall into that pattern,” she said. “Especially living alone. It seems pointless cooking for one.” She paused, glancing at him. “Do you live alone, or do you share?”
“I share,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. “With four other guys. It’s messy, but it works.”
She smiled. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking about it. So much cheaper, and I
would get to meet people. Make some friends.” She stared down at her plate. “It just seemed easier to get my own place to start with. Less daunting.”
She had a sudden vision of living with Caleb. Sitting at a table, every morning and evening, and sharing a meal. She could picture it so vividly in her mind, it was painful. She had to stop doing this. He had been very clear about what he wanted, and where he was at in his life. It wouldn’t do any good picturing what might be. It was just a fantasy. A dangerous fantasy.
She realised, suddenly, that she had never felt so strongly about a man. It was like she would die if she never saw him again. She took another bite of her omelette, trying to fight it.
“I got your car fixed, by the way,” he said. “I picked it up for you when I was out. Brand new battery, which should last you awhile. You don’t want to be breaking down on these city streets, if you can help it.”
She stared down at her plate, feeling tears almost overwhelm her again. He was so caring and protective of her. She knew that she could cope on her own, and she valued her independence. But it was nice knowing that someone had her back, from time to time.
“How much?” she said, keeping the tears back. “For the battery and the mechanic.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Think of it as a welcoming gift to the city.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t. It’s not fair.”
“Allie,” he said, reaching over to take her hand. “It’s okay. I don’t expect anything in return. I’m just so glad that I found you last night, and you’re safe.” He squeezed her hand. “I want to keep it that way.”
She smiled. “A gift, then. Thank you.”
She picked up her knife and fork, forcing herself to finish the rest of the omelette. Her appetite seemed to have suddenly vanished. It had suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks.
She was in love with Caleb Stone. And she could never tell him.
Chapter Thirteen
He was speaking. Allie could see that his mouth was open and words were coming out of it. But she couldn’t seem to hear them, as hard as she tried.
I love him, she thought, wondrously. I am in love with Caleb Stone.
How was it possible? She hadn’t known him very long, and in the time that she had, it had mostly been in a work capacity. She barely knew anything about him, and he was reluctant to share even the most fundamental details of his life with her. He had just told her that he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship. She should be protecting herself, making sure that her heart was not in danger, especially after all her work to put Pete behind her.
She had tried. She had been fighting her intense attraction to him from the moment she had laid eyes on him. But it was as if she had been trying to stop a dam collapsing and the river gushing through.
It had been impossible.
“Allie?” Caleb stared at her. “Are you alright?”
She nodded. “Yes,” she said, faintly. “I’m sorry, I was a million miles away. What were you saying?”
He gazed at her intently but let it pass. “I was saying that since its Saturday, the office will be deserted. I think that we should go in and do some more work. I have a plan.”
She took a deep breath, trying to focus. “What plan?”
He paused, picking up his coffee and taking a long sip. “I’ll tell you when we get there,” he said. “I’m not sure if you will be agreeable, but I think that things are getting a bit desperate, and we have to push things along.”
She stared at him, mystified. “I suppose.” She stood up. “Thank you for breakfast. You really shouldn’t have.”
He frowned. “I wanted to, Allie.” He stood up, too. “Are you sure you’re alright? You look pale.”
“Perfectly fine,” she said, attempting to smile. “Just trying to compute everything that has happened, I guess. Last night on the streets, and then…what has happened between us.”
His eyes darkened slightly. “I don’t regret it,” he fiercely stated. “And neither should you. It was wonderful, Allie.”
She nodded, taking a deep breath. “Yes, it was. But that was then, and this is now, isn’t it? And I must focus on work, as you say.” She paused. “Shall I drive us both there?”
He shook his head. “You go, and I’ll meet you there. Let’s say in about half an hour?”
“Okay.” She stared down at the table. “Can I at least drop you home, on the way? It would be quicker for you, and it’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.”
He smiled but shook his head. “I have a few things to do before that I don’t want to bother you with. I’ll call a cab.” He stared at her. “But thanks for the offer.”
She nodded, gazing at him. Why did she get the distinct impression that he didn’t want her to know where he lived? His insistence on calling a cab to get home made no sense. If they were both heading in the same direction anyway, what did it matter? And it would save him time.
Her heart sank. He was protecting himself, and his life. He really meant it when he said he didn’t want her to know anything about him.
It hurt.
“Okay.” She picked up her plate, bringing it to the kitchen sink. “I’ll see you there in half an hour, then.”
Caleb hesitated, gazing at her. Then he nodded, quickly, walking toward the front door. “I put your phone on your charger for you last night. The new battery in your car should be fine, but there could be an underlying problem that caused the old one to lose charge so suddenly. If you have any difficulties, call me, okay?”
“Sure,” she said. “I’m positive it will all be good. See you there.”
He nodded again and then walked out the door without a backward glance.
Allie leaned against the kitchen counter, feeling as if all the air had gone out of her lungs. He had walked away as if nothing had passed between them last night. He hadn’t even come into the kitchen to kiss her before he left.
He really didn’t want to get involved with her. It was so obvious it was blinding.
Stupid, she told herself. You are stupid, Allie. Letting your heart open to a man like Caleb Stone. A man with secrets, who has no intention of telling you what they are. A man who has spelled it out in black and white that he doesn’t want to get involved, and still you are hoping.
It was pathetic.
She sighed, straightening her shoulders. She was smart and independent. She could handle this. First and foremost, they had a job to do together. She would just have to nurse her heart through this. As soon as it was over, Caleb Stone would leave, and she would never see him again.
She could handle it. She had no choice.
***
Allie smiled in greeting to Bruce, the security guard at the door.
“Morning, Allie,” he said, his eyebrows raising quizzically. “What brings you here on a Saturday? I thought everyone would be at the parade this weekend. Did you leave something in the office?”
Allie’s smile widened. “No rest for the wicked, I’m afraid. I thought I would do some work.” She looked around. She couldn’t see Caleb’s car parked in his usual spot. “Is Mr. Stone here? I’m expecting him.”
“No, I haven’t seen him,” he replied. “So, he’s expected? When he comes I’ll let him in.”
“Thanks, Bruce,” said Allie, walking into the building.
Allie stared around at the deserted office. It was very different being in here on a Saturday. Usually there were people everywhere and the air was filled with the sound of chatter. Now, she could hear her boots on the slate floor echoing around the large space.
She glanced at her watch, quickly. It had been over forty-five minutes since Caleb had left her apartment. Where was he? There was a limited amount that she could do here without him. She had already tested all the samples, and he had told her that he would explain what his new plan was when they were here.
The door opened, and he rushed in, smiling at her apologetically.
“Sorry,” he called. “It all took a bit longer than I expected.” He paused, coming to stand in front of her. “And I had to take a different way because of the parade. How did your car go?”
“Fine,” she said, a bit breathlessly. It hadn’t been that long since they had seen each other, and yet the sight of him bowled her over.
He was so tall, and handsome. That black hair, and those impossible green eyes. Images of their night together flooded into her mind, warming her blood.
Stop it, she told herself. Just stop!
“Now, what’s this new plan of yours?” she said quickly.
“I’ll make us a coffee,” he said. “Sit down, and I’ll explain it to you.”
They walked into the common area, and she sat at the table while he made them coffee. By the time he sat beside her, putting their drinks on the table, she had composed herself.
“I want to get a spinal fluid sample from one of the patients,” he said. “I tried yesterday, as you know, but I was tied up by red tape.” He took a deep breath, staring at her. “We need Dr. Morgan’s authorisation, but he’s not going to give it. He’s convinced that we are going down the wrong path, and he won’t budge. I think that we should just say that we have it.”
Allie stared at him. “How is that possible? They will check. And besides, I’m not sure if I feel comfortable going behind his back like that. He is the director of this facility, and my boss.”
Caleb stared back at her. “There are ways,” he said vaguely. “I can do it, and I will take full responsibility for it when the time comes. You will not be implicated in any way, I will make very sure of that. Your job is secure, Allie.”
She continued staring at him. “I don’t know, Caleb. He will be very angry when he finds out, and I wouldn’t blame him.”
“He will,” said Caleb. “But I will wear it, like I said. And if we find something, and it resolves this situation, then it would be for the best, wouldn’t it? People are very sick, Allie. People are dying. We owe it to the city of Covenester to pursue every angle. The city population is our priority, not Dr. Morgan’s pride.”
Wild Keepers Page 15
