by Brian Yorkey
(Henry stops and turns back to her.)
HENRY: Uh. You’re kind of a confusing person.
NATALIE: You should meet my mother.
(She attacks the keys.
Music.
Lights.
Doctor Fine appears, in glasses, with clipboard, rumpled and world-weary. Diana listens.)
DOCTOR FINE: The pink ones are taken with food but not with the white ones. The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones but not with the triangle yellow ones. The triangle yellow ones are taken with the oblong green ones with food but not with the pink ones. If a train is leaving New York at a hundred and twenty miles an hour and another train is leaving St. Petersburg at the same time but going backwards, which train . . .
(Dan walks back out to the car.
Doctor Fine fades as Dan sings:)
who’s crazy / my psychopharmacologist and i
DAN:
Who’s crazy? The husband or wife?
Who’s crazy? To live their whole life
Believing that somehow things aren’t as bizarre as they are?
Who’s crazy—the one who can’t cope,
Or maybe the one who’ll still hope?
The one who sees doctors or the one who just waits in the car?
And I was
A wild twenty-five,
And I loved
A wife so alive,
But now I believe I would settle
For one who can drive.
DOCTOR FINE: The round blue ones with food but not with the oblong white ones. The white ones with the round yellow ones but not with the trapezoidal green ones. Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel.
(He continues, if necessary, until Diana interrupts:)
[Use a mortar and pestle to grind into a fine powder and sprinkle the powder over a bowl of ice cream . . . ]
(Diana sings as Doctor Fine silently continues his litany:)
DIANA:
My psychopharmacologist and I . . .
It’s like an odd romance.
Intense and very intimate,
We do our dance.
My psychopharmacologist and I . . .
Call it a lover’s game.
He knows my deepest secrets—
I know his . . . name.
And though he’ll never hold me
He’ll always take my calls.
It’s truly like he told me:
Without a little lift,
The ballerina falls.
(Music changes to a jazz waltz.
In shadows, the voices [Natalie, Dan, Henry and Gabe] gather around, scatting.
Doctor Fine and Diana change positions: it’s another week.)
DOCTOR FINE: Goodman, Diana. Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Sixteen-year history of medication. Adjustment after one week.
DIANA: I’ve got less anxiety, but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can’t feel my toes.
DOCTOR FINE: So we’ll try again, and eventually we’ll get it right.
DIANA: Not a very exact science, is it?
(Now the Voices sing a radio advertisement—perhaps with visual aids.)
VOICES:
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax . . .
Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac . . .
Ativan calms me when I see the bills—
These are a few of my favorite pills.
(The Voices disappear.)
DIANA: Oh, thank you, Doctor. Valium is my favorite color. How’d you know?
(This time Henry is playing piano in the practice room, and Natalie joins him. He’s playing the same jazz waltz we’ve been hearing.)
NATALIE: It’s just that the thing with jazz is, how do you ever know if you got it right? It’s just making shit up.
HENRY: Which is also known as the act of creation.
NATALIE: Oh. You’re one of those pretentious stoner types.
HENRY: That’s totally unfair. I’m not pretentious. And I’m definitely not classical. It’s so rigid and structured. There’s no room for improvisation. You have to play the notes on the page.
NATALIE: Yes, and what did Mozart know, anyway? He should have just smoked a bowl and jammed on “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”
HENRY: Yeah, let’s do that!
(Doctor Fine is taking notes again.)
DOCTOR FINE: Goodman, Diana. Second adjustment after three weeks. Delusions less frequent but depressive state worse.
DIANA: I’m nauseous and I’m constipated. Completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds. Which, you know, is just not fair.
(Doctor Fine and the Voices help Diana read the side-effects labels.
They pass many large pill bottles among them, slowly at first, then faster, then tossing, then juggling.)
DOCTOR FINE AND VOICES:
May cause the following side effects,
One or more:
DOCTOR FINE:VOICES:
Dizziness, drowsiness,
Sexual dysfunction,
Headaches and tremors, Diarrhea, constipation,
And nightmares and seizures, Nervous laughter, palpitations,
DIANA, DOCTOR FINE AND VOICES:
Anxiousness, anger,
Exhaustion, insomnia,
Irritability,
Nausea, vomiting,
DIANA:
Odd and alarming sexual feelings.
DIANA, DOCTOR FINE AND VOICES:
Oh, and one last thing—
(All the bottles fall to the floor.)
DOCTOR FINE:
Use may be fatal . . .
GABE:
Use may be fatal . . .
DAN:
Use may be fatal . . .
(As if evading responsibility, the Voices wander away.
Split scene:
Doctor Fine back with Diana.
While in the piano room, Henry and Natalie sit closer.)
DOCTOR FINE (Writing): Goodman, Diana. Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression.
DIANA: I now can’t feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason.
NATALIE: I’ve wasted, like, weeks of practice with you in here. Improvising.
HENRY: Oscar Peterson was classically trained.
NATALIE: Beethoven did cocaine.
HENRY: Miles Davis went to Juilliard.
NATALIE: Mozart wrote poems about farts.
(Henry and Natalie are now very close . . . )
DIANA: Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Although whether that’s the medicine or the marriage is anybody’s guess.
DOCTOR FINE: I’m sure it’s the medicine.
DIANA (Flattered): Oh, thank you, that’s very sweet. But my husband’s waiting in the car.
(. . . but instead of kissing, Henry and Natalie play furiously, four hands.
Lights on Dan, waiting in the car.)
DAN:
Who’s crazy?
The one who’s half-gone?
Or maybe
The one who holds on?
Remembering when she was twenty and brilliant and bold,
And I was so young and so dumb, and now I am . . . old.
DAN:DIANA:
And she was And though he’ll never hold me,
Wicked and wired.
The sex was He’ll always take my calls.
Simply inspired.
Now there’s no sex, she’s depressed, It’s truly like he told me—
And me I’m just tired. Without a little lift
Tired. tired. tired. The ballerina falls.
DAN:DIANA:
Who’s crazy— My psychopharmacologist and I,
The one who’s uncured? Together side by side . . .
Or maybe the one who’s endured? Without him
The one who has treatments, or the I’d die . . .
One who just lives with the pain? My psychopharmacologist and I.
(Diana is frozen in a waltz dip with Doctor Fine.
Gabe, Natalie and Henry disappear.
Dan is left alone again.)
DAN:
They say love is blind, but believe me—love is insane.
(Doctor Fine lifts Diana to her feet.
Dan leaves the car and goes to retrieve her.)
DOCTOR FINE: Goodman, Diana. Seven weeks.
DIANA: I don’t feel like myself. I mean, I don’t feel anything.
DOCTOR FINE (Grunts, then writes): Hmpf. Patient stable.
(Lights.
Music.
Henry and Natalie in his bedroom. He’s packing the bowl of a big-ass bong.)
NATALIE: Your mom is, like, in the next room.
HENRY: She’s in denial—it’s totally convenient.
(He takes a hit from the bong, then offers it. Natalie just looks at it, then him.)
Dude. It’s therapeutic.
NATALIE: Right, it’s medical marijuana to treat your ADD.
HENRY (Takes another hit, then): Totally . . . huh?
NATALIE: I don’t put anything into my mouth that’s on fire.
HENRY: I guess that’s a good rule.
(He goes to kiss her. She pulls away abruptly.)
NATALIE: Look. I can’t do this. Not with my life. I’m like one fuckup from disaster.
(Music changes.)
HENRY: Your life is not a disaster. The environment is a disaster. Sprint is a disaster.
NATALIE: You’re stoned.
perfect for you
HENRY:Our planet is poisoned, the oceans, the air,
Around and beneath and above you.
NATALIE:Um, Henry, that’s true, and I totally care—
HENRY:I’m trying to tell you I love you.
NATALIE: What?
HENRY:
The world is at war, filled with death and disease—
We dance on the edge of destruction.
The globe’s getting warmer by deadly degrees—
NATALIE:And this is one fucked-up seduction.
HENRY:This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair . . .
But one thing is working
If you’re standing there.
Perfect for you . . .
I could be perfect for you.
I might be lazy, a loner,
A bit of a stoner—it’s true.
But I might be perfect—
I’ll make myself perfect . . .
Perfect for you.
(As the music builds, Henry’s bedroom goes away.)
You square all the corners, I straighten the curves.
NATALIE:You’ve got some nerve, Henry, and I’m just all nerves.
HENRY:But even if everything else turns to dirt,
HENRY AND NATALIE:We’ll be the one thing in this world that won’t hurt.
HENRY:I can’t fix what’s fucked-up,
But one thing I know I can do . . .
I can be perfect for you.
NATALIE:I can be perfect for you.
NATALIE AND HENRY:Perfect for you.
(At last, they kiss.
Lights.
Music continues under.
They’re on Natalie’s front porch.)
HENRY: Nice house. Can I come in?
NATALIE: Oh my, no.
HENRY: Okay.
(They kiss again.
Diana is watching out a window. Gabe finds her and looks over her shoulder.)
GABE: Are you spying on your own daughter?
DIANA: When did she get a boyfriend? How did I miss this?
GABE: Well . . . you kind of miss a lot.
DIANA: Do you think they’re in love?
GABE: Who knows? They’re young, they’re horny . . . it happens.
(Gabe goes. Dan appears, wearing a rugby shirt very much like the one Henry wears. It is years ago.)
DAN: Marry me.
DIANA: What?
DAN: Marry me. Let’s have a family. I know, we’re too young, but we’re not, I’m almost twenty-two, and how do you know this isn’t a sign saying we belong together?
DIANA: How do you know it’s not a sign saying get new rubbers?
DAN: Because I know it’s not. I love you, and this baby—
DIANA: Dan. This is crazy.
NATALIE (Overlapping): This is crazy.
DAN AND HENRY: Maybe it is.
(Diana hears Henry and wakes from her reverie. She watches intently as Natalie and Henry kiss again.
Music changes.
Henry and Dan go.
Natalie hurries into the house, stops short when she sees Diana, and realizes she’s been watching. Natalie looks stricken, then disappears into her room.
Diana watches her go.)
i miss the mountains
DIANA:There was a time when I flew higher,
Was a time the wild girl running free
Would be me.
Now I see her feel the fire,
Now I know she needs me there to share—
I’m nowhere.
All these blank and tranquil years—
Seems they’ve dried up all my tears.
And while she runs free and fast,
Seems my wild days are past.
But I miss the mountains.
I miss the dizzy heights.
All the manic, magic days,
And the dark, depressing nights.
(She goes to her medicine cabinet and begins to take out a passel of pill bottles . . .)
I miss the mountains,
I miss the highs and lows,
All the climbing, all the falling,
All the while the wild wind blows,
Stinging you with snow
And soaking you with rain—
I miss the mountains,
I miss the pain.
(. . . and opens them . . .)
Mountains make you crazy—
Here it’s safe and sound.
My mind is somewhere hazy—
My feet are on the ground.
Everything is balanced here
And on an even keel.
Everything is perfect—
Nothing’s real . . .
Nothing’s real.
(. . . and pours them in the toilet.)
And I miss the mountains.
I . . . I miss the lonely climb.
Wand’ring through the wilderness
And spending all my time
Where the air is clear
And cuts you like a knife—
I miss the mountains . . .
I miss the mountains . . .
I miss my life.
I miss my life.
(Music ends. Gabe enters.)
GABE: You sure about this, Mom?
DIANA: You think it’s a bad idea.
GABE: I think it’s a great idea. I think you’re brave.
DIANA: What will your father think?
GABE: Nothing. If he doesn’t know.
(He reaches out and gives the toilet a flush.
Lights, suddenly, and music.
Dan appears, joined by exuberant Voices.)
it’s gonna be good
DAN AND VOICES:It’s gonna be good good good . . .
It’s gonna be good good good . . .
It’s gonna be good!
G . . . O . . . O . . . D good!
(Dan’s at work.)
DAN:It’s gonna be good!
It’s gonna be good.
Two weeks and it’s all working
Just the way I knew it would—
And I don’t sit at work just waiting for the phone to ring!
It’s a good good good good thing.
(He stares at the phone a moment, and another moment, and then suddenly can’t stand it any longer, grabs, and dials.)
VOICES:Ring! A-ling!
Ring! A-ling!
(Diana, at home, is on the other end, as Dan fades.)
DIANA: Hello? Oh, hi! Everything’s great here, sweetie. Fantastic. I disinfected the entire house, rewired the computer, and did so
me decoupage. Okay. Buh-bye.
(Hangs up the phone.)
Hmm. Next. I think I’ll retile the roof!
(She goes, and Dan is in his car, on a different day.)
DAN:It’s gonna be great!
It’s gonna be great.
The sex is still amazing
And we don’t stay up that late.
It’s almost been a month and she’s as happy as a clam . . .
Do I look great? I am.
(Music changes.
Lights.
Natalie and Henry are on her porch, again.)
NATALIE: I’d ask you in, but it’s too soon.
HENRY: We’ve been going out for nine weeks and three days. Don’t I get to meet your family?
NATALIE: You keep count? You’re so the girl. And no.
(But Dan emerges from inside and catches them, as Gabe watches.)
