by C. Lymari
“You had a nightmare,” he croaked.
I gulped and nodded. It’d been a few months, but my nightmares were a part of me.
“I’m okay.”
Gavin shook his head and gave me a sad smile.
“Don’t lie to me. Not anymore. Not today,” he pleaded. He kissed my temple, his lips lingering. “You remember last year?”
I leaned against his chest, relishing his warmth. How could I forget it? It was right after my parents had passed. A month after, to be precise. I’d gone to school because I didn’t want to be alone, and Gigi had stayed home that day because she was sick. I was so lonely, sad, and tired when I heard someone say I needed to stop being so depressing. I lost it. I screamed because it was suffocating me to stay quiet. My whole world got pulled out of me, and no one cared.
I slammed my desk and threw my books. I had a tantrum in the middle of class. I lost it in front of everyone. I remembered running out. Gavin had found me in the south exit as I was pressed against the wall crying. He’d held me like he was doing now.
“God, Scar, I don’t know how you’re doing it. I know it’s not easy, but if you need anything, call me. Talk to me. Just use me.”
I burrowed closer to Gavin, closing my eyes tightly. I didn’t call him. I didn’t need him, but I did use him. In that stairwell, with my eyes full of tears and my heart bleeding, I kissed Gavin. It was only three seconds, but at that moment, the pain stopped.
“I remember it all,” I mumbled before I fell asleep.
Gavin
I should have gone home. Anywhere rather than in Scarlett’s room while she slept. I always said I wanted her alone, and in a bed, but this was not what I had imagined. Yet I relished the feeling of her body pressed against mine.
I was worried when she didn’t show up to class, so when Dylan said she was a no-show, I ditched and came here. I knew Nick wasn’t home, so maybe I just wanted alone time with Scarlett. It’d been too long since it had been just her and me.
She looked sick as fuck, and still she was a beauty. Her long, curled lashes, her lips, and her wavy hair. It all drove me crazy because I had no claim to her. I got frustrated earlier, but not at her. I wanted to make her some food, to take care of her, but she didn’t have anything. So, I left in a hurry because I was scared that if I brought it up, she would kick me out.
When I came back, she was knocked out. I’d heard from Nick she had nightmares; I’d just never witnessed one. I couldn’t imagine being in a car with my parents, having them blow up, only for me to wake up when it was just ashes remaining. I was about to run my fingers through Scarlett’s hair when my phone rang. It was probably for the best I didn’t touch her more than I already was.
Gigi: Where are you? Jordy saw you in econs?
Instead of answering Gigi, I went to the living room so I could continue to work on the project. It took everything in me to let go of Scar at that moment. She was the one thing I wanted most since I was a boy, and about one of the only things I couldn’t have. Instead, I got lost in the project, wishing it could be real.
“I’m so sorry. I fell asleep.” Scarlett came out about an hour later, wrapped in a blanket.
“It’s okay, Mrs. Dunn, I got you covered.” I looked down before I could see her shut down to the stupid nickname. “We’re almost done. We just need to go over our annual budget and your contribution to the house.”
Scarlett took a seat next to me so she could see the papers. “You mean I have to do more than just be a WAG?”
Her Valley Girl tone made me laugh. She then turned to me and smiled. And I’m not talking about one of those fake-ass smiles she gave me when she greeted me. This one took my breath away, and I had to look away before I did something stupid like kiss her.
“For the project, yeah. Personally, I wouldn’t care what you did or didn’t do as long as you were by my side.” The words came out before I could filter them.
“Gavin.” She said my name like she always did. Like she hated speaking that word.
Suddenly, I couldn’t take it. I jumped up from the floor, because soon I would break and I would start to touch her. Scarlett stared at me, her eyes wide and her lips a little parted.
“Do you regret it? Do you regret telling me no?”
“Gav—” she started to say, but I cut her off.
“Yes or no.”
She licked her lips, then looked anywhere but me. My shoulders sagged.
“No.” Her throaty tone made the words jarring.
“We should get a good grade,” I said as I went for my coat. “The semester is almost over; you don’t have to put up with me.”
I was almost at the door when she called my name.
“Gavin.”
I didn’t bother to look at her, because I knew how she’d look at me. I’d had her profile memorized since I was a kid.
I opened the door, but before I walked out, I said, “I wish you did. Every fucking time I think back to any of those days, I wish things would have turned out different.”
Nine
Prom
Regret: one word, six letters, and a lifetime of different emotions. For the last six months, my life had been full of regret. I thought I was dealing with my parents’ deaths, but all I was doing was suppressing the feelings. Funny how it took alcohol to my lips to make my mind clear.
The night was surprisingly warm now that summer was near. The faint heat caressed my skin, making me seek comfort in the night. I was seated on a log facing away from the flames of the bonfire. I was feeling good tonight, and the last thing I needed to remember was my parents’ car in flames as I woke up from my drunken haze. Instead, I faced the lake, cursing the length of my black prom dress because it didn’t let me move quickly.
There was a party going on behind me, yet I felt better being the girl who got drunk alone. All night I had to watch Gigi and Gavin laugh together, embrace each other. My saving grace was that I wasn’t at their table. People tell you all the time that the friends you have now won’t be there by the time you leave for college. Well, it was true. In the last semester, my best friend and I drifted apart. For a while, it felt like I was the only one keeping us together, so I let her go. In a way, I guess it felt like a breakup. It was like losing a part of yourself and wondering how you fit so perfectly in the first place.
A part of me blamed Gavin. After he left my house that day, he didn’t speak to me again. His eyes wouldn’t seek mine, and he wouldn’t come near if Gigi were with me. He completely cut me out of his life. Not like I could blame him. At least that meant it didn’t hurt.
“You want another drink?” Dylan stumbled to where I was sitting, nursing a beer while looking at the moonlight overcasting the lake.
“I should sober up,” I said.
I didn’t pay attention to what Dylan said as he went to rejoin the party. He had been my date for prom. He basically forced me to come, and my brother agreed to it. They said I would regret it if I didn’t show. I knew regret, knew how it sunk into your bones and made you weak. Missing prom would never do that. Do you know what did? Getting so fucking drunk and calling my parents to pick me up from a party. Had I not called, they’d still be alive.
Finishing the drink I had in my hand, I walked to the lake. My legs were taking me in one step at a time. The water was cold; the lake had not lost the coolness from the winter yet, but that didn’t stop me. It was like I could barely feel the harsh cold against my skin.
Mostly everyone had run to the lake once we arrived at the party only to run back out, but not me. It was dark enough that no one could see me as I started to walk farther into the water. The water was to my hips, and by now, the cold began to leave goose bumps against my upper body.
I closed my eyes, and I remembered the heat from the car burning, the heavy smoke that was in my lungs. I couldn’t breathe; it felt like I was drowning. My lids felt heavy, and my body was burning up now. I could hear the white noise as if a bomb had gone off. My dad was dead on impact,
his head crushed against the asphalt. We were upside-down, and his window had been opened, leaving him exposed. The blood—God, the blood was everywhere. My mom was in no better shape. She was suspended from her belt, but there was still a lot of blood.
“Goddammit, Scarlett.”
I craned my neck to the side, and I saw shadows. I’d always seen one from whoever pulled me out, but this time it was two. I tried to look—maybe now I would finally understand why my dad lost control.
“Baby, please.”
I turned to the front to see if my mother was still trying to talk to me. In my dreams, she always begged me to get out of the car.
“Open your eyes, baby. Please!”
The plea sounded far away, yet it was right there in my essence into everything that I was. My lungs burned as if I had fire in them.
One second.
My eyes opened, and Gavin was in front of me. He was wet, treading water, and he was holding on to my body.
Two seconds.
His lips were on me, and he was breathing life into me.
Three seconds.
I started to cough the water I had swallowed.
“What the fuck were you doing?” he whispered against my forehead as he held me close to him.
I could hear the pain in his voice; it matched the pain inside my heart.
“I just wanted it to stop.” My words were below a whisper, but he heard them because his body became still. I was growing sleepy, my eyes closing again. “For three seconds at a time, you’ve made me forget.”
I woke up in a dark room. I sat up on the bed I was lying in, gasping for air. My drunkenness was gone, but I remembered the taste of lake water as it suffocated me. My hair was still wet. My dress was nowhere in sight, not that I could see much since it was dark. I was wearing a white T-shirt and nothing more. The clock on the side table read almost three in the morning.
The blinds to the windows were closed, so I opened them to see outside. There were a few people gathered around the bonfire. Dylan was not among them, nor Audrey, but I saw Gavin at the exact same moment he looked up. I let go of the blinds and leaned back against the window. The night’s events started to catch up to me. I was walking, trying to get out of the room, about to leave and go home when the door opened.
Gavin stood there, the light casting a dark shadow over him, and instead of being scared, I found him beautiful. He was so handsome, and he made me feel. I always seemed to forget the feelings he evoked. He walked in and closed the door behind him. I wanted to open my mouth and tell him to leave, but for once, I didn’t want to be alone, even if that meant I would be alone with him.
“Why did you do it?” His voice sounded pained. He brought his hand up and took a sip of the vodka bottle he carried.
“Look, thank you for helping me, but you should go,” I said, trying to sidestep him.
“Helping you?” he gritted out as he stepped closer to me.
I found myself moving to the other side.
“I fucking saved you, Scar.” His chest was rising and falling, and even through the darkness, I could see his eyes glaring at me. “Everyone was too busy partying to notice you were busy dy—”
“I’m here. I’m fine,” I spat.
Gavin let a humorless laugh escape his lips. Somehow, he was now in front of me, and I kept backing up.
“Baby, you aren’t fine. No one seems to see that except for me, and you don’t let me in.”
I looked at the floor because I couldn’t look at him.
“Gigi.” I barely said her name when he cut me off.
“What about her? She never made me feel the way you do. We’re over.”
My breath hitched. I looked at him to see if he was telling the truth or if he was lying, but I think I was past caring.
“I want everything, Scar. I want to consume you inside and out like you have done to me all these years.” He pressed me against the wall, his breath mixed with nicotine and alcohol.
The tuxedo was long gone; he only had a black shirt on, the sleeves rolled up, and the top button was undone. His hair was a little messy, probably from jumping in the lake earlier.
“I want to be the one you kiss when you have a good day.” He got closer, his lips taunting mine, and I got weaker, my resolve to stay away crumbling before my eyes. “I want to be the one you give yourself to when you have a bad day.”
He caged me in between the wall and him. He dipped his head, and he kissed me.
So far, my life had been a moment of seconds, giving me things I couldn’t keep. The kiss was brief, and then he pulled away. Instead of doing the same, I grabbed the bottle he had at my side and chugged. He watched me, not sure what I would do next. I relished the burn the liquid created and let the rest fall to the floor. I pulled Gavin by his collar, noticing his shirt was damp from where he jumped in to save my life. His lips crashed into mine, and I knew I wouldn’t pull away. Not in three seconds, maybe not ever. His hands came to my thighs, and he lifted me.
“You look so good in my shirt,” he murmured against my lips. My response was to run my fingers through his hair and pull. Gavin groaned, his eyes closing in ecstasy.
He laid on me the bed slowly, his knee coming between my legs. I was trying to catch my breath, and so was he.
“We should stop,” he said, his voice strained.
Even when he said we should stop, he still positioned himself over me.
I rose up to meet his lips. I kissed him once, twice, and on the third time, I whispered, “Make the pain stop.”
Gavin groaned as his body pressed against my own. It was warm and burning, tingling and soothing. We stared at each other for three whole seconds, knowing that we were about to change everything. Gavin’s steel eyes darkened with need for me. He kissed me with more hunger; he tasted like desperation. He parted my legs open with his while his hands roamed my tights, and when his eyes landed on my sex, I felt a shiver run through my body.
“Scar.” My name sounded pained from his lips. “We keep going, and I won’t be able to stop.”
“Please don’t,” I whimpered.
“Fuck,” he cursed.
He took off his shirt, and this boy in front of me was nothing like the one I’d kissed at sixteen. His body had changed again, and I had failed to see it. Maybe I hadn’t allowed myself to. I reached for his abdomen, relishing the contours of his body. My fingers trailed the hard ridges of his abdomen, each time going lower.
He pulled back to take off his pants. My eyes widened when his dick sprang free. The only thing between us was his shirt that I wore. He held my eyes as his hands came to the hem of the shirt. I shivered as he pulled it off my body inch by inch.
“Everything about you is beautiful,” he growled before he settled himself above me.
The nervous feeling was welcome—better than being numb. Gavin’s fingers traced the contours of my face, memorizing everything about me.
“I wanted to touch you for so long,” he confessed. “Have you ever done this before?”
He looked me straight in the eyes, waiting for my answer. How could I have done this before when the only person my heart seemed to beat frantically for was unreachable? He might as well have been on the moon.
I shook my head, and I saw him take a relieved breath.
Gavin kissed me again, and I got so lost in the sensation of his lips and the prodding of his tongue that I jumped when I felt his fingers at my entrance.
“You’re wet,” he said as he kissed me. “I’m going to make you wetter.”
He ran two fingers caressingly up and down my slit. Every time he swiped them, he added more pressure until they passed my folds and dipped in my pussy. Gavin groaned at the same time he teased my entrance.
The innocent butterflies I had felt at twelve turned sinful and started to go crazy. A slow burn was taking place inside my belly, and it was spreading to my body. I moaned when Gavin’s index finger circled my clit. He did it again, and I closed my eyes and threw my head b
ack when the sensation became too much. Gavin used the opportunity to kiss my neck. I felt the brush of his lips gliding up and down the curve of my nape. He altered between sucking the skin gently and biting it. He continued his kisses as he moved his way down to my breast. Meanwhile, his fingers kept circling my clit and dipping into my pussy. One of his fingers entered me at the same moment he sucked my nipple into his mouth.
“Gav,” I moaned, not being able to say his full name.
He inserted two fingers when he gently bit my other breast, and my legs opened wider for him.
“You like that?” he asked in a husky tone.
He was back above me, his face a few inches from mine. His finger was moving in a circular motion against my most sensitive part, and all I could do was nod. It felt like I was on fire, one I wanted to be consumed by. His chest rose and fell as his fingers moved faster, and when I came, I opened my mouth to moan, but he was there to swallow my cries. My hips kept jerking after I came because he was still touching me.
“I want to lick your pussy, baby, but I need inside you more,” he said, asking for my permission.
“Please,” I said as I opened up more for him and cupped his cheeks. “Just do it.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Scar,” he whispered as I felt his hardness at my entrance.
It was foreign, but I wasn’t scared. Not with Gav.
“You make me feel,” I said. “Please, Gavin, make me feel.”
That seemed to be all the encouragement he needed because he pushed inside me slowly. It burned as he stretched me. My body was slick and ready for him, but it still adjusted to his length and girth.
“Fuck, you feel like heaven,” he said before he stopped.
We looked at each other, our eyes locking as he broke my innocence. Tears came to my eyes as the pain spread. He dipped his head and kissed the side of my eyes where water had leaked. Gavin moved slowly, in and out, and I held on to him.
Gavin stopped deep inside of me, and he held my gaze.
