by C. Lymari
“Being with you, it was the best I ever had. As a matter of fact, everything I’ve done with you is the best I ever fucking had, but you don’t fucking feel it. You run away from your feelings. You run away from me. I came to you after prom. I fucking came with your favorite coffee and breakfast only to find the bed fucking empty, and then you left town too. Don’t you get fucking tired of running, Scar?”
I felt cold, but there were no shivers in my arms. Breathing was getting harder, and my head felt loud. I couldn’t think properly. Everything was unraveling too fast. I needed peace. I needed to feel okay and safe. So I did the only thing that always made me feel grounded.
On the first second, I took a step toward where Gavin stood still looking pissed. On the second, I pulled him down toward me, and on the third, I kissed him. I told him with my lips everything I couldn’t say with words. Gavin groaned against my mouth while his hand went to my waist and fused me to him.
“You drive me fucking crazy,” he rasped against my lips.
I closed my eyes tightly, the rush from earlier leaving my body. I pulled back from Gav, not meeting his eyes.
“I need to go,” I whispered.
“Go and run away,” he said before he turned around and walked away.
I sat in my car and watched him disappear into the night with tears in my eyes. I drove him crazy, and he made me feel sane. I knew how it felt like to have a war inside your head, and Gavin, he didn’t need that from me.
Eighteen
How can one person bring beauty in their path to destruction? Because Scarlett was an expert at it. I couldn’t sleep after I left her the other night. Part of me was shocked, the other ashamed once I replayed my words. The one woman that had always meant more to me than she should, and I’d treated her like a whore.
I hadn’t lied to her either when I’d told her she was the best I’d ever had. From innocent kisses to the feel of her body—all of her was enough for me to be content. If she were mine, I would never need anyone else, but she wasn’t.
She drove me fucking crazy, but mostly it was because I couldn’t call her mine. She was like water drowning me in emotions that were foreign because I could never fully explore them, but I knew if we let it, she could be just what I needed to feel cleansed.
When I saw her at the library, I’d moved to a place where I could watch her. God, was she beautiful. She was oblivious to anyone around her as she worked, but that was Scarlett. She never cared about what people thought of her. She carried herself with a confidence that I always found sexy. She would chew on her pencil, and more than once I found myself smiling like a creep because I remembered her at twelve doing the same thing.
At moments she would get a pensive look, and I wondered if she thought about me in those moments. She was a closed book, one I didn’t want to know all of, but I just wanted to know enough to read her.
I was still angry, but I pulled out my phone anyway because I was weak where Scarlett Davis was concerned.
“Hello?” My “little brother” sounded groggy.
“I need you to get a medium pizza and take it to the address I’m about to text you. Make sure your friend gets it.” I hung up before Isaac could say anything back.
Drew owed me a favor, and all I asked was to make Isaac my little because he was friendly with Scar. I wasn’t jealous, but I knew I could use it to my advantage. Once in my car, I knew one thing was clear—I wasn’t backing down.
The days passed, and I hadn’t seen Scarlett. It at least gave me time to think of a game plan. Every great play had to be thoroughly thought out, and that was what I was doing with Scarlett. I wanted more of her time and more of her body, but mostly I was after her heart.
After my anger faded and the fact that Isaac told me she had been crying, it put things in perspective. If she didn’t care about me, why would she cry? Why would she kiss me like she was suffocating and needed me to breathe? Give her body so freely to me when she was far from those kinds of girls?
Scarlett had always kept to herself. She wasn’t very outgoing and didn’t have many friends unless they came to her. So I shouldn’t expect her to come for me to make a move and tell me she wanted me, because she would never do that.
There had to be a reason we kept going back to each other. I mean, fate wasn’t that cruel, right? It wouldn’t make the stars align for you just to take it all away at a moment’s notice.
So even if my pride was shit where Scar was concerned, I had one last shot at making it count. The first thing in my grand game plan was to get her used to my presence like before. Hell, the only time I was Gigi’s dream boyfriend was when her best friend was around because it gave me more time with her.
When you’re a football celebrity, people like to please you, so getting her schedule wasn’t hard. It was wrong, but I needed every advantage if I wanted her walls down.
I was making my way downstairs, ready to go to my classes, when I felt a chick hug me. I looked down and saw Gigi’s head. I’d had enough of her shit. It was always the same stuff. She was feeling down, and because it was my fault, I had to be there for her, and I was so sick of it.
“It’s been such a hard day today, Gav,” she whispered against my shirt.
I looked at her and saw traces of the girl I’d gone out with, except any affection I might have had for her slowly died, no matter how much I wanted to feel sorry for her—for us.
A few other girls from the cheer team were there, and I let out a relieved breath when Delia nor Kenia were amongst them. Reaching behind my back, I pulled Gigi’s arms from my waist, brought them to her sides, and took a step back, holding her at a distance.
Her eyes went wide with panic, and they should, because I was done feeling sorry for circumstances and denying myself what I wanted the most.
“Remember when I said I was moving away in sixth grade because my parents were divorcing?” I asked.
She didn’t answer me. Maybe she didn’t remember—it was probably insignificant—but to me that day was monumental.
“You said it was a shame I was moving away before we could date.”
Gigi rolled her eyes. “I was a stupid little girl, Gav. I didn’t know how to react, but one clear thing is that I’ve always loved you.”
I laughed. “You want to know what Scarlett said to me?”
I saw the hate flash in her eyes by my question, and for the first time, I came to realize that maybe it wasn’t all on me that Gigi was always jealous of her ex-best friend. Maybe it was because she wasn’t blind to the way I stared at her best friend and not at her.
“She sat next to me while I cried, and she hugged me. She told me nothing she could say would make it better, but that things would get better for me because I deserved happiness.”
“How dare you mention her name right now when I feel so low because of what you two did!” Gigi snapped.
“Because I deserve happiness, Gigi…I’m tired of this. It fucking sucks, and it guts me, and I feel that pain, but you need to leave me the fuck alone.”
She stepped back, angry. “If you think I’m going to stand back while that little bitch tries to take you away from me again, you are wrong. It’s you and me!”
I didn’t listen to her. Instead, I took a step toward the door.
“I was never yours, Giuliana, and it kills you because you’ve always known it.” I walked away. I was almost out the door when I turned around while she looked between her little posse of bitches and me. “Stop telling everyone I’m pining over you because we both know I’m not.”
I felt free when I walked through the doors, the guilt I had been carrying since prom now gone. I looked at the time and cursed Gigi all over again. When I made it to school, it took me a minute to find Scar. I knew she sat on a bench before she left for her last class of the day. It was the first time I was glad we had pledges.
“Just to let you know, it’s me, Gavin, not a kidnapper, and I’m going to sit across from you,” I announced loud enough for her
to hear me.
She brought her head up and looked at me like I had grown two heads. “Why are you here?”
After our last conversation, I would question my motives too.
“Your brother said you needed a friend, and I guess he picked me to be that friend.” I grinned.
It wasn’t a total lie, but maybe she would appease Nick and let me in a little that way.
“He didn’t,” she whispered in mad disbelief.
“Baby, he did.”
“Don’t call me that,” she snapped.
Okay, apparently things weren’t going to be that easy. That was fine. I loved a good challenge.
“There are other things I could call you.” My voice came out like a seductive purr, and her eyes flashed briefly, her gaze landing on my lips.
“How about goodbye?” she spat before she got up and walked away.
I got up and went beside her.
“You’re not getting rid of me that easy,” I said, and she ignored me. “See, the other night, I realized where the problem was. I have let you run away time and time again, and you seem to think you can do the whole yo-yo act and come back when you feel like it.”
She turned to look at me and glared. “Don’t you worry about that. I’ve cut the strings. There will be no coming back.”
I didn’t say anything until her building was a few feet away. I grabbed her arm and stopped her and turned her body to face me.
“Scar, you lie through your teeth whenever I’m near, so I’m done listening to your words—” I took a step closer to her and noticed her stop breathing. I bent my head so I could kiss her. “Whenever I touch you, baby, you come alive. So I’m just going to listen to your body.” I kissed her again, this time more forcefully. “You want me, Scar, and that scares you, but it doesn’t scare me. So fight me, but soon you’ll be in my arms, you in my jersey at my games, and at nights in my bed.”
Scarlett had her eyes closed, and when I let her go, she turned around and ran away again. This time I wasn’t mad; instead, I loved the curve of her ass.
What I didn’t mention was that she would let me in her heart.
Nineteen
You want me, Scar, and that scares you.
Gavin’s words kept haunting me night and day. I woke up, and it was the first thing I heard. I went jogging, and they snuck into my time of solace. I was with the girls watching TV, and they crept through.
What fucked with me the most was that he said those words, and then nothing. He sat next to me in class, walked with me, made small talk, but didn’t kiss me anymore, didn’t even try to reach for my hand.
I didn’t know what game he was playing, and he seemed overconfident that he was winning. For the first time in years, I was glad to be at my therapist because it gave me someone to talk to. Things with Nick got weird for a few days after I caught him doing the nasty, and this weekend, he had practice, so it wasn’t like we were avoiding each other.
“Now, today, I want to talk about Gavin. You said you didn’t blame him, but you don’t trust him.”
My therapist caught me off guard with that question.
“I never said I didn’t trust him,” I replied.
“Every time you talk about him, you sit straighter, your eyes get more alert. Does he make you uncomfortable?”
“No, he would never hurt me physically,” I said defensively.
Something seemed to cross over my shrink’s features. “You said physically. Has he hurt you in another way?”
The room was silent for a while because I didn’t know how to answer her question—hell, I didn’t want to answer it.
“Gavin used to be my best friend’s boyfriend,” I answered after a while.
Maybe she could help me make sense of what was going on.
“Was he mean to you while he went out with your best friend? Make you feel unwanted in the relationship? Was this after or before the deaths of your parents?”
I laughed without humor. “I don’t think this is important.”
“On the contrary, I think this is vital information.” She gave me a reassuring smile.
So I spent a half hour telling her about Gigi, Gavin, and me. About how he looked out for me, went out of his way to make me feel comfortable in his and Gigi’s relationship.
“If you liked Gavin, why did you tell him you didn’t?”
“Because my best friend liked him,” I replied in a condescending tone.
“But since she was your best friend, shouldn’t she have understood you two liked each other?”
“He moved, so that was a moot point.” I looked around the room to avoid looking at her.
“But he came back,” she said softly. “Why didn’t you tell Gigi then you liked him?”
“I didn’t think she liked him,” I replied honestly.
“Why didn’t you tell her about him once he confessed his feelings for you yet again?” My therapist’s tone got firmer.
I still couldn’t look at her. Why was she asking me this? The past was better left in the past, right?
“Did you have other friends?” she asked after I stayed quiet for a while.
“Not really. Gigi was the one everyone liked. She was the fun one; she always dragged me along to parties, and bonfires, birthdays. People gravitated toward her and stayed with me because I was just there. I’ve never been one to have many friends. I’m okay with it. I learned to be alone because even though Gigi and I were best friends, she was not like me; she loved talking to people, always friending everyone.”
Gigi was my best friend, but now that I thought back on it, I wasn’t hers.
“Would you say Gigi was selfish?”
I turned my head so I could look at my shrink, our gazes colliding.
When I didn’t answer, she kept going. “Do you think if Gigi knew that you liked the same boy as she did and he liked you, she would have turned everyone against you?”
“She was my best friend,” I said, not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.
“If she was your best friend, wouldn’t she want the best for you?”
“She cared for me in her way. She…” I stopped talking because I was trying to find a point in time where Gigi put me first. Hell, even at my parents’ funeral she seemed to use me for support.
“How did it make you feel when Gavin started to date your best friend?”
“I was happy for her; he was the guy she always wanted,” I whispered.
“What about you? What about your happiness?”
My body felt hot, and this talk was getting intense. “It doesn’t matter. That’s in the past now.”
“Do you still have contact with either of them?”
“Gavin and Gigi are no longer together. Gigi isn’t even my friend anymore.” I added the last part like an afterthought.
“And Gavin?” she asked, sitting up straighter. “Is he still around?”
I bit my lip.
“If you don’t talk to me, you are coming in here in vain.”
“He’s around,” I whispered.
“Do you still care about him? Now that Gigi is not in the picture, there’s no reason to explore unresolved feelings.”
I stayed quiet.
“Do you resent him for dating your friend after he confessed his feelings for you? Out of all the girls, he picked Gigi. Did that bother you?”
“No. I knew that if I backed away, they would end up together.”
“Then why are you still scared? Why do keep clinging to the past instead of going forward? Gigi is not your friend, and Gavin is back. What are you so afraid of?” Her tone got firmer and louder, and my brain started to thump.
You want me, Scar, and that scares you.
“Because I killed my parents over it!” I shouted, out of breath. To my therapist’s credit, she wasn’t repulsed by me.
“How?” Her tone was soft, almost like a lullaby now.
“The night of the accident, I didn’t want to go out. It was getting harder and ha
rder to be around Gavin and Gigi. I think if they’d dated, and he’d ignored me, I would have been fine, but he was always there: taking us to the movies, at her house, at my house with my brother. He was everywhere, and he was nice. I didn’t want to go to the party, but Gigi said he wasn’t going to be there. She p-p-promised it was just us.” I wiped the tears from my face.
The guilt of lying to my parents was getting to me. If they knew I was at a party with college boys, they would lose their shit. There were a lot of seniors and some juniors like me too because some of them used to be on the football team last year.
Gigi’s mom dropped us off, since Gavin couldn’t come. That was the main reason I agreed because it was rare when Gigi and I spent time together without Gavin around us. I knew my parents would never let me go, so I slept over at Gigi’s. Ever since her parents’ divorce, Gigi’s mom compensated her by letting her do whatever she wanted.
I finished the beer I had in my hand and went in search of Gigi because I wanted to go home already. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I searched in the backyard, and she wasn’t there. God, did she leave me? I made my way to the front of the house through the side door where there were not a lot of people.
That was where I saw them.
There was a small bench, and I quickly recognized the white top and jean skirt Gigi wore. She was humping him through his jeans; his hands were under her skirt while he kissed her.
That was when it hit me that I couldn’t be friends with my best friend anymore because I was in love with her boyfriend. I watched them kiss with a feverish passion that I had not seen from them before. For the first time in a while, I allowed myself to look at them since they couldn’t see me. Gavin’s hair was a mess, and his mouth still had not come up for air. His legs seemed longer, and his arms a little more muscular. I loved Gavin, but I could never have him.
When Gigi moaned, I turned around and went for another drink. I sat alone drinking, waiting until I saw Gigi walk back for her purse. She didn’t even look at me, and then she left.
What the hell? It was like they forgot I was even here.
