by Londyn Skye
January 24th, 1859
For fourteen years now, there’s been a countdown in my head to this moment. This past Saturday, I attended Dallas’s wedding. All my boys are now officially grown. They’re well-educated, married, and have respectable careers. My mission as a father to them now feels complete. However, I feel no sense of honor knowing that I sacrificed the happiness of my beloved daughter, and of the woman I love, to ensure the happiness of my sons. My heart is heavy with fourteen years of torturous regret. My mind and soul are damn near devoured by sorrow. All these years, I’ve done nothing but dream of seeing my Lily again. To see her beautiful face would be all the nutrients needed to nourish my soul and save it from withering away altogether. Tomorrow, the long countdown comes to an end, and my dream will finally become a reality.
For two days now, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep. I do nothing but think about Lily. What does she look like now? How much lovelier is her smile? Does she still have the same bubbly outgoing personality? What incredible new things has her brilliant mind absorbed? … Does she hate me? What awful things will she say to me? I’ve thrown up twice this morning just thinking about that. I can’t imagine how sick I’ll be when I finally do hear it. But I know I goddamn well deserve every nasty word she hurls at me … and so much worse. And I will happily endure such torture, if that’s what it takes to reunite her with her mother, the way I’ve dreamed of doing for all these years.
After writing that in his journal, Levi took out a thick manilla envelope from the hidden compartment in the horse stall of his barn. He then pulled out a sheet of paper that still brought tears of misery to his eyes:
Virginia State Negro Auctioneers
Bill of Sale
Name of slave being sold: Lily
Birthdate of slave (if known): June 1, 1834
Age of Slave (or approx. if known): 9
Description of Slave
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye color: Green/hazel
▢ Negro ⛝ Negress
Approx. Height: 5ft
Approx. Weight: 80lbs
Build: Thin
Skin complexion:
▢ Fair ⛝ Light brown ▢ Brown ▢ Dark brown
Percentage Negro (if known):
▢ Negro (100%) ⛝ Mulatto (50%) ▢ Quadroon (25%) ▢ Octoroon (12.5% or less)
I, Levi W. Collins of Collins Plantation , located at address 1372 Trickum Road, Charleston VA agree to the sale of the above described slave in the amount of $ 1125.00 to be sold to Jesse Adams on this 14 th day of January ,18 45.
Levi Wyatt Collins
Signature of seller
I, Jesse Roscoe Adams Sr. , of Adams Plantation , located at address 2798 Jefferson Road, Fayetteville VA agree to the purchase of the above described slave in the amount of $1125.00 sold by Levi Collins on this 14 th day of January ,18 45.
Jesse R. Adams Sr.
Signature of purchaser
With that perfectly preserved bill of sale in his hand, Levi sat up against the horse stall and stared at the date through the blur of tears in his eyes. After fourteen years, he thought to himself. He then picked up his favorite picture of Lily and gazed at her sitting in Maya’s lap, smiling as she pointed to a passing flock of birds. “I can finally get my little girl back,” he whispered as his tears began pelting Lily’s image. He then reached back into the manilla envelope and took out the money that Jesse Adams had purchased Lily with. Every single dollar had sat collecting dust in that secret compartment for over a decade. Levi was now ready to return it to its rightful owner, in exchange for someone whose value he felt far superseded the dusty bills in his hands, and every bill ever printed on Earth for that matter.
In Levi’s estimation, the last few hours of his countdown seemed to roll by as quickly as molasses on a frosty day. He lay wide awake, staring out the window; daylight just couldn’t come fast enough. When it finally did, fear, joy, anxiousness, excitement, and every emotion in between, had him damn near ready to jump out of his own skin. He hurried to the bathroom to clean up his appearance. His hand shook so badly while trying to shave that he nicked his face in six places before finally giving up altogether. He managed to comb his hair and dress himself, but shaky hands made such simple tasks take twice as long as usual. He took several deep breaths to calm himself before exiting the bathroom. He considered having breakfast, but eating was an impossibility for his knot-tied stomach. He, therefore, bypassed the kitchen, stepped out onto the front porch, and stared at Maya’s cottage in the distance. His mind drifted away to what it might be like in a few hours when he finally got to see his beloved daughter in the flesh again. He was convinced that the reality of that moment would bring him to his knees in joyous tears, as he apologized and begged her forgiveness. Even so, he felt those tears would never compare to the ones he would shed when he finally rode back through the gates of his plantation with Lily in tow and reunited her with her mother.
Eager for that moment to occur, Levi rushed to the barn and grabbed Jesse’s money and the bill of sale. He then quickly climbed up on his wagon, snapped the reins, and began making his way toward the address on the fourteen-year-old paper in his lap. For a little over three hours, he rode along, his heart galloping far faster than the horses he was pushing hard. As he neared the Adams plantation, a man in a passing wagon tipped his hat to say hello, but Levi was oblivious to the gesture. His mind was far too consumed with seeing his little girl again to notice anything or anyone in his surroundings. Knowing that Lily was not actually so little anymore, Levi constantly imagined what she now looked like. His tears fell every time he thought about what he could say to her that would warrant her forgiveness, because he knew the answer to that question was … absolutely nothing! That fact caused him to suddenly halt his wagon and jump out. His feet hit the ground at the same time as the vomit violently erupting from his stomach. The shot of whiskey he drank to calm his nerves nearly burned a hole in his throat as it came back up. The scorching burn had his mucus membranes and tear ducts working overtime to cool his singed pores. With snot running down his face, bloodshot eyes, and patchy facial hair from a botched shave, he could have easily been mistaken for a drunken hobo. He remained on bended knee until his stomach stopped spasming and the world stopped spinning. With the little strength he had, he walked to the back of his wagon to find a rag and a canteen of water. He cleaned his face, swished water in his mouth, and wiped his eyes. He then glanced up. His eyes refilled with tears again when he realized that the address where his daughter resided was now a tiny speck in his field of view.
Now sweating profusely, Levi quickly jumped back in his wagon seat and prompted his horses forward. With a pounding heart, he guided them toward the entrance of Jesse’s plantation. Before entering, he halted the horses. With his hand mercilessly shaking, he held up the bill of sale to double check the address. The trembling paper was nearly impossible to read, especially with a mist of tears blurring Levi’s vision. He wiped his eyes and exhaled to calm himself. He then glanced back at the paper, looked at the address on the mailbox, and finally verified that he was indeed at the right place. Levi wiped the sweat from his brow, swallowed hard, and nervously snapped the reins to prompt his team to trot through the gates. As he sat there hyperventilating, his horses quickly pulled him to his destination: the front porch of the home where his only daughter resided.
Despite how desperate Levi was to lay his eyes on his beloved little girl, he was suddenly hesitant to exit the wagon. He feared his shaky knees would be unable to support his panic-stricken body. Sure enough, he mis-stepped as he climbed down from the wagon. He slightly twisted his ankle, but the pain never even registered in his spinning mind. He stumbled slightly as he made his way up Jesse’s porch steps. But, again, he was oblivious to his clumsiness. He loudly exhaled as he lingered outside the door for a moment, trying to stop his stomach from expelling its contents again. “Mornin’,” he said when Jesse suddenly opened the door. Levi nervously snatched his hat of
f. He was so overcome with anxiousness that he did not even realize he had already knocked. “Uh, I’m lookin’ for, uh…” He glanced down at his bill of sale again. “Jesse Adams … Is this his residence?”
“I’m Jesse. Who the hell’re you?”
“My name is Levi … Levi Collins. I doubt you rememba’ me. I sold you a slave fourteen years ago. A little girl named Lily.”
“What about ’er?”
“Is she here?”
“No.” Jesse started to close the door.
“Has she gone into town with your wife? If she’ll be back shortly, I can wait.”
“I said she ain’t here! That’s all you need to goddamn know!” Jesse fired back, instantly annoyed by his persistence.
“Have you sold ’er?”
“That ain’t none ‘a y’ur goddamn business! Now get the hell off my property! I got work to do!” Jesse replied, suddenly trying to slam the door in Levi’s face.
Levi caught the door. “Please sir! This is important!”
Jesse looked Levi up and down. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“LILY’S FATHER!”
Instantaneous rage and disgust turned Jesse’s face a dark shade of red. He pursed his lips tight and lowered his eyelids as he glared coldly at a man that he instantly declared as a disgrace to the white race.
Levi’s confession had escaped like he had no control over his mouth, but he suddenly owned up to his slip of tongue with an air of pride. “I’m Lily’s fatha’, and I wanna buy ’er back from you,” he boldly stated, despite noticing the shift in Jesse’s demeanor.
“I should’ve been the one knockin’ on your door years ago, askin’ you for my money back for sellin’ me that worthless nigga’.”
Though he was immediately enraged by the statement, Levi replied as calmly and respectfully as he could manage, for the sake of retrieving Lily in peace. “She’s not worthless to me, Mr. Adams. But if you feel that way about ’er, I’m more than happy to give you your money back.”
“Use that to buy y’urself anotha’ goddamn slave! Ain’t no expiration date on purchases! All sales are final!”
“I’ll quadruple the money! Hell, I’ll pay you whateva’ you want! Name your price! I just want my daughta’ back!”
“I said she ain’t here!”
“Well, where is she? Please, I’m beggin’ you, sir. This is important!” The waiting tears in Levi’s eyes finally trickled down his cheeks.
Jesse’s face hardened when he saw such weakness. “She’s dead,” he replied coldly, suddenly enjoying the thought of torturing a man who fornicated with Negroes and diluted the superior blood of the white race.
“I don’t believe you,” Levi murmured, his bottom lip suddenly quivering.
“I killed that lazy bitch myself.”
“I don’t believe you!” Levi erupted, his tears now falling in streams.
Jesse smirked, his dark heart flooding with joy the more Levi cried. “Worst fuckin’ purchase I eva’ made. Hung that skinny piece ‘a shit from a tree a few weeks afta’ I bought ‘er.”
“You’re lyin’!”
“I tossed what was left of ‘er body in the woods afta’ the buzzards got their fill.”
“I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!”
“You can find whateva’ the wolves left of ’er ova’ yonda’,” Jesse sneered, motioning his head in the direction.
“I’M NOT LEAVIN’ HERE WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER!” Levi suddenly tried to push his way past Jesse. “LILYYY!”
Jesse shoved him back. “I’ll splatta’ y’ur nigga’ lovin’ ass all ova’ this porch if you don’t get the hell off ‘a my property!”
In a state of blinding madness, Levi suddenly lowered his shoulder, barrelled into Jesse, and knocked him to the ground. He then stood in the foyer, repeatedly shrieking Lily’s name as he frantically looked around.
Jesse quickly jumped up and grabbed Levi by the throat. He then pulled his pistol off his hip and held it to Levi’s forehead. “If you don’t get your nigga’ lovin’ ass off my property, I’ll send you to hell to be with your mutt!” He shoved Levi out the door and he stumbled backward down the very steps that Lily had just departed from hours earlier. She was riding in the covered wagon of the young man who had tipped his Stetson hat to him an hour earlier, as he rode by on his journey to take Lily to meet a world-renowned composer.
****
A month after being thrown out of Jesse’s house, Levi gathered his sons for a meeting at Wyatt’s home. All six of his boys sat quietly in the living room staring at their father. He had his elbows resting on his knees with his hands clasped together. His head was slightly lowered as he glared at the floor in a trance. After a few minutes, his sons all began looking at each other in confusion, wondering why their father had summoned them there but had yet to say a word.
“Pa?” Wyatt said, trying to wrangle his attention.
Levi did not budge.
All the boys looked at each other in confusion again. Wyatt cleared his throat and tried again. “Pa, you said you needed to speak with us urgently. We’re eaga’ to know what’s goin’ on.”
Levi still did not raise his head, but he finally spoke. “I love all you boys. From the moment you were all born, you’ve all brought me so much joy. You all finished school. You went out and got yourselves respectable careers. I’m proud ‘a each and every one of ya’ for that. I’m proud ‘a the upstandin’ men and fatha’s you’ve all become. I’m just as proud that you’ve all abided by my wishes neva’ to own any slaves. I neva’ wanted any of you to justify your right to own humans based on somethin’ as superficial as race. I definitely neva’ wanted to hear anybody referrin’ to y’all as their damn masta’ … like me. That shit’s for the birds. I know I’ve been a walkin, talkin’ contradiction all these years because I’ve owned slaves myself … but it’s wrong. Had I been able to figure out anotha’ way to consistently feed you boys without ’em, I’d’ve freed all my slaves in a heartbeat,” he said, his voice trailing off.
The boys all silently looked at one another again, still feeling confused about their father’s odd speech. They felt as though he was not even speaking directly to them. “Pa, you’ve been preachin’ all that to us for years. We know these things already,” Wyatt finally said.
Levi sighed and continued with what was on his mind. “The day I first took owna’ship of slaves, I no longa’ deemed myself a man. Disgrace to the human race was a more fittin’ description. That description’s fittin’ for every slave owna’ on this earth, for that matta’. But now, I seek to release myself from that pitiful description and regain the title of a man.” He placed a thick envelope on the coffee table. “All the slaves on my farm will be officially free as soon as I turn in these manumission documents to the state.”
When Levi went silent, the boys all looked at one another again in confusion. “That’s very honorable of you, pa. But what do we have to do with any ‘a this? Do we need to turn the documents in for you or somethin’?” Bo asked.
Levi did not reply. He just kept staring emptily at the floor.
“Pa, you all right?” Colt asked, when his father’s despondency became too much to bear.
“No.” Levi finally found the strength to hold his head up and look each and every one of his sons in the eyes. “I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of … things I deeply regret.” He exhaled, stood, and walked to the center of the living room. “From the day you were all born, I promised myself that I’d always show you with my actions how to be upstandin’ men. It was of the utmost importance to me. It still is. Which is why I’m standin’ before you all now, hopin’ to teach you all a lesson about ownin’ up to things that you’ve done in life that you weren’t s’pposed to be doin’ … especially things that God would consida’ sinful. I want you to always be man enough to admit your sins and pray to God to forgive you for ’em … no matta’ what those sins may be.”
“What sins?” Dallas asked. “This so
unds serious.”
“It is.” Levi blew out another breath. “Sellin’ all those children on my farm has haunted me for a long time. From the moment I sold all of ’em, it was always my intent to right that wrong one day. Ova’ the last several weeks, I’ve found three of the four children that I sold. They’re all grown now, of course, so it may be too little too late. But I’ve made arrangements and settled financial agreements to have them reunited with their parents soon.” Levi exhaled and lowered his head, already feeling himself becoming emotional. “But there’s one slave that I’ve yet to find, and it’s weighin’ heaviest on me … far above all the otha’s.”
“Who?” Colt asked.
“Lily. I’m sure you all rememba’ her.”
“How could we forget her? Dallas cried himself to sleep for a whole week when he found out she was gone!” Colt teased.
His brothers all laughed.
“Hey, cut me a break! I was only eight,” Dallas replied. “Lily used to help me catch frogs and lizards. She was my favorite playmate … more like a sista’ to me actually.”
Levi looked at Dallas knowing that he had no idea of the irony of his statement. “Well, out of everyone I’ve sold, Lily’s the one that I can’t find,” he continued. “I spoke to the man who purchased her, Jesse Adams. At first, he refused to tell me anything about ’er. But I refused to leave his property until he told me the truth about where she really was.”
“What did he say?” Colt asked.
Levi lowered his head briefly again as tears began to sting his eyes. “That she’s dead,” he whispered, finding it difficult to say out loud.
The boys were completely silent.
“But I refuse to believe it,” Levi continued. “For several days, I sat outside Jesse’s plantation, hidin’ and watchin’, to see if I saw anyone in the fields of Lily’s likeness. For hours and hours, I scrutinized every face comin’ and goin’ from the house and the slave quarta’s. But I neva’ saw her.”
