by Emma Davies
Jasper was quiet beside her, perhaps lost in his own thoughts, or possibly mindful of hers. Since they had spoken earlier in the kitchen they had not revisited the subject of their relationship, and it had given her time to breathe, to simply exist in her own space with no demands on her, other than his presence. He was right; she didn’t want to be on her own, but neither did she want to be told how to feel or what to think. She needed these last few hours before tomorrow to prepare herself mentally for what was to come, and the only way she could do that was by herself.
She shivered slightly as they turned the final corner before the High Street, a keen wind cutting across them for a moment before they passed once more into the shelter of the buildings. Strings of bright lights crisscrossed the street, multi-coloured, swaying gently, and all along both sides of the road the shops were each lit up with their own decorations. It was a cheery, welcoming sight.
‘Drink first? Or shall we walk?’ asked Jasper as they drew level with Earl Grey’s, and she smiled at his supposedly innocent remark.
She checked her watch. ‘They’ll be closing soon, so a quick drink I think,’ she said. ‘I could just check with Clive that all’s well for tomorrow too, couldn’t I?’
Jasper didn’t reply, but then he didn’t need to. He opened the door for her, and followed her in.
There were only two other customers still lingering, and Lia hesitated, unsure whether it was fair to sit down now, when the tearoom would be closing shortly. But no sooner had she thought it than Clive appeared from behind the counter.
‘You look freezing!’ he exclaimed. ‘Come and sit down and I’ll get you something to drink.’
Lia glanced at Jasper. ‘Only if you’re sure that’s okay. I didn’t realise it was quite so late.’
Clive waved an airy hand. ‘It’s no problem, come on, sit. What can I get you?’
He reappeared a couple of minutes later with two steaming hot chocolates, placing them on the table and then sitting down himself.
‘Now, is everything all right for tomorrow? If you want to change anything just say, otherwise I’ll go with what we planned, and you won’t need to worry about any of it.’
Lia was grateful for his business-like approach. Having him cater for the post-funeral gathering had been Lucy’s idea of course, and it made perfect sense. He was kind, but not gushing, and had even come out to the house to make the arrangements. Lia had liked him instantly.
She smiled. ‘That wasn’t why we came in really, but I’ll leave it to you, Clive. What we discussed sounded lovely.’
He called a thank-you across the room to the couple who were just leaving before turning his attention back to Lia. ‘Right you are, then,’ he said. ‘I’ll be here for a bit yet, so can I tempt you with anything else? I’ve got some whopping Chelsea buns left, or if you fancy something savoury I can rustle up some soup and a toastie perhaps. Vegetable and tarragon?’
It sounded exactly what Lia needed, but she was far too polite to agree to his suggestion. ‘Clive, we mustn’t keep you, that’s really very kind, but—’
He got up suddenly and went over to the door, swiftly turning over the sign. He fished in his pocket for a bunch of keys and with a deft movement locked the door as well.
‘Now then,’ he said, returning. ‘Does that make you feel better? I’m holding you captive for the time being, and like I said I’ll be here for a bit yet, so having you two stay makes no odds to me.’
‘The soup and sandwich sounds like a wonderful idea,’ said Jasper firmly. ‘Thanks Clive.’ He picked up his hot chocolate and slurped the cream from the top, his eyes fixed on Lia. She followed his lead.
It was strange sitting in the empty tearoom eating their food, but oddly comforting. The streets outside still danced with light, but were almost deserted. The workers had gone for the day, and the last-minute shoppers had followed them, no doubt hurrying home to get their own dinner. It was like being in a warm cocoon and, thought Lia suddenly, exactly where she wanted to be.
The soup was thick and flavoursome, the cheese toastie tangy and crisp, with grilled cheddar bubbling from its edges. Clive had retreated to the kitchen after first extracting a promise that they would stay as long as they liked, and for the last ten minutes or so they had both eaten steadily. Clive had turned some music on and the soft sound wafted out into the room. Christmas crooners, but it suited the atmosphere perfectly.
‘That was very kind of Clive,’ remarked Lia, some minutes later. ‘It’s only just occurred to me why he’s here,’ she added. ‘How stupid am I?’
‘Not stupid at all,’ replied Jasper, although Lia could see that he had long since guessed that Clive’s work for the evening was only just beginning. Clive had told her that everything would be made fresh for the funeral gathering tomorrow and he obviously meant it. ‘He’s Lucy’s brother-in-law, isn’t he?’ Jasper asked.
Lia nodded. ‘Hmm. You can see they’re related. I don’t know any of Lucy’s other family, but I’d be willing to bet they’re all as lovely as she is. I’ve got high hopes for Callum joining them too.’
Jasper gave her a quizzical look. ‘Callum?’
‘He’s from the book club,’ Lia explained. ‘And he’s been helping Lucy out in the library too. Now I think him and Lucy are, well, you know…’
Jasper still looked blank.
‘Well, they’re together… At least I think they are, and if they’re not they should be. I’ve never seen a couple so in tune with one another.’
She could have kicked herself the minute she said it; the last thing she wanted to do was to bring up the subject of relationships again, hers or anyone else’s.
Jasper had chosen that particular moment to take another bite of his toastie but she saw the instant her words hit home. There was a definite pause in his chewing before he carried on. The fact that he ignored it almost made it worse. How much more could she torture the poor man?
She sat in silence, fiddling with a crust on her plate, scarcely aware of her surroundings.
‘Would you like to dance?’ asked Jasper.
Her head shot up. ‘What?’
‘Would you like to dance? I’ve always loved this song.’
She stared at him, mute, trying to make out the music.
He had put down his sandwich and was staring at her intently. She nodded slowly, rising to her feet.
The space between the tables was tiny, but enough for Jasper to pull her to him, one arm around her waist, the other enfolding hers against his chest. He laid his cheek against the top of her head and together they moved slowly, silently with the music.
‘Merry Christmas, Lia.’ His voice was barely a whisper, the words lost in her hair.
‘Merry Christmas, Jasper,’ she whispered back, raising her head from his shoulder and closing her eyes. His lips were soft on hers and his hand rose to cradle the back of her neck, brushing gently against her cheek.
His voice was hoarse when he spoke again, his fingers still woven through her hair, caressing her neck. ‘You’re trembling.’
‘I know… I’m afraid…’
‘Of me?’ he asked gently, pulling back slightly.
‘No,’ she breathed. ‘I’m afraid of living.’
‘Oh, Lia…’ His thumb brushed away her tear. ‘In the midst of life, we are in death,’ he murmured, ‘but you mustn’t ever, ever, be afraid to live…’
And then he kissed her and she was lost all over again.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Lucy put the phone down and burst into tears. ‘I’m sorry,’ she spluttered, ‘but that’s the best news I’ve had all day.’ Callum looked up from his laptop, startled.
‘It’s okay.’ She flapped her hand at him. ‘I’m fine. It’s just with everything else that’s been going on… Oh, that’s just lovely…’
Callum didn’t look at all convinced. ‘Are you sure, only, you’re crying, and—’
‘They’re happy tears,’ she interrupted him. ‘That’s what I do when
I’m happy.’
‘Right…’ said Callum slowly, shaking his head. ‘I’ll try and remember that.’
That made Lucy smile too, the fact that Callum’s thoughts about her were stretching into the future.
‘So, are you going to tell me what the good news is?’ he asked, trying to stifle a smile.
Lucy scrubbed at her eyes. ‘That was Clive on the phone,’ she said. ‘You’ll never guess who he’s just had in the tearoom?’
Callum rolled his eyes. ‘Just tell me Luce, I’m never gonna guess. We’ll be here all night.’
She leaned forward, a little excited now. ‘Jasper and Lia. Dancing. Together. What do you think of that?’
‘Dancing?’
‘Yes, apparently. Slow-dancing to a Christmas record. Clive said it was one of the most touching things he’s ever seen.’
‘Why would they be dancing in the tearoom?’ He scratched his head. ‘Lucy, try and remember that I couldn’t actually hear your telephone conversation. What on earth are you talking about?’
Lucy grinned, all trace of her tears gone now. ‘Clive’s working late at the tearoom tonight, preparing the buffet for the funeral tomorrow. He was just shutting up shop when Jasper and Lia came in for a drink. Well, you know Clive, he made them something to eat and said they could stay for as long as they liked… Anyway, he put on some Christmas music while he was working and when he popped back through a little while later to collect their plates they were slow-dancing in the middle of the room.’
‘And?’
‘How can you ask me and? I think they might be together after all. Oh God, I hope so. I won’t feel quite so much like it’s my fault if they are.’
There was an audible tut. ‘For heaven’s sake, Lucy – how can Lia’s mum dying possibly be your fault?’
‘You know what I mean,’ she pouted. ‘I still feel responsible for all of this.’ She looked down at the lines she had written in her notebook. ‘You know, with Oscar as well. They were both on the verge of being so happy, but now…’
Callum had been trying to turn his attention back to his laptop. He sighed. ‘Listen, we don’t know how things are going to pan out for either of them. So, the only thing we can do is be there for them if they need it. And tomorrow, Lia definitely will need our help. It’s great if Jasper’s going to be on the scene too, but things won’t end for Lia tomorrow. In fact, it’s only the beginning.’
Lucy bit her lip. ‘They’re weird things, beginnings,’ she mused, looking up at Callum. ‘In that they always follow an ending… So, in fact an ending is never really the end at all, is it?’
‘I guess,’ replied Callum. ‘And that’s as opposed to a beginning, a middle and an end.’ He gave her a pointed look, flicking his eyes to the notebook in front of her. ‘Are you ever going to tell anyone about that? Or better still, show it to someone?’
Lucy pulled the notebook to her, defensively. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Why would I?’
‘Only, I can’t see the point of it otherwise. Why do you do it?’
She looked down at the words on the page, thinking for a few moments. ‘Because it’s just something I do, that’s all.’
Callum gave a wry smile. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Just you keep thinking that then. After all, there’s no need to consider that it might possibly lead to something else, is there? Perhaps a new beginning all of your own? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, but you weren’t planning on staying at the library forever, were you?’
‘Don’t you bloody start,’ she muttered. ‘I’ve had enough of Rachel, trying to depose me by any possible means. That’s her latest trick.’
‘She still giving you a hard time then?’
‘And some. Her latest tactic consists of rubbishing our jobs at every available opportunity. How it’s a fruitless career, how in fact there are no job prospects at all, and that anyone would be mad to try and carve a future out of it. Of course, she doesn’t mean it at all, she’d give her eye teeth to be manager, and if Clare doesn’t come back from maternity leave they will have to think about a permanent replacement.’
‘Well let them think about it. Lucy, you’ll have done the job for the best part of a year by then. That would put you in a very good position if you wanted to be considered.’
Lucy pulled at her lip. ‘I know, it’s just that…’
Callum gently closed the lid on his laptop and shuffled his chair closer to her. He sat back, folded his hands in his lap and fixed his eyes on her face. And waited.
‘You can admit how you’re feeling, you know,’ he said after a few minutes of watching Lucy squirm, ‘because you know I’m going to sit here until you do.’ The skin at the side of Lucy’s finger had almost formed a callus where she’d been holding a pencil, and she picked at it where the edges of the skin were rough.
‘Lucy…?’ There was a warning note to Callum’s voice.
‘Okay,’ she huffed. ‘Stop nagging me. It’s just that I’ve tried for so long to keep from acknowledging any of this that I’m finding it really tough to admit to it. And now there’s all this other stuff too.’
‘What stuff?’
‘Well, I used to think that things were quite simple and then I found myself becoming involved in what was happening in other people’s lives, and I’ve realised just how complicated life can be – how you can be set on a particular path one minute and then something comes along which prompts a life-changing decision. Like, Lia for example, or Oscar. It’s made me realise what a journey life is, but also that for the last few months I’ve stopped being a driver and become a passenger; almost as if I’m waiting for something… Trouble is, I’m not sure what.’
Callum looked at her, weighing up her words. ‘Perhaps there’s something about yourself that you haven’t acknowledged yet, something that you need to understand before you can move on. I’ve been on a pretty steep learning curve myself lately and I’ve realised quite a few things about my life, too – about what I want. Ask yourself how you feel about everything in your life right now; maybe that will give you the answer.’
She stared at him, suddenly realising what he had said. Of course! Her thoughts hadn’t been just about Oscar, Lia and Hattie, they’d been about Callum too. All those weeks ago when they’d sat in the pub, Callum had confided in her the things he wanted from his life, and from that moment on his life had begun to change so that now… She swallowed. Now when she looked at him she saw a very different person than the one who had been sitting beside her that night. Now she saw someone who… And then she stopped, and swallowed again as both of her trains of thought collided. She hardly dared to ask the question.
‘So how do you feel?’ she asked. ‘What’s changed for you over the last little while?’
She had expected Callum to perhaps blush a little, or at least to look a little reticent. Instead, his mouth widened in a huge grin and his eyes reflected a light that hadn’t been there before, as he very deliberately held her look.
‘Oh, that’s easy,’ he said. ‘You, of course.’
‘Ah.’ It was all she could think of to say.
Callum maintained the grin. ‘Or, if you want more details, the fact that I felt a totally worthless nobody – shy, insecure, with no confidence to speak of – and now I don’t. I was antagonised by my brothers, largely ignored by my parents, and now I’ve found what it is to be a proper family. I’ve been welcomed into your home as if I’m one of you, by people who take a real interest in what I have to say and who’ve shown me how simple things like eating a meal together, or playing Monopoly, or talking about their day, are so important. More than that; these things become our lives, they make us who we are. They are loving and nurturing, happy and supportive and there’s nothing whatsoever trivial about all that.’
He paused to take an even bigger breath. ‘And, a few months ago, I thought that love was fireworks and not being able to breathe, indefatigable lust and something that changed you totally as a person. I’ve learned now that if you’re really lu
cky, love grows out of a friendship that you never want to lose, it brings colour and meaning to everything you do – sometimes with fireworks, yes, but more often in the quiet, small things. Far from changing you, love takes the person that you already were and makes it into a better version of you.’ He smiled mischievously. ‘The only thing I was right about was the indefatigable lust.’
‘Oh.’ Lucy blushed furiously, her heart suddenly going like the clappers. ‘So, what are we going to do now?’
‘Well, I’m going to start putting the plans for my business into action, and—’
Lucy pushed at his arm. ‘I wasn’t talking about our bloody jobs!’
Callum grinned. ‘No? Oh well, then I don’t know about you, but first I’m going to check if the lady in question feels the same way as me. Then, when she indicates that she does and that she has no objection, I’m going to kiss her.’ He gave her an enquiring look. ‘I should have done this weeks ago.’
It really was the strangest thing, thought Lucy as his lips met hers, because ten minutes ago she’d had no inkling that her evening would turn out this way. She had only been concerned with how Lia, Oscar and everyone else had been feeling and how the complexities of the last few months were playing out. The pages in her notebook were filling up, but apart from trying to identify her part in all of this, she had never directed her thoughts to her own situation and how that was changing.
